Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[quirkywords]

CMF

I would like to be 50 again but I can relate to what you are going through.

sweet M is a hero but I know the more aloved one says you look great the more you feel blah!!

You are strong and loved, you will be fine.

Quirky

[CMF]

Oh Sunday night blues 😔

Have a bit of anxiety. Little miss has a bit of a cold and stuffy nose. I always get anxious if she is not 100%. Not sure what is happening T work this week. I may need to help in rentals, which i don't mind at all but i may need to do extra days. This is also welcomed but with Little miss having cold i don't want ling days for her. I hate it when she gets a cold, i get scared. I'm so lucky M keeps me grounded. He reminds me kids get colds, kids get sick, but I'm anxious. I feel so down. After a great weekend with him i feel down Sunday nights. I hope i am helping in rentals this week as i have more flexibility with hours so i can start earlier, leave earlier or take shorter lunch break and finish earlier. Can't do this at reception.

Just want the anxiety to pass.

Cmf x

[CMF]

Hi,

Feeling crap. Our boss/business partner has been dismissed. I won't go into detail about the rumours but it's both sad and sickening. I feel sad for him, hope the rumours are not the actual truth. Fell up in the air, mixed emotions, lost, confused. I was told of things that happened there in the past and i don't know how to deal with it. On top of this the boss' sister works at reception with us. I can't imagine how she must be feeling.

I feel sick and sad.

Cmf x

[Birdy77]

Dear CMF,

I just want you to know you've been heard and we're here for you.

I'm really sorry to hear of the distressing situation. Your mind must be going in a thousand directions.

It is terribly confusing and upsetting when something like this happens - you don't understand what has happened, or who to believe etc.

Thinking of you.

I have found it helpful in times where things are out of my control and very distressing to try and hold the whole situation in a bubble of compassionate love and light, and trust that the universe will take care of it.

Be good to yourself.

🌻birdy

[CMF]

Dear Birdy,

Your words are exactly what i needed to hear. Thank you ❤.

Apparently an official email was to be sent today and i asked my Colleague to let me know what it says but I've heard nothing. This is frustrating as she is always on her mobile at work texting her kids so why can't she respond to me? She knows this is an anxious situation for me. She could at least reply with something but I've heard nothing.

Your words mean alot, thank you so much Birdy.

Cmf x

[quirkywords]

CMF I am thinking about you today. I hope you learn what is happening so you will not be worrying.

It sounds like an unsettling time for everyone at your work.

Take care

Quirky

[CMF]

Thx Quirky,

The company heads are in our office and offering support so i I did chat to the CEO today. Obviously we can't know specifics but our boss is no longer with the company and will not be returning. That partnership has ended, not in a good way by the sounds of things. Main thing is, we have support, we are a team and will come together, get thru this and hopefully come out stronger on the other side.

I do feel better

Cmf x

[CMF]

Anxiety, anxiety

Go away

Let me have

A better day

[CMF]

Anxiety is high tonight. Too much going on at work. I can't get to sleep. So cold and shivery and i feel sick. Haven't been this bad in a while. I know anxiety is my thoughts running away but i can't control.it and calm my mind. It's taking over me. Thoughts going round and round and round. Shivering, cold. Been here before, i can get through this. Thoughts taking over. Hate this.

[CMF]

What an unsettling day. So our boss is gone but the mechanic across the road from our office called to let him know his wife's car was ready. I told the other receptionist who is his sister and she told me to just ring him so i left a message. We have been told not to communicate with him but oh well, it was a message. She is trying to make it like nothing has happened. Other receptionist messaged me saying she had gossip about the ex boss that will 'blow my mind'. Wow. The director of the company is working in our office at the moment. He is friends with M and a client of his sister. He got rid of someone today. She had only been with us a month or so and i had heard it wasn't working out. Apparently she was told she was too negative for the environment and was let go. I was aware no one liked her much, she was a little nosey and a 'know it all' and possibly not spending enough time on her own work. apparently the team she worked in said she was too negative. Traffic banked up, panic rising, little miss' dad working late, ring M, he is at the pub having a belated bday diner with work friends so he couldn't help. He didn't even sound like him as he was trying to answer the phone discreetly i guess so as not to be rude to his colleagues. I wasn't even sure i was talking to him. he told me not to worry, the traffic will move. Had to take a different route again. I don't know what the hell is going on. Fridays are becoming so stressful and the mood around the office is so dull. I'm sick of it. I messaged M to apologise for disturbing him, no response. He spoilt me for my bday a few days ago but i feel confused now. I still exist. I know he didn't want to appear rude but they are just work colleagues, i'm sure they wouldn't care. I'm so peeved off, with my ex boss, my work, everything. I've just had enough and wish i could hide under a rock.