Feeling desperate to make this stop

[Lilly99]

Hi there, this is my first post which is really scary. Anyway I am not good feeling really depressed and anxious . I have tried everything psychiatrists, psychologists. Mental health nurses. Medication , I even spent 4 weeks in mental hospital to have tms which obviously didn’t work . Anyway feeling like life isn’t worth living . I feel like I have had enough of this battle called life . No matter what I try nothing works . I couldn’t be more of a joke and a waste of space really what’s the point I am never going it get better . Do people ever truly get better?

[newlife19]

The depression is so cruel at making us feel useless...

but what if tomorrow the world was without you ? Just think about the fall out... you would be so very missed.

you are here for a reason.

[newlife19]

Lilly99,

how are you doing?

[Jojo100]

Hi Lilly99

You are in my thoughts and I hope you are safe. How are things today? Keep reaching out here if you are able. There is hope for you and you deserve to get the help & support you need.

Take care and be kind to yourself because you are worth it.

Best wishes

Jojo

[Lilly99]

Hi newlife and Jojo,

I am sorry you have felt you have needed to check up on me . Really I am not worth the effort . I am still feeling really bad but made it through the night somehow .

I am a worthless person so you don’t have to worry about me . I don’t know how to keep going . I really hate myself . I hate who I am, what I have become . I honestly see myself as a joke . Really wonder why I am here . I am really not worth your kindness. I even hate what I have done going on this site making people worry about me. Really how pathetic. Thank you for you help and advice . I just think maybe I have asked for help too late.

[Jojo100]

Hi Lilly99

I am so glad to hear you made it through the night even though it must have been very difficult. The negative thoughts you are having is just the depression talking, telling you lies. You are not worthless or a joke and it is never too late to get help.

Whatever kept you going last night that is a strength you need to hold on to and use to get you through moment by moment. You are stronger than you think.

Could you please try phone counselling such as at BB which is available 24/7 on 1300 22 4636. Don’t ever stop reaching out until you find the support that you so desperately need.

You deserve to be heard and to get better - it is possible. I have been there and once I found suitable support for my needs and medication that worked for me my life began to turn around.

Stay safe. All the best

Jojo

[Lilly99]

Jojo I have tried phone supports . I actually think I there isn’t anything I haven’t tried . I think there comes a point when you think enough is enough.

Its great you were able to get the help and recover . I just think it’s not possible for me. Honestly I feel like there isn’t any hope . It’s hard to explain . I have given up . Is it really worth fighting for ? It’s just going to be ongoing emotional pain that’s relentless .

[Nahmate830]

Hi Lilly,

you don,t need to tell us about it at all,its not our business and no matter what it is wont change our desire to support you, but do you yourself know what event or events in your life caused this pain inside you? have you spoken to anyone about it, are you still speaking to anyone about it?

you aren't worthless and telling yourself that you are doesn't make it so.

I am experiencing a lot of the same feelings that you are talking about and have a similar self image to what you do, but its out of line with what other people would tell you about me and I'm sure if i were to ask those that know you about you that their views of you would totally contradict what you are saying about yourself.

During a dark patch I went through a number of years ago there was a lady that I used to see at the train station, and each morning she would flash me a friendly smile and I would smile back, and she will never know just how much I valued that smile and how much it meant to me, and for all you know you are that person in someone else's life, someone who will never know how important they are but for whom without you their day would remain dark and smile free.

I urge you to seek further medical help, a review on any medications you are taking and to talk to a psychologist or psychiatrist about what you are feeling. i would also ask that you please try challenge your self talk and when you find yourself mentally going down a dark road to stop and try create a new narrative where you recognise all that is good in you and how you are worthy of a life filled with love and happiness.

take care

NM

[Jojo100]

Hi Lilly99

Yes you are worth fighting for. You are fighting for your life and you need support. This is a battle, but please let people in, let people help you. It all feels too much at times, but you have shown you are strong. It is not a weakness to ask for help.

I had a lot of help when I came out of hospital by community mental health services. They made all the difference to me. Sometimes I didn’t feel they were helping, but I kept engaging with them anyway until I was well enough to be discharged.

I think something like that could really help you too at this time. I know you have said you have tried everything, but surely it would be better than trying to cope with everything all by yourself?

Community mental health services here run social groups too such as art and walking/coffee clubs which gets you out and about too so it’s not all medical focused. This was a great distraction for me and I made some new friends too so I didn’t feel so alone.

Please keep trying. This time things might be very different from your previous experiences. You can do it. Give yourself another chance to reach out.

Best wishes

Jojo

[Lilly99]

Hi Nahmate and Jojo ,

i have seen a community mental health nurse for a couple of years but not anymore . I have tried a lot of different medication , I have seen psychologists . I saw my psychiatrist only a week ago who said he will see me in 6 weeks. Really 6 weeks ? Does he not know how serious I am about how I am feeling. I can’t make it through another day . My doctor I see every couple of weeks. I am not going back to see her . What’s the point . The thing is i go for help and after a half and hour appointment I walk out to face the world I don’t want to be in. That’s why I am not going back to see anyone for help . I just can’t anymore.

I felt like my last resort was going into hospital for 4 weeks hoping tms would work. But it didn’t . It just made me more hopeless .

Thank you for telling me all your positive experiences . I know there are good people out there. Like all of you. I really appreciate all your kind words . But you don’t know me and like I said I am not worth it.

There are things I can’t live and think about anymore . I feel like I am suffocating. I feel like something has died inside me. I can’t let people in to help because I am not sure i care anymore what happens . I feel like I am self destructing in a way because I want the mind to stop . The pain stop. I need to feel calm , peace .

Thank you again for caring . I wish everyone who is on this site good wishes . And please don’t feel like you have to respond.

Lilly

[Jojo100]

Dear Lilly

I am responding because I care about you and am worried you are falling through the cracks in the mental health system. If I were you I would phone up the clinic explaining why you can’t wait six weeks for another appointment - just like you have been sharing here. Or go back to your GP and have her ring on your behalf. You deserve to be seen much sooner considering how you are feeling.

It sounds like you have some things from the past weighing you down. Which is why it would be worth finding someone you can trust to ease your burden and get off your chest.

When I went to a psychologist I found it hard to open up face to face. I ended up writing down what was bothering me as I needed to get things out. I took this to my appointment which really helped and meant we were able to get to the bottom of my problems. It was such a relief to discover that certain things were not my fault and I was able to let go and move on.

This is what I wish for you the peace of knowing you did the best you could. As always take care & stay safe xox

Jojo