Feeling down due to fatigue & undiagnosed health issues

[Elizabeth CP]

I haven't been using the forums much apart from a couple of responses to others posts. I stopped as I was too busy & trying to keep up with the forums was becoming too stressful. In September My husband went to Europe which was great although tiring due to the pace of the tour we did. Unfortunately a few days before returning home I fell heavily on concrete steps hurting my right side. I continued on relying on icepacks to manage the pain. I couldn't sleep because of the pain when lying down. The last day I came down with a bad cold which developed into a chest infection later on. The pain eased after 6 weeks & I recovered from the chest infection but have ongoing problems with fatigue & abdominal discomfort. My GP arranged pathology tests. The blood tests are normal but urine isn't. Today I was sent for a ultrasound of kidneys & bladder. Next week I have a gastroscopy & colonoscopy. My stress levels seem to be escalating out of proportion each time I see the GP & get sent for more tests. Prior to my accident my mental health issues were settling down but the last week it is much worse. I have lost my temper a few times in the last week without much provocation. This is not normal for me. I have been on a diet for several months but I am now finding it really hard to stick to it I just want to go & eat food I know will make me feel worse. The diet is a healthy one which I normally find easy to stick to because the food is satisfying.

I just want to get back on track & feel in control of my life & not feel so stressed & down. I also feel guilty for feeling this way because There is no confirmation of a serious illness.

[Croix]

Dear Elizabeth~

My safe/retreat memory was selected over time. Like you there are many that have the black edges of sadness or loss lurking, however for some reason that particular one does not prompt negative feelings.

Another is being all snug in a bed listening to the rain and wind roar through the branches outside the window, with the distant sound of canons (yes canons, later replaced with a fog horn) to guide the ships.

Why these memories do not spill over into other thoughts I've no idea. Perhaps you will find one too.

Croix

[Elizabeth CP]

Thank you Croix. Sorry I haven't replied for so long. I have been pushing myself to get things done. Nov Dec are busy months for me combined with some bad memories. Both my parents dies this time of year & we have had a number of other stressful events. I struggle with the hot weather & high fire danger & other reminders of bushfires trigger anxiety. This evening I feel particularly anxious/stressed. Yesterday may husband was sick & although it wasn't serious he became very worried about what happened & the high risk of complications. I need to spend time working out some strategies to reduce the risk of repetitions. This left me too wound up to sleep properly. I woke early but tired. I got up to start my list of jobs needing doing. My husband had 2 appointments. Both were useful but left me feeling more stressed trying to work out how to fit in the extra things I need to do to follow the recommendations of the therapists. I don't see any way of getting help for these tasks. They are too important to not do them. I already had too much to do.

Sorry I am being negative I need a break!!

[blondguy]

Hey Elizabeth

I didnt know about your parents. I'm sorry

Wildfires also cause me anxiety too as I am in a bush area in Vic and its always a concern for me. This time of year can be a pain. I didnt even start my Christmas 2018 New Years Eve thread as I am spent and also need a break too

You are not being negative at all....just human

My best for your husbands health and you too Elizabeth

my kindest thoughts always

Paul

[Elizabeth CP]

Thanks Paul, My parents died years ago. My dad died when my youngest was a baby & I then became a fulltime carer for my mum. We had needed to move to a house with a granny flat for mum. She was in a wheelchair so it was a major upheaval for us as a family I was very close to my dad so even though I was glad he died peacefully & I knew he was free of all the ailments which had been affecting him but that doesn;t stop the grief from missing them. Even when not conscious of the time of year I notice each year around the time of his death my mood drops.

I no longer liver in a high bushfire risk area but I'm still easily triggered. I'm not sure if you are aware I have been diagnosed with PTSD from being caught in a bushfire as a child. In those days no emotional support was provided. I remember my mum being told to send me back to school (I was unwell) so I could forget what had happened & give mum a break. I learnt from that one comment to never speak about what happened and it was my responsibility to make sure I never upset mum by talking about the event. The rest of the family were not caught in the fire so I never talked to them as it was too hard to explain what it was like. I learnt to cope on my own. Unfortunately on Black Saturday & the weeks after there were 4 separate fires with the potential to affect us. This combined with the graphic accounts on the media of the Black Saturday events stirred things up badly & led to PTSD symptoms being triggered even from things which previously I coped with. As a result Summer is a difficult time of the year.

Christmas stirs feelings of inadequacy. I'm not very creative so I'm not good at decorations. My dad was really good at this so mine seem pathetic compared to my memory of his decorations. I struggle to think of what to get for presents. Because of my self esteem issues I tend to try to fit in with everyone else. This makes it complicated & I feel like I'm stressed trying to meet competing demands.

[Elizabeth CP]

I had a very intense session with my psych on Tuesday. I have been struggling with competing demands & feeling exhausted & overwhelmed. Guilt inevitably creeps in because I'm not getting enough done.

Monday was speech therapy in the morning which lasted 2 1/2 hrs rather than the 1hr we booked. The extended time was due to my husband requiring advice to manage a recent escalation of distressing symptoms. Focusing on the negative & noticing the deterioration is very distressing. Sunday had also been a bad day for my husband which impacted on me. I now have to keep a diary of my husbands symptoms giving me even more pressure. I had a lunch run for carers to go to which was nice but I was running late due to the speech session running over time. Afterwards I returned home doing some food shopping on the way & then out to a physio appointment for my husband. Once again it was obvious my husbands condition has worsened. I'm feeling guilty for not doing more to help him & then get a new program of exercises requiring close supervision by me each day. I was exhausted & feel like going out to the lunch while nice at the time just left me even further behind.

After explaining this to my psych he suggested listing all the things I do for my husband now. 4 full pages later I felt totally overwhelmed & still can't see how to cut down anything so I can cope better. The aim was to help me see how much I'm doing & 'cut myself some slack' when I don't get everything done. Unfortunately I just feel overwhelmed. I feel like a failure because I can't improve. People including those on this forem make good suggestions but i seem unable to move forward. Little things seem to tip me over the edge. The rest of the week has been ridiculous with 2 specialist appointments each of which involved lots of time both there & travelling. There have been other appointments & phone calls to organise things I feel out of control.

[blondguy]

Hello Elizabeth

The therapy would have been very hard work....especially after 2 1/2 hours instead of an hour....That is a long period of time to have a counselor 'in our head'....so to speak. I was just about to write another Christmas thread for Christmas 2018 about the stress triggers and how they can have an impact on our peace of mind

Can I ask if you feel any benefit the day after your appointment? I get it with 'little things' tipping us over the edge' . I have just started to get a 'handle' on how to say no in my 50's....(better late than never I guess) As you know when we have a tired mind we are prone to feel this way....including that dreadful feeling of losing control

You have a ton on your plate Elizabeth...seriously. My 88 year old mum just called me...my brother and my 52 year old sister and said that she will be spending Christmas Eve quietly on her own. We respect her wishes

Im sorry that your husband is unwell Elizabeth. Can I ask how much time you have to yourself...say every day?

I know that you have been on the forums for a long time...and my apologies again for another question.....Do you have the support of your GP? I still see mine every month for a 'fine tune' as I am not really good at having too much on my plate either....Actually I feel like curling into a ball when there is too much happening...ugh

Just out of respect for you Elizabeth...this is my 23rd year on a low dose of an SSRI and a sporadic benzo when I have difficulty coping

I really hope there is something of help here. My Christmas will be my rescue dog and myself....I am okay with that now. I will visit my daughter and mum after Christmas

Hugz if thats okay and my apologies for the delay in getting back to you. Please post back when you can 🙂

Paul

[Croix]

Dear Elizabeth~

This is another of my 'missing the point' messages to you. Yes those 4+ pages are overwhelming, basically becuse life makes you do so much, and I have confidence in you. Confidence you do not freighter away your energizes on non-essentials, if you judge something necessary then I'd expect it is.

So where does that leave you? -Stressed, depressed, feeling inadequate and overwhelmed.

When you can't change life you need to change you. You read before what I do, unashamedly retreat my thoughts to a calm place where wind and rain and a view of the turbulent sea have an effect on my mind. Where a gull crying as it is swept past seems almost real, real enough to wonder at that gull's past, its destination.

Can I suggest if you add finding a mental refuge to your 4+ page task list it might pay dividends? I walk out of a taxing situation and reach for my scenario, it is a comfort.

If you need a cd of sounds to help (maybe rain on a tin roof) , that's fine too.

You are a very capable person Elizabeth, please turn your talents to your own welfare.

Croix

[Elizabeth CP]

Thanks Paul & Croix. I appreciate your comments. I will reply properly later but at the moment I need to sleep. I've resorted to a sleeping tablet after several nights of interrupted sleep. I hope tonight will be better as I need the rest so I can function & try to put in place some changes to improve things if possible. Fingers crossed.

[Elizabeth CP]

Paul You asked 'how much time you have to yourself...say every day?' That varies. One of my problems lately is even when I do things I normally enjoy I'm finding I end up so overloaded afterwards that it defeats the purpose. Because I can't predict what my husband will be li,e each day I'm finding it hard to adjust.
Paul also asked'...Do you have the support of your GP? I changed GPs this year but recently had a negative experience with her so I'm not feeling able to open up to her. I've only discussed physical health issues with her. I see a psychiatrist monthly although I will miss the next 3 sessions because he;s on leave. I see a psychologist fortnightly but he has had some time off this year. Today's session was cancelled at the last minute as he was sick & then he is away for summer holidays. Not what I needed!!!! I really hoped to get some ideas to move forward.

I don't use any ADs The side effects for each one I tried made it not worthwhile & none of them helped my mood. Thankfully my psych now accepts this & will offer me meds but understands when I decline. I take a sleeping tablet occasionally when needed.

Croix, I really appreciate your suggestions, your humour & your care. I love Wales so your descriptions of your memories of Wales brings back good memories. I am proud to say I have a welsh granddaughter. My son lives near the border & they preferred the Welsh hospital to the English so his youngest was born there!!!!

I try to think back to some good memories. I am still trying to find that one which will consistently work for me. I try to find that balance of doing enough of the important things so I'm not sinking without overdoing it but I often fail & too often things get in the way.

I need to get some sleep. I know I sound like a broken record complaining & not helping myself enough!!!

[Doolhof]

Hi Elizabeth,

It can be hard trying to help yourself when you are tired.

I hope you can find some way to rest your body and your mind, even if it is for a short period of time each day.

A lot of people recommend meditation, I have tried it a few times, then forget I am supposed to be doing it!

Just want to let you know I am thinking of you!

Cheers to you from Dools