Depressed Husband is affecting the children

[Redhuta]

First time poster and actually the first time in 14 years I am speaking about this openly instead of pleading with my husband to work on his depression or speaking to my physiologist.

I have lived with my husband for 14.5 years and his depression was evident to me 1 year into our marriage. Its been a compromise and in the early years when we were having kids I suppose they were a distraction.

Now that the girls are 14 and 9 they are so much more aware of the way their dad treats their mum. We go through cycles and we are currently going through another one where his stupid dr allowed him to decrease his medication. When he told me a few months ago I knew I was in for hell again.

He sleeps a lot, and likes his 2-3 drinks every night. I think they are an issue however he does not think so. His “short fuse” has always been directed to me however over the last year he also lashes out to strangers like when he drives if someone cuts in. He even had a huge lash out at a football game which is awful as I think one day he will choose the wrong person and he will get attacked.

The other night he lost it over the most ridiculous thing and swore at me again in front of my 9 year old. She blamed herself and he said he need to leave. I agree we have reached the point of no return. He finds it hard to talk so he emailed me totally accepting blame and how as he says he is “out of control”. I am very resentful and I have lived a sexless, affectionless life and feel I deserve better. Sad thing is I am the most optimistic, upbeat,friendly and social person and he has made me become this person who hides his “secret”. I feel liberated even writing this. I am so hurt he has never tried to fully help himself. I gave up asking him to get help because the minute I would say anything he would criticise me and point out my faults and I just could not take it anymore. We are living together in silence till he finds a place to moving too. Just reading in here helps e realise I am not alone.

[MishnLinc]

Sounds like we have a similar pyschologist Redhuta. I have been suffering from bad anxiety and wake up drywretching in the mornings. Today is the first time I haven't done it but I feel that I am angry and wanting to take a step back from things. I love writing and the other night after I put my child to bed, I wrote what I want in a relationship going forward, be it with my husband or not. I realised what I am not willing to settle for and I have been reading it before I go to bed, to just put it into the universe. I was also giving myself anxiety wondering where he is and what he is doing? I hate it....but I realise I can't control it or fix it.

I know this is no easy fix, my psychologist also told me that this will either make us stronger people or make me realise. Its hard when you have children together and you just want to forget them and what they have done to you. He will always be in my life. I do love him but I feel he has put me through so much, I am now starting to question. I can't wait for Easter as I need a break! to just sleep, relax and be with my little boy.

I want to laugh again and see the sunshine in my face, I take photos now and think I look as miserable as him!

I hope that by May you can have some clarity. You are doing extremely well and I hope out hope, I can hold it together. xo

Mish

[Doolhof]

Hi Redhuta and Mish,

I saw a new psychiatrist today. He gave me the impression he thinks I just have to think happy thoughts and everything will be okay.

If that was the case and it was easy to do, everyone related to the mental health industry would not have employment in that field any longer as no one would need their services.

If only it was that easy hey to get rid of all our concerns and issues.

Ladies, I hope you are able to find ways to make each day more acceptable and enjoyable. I am going to try and do that. Once I work out where to start and how to go about it...

Cheers from Dools

[Redhuta]

Dools- I know with my husband he has gone back to playing tennis twice a week. This brings him a lot of joy as was pretty good as a teen. I am sure this is helping him.

[quirkywords]

Redhutta

I like your psychs advice about not worrying about the future but focus on the present. I try o do that but cna be hard.

You have such isnisght in your own behaviour and compassion for your husband. I do hope things keep improving. Mrs Dool, has given wonderful support and helpful comments that I always learn from.

Mish , thinking of you and hoping things work out for you.

Thanks again redhutts for posting updates and fro being so honest and compassionate.

Quirky

[Redhuta]

Quirky- It is very hard to not think of the future so I work hard at not letting myself get anxious.

I have just feel that focusing on my need for security at the moment seems to put pressure on my husband and I just don’t think it helps either one of us. If I push I get pullback and that hurts and its this cycle that gets neither one of us anywhere.

He just left as he had our daughter all day and as he left I burst into tears. He knows I get upset about him leaving and I said to him I just don’t want things this way. He hugged and kissed me and we dont even need to speak to each other to know how we feel. I just know he needs space and I needed that tiny bit of affection to keep me going which he knew. Time will tell .

[Doolhof]

Hi Redhuta,

Wish I had the words for you, and could tell you everything will be okay! Some days it isn't okay, that is when we need to make plans to make the day better than it is.

It is good your husband is playing tennis again. Is there something you could do to help you feel better about yourself and life each week?

I've been trying to go for a walk everyday but haven't managed this weekend for some reason, feel so very tired and my body is aching. I will get my shoes out and ready for the morning and try to encourage myself, even if it is only a short walk.

Once again, wish I had the words to help you feel better and to take the pain away.

Cheers from Dools

[Redhuta]

Thanks Dools,

I have signed up to the gym and I am going 2-3 times a week and that is what is helping me. I swear by exercise and I have to say I have not allowed myself this “me” time till now. My husband is helping with the kids to allow me this time. I knew if I signed up for a membership I would have to go as I would hate to waste the money.

I am getting some personal training sessions soon and that will help too. I also have a few issues at work which also has added to the stress. The exercise helps with that too as a great stress relief.

Keep up the walking and push yourself! I think when you get through 2 weeks you almost become addicted to exercise and the endorphins.

[quirkywords]

Redhutta,

It must be hard for you to know what to say to your husband at times and to worry about if you are putting too much pressure on him. I don't think you are but I can see why you would worry that you are.

I nearly cried when I read how your husband hugged and reassured you. You are both trying so hard. I am glad that bit of affection gave you something to hold onto.

Like Mrs Dools, I wish I had the words to help and comfort you.

I am glad you are going to the gym and getting some personal training sessions. I have always been impressed how as well as having insight into your husbnand'sneeds you are aware at what you need to look after yourself. Of course with the other pressures in your life this does not always happened but getting regular exercise is a good start.

When I can't get outside due to the weather , I climb up and down my stairs - just a small thing .

Thamks again for keeping us up to date and I know your words are helping others in a similar position.

Quirky

[MishnLinc]

My husband does that as well with the small amounts of affection. I feel that it should be getting easier but after all this time its just getting harder.

He has promised me to spend some time together soon as he hasn't really done it in over 3 weeks. I feel that I am losing momentum and don't know what I am feeling anymore. I want to scream at him one minute and beg him the next.

I realise that I need to find that thing for me as I have been so busy keeping it together, I losing it.

Big hugs to you

Mish

[Redhuta]

JUst a quick update as its been a tough week for me however not to do with my personal situation however with an issue at work. My husband has been amazing and supportive as this is not what I need at the moment. I have had to escalate this issue to our HR department and it honestly could not be happening at a worse time.

My husband is at his best I think when he can feel supportive towards me so this morning we are heading out as a family for a nice coastal walk and then a game of tennis. Yesterday he came over, took the children and did all the sports etc and gave me time to just stay home. I am emotionally exhausted.

I thankfully saw my psychologist yesterday too who gave me some advice on how to protect myself with the work issue and thought it was great that I do have my husband to lean on in this situation. Life has a way of throwing everything at you at once and I am dreading going back to work as I am having to report a manager for acting inappropriately .