Depressed Husband is affecting the children

[Redhuta]

First time poster and actually the first time in 14 years I am speaking about this openly instead of pleading with my husband to work on his depression or speaking to my physiologist.

I have lived with my husband for 14.5 years and his depression was evident to me 1 year into our marriage. Its been a compromise and in the early years when we were having kids I suppose they were a distraction.

Now that the girls are 14 and 9 they are so much more aware of the way their dad treats their mum. We go through cycles and we are currently going through another one where his stupid dr allowed him to decrease his medication. When he told me a few months ago I knew I was in for hell again.

He sleeps a lot, and likes his 2-3 drinks every night. I think they are an issue however he does not think so. His “short fuse” has always been directed to me however over the last year he also lashes out to strangers like when he drives if someone cuts in. He even had a huge lash out at a football game which is awful as I think one day he will choose the wrong person and he will get attacked.

The other night he lost it over the most ridiculous thing and swore at me again in front of my 9 year old. She blamed herself and he said he need to leave. I agree we have reached the point of no return. He finds it hard to talk so he emailed me totally accepting blame and how as he says he is “out of control”. I am very resentful and I have lived a sexless, affectionless life and feel I deserve better. Sad thing is I am the most optimistic, upbeat,friendly and social person and he has made me become this person who hides his “secret”. I feel liberated even writing this. I am so hurt he has never tried to fully help himself. I gave up asking him to get help because the minute I would say anything he would criticise me and point out my faults and I just could not take it anymore. We are living together in silence till he finds a place to moving too. Just reading in here helps e realise I am not alone.

[quirkywords]

Redhuta,

Thanks for your update although I wish that you did not have to face the work issue but gld you are getting support fro your husband and pyschologist.

I think when one has mental health problems people are always helping us so if there is a chance and we are well enough to support another it helps our self esteem. Your husband has tallie around to support you hen you need it.

Your day of a coastal walk and a game of tennis sounds like great idea.

You are coping with a lot butyou have the resources to know what to do and the help you need.

Let us know how you get on with the work issue , in R.E.M.'s of how you cope.

Mish, how are you going? I am sorry your husband has let you down. Can you get help from a doctor , family, or friends. Yu have worked so hard to hold things together now is the time you need to look after yourself and get some support.

Quirky

Quirky

[MishnLinc]

Hi Quirky, I have had steps forward and steps backwards in the past week with my husband. I know that people say small steps but I have been so disillusioned by the whole thing that I am wanting to step away. So my hubby was coming around a little more and did the night time routine with our son and then picked him up from Childcare the next day. He told me he had fun and wanted to work to a plan to coming home. He said he would come over on Saturday with his son from a previous relationship for the boys to spend time together. He came over but I could see he wasnt quite right, he stayed for about 3 hours and then I suggested getting some dinner and it was like he had a meltdown, said to his son, lets go and practically ran out the door. Our son together was heartbroken and ran after him and threw himself at the door, screaming for daddy. I was so shattered, I think I have taken so much from him over the past 3 months I just snapped, he tried to come back in but I told him to just get out. He sent me a txt saying sorry for destroying our family and I fired back saying how dissappointed and cruel he was to do that to his son. I told him to leave us alone and get himself right, he said he was about to have a panic attack and I told him he handled it poorly when I said to him, if it happens to leave and come back later but he ran. I think when I seen it effect our son like that my heart broke for good and I will not let him stand there and continue to hurt us. A piece of us died at that very moment. He has since been contacting me and wanting now to make a plan for him to come back and telling me how much we mean to him but I am not sure if it is too late to be honest.

Redhuta - I hope that you are okay and I am sorry you have to go through this when you are dealing with so much. I am glad that your husband is being so supportive, that is a positive. Take care of yourself and I hope it doesn't escalate for you. Mish

[Redhuta]

Hi All,

Update is the work issue I escalated to HR which really was the best action to take. Was it difficult? Yes I have never had to do this and I kept thinking it was just easier to justify the action of my boss but the with the support of my support network which includes my husband I knew I had to do this. It was awful however I feel empowered and the positive is I set my boundary. I also have helped so many more at work that as it turns out had tolerated this and simply suffered in silence.

My husband and myself are still just doing the best we can. We are spending time with the kids and that makes me happy and I know he is very happy and relaxed about it.I know there will come a time where I will need to have a more serious talk but I feel I need to be stronger to be able to deal with this if it makes sense? Its my defence mechanism so just happy keep things the way they are for the time being. In my heart Is would give anything for him to be the one to initiate the conversation however I doubt he would. Its always been me that starts the difficult conversations however he always is very honest when he responds.

[quirkywords]

Hello everyone,

Mish, I am sorry things are not going so well for you. Panic attacks are very scary and often one does not have tie to think about how one'sbehaviour will affect others, one just has to get out of the situation as quickly as possible. Mental illness is hard for the sufferer as well as the loved ones. Hopefully you can get the support you needed.

Redhuta,Thanks for the update. I am glad your actions at work to resolve the issue have made you feel more powerful. You and your husband have come a long way since your first few posts and I hope you can see that too.

Thanks again for the update

quirky

[Redhuta]

Thanks Quirky.

Misch- I posted in your thread.

I got an email from the real estate a few days ago simply letting me know the landlord to this new place I moved into 1 month ago would like his valuators come in to see the place. As much as I don’t want to worry it looks to me they may want to put this place on the market which would mean I would have to move again. I think this is the straw that has broken the camels back for me personally. I have suffered 2 bouts of depression in the past however they were short lived as treated and I was able to get “better”. I know the dark place and I know I am there and I need to take the next step and that is to take meds. I have made an appointment with my GP this week and I honestly feel this is now my last hope. I have tried so hard to not allow this to consume me but I have nothing more to give so I am also discussing this with my husband shortly when he brings our daughters home. I snapped at one of them yesterday and she is a stubborn child but they have not ever seen me so upset they called their dad scared. He called and said he would take them for a few days. He just cannot see that is a band aid and that I need more from him and my psychologist says is stability and security he is not giving this to me.

I have decided I will start on meds next weekend and I know I usually get some anxiety on the first couple of days so I am going to ask him to move into my place and look after the girls for a week. I don’t want my daughters to see me like that.This way the girls are not too disturbed and I want to go stay with my mum and literally be nurtured. I want to just have her take care of me and although I have to continue working I want my husband to also step up and see how I have been coping for the last 5 months with our daughters. Its so sad but unless I get better I will be no good to no one. I also think once I am in a better place I will also be able to have those difficult conversations I have been avoiding with my husband.

As Misch has mentioned the children are really the ones that suffer the most.

[Redhuta]

Just thought I would come in and update.

I have been on meds for nearly 3 weeks now and it really was a sensible choice for me. Glad I listen to my GP and I have a few other medical issues that also contributed to the anxiety which was overwhelming.

My husband and I are in a great place as friends and parents. He spends every weekend with us and the kids are very happy. We are approaching the 6 month mark and we plan to discuss this weekend how we will move forward and if we give our marriage another go. I feel this roller coaster has been such a learning experience and I feel both my husband and I have really been able to deal with all the issues in a very productive way.

Thank you for all that offered support.

[Doolhof]

Hi Redhuta,

It is lovely to read that things seem to be moving in a positive direction. It may not be perfect, but it certainly is wonderful to know you can have some family time altogether and it seems to sort of be working out.

Being able to discuss openly how you are both feeling and what you both expect in the future will be important. Your relationship has changed, hopefully something new and special will grow out of what has happened.

If you do decide to live together again, it may be wise to formulate ways you can both have time apart still as well as the togetherness.

Hope it all works out for you all. It certainly has been a rough few months for you! Congratulations for being able to reach the place you are at now.

Cheers to you from Dools

[quirkywords]

Redhutta,

Thank you somuch for the update and I appreciate all the updates you have posted. Your journey can give hope to others as well.

I echo Mrs Dools post with her helpful suggestions and wise words.

You have been open to help and have found a way out of the struggle you were experiencing in your early posts.

I like the way you can now look back and see what you learnt from the roller coaster ride because at the time it is hard to think there will be anything productive learnt from the ride.

I am glad things are in a good place now and I think you now have the tools to cope with any

glitches in the future.

I do enjoy your updates and if you want to post them I know others will also find them helpful.

Thanks again for all your honest sharing.

Kind thoughts

Quirky