Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[velvetfaerie]

Oh man I have ...... years to catch up on BAHAHAHHA!

v.

[CMF]

Yes you do V.

Make yourself a nice cuppa and find a comfy chair 😂

[velvetfaerie]

NO idea where to start.

I gather there is a man?? 😄

[CMF]

Hehe, yes there is. We've known each other since we were teenagers and used to date when we were 18/19. A thread has always connected us, our boys used to go to high school together and long story short we reconnected through one of his friends who did my blinds. We've known each other for over 30 years and it's like we were never apart. We fit into each other's families perfectly. I know i never stopped loving him, ti just want our time back then, we were on different paths but our paths have now met up again. He always says he regrets not marrying me back then but it wasn't meant to be back then. Now we have the rest of our lives together and it's so easy as we already know each other, unlike when you meet someone and have to start from scratch. we have trust, respect and lots of love.

[velvetfaerie]

Sounds like a romantic movie!!!!!!!!!

😄

[CMF]

Yes it does. Keep saying we need to write a book about it...based on a true story.

[velvetfaerie]

**swoon**

heheh

[CMF]

My head is spinning today. Too much to think about . Son's 18th, Christmas, beach houses, bills. I'm being swallowed up. I'm annoyed again about the beach house situation. We can't go and not offer to contribute to expenses but I just don't know if I can do it. They organised a few days away for them and we are welcome to go for a day or 2 or 3 or 4. The holiday is for THEM. I was hoping to spend my holidays with M but he's going away for 4 days with his family. It's only 4 days, no big deal and he wants us there but it would have been nice to be consulted first, not have it sprung on me. I'm feeling they just organise what they want and I'm the one who just has to be accommodating or bad luck. Have no idea how it will work with M going to uni next year. He needs to fit 4 year degree into 2.5 years. He can do it, his sis will step in with the kids, but where am I left. No one can answer that and I'm sure we'll be fine but I just feel that domination again. Dragged into the flow

[CMF]

ok, feeling better and clearer mind. how do i manage to turn a generous offer into a drama? I know i was triggered, talk about it another time.

I am doing intermittent fasting and drink black coffee in the morning. My espresso maker is quite old and damaged. Was telling M and guess what he did? He bought me a new one and some nice coffee from a place they go to after their ride on Saturday mornings. The universe manages to turn things around to remind me how lucky i am. He is so innocent in all my negative thoughts. He is doing nothing wrong, just being loving and generous and my anxious mind manages to twist it all. I feel bad but glad i can acknowledge it. This period before xmas is always hectic but one day at a time...we will get through it.

cmf

[CMF]

Woke feeling negative at again. M said to pop over around 11am. I checked in and they were going to have their usual family pancake breakfast. I don't enjoy pancakes and ice cream for breakfast and end up having something I don't enjoy or watching while they eat. Today I decided I'm not going to do that so told him I would pop over later, had a few things to do. He was fine with it. I feel I spend a fair bit of time doing what they need to do and I don't always want to. If they decide to go to the apple farm so his son can drive I won't go today. 2 hrs in the back of the car is not quality time, it's following what they need to do. I could spend that time letting my son drive. I foresee us having less and less quality time. I don't want to end up like his sis. He knows I feel like that and says no way will we be like them.

Guess I better make my way there.