Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

I feel so down. Is it post holiday blues? I did see he article on this site. I spent the day with M, had a lovely brunch and we then spent the arvo in his pool. We read back through our first messages and reminisced. We often talk about the years gone by, past relationships etc. He told me more about his ex wife and that she cheated on him after they had been together for 3 months and she went overseas for 5 weeks. It really upset me, i feel hurt for him even though he told me not to take it on board, that he's moved on and that's in the past. I am quite emotional and nervous about work, like it is my first day again. It's been such a lovely couple of weeks and yet part of me wishes i wasn't on this earth so I wouldn't have to feel like this. As we read through our first messages i just cried, was so overwhelmed by the emotions we expressed,.

I'm just a mess at the moment. I feel like i did as a kid, the end of school holidays, warm night, getting ready for another year of school next day. I remember our house and the feeling vividly. The memory i making me sad . Remembering my teenage years.

Gosh I'm a mess.

[quirkywords]

CMF

sorry you are feeling s down. Are you feeling any better today.?

I don't think its called the post holiday blue for nothing. I suppose the trick is once you are back at work can you plan something enjoyable to do on the weekend.

Hope you are feeling better.

Quirky

[CMF]

Hi Quirky,

I did have a good day, thank you. Many of us in the office started back yesterday so i guess i didn't miss much.

Cmf x

[CMF]

Had a great day again but I feel disappointed. We were told the boss was calling the office and the call rang for a while. We did have some very busy patches today. He just asked that we be mindful,of calls ringing too long and to place other calls on hold and go back to them. Apparently it was in the morning when both of us were at reception ie not over lunch breaks. I spent a bit if time helping rental dept in the morning and feel it may have occurred whilst I was away from reception as it wasn't so busy when we were both there. Regardless of when it occurred or who was at reception I feel like a let down, a failure. We are really focussing on customer service, hence the reason it was mentioned. It wasn't a big deal but stil...

ive been helping the rental dept by bringing work up to me desk and doing things when. It too busy at reception. They are so thankful. I should focus on this but I really take things on board and if they are negative I dwell on it for so long. Well, I guess tomorrow is another day and my challenge is to not let those calls ring for too long!

cmf x

[CMF]

Well...feeling flat today. Woke with anxiety but did wake during the night feeling quite hot and did have strange dreams. I'm tired, unmotivated, down. Had some retail therapy today, found bargains but it hasn't made me feel any better. M's dad is very sick, probably not long to go and i feel sad for them, what they re going to go through. I'd like to work more hours but probably not going to happen for a while but i have told them i am available if needed. I'm tired of the hot, sticky weather, it drains me.

I don't know. Just feel flat 😞

[Moonstruck]

Hey CMF

I was reading a mental health article (s) on how this excessive heat can make depression and anxiety much worse to bear! I understand completely....with me it's more than "Gee it's hot isn't it...wish it'd cool down soon, it's terrible"...etc.

Much worse than that. I feel trapped with no escape. Day after day after day of unchanging temperatures here are like a sort of relentless beating down...and there's no "escape" from it, except to be in air conditioning all day...(lucky if you can afford it, a lot cannot). It definitely makes me feel quite ill, both physically and mentally.

It will be over CMF..."this too shall pass" remember? You've come such a long way since I first met you....we will both be Okay again one day......keep smiling.....xo

[CMF]

Love ya Moon.

We will be ok xxx

[Guest_1584]

Hiya cm and a wave to quercus.

Sorry your all over lately but tell ya what so nice to hear about m though and l hope l didn't offend so thanks for being understanding. so sorry about her dad though , l wanna go kick his ass right now , l dunno how anyone could be like that it's just beyond me.

on a nicer note though , god isn't it amazing how life can change .

Best of luck with everything.

rx

[CMF]

Hey rx and anyone else reading,

Thanks for your lovely words rx and no offense taken. I appreciate your openness and thank you for caring about us 🙂

So we went for a drive to the beach today with M, his boys and sister to get fresh mussels and donuts. We had to come back a little earlier as his dad is in palliative care and is going downhill fast. We went straight to the hospital , i said my goodbyes, M and his mum and sister will be there till later tonight/all night. I feel so sad for them all. and to see a man who was once so strong be reduced to......well...it's too much 😞

[quirkywords]

CMF,

What a lovely description of your day with M and his children yesterday.

It is sad about his dad but shows how much M thinks of you that are included in this sad time and you can be there to offer him and his family support.

Sending you kind thoughts.

Quirky