Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[quirkywords]

CMF

That is fantastic your skills helped your team. You should be rejoicing.

Your boss would be feeling pleased he has such talented and skilled people on his staff.

hat is it about school uniforms or sports uniforms, shoes etc that you put them away very carefully then when you need them they disappear into thin air? I used to find it so frustrating . I bet like me you find things for others all the time.

Things one can't find are either not where you thought so think outside the box, hidden, fallen underneath something obvious, or someone else has moved it and not told anyone.

You are human not a let down. I don't know anyone who has not misplaced something.

Look at what have achieved with your skills.

Quirky

[CMF]

Hi Quirky,

My team were still saying today that i was the catalyst, that i won it for us but it was a team effort. I had no idea where i was most of the time so lucky one colleague knows the city well lol. Told them i would still be at the stating point otherwise haha. Saw the boss today and he commented that i was the best performer or something so yes, i guess you are right. I showed determination and hard work as i do in the workplace. My office manager said on Friday that she knew i'd be good as i am such a thinker and want to do well. They laughed at me cos i had snacks in my backpack (not that i had time to snack) and a rain coat, just in case haha. I guess i showed another side of myself. The school uniform showed up today, where i left it. Packed in a container and placed under the bed. I had emailed the school and asked for some 2nd hand items which they sent home. I will just keep them and pay on Thursday as they are only $2 each and i feel silly returning them. Always good to have spares. My son's lava lamp is working and a got a good parking spot at work. It was bust today and very satisfying. All i can say...'there is a God'.

cmf x

[quirkywords]

CMF

thanks for letting us know that everything turned out alright.

i was going to suggest to see if you could get another uniform from the school. I had about three uniforms as my child would come home filthy every day,

Quirky

[Moonstruck]

Hey CMF...look how far you've come, since you began posting on here....how fabulous is that?? You are a transformed person...there is a short sentence on an Anxiety tape I listen to (I love the woman's voice, so sincere.)

at one point she says "You ARE strong, you ARE brave!"....

[quirkywords]

CMF

Yes I agree with Moon, you have come a long way so I do hope you give yourself credit for coming such a long way .

I think the way you are prepared to be so honest and appear vulnerable, I find it so interesting and I know you are helping all those who read but who never post for many reasons.

I will give you a gold star.

Quirky

[CMF]

Thanks Moon and Quirky for your lovely words.

Today little miss and i went to M's for a coffee. Two of his good friends were there. One of the friends, mentioned Musing his long service leave next year ( for the trip overseas). M said he has no idea what he will be doing next year but again i feel i have been excluded. This is the second time it has been mentioned in front of me by others and yet nothing has actually been mentioned to me about it..I have no issue with them going overseas together, and it may not even happen, but to have it mentioned right in front of me twice and not being personally told hurts me. I think it reminds me of little miss' dad and his family. They would talk about things in front of me and make plans but i was excluded from them. it makes me feel unimportant and excluded.

[CMF]

I know I'm being silly and over thinking but I just realised that when we sat down to have coffee M sat next to his sister, not me. Again I feel like the 3rd wheel. He may be home this week on my days off and it's meant to be hot. I mentioned half jokingly we could swim in his pool, thinking we could have alone time. He said he was going for a bike ride in the morning. Now I'm thinking couldn't he skip the ride for 1 morning? His sister is home Wednesdays too, so again I'd be the 3rd wheel. I can't say anything cos she lives there. Actually, our boys are home preparing for be exams so guess there's no alone time anyway. I'm just gonna cry myself to sleep. Why do I even expect I should have more importance?

[Moonstruck]

Dear CMF...have you seen the Beyond Blue TV ad where it says "is it you, or your anxiety talking?"....I thought of it immediately I read your last couple of posts...and imagined you sitting in the guy's chair on TV (he's over thinking and imagining all sorts of ghastly possibilities about a situation) and then, it turns out to be just the opposite.

Guess what? he was worrying about "nothing".

So CMF, is it you, or your anxiety talking?

Don't let your fears ruin the happiness you have found. When these anxiety thoughts intrude...just let them pass through and say "thanks for sharing, but I don't need your advice just now.."until they leave you alone. love.....x

[CMF]

Dear Moon,

Thank you so much. I am feeling better today but you know what? I haven't been my usual self of late, big couple of weeks. I've come down from the high I was on after the team building day. My son finished school Friday, has graduation tomorrow and vce exams in a week and a half. I am nervous for him and so proud of what he has achieved. I am emotional about it. I have had sore neck,shoulders and back last 2 weeks and been so tired. Yesterday i didn't want to get out of bed and same today. i didn't make it to mass with M and his family,this morning. Just couldn't push myself and i told him, he was fine with it and understood. we went back later as there was a celebration happening and it was lovely. We walked there and back, holding hands, talking. We shared some hugs and gold each other how much we love each other and miss each other when apart. we spoke about spending xmas and new year together as something to look forward to. I did tell him i feel we will never really be together completely but he says we will. We both know we need to gets our older kids through high school and we have the rest of our lives together. He has a plan which he told me about and it made me feel so good. I didn't mention the overseas trip but i will one day, just to let him know i will be happy if they can make it happen but will miss him so much. He probably hasn't formally told me cos it is still a bit of a wish list item and i think not telling me has just been a trigger. His beautiful sister is so amazing and i wonder if i am just a little jealous of the things she gets to do with her brother as i wish i could do them all. I need to remember too that i have a 6 year old, and he never complains about that! She treats me like a sister and his mum treats me like a daughter. i feel how much they love me and i love them too. Him not siting next to me yesterday was not a big deal. We are so comfortable with each other and have known each other so long that it is like we have been together forever. He knows i am no insecure with him and he doesn't need to baby me. He loves that i just fit in with everyone. He has had personal stuff going on too and likely preoccupied but he doesn't dump that on me. So what if he goes for a bike ride. It is good for him and he deserves to. He'd never be upset if i shopped.I was just being so silly and feel so bad for even saying those things. We adore each other so much and are very lucky to have the love, trust and loyalty we have for each other. I am very blessed.

[quirkywords]

CMF

thanks for your post that shows us when you really look at things from a non a non anxiety perspective you can view things clearer.

I think highlighting the great things about your relationship and the examining the issues that were causing you a few problems, helped to show how all these issues can be resolved.

I am so proud of you .Thanks moon for reminding us of how anxiety can sonthe talking and alter our perception of things.

Quirky