Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[Quercus]

Hi CMF,

You've been so kind to me checking in although I haven't been able to respond in ages. I finally felt able to catch up and read.

Reading the posts about your work and how you said you feel like conversation with M and friends tends to circle back to issues at work it made me wonder if you had spoken to the GP lately about your anxiety and dwelling on thoughts?

I know you value your work (and it is obvious you're good at it) but it sounds like a lot of pressure and responsibility from work is coming home with you. You have enough responsibility at home already.

Working with anxiety is difficult. It is easy to overwork yourself and become overwhelmed.

I'm always expecting so much of myself and sometimes I forget what I expect of myself, what my actual job description involves and what others expect of me are three wildly different things. If you thought about your role in those terms what would that look like?

I'm slowly learning I need to remind myself of this constantly and reassess my boundaries. It has meant learning creative ways to say no and polite ways of speaking up for myself. Not easy at all because I often feel "less than" (less competent, less worthwhile etc) than others so I push myself harder to be better. But realistically... I'm selling myself short and working more than I'm meant to. Are you?

Most importantly... Being an anxious people pleaser in a team role is something I always have to be careful with. If there is a lazy staff member I often fall in the trap of enabling them by picking up their work until they expect me to and pile on more. Then I burn out. It isn't simple at all to set boundaries for yourself and for others but if this is a job you want long term it is something to look into.

Just food for thought. It worries me seeing you so bogged down in other people's crap that you can't enjoy yourself outside of work.

sorry for the saga ❤

[CMF]

Hi Nat,

It's not so much the work pressure as i ask for the extra work, it is the fact that the other girl thinks its ok to do all her personal stuff. I don't want her to help with what i am doing fir a couple of reasons;

1 - The new boss mentioned 1 person could o reception. The work i do, it keeps me busy. I use my initiative to keep busy, she doesn't. I am not going to look for work for her to do.

2- she does it in between her phone calls, texts and online shopping so it drags out all day so i am still doing everything in a way.

I've noticed she takes all day to do things that i do in half a day and i think it is on purpose o look busy.she leaves things on her desk all morning and if she is given a task she puts her personal stuff first .

I am feeling crap about the function coming up. I bought a black dress today in case mine does not arrive, however i really don't like it now. I didn't want to wear black, it looks drap. i tried it on again at home and it does nothing for me plus i noticed it's too big in the back. what a waste of time and money. i may see if they will exchange for me. i feel like a blob. Also because of the girl at work saying she does not want to sit with the other one i feel she is just bringing it down. She is going to speak to our office manager and tell her but we do not know if she has any input in seating arrangements. She said to me'they'll probably out her on YOUR table'.I'm starting to see her for what she is. a selfish, gossiping person with no work ethic. She made me a cake and gave me a gift for my bday,which was lovely, but that does not excuse her behaviour. I find i dread having to work with her now. I left M's early today as i was just feeling crap and didn't see the point of staying there. i just wanted to come home and sulk.

[CMF]

I don't even know why i am in a relationship. i feel crap about myself, how i look despite the fact he loves me the way i am. He loos great, i look like a blob. Not fair on him, my god i am sounding like his ex wife except she was a b*&tch. I just want to crawl under a rock.

[CMF]

I can't believe i wanted to come home early. Wanted to be on my own, not pretend to be happy and smiling. I just want to go to bed and not have to get up and go anywhere or do anything.

[CMF]

Yesterday she shopped on line, used internet for personal things, told me she still hadn't checked emails by lunchtime cos she 'didn't have time" but the icing on the cake was when i came back from down stairs, work phone ringing and she was on her mobile. I don't know what to do but it simply can't continue. She is completely abusing taking the piss out of everyone and get away with it.

[CMF]

Why is my life such a mess? Why is everything so hard? Why do i feel so unsettled?

[quirkywords]

CMF

just wondering how you are. I read on another thread you had a lovely dress and coat to wear to the event.

Yiu do the right thing at work and feeknit is u fair someone is taking advantage of the work to do personal system.5

She will be found out eventually and I know it upsets you Uti you know you are doing the right thing.

Quirky

[CMF]

Hi Quirky,

Thanks for checking in. I am feeling better. Yes, found a dress and coat. Today found shoes on sale and a bag. I went for nude colour. I feel I'm really spoiling myself but i rarely go anywhere so fancy and 1st time with M. Whilst shopping i ran into my old boss, the one who was dismissed. We had a chat about what he's up to and I'm so happy to have seen him. I don't know what he did to be dismissed like that but he was always good to me. He gave me an opportunity when i thought nonone would this changed my life.

I hope the shoes look good with dress. 😉

[CMF]

So we had our big night out. It was nice but no big deal. Our office had 4 tables, no one really mingled. I couldn't be bothered. In fact the most socislising i did was with the MD and his family as M knows them along with the company acct whom M is very good friends with (old high school friends). My fellow receptionists and i were all on different tables. They were mixed in with admin/rental staff, I was with some sales staff whom i really like but don't mingle with much. There were 4 empty seats on our table too. It was weird, besides my own office M knew more people than me. People he taught in primary school, old friends etc. Thank god for M, it was almost a case of 'I'm with him'. I guess I'm not one for big functions. My shoes were so hard to walk in, my shapewear was annoying. I was so glad we left a little early.

Cmf x

[quirkywords]

CMF,

hanks for letting us know how evening went.

I was nodding along as I am not a mingler either .

I am glad you went and had M there. How are you feeling today?

Quirky