Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

Hi Quirky,

I hope so. Today was so frustrating. she was at it again, personal calls, doing personal things online, chasing up her daughter's tax return. It was so bust today, i actually didn't get everything done. Spoke to a colleague about my chat and told her how upset i had been, she agreed that the new boss doesn't see how 1 receptionist will be hard as we are a large office and have a higher volume of everything. There is no way 1 person can do reception plus all the extras ie like what i do. Anyway, i guess it will get sorted.My colleague suggested i go in and tell him the other receptionist is doing all personal hings but i wasn't comfortable, plus i have mentioned it and need to give him a chance to deal with it. Of course if i pass him in he kitchen or something i could drop a hint. i don't feel so bad anymore for saying what i needed to say, not when i saw her on personal phone calls again. The office phone was ringing so i actually walked away when i realised she was on a personal one.

[CMF]

so today was bad. how can a person come to work, do about 2 hours work and the rest on personal things and get paid fr it? Meanwhile, i was flat out, which was great. It is making me sick , i was so worked up and nearly in tears. it is appalling how she gets away with it.

[quirkywords]

CMF

I was in a job like that once and it seemed so unfair.

Pleas don’t tile this person being irresponsible make you sick. W

Bosses will notice how hard you work.

Take care

Quirky

[CMF]

I had my day off today. Woke with a thumping headache, upset about work. Had coffee and a chat with some friends, some retail therapy, headache susided. Felt so down all day and cried driving home. I did get some housework done a felt a bit better.

It's a crap situation.

Cmf x

[CMF]

High anxiety today. Shaky, heart racing,scared, impending doom. Want to hide away, mind racing, trying to keep busy. Feel sick, want to cry, go away.

[Moonstruck]

You are not alone CMF....I understand. I can't do anything but assure you that I do understand...I have been there...you are not alone......

[CMF]

Thank you Moon,

I am here for you as you are for me. So many catastrophic thoughts going on in my head. Doom and gloom. Don't trust anyone or anything. I'm so cold and shivery and feel sick.

[quirkywords]

CMF

I understand how awful you feel and you feel everything is out of control.

You are not alone and there is support here.

Are you feeling any different even in a tiny way ?

Are you back at work today. ?

Have you found in the past anything that helps at all. does writing on here help at all.

Quirky

[CMF]

Hi Quirky,

Yes writing here definitely helps. I am at work with the other receptionist. I feel alone cos everyone knows she does it yet no one speaks up as they don't work directly with her. I feel like all I've done is whine about her. Well i have, even with M it always ends up me talking about work. I've made a little gift for the 2 girls in rentals who let me vent on Tuesday when it was really bad. Hopefully today is better and i feel better.

Cmf x

[CMF]

Just lost my post. Don't know what is wrong with me today. Am i anxious or depressed. Can't retype my whole post at the moment. I'm on edge, too much going on in my mind. Paranoid about people at work, more stories came out. Work function next weekend, don't know what to wear. Receptionist who does nothing refuses to sit with the other receptionist. Other receptionist hopes we sit all together. I don't know whose stories to believe. i know the one who does nothing talks alot of sh^%. She makes a cup of tea and comes back with gossip, half of it rubbish as the story changes every time she walks down the office. I know the other one can be a bit sneaky/manipulative but she is good to me. From what the non worker says she is very diff with me than she is with her. Feel the office manager is ignoring me as no reply to some emails, but they did not require a reply , they were just info for her. Am i over reacting? My head is going to explode, thought going in circles, round and round. I'm, tired - of work, of life, of crap. Now that i have said that i want to cry, i'm anxious. I see now way out.

cmf 😞