Domestic abuse

[monkey_magic]

He started out supportive,courageous,and huge hearted. We became intimate & that's when he's insecurities & past issues overcame him. I was yelled at,owned,controlled. He was jealous & used to scar me with his cutting words. I was hurt, suicidal & confused & genuinely fearful. How could a man that loved me change so rapidly & then change back? I was experiencing different ppl in one! I found him intimidating, aggressive & then homicidal & suicidal.... I needed to run for dear life,especially feeling like I could b killed. Mental illness also surfaced in the time we spent together. I was caught in the firing line. I went back one last time after his yelling demand of me coming to get my bike as it was in his way. I was out the front of his place looking at him through the curtains, he was in a bad way. I felt scared & thought I should leave. I went against my instinct. He opened the door ,I said I've come to get the bike & I'm leaving, it set him off!! I paced backwards towards my car. He was screaming,picked up my bike & threw it, screaming, puffed out his chest & stomped towards me with fists clenched. I wanted to run and go into the car but thought he'd probably smash the window so I stood there shocked staring into his eyes as he stomped towards me. Strangely he got right in my face fists still clenched then raised & started crying. He held onto me & wanted me to come inside with him. I was scared & just wanted to leave but went inside. There, he was consuming alcohol. I also had some & reached for one of his cigarettes but he didn't want me to have one. I had one anyway. It set him off again. He said u don't care & attempted suicide. I called the ambulance. I am glad to say I am no longer with this man. What turned into emotional abuse could have turned physical. I believed if I didn't stare into his eyes with all my strength as he stomped towards me, I might not b here today. There is no excuse for domestic abuse.

[monkey_magic]

Dear starwolf,

Im glad u put that info/your experiences out there. I hope by sharing this acts as a vice/gives others the strength of voice to also open up. The stats show just how common violence against woman ( I won't forget the men) is.

I once called the domestic violence line & the councillor said to me; " nows not the time to be brave, now is the time to leave." I will never forget how valuable that piece of advice was,but victims must not let the perpetrators know where they are.

I think you're a powerful woman starwolf & have a lot to give to others. Glad you lived to tell your story.. All power to u x

[I_am_enough]

Hello Steph,

I had a dream about my ex last night. In the dream he first appeared as the very sick and violent man that i remember.

In the 2nd part of the dream, he was so strong and good looking and i was following him. He began walking with another woman and was charming and sucking her in like he once did to me.

Back to reality.....thank God i read your post today Steph !

I was in the supermarket a few hours ago and a song was playing. And the song went straight to my heart. While i'm walking around looking for eggs and butter i'm bloody fantasising about how good it was when i first met him.

steph, he was alot like you described.

please allow me to share a little of my story with you. I am very knew to this forum.

Six or seven years ago i was sucked in by this predator. When we met, i was lonely and insecure. I could see the warning signs but his charm, good looks and adventurous spirit overtook me everytime. When he became angry, i blamed myself. When he asked for forgiveness i could not resist his charm.

This continued on and off for maybe 4 or 5 yrs.

The last year he hit and kicked me, punched holes in all the doors and walls. Abused my dog.

Just b4 i met him, i had a lovely rental home, a beautiful dog. By the time he was taken back to prison for what he did to me, everything beautiful was gone.

It has taken 3 long, painful yrs to get back on my feet.

And here i was, just this morning fantasising about when we first met.

Steph, i am beginning counselling in 3 weeks time. I am only at the very beginning of my journey into healing.

I would much rather be where i am today, a little frightened of what the future holds but i am sure that what i face from today and everyday that follows will never be as bad as the hell i was living in when i was with him.

I now have the opportunity to work on myself so i can slowly become the woman i always wanted to be.

I wish you well ;^}

[monkey_magic]

It is so good to know that someone else is doing what I've been doing...thinking about the good. After me he ended up with another woman with the same name as me. Late last year she lost her life in a car accident, he spent four days in hospital & survived.

You will get through this as you r enough. I have faith u will. We learnt our lesson.

You weren't to blame & we can do so much better.

I can understand what u mean about the hell....

Try not to give that speck of dust too much thought OK, you need to have space for the loving,gorgeous,good guy that ull find in the future....

We r now educated & won't fall for the same type again. If u need to get it all out feel free.

I know u can b built back up again ....

Sending u peace & healing & thanks so much for your post 🙂

[monkey_magic]

I am enough & anyone else that wants to break free from abuse listen to thing song, so so good;

Run by Nicole Scherzinger.

[monkey_magic]

Starwolf!!!! I hope u c this. Was reading another forum & just found out you're male!!! I assumed you were female...sorry about that.

[Guest_322]

Hi Steph,

Sadly, I don't think your friend's story is an uncommon one. I mean, how many people marry abusive partners? Rhetorical question. Either way, it must have been hard to see that unfold before your eyes.

It's great that you have so much clarity and insight on the abuse cycle and manipulative strategies of abusers.

I think regardless of what he went through, abuse is abuse. I mean, I personally don't think having suffered is a valid reason to abuse other people. Like there are people who have been raped who don't rape. There are people who were abused by their parents who don't abuse their own children, etc.

Anyway...

You know, yes, you are a survivor and very, very resilient. Mad props to you, sister!

I'm betting there are many women and men out there who have stumbled upon your thread and can relate to your experiences. Good on you for starting an important "conversation."

Dottie x

[monkey_magic]

Hi Dottie, I agree, no excuses. I find they somehow don't know how to express their thoughts & feelings, let go of things & therefore abuse. Thanks 4 wat you've said about me, after reading that I thought " yeah" I'll claim that as a help for me to pull myself together one day....

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; & wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; taking as he did the sinful world as it is,not as I would have it;trusting that he will make all things right.

[monkey_magic]

I've thought about 'the whole picture "with this ex man including the things I've learnt from posters on this site. I feel sick & disgusted.

When we were intimate I didn't know he was narcissitic. Its heavy when I think about it. I saw him so differently..I didn't know.. I knew later on down the track though. I remember feeling cold, scared, used . I haven't left the house today...I rem feeling like he was going to kill me & I had fear...I still do at times,but he doesn't know where I am. I really hope I'm feeling better soon as I have some work next week. Phew I told the truth... Used to have denial here & there....

[I_am_enough]

Hi steph6,

i too am feeling scared to leave the house today. At first i opened up the house to let the beautiful air flow through, then i started feeling scared so i closed it all up again. It's very early days in recovery so i am not going to beat myself up over it. It's what i need to do to feel safe this day. Tomorrow may be different.

Like yourself, i am only just learning how to feel, remember, and share with others. Thanks for your brave honesty.

We deserve to be gentle with ourselves.

I did some self nurturing today steph, like when i had a looooong warm shower i massaged my head and neck. Felt heaps relaxed, afterward. Ate some healthy food,(not yesterday tho.... pigged out felt so gooooood !!!!)

i started feeling anxious when i was thinking about the neighbours coming home coz she has been taking advantage of my kind nature. I struggle so much with confronting others. Plus their behaviour has triggered my PTSD which is a good thing coz now i can start dealing with it instead of running away or hitting the booze. I can't change them but i can change my old behaviours.

Just for today, i don't have to answer the door if she knocks. I cannot afford to let her problems and fears become mine. I have enough to deal with.

i just answered my own nagging question of late.... I just aint gonna answer the door to her anymore !! She will eventually get the message !!

Some people just take, take, take and i am no body's doormat or scapegoat.

Nothing changes if nothing changes. I thought that because i helped her when they first moved in that i had to continue helping her. But that's my old sick way of thinking. I don't owe her anything....she needs to be responsible for her own life. Besides, they are trouble.

i admit that i am not ready to confront her. I don't feel safe.

Wow, that's huge for me !!

I don't have to talk to her... I have choices today.... Yippeeee !!!

Tomorrow is another day and i will go to my AA meeting because i do not want to isolate. I am safe there.

I am safe here too. It's my home and i won't allow anyone to invade my privacy.

I have done that all my life, no wonder it feels strange doing it differently.

I deserve peace, good healthy friends and balance in my life today !

We who chose to recover and change deserve only the best.

Steph6, i am so very proud of you for making positive changes in your life. Not too much too soon.

Little by little.... Bit by bit ;^}

smiles n hugs ....IAE

[monkey_magic]

Thanks for your informative & eye opening post I am enough.

I felt supported thanks. Yeh there r ( side effects) after coming out of unhealthy relationships. While u go to aa I'm having a couple of beers & I don't normally drink beer, change is good. Ha,ha....

Aa can b funny. I used to love going to listen to other ppls stories. Haven't been in years though... It's great that ur going I still rem wat I was taught there.

Being scared & anxious comes & goes hey.

I'm glad you've taken a stand with your neighbours. U value u & put yourself first for now. UV endured loads & nows prob not the time to b taking on everyone elses stuff. U have an amazing outlook. U see the good in situations which I love & you're also in tune & logical.

Im inspired by your outlook & how you've left him & how you r empowering & helping yourself & me & others.

I think ull b a good role model for others & once strengthened ull b supporting & helping so many through what uve been through as abuse is so common.

Stay blessed ,keep smiling & hope you make some good new friends...if anyone's taking advantage u know exactly what to do lol. I can tell you're no sucker but a woman that's learnt loads & will b stronger bcas of it all...keep your spirits high.