Decades of depression and loanliness, where to now?

[QldMouse]

I’ve been reading these most amazing posts, from people who sound so nice and are suffering so much. Sadly I can relate so much to so many
people. With apprehension can I share some of my story in the hope of getting a reality check and possible advice.

Like so many I had a sad childhood which then turned to fear, shame, loneliness and depression in teenage and young adult years. A partner was found for me, I lacked the courage to ask her out. A short burst of happiness followed with the birth of a truly wonderful daughter who gives me the reason to carry on each day.

Sadly my wife comes with her own inventory of baggage and has suffered depression most of her life. Over our 20+ year marriage
I’ve tried to remain supportive but have done a pretty crap job, and after hitting a low point I started getting therapy. I’m told I’ve made
a lot of progress but I don’t feel it myself.

I’m exhausted, I feel so lost, trapped and alone. I have no friends, no life, and nothing but fear. I’m over the hill, accelerating down the other side with only a few years to go. My wife has sought help in the past but without success, and will not consider counseling or any form of assistance. She remains medicated, but it had an adverse reaction on me. I feel so bad for her and shame that I’m such a rubbish husband.

The therapist I’ve been seeing thinks I should leave and pursue my own path to happiness, but I think she underestimates how much that terrifies me. The fear of being even lonelier than I am now and losing my daughter, the one person that keeps me going, I just can’t cope with that. I still love my wife but our relationship has been poor for a couple of decades. We don’t talk honestly, and she is a bit harsh on me at times. I’m not saying I don’t deserve it, and I understand I’m overly sensitive.

My therapist says that I have qualities that women are looking for, but I am very skeptical. I am paying her to make me feel better
after all. She also underestimates how truly bad I am around women. I have suffered social anxiety since I was young, panic attacks and a morbid fear of women. I literally cannot talk to a woman I like, it is hard enough for me to breath in her presence. I dread to think what they must think of me, my deep breathing is not rudeness it’s an inability to obtain oxygen. Pretty poor prospects really.

I’m lost, can I help my wife? Can I help me? Can I help us or is it really too late? How do you tell?

Thanks for reading, be well everyone.

[QldMouse]

Thank you Mary,

I did chuckle at the last part about learning to talk to a Psych, yes that is an acquired talent I need. I can certainly related to it though. The amount of times I've come out, sat in the car/bus/train and gone "huh?". I know I'm not the fastest car in the lot, but I so wonder about people most of the time. Ok, I do know. I didn't have a childhood or teenage years and missed the normal grounding in interpersonal skills. I am trying to stop blaming myself for everything that went wrong in my life, most of it was not of my own doing. I wish I could scream and release it (I can't I failed screen therapy ... you should have seen the Psych, he was very disappointed).

I wander don't I :-(.

Yes indeed you are right, I feel for people very acutely, empathize with everyone's pain and take it on. I'm a chronic fixer and saver of all creatures great, small and smelly. It is one thing I can do that brings me happiness.

Thank you for your excellent council. I'll park the comments about age since you are wiser but I feel older.

I googled for a can of courage, and struck out. But I'll try. I googled Men's Shed and had much more success.

Really sincerely, thank you.

(Yes, I so relate to the poem. I've printed it out and put in my day book).

[White_Rose]

Hello Mouse

I think I may well not be alive had I stayed with ex. To leave was not an optional action. I had to leave to survive. Not that he physically hurt me, just emotionally and psychologically. He certainly knew which buttons to press, and still does. We meet at family gatherings and I avoid him as much as possible but not to the extent that I miss out on the talk and laughter. He's a bit like a stone in the shoe, so I take the shoe off.

Glad you enjoyed the poem. It was given to me by a friend when I was down. Once I recognised that I was the one falling because I did not take evasive action I began to change. Circumstances may not be our fault but our actions are up to us.

You said people came to you for help and advice. How do you meet these people? I am wondering if the places you talk to others offers so much rewards and satisfaction, you could think of ways of extending this. Obviously these people are not chance passers by but those you came across fairly regularly. Is this at work, the pub, activities related to your daughter's activities?

If you have such a good network of people around you, could they help to support you if you were living alone? At least until you have found your feet and become comfortable. Sometimes we do not realise we have help close at hand. I started going to an exercise class several years ago and also getting physiotherapy for my back. The others in the class were a huge support. Not because they knew much about me personally but because we shared interests and general chit chat. I have to say it was never a hugely serious class. We all benefited from the exercise and became stronger , more co-ordinated, more flexible or whatever else we needed.

I talked a lot to my physio. mainly because he wanted to know what I did to cause the various spasms etc but also because he was a nice person. Becoming physically fitter helped me to be more in charge of my life generally. I was more confident about myself and that spilled over to over areas. So there's another option for you. At one time a group of men used to have a class before mine. They enjoyed the fitness aspect but also the camaraderie. It's surprising where you get your help.

Take care.

Mary

[pipsy]

Hi Q.M. There are several points Whiterose has made, one being your age. I'm 65 and left an emotionally immature hubby last year after 25 years of marriage. Basic details were his parents had to be considered before me in everything. Their continued verbal and mental abuse with no reproach from him meant I was up against 3 people. I managed to find a unit in a lovely complex, I visited c'link several times, they helped me with budgeting, etc. I was scared like you, at 65 with no skills and nothing to offer. It's been the best move, I ever made. I'm alone - yes, lonely - no. It took me ages to get the courage to make the transition, the people here were incredible, the amount of support was undeniable. I actually do two types of volunteer work, one here, and one with a company who takes the elderly shopping, Dr's, general tours etc. I am a bit gun-shy regarding emotional attachments, but I feel if I did meet someone it would be taken extremely slowly and carefully till both of us were comfortable. Preferably minus in-laws. Bit of sarcastic humour there. I had great in-laws from my 1st marriage.

If Whiterose and I can do it, you can. Age does not enter the equation. Happiness does not have to be kept to the young.

Lynda.

[QldMouse]

Hi White Rose,

OMG, I’m so sorry to hear that. It really saddens me how some people treat other people, we are a complex species with way too many issues. I’m pleased you have found safety and happiness. I hope life gets better and better for you.

The people, yes. It is embarrassing but they were all through work. I have rarely been in a pub, I can’t drink so there is not much of interest and I have a lot of social anxiety I still have to deal with. Groups of people terrify me, in a closed in area it is very difficult.

I once was a pretty good engineer, much better with things than people. And It may be hard to believe but for many years was a senior executive in some global companies. Oh how the mighty have fallen. But in my day I did a good job, managing hundreds of people. I often found it crazy that I basically like people and being with people except they scare the shit out of me. But nobody seemed to notice in my heyday. The last decade I’ve suffered an
enormous lack of confidence and am basically hiding in a job I could do in my sleep. And sometimes it feels as if I am.

At one point I managed a large group of women and felt very protective of them. The amount of their lives they shared with me was shocking, but I could never share anything with them. I’m pretty old school, a big believer in manners, good behavior, respect and lines that should never be crossed. On several occasions I had to sort out men who were crossing or trying to cross the line of reasonable conduct. I’m frequently underwhelmed by my
gender. I tend to get angry about that kind of behavior, and after one confrontation I had a woman manager ask me if I could be her boss. It was a lovely comment, I appreciated how nice the women were to me but it made me sad that I could not have a nice relationship.

It is like us commenting in this thread about all this deep stuff, it is amazing that I’m typing this but there is no way I could say it to a live woman. The idea is just so terrifying it’s hard to put into words. I am struggling to get my head around that. I know for most of my live there has been a huge hole in me I’ve never been able to fill, just cover over. No matter what I pile on top nothing seems to make that feeling go away.

I did check out the Men’s Shed by the way, it is for retired men and I can’t afford to be for the foreseeable future. I’ll see what else is around.

Thank you for your ideas.

[QldMouse]

Hi Pipsy and thank you.

That environment sounds just terrible, fortunately my current relationship is not violent just emotional. What you had to endure sounds just incredibly sad, I'm very impressed you had the courage to move on. And I'm inspired by what you have achieved, sounds like you have done an amazing job and although you talk about having help I am very aware that what made it happen was you. Well done!!

I can't afford to retire and really don't want to, I loose myself in work when ever possible. That has always been my savior.

I hear you though, I've volunteered at things in the past. I have it in me and I know useful skills.

Thank you for your comments, and have a wonderful weekend in your new life.

[White_Rose]

Hello Mouse

I can see why you got on so well with your female employees. Every woman likes being treated respectfully. Men do to but they do not always notice when it is happening.

You have a terrific sense of humour which I am guessing helps in difficult situations. I know I find this. In the middle of something serious or unpleasant I suddenly find something amusing and have a hard job keeping my face straight. I think this is my saving grace. If I could not laugh I would be on the floor in a huge mess. You know how it goes. Laugh and the world laughs with you, frown and you sleep alone.

Pubs are OK at times. I don't drink because my children find me hilarious after one glass of wine. But I have eaten good meals in pubs and had some enjoyable times there. I am not good in crowds, especially crowds of people I don't know. In August the EKKA will be on and I was asked by the Cancer Council to spend time at the gate handing out literature and other cancer related stuff. Sounds a good deal because I would have a free pass into the exhibition, but the thought of standing there with hordes of people pushing past is enough to give me the horrors. On the other hand I do enjoy talking to folk so I guess I could do that and ignore the crowd.

Sad about the mens shed. I thought they were for all men. After all, many men work part time or shifts and would enjoy the company of other men. And the idea, I thought, was to give men the opportunity to talk about their problems. Problems don't just happen to the older person. How discriminatory.

Is it possible to find another job in your field of expertise at a level that you would be comfortable? Doing a job in your sleep sounds very monotonous. You must need some intellectual stimulus from somewhere. What hobbies/activities/pastimes do you enjoy? I am a bit of a bookworm. Tastes change as you get older I find and I read less fiction than in earlier years. I am a member of a book club that meets monthly. This month's book is All the Light You Cannot See. I gather it's on the most popular list in Brisbane library. I enjoyed it once I found my way into the story. It's one of those that jump from character to character and different times.

I wonder if you would enjoy writing here on BB. I see you have answered posts in several threads and I think they are most helpful. If you have time perhaps you could join several conversations and use your experience to help others.

Mary

[yvemarie]

Hi everyone, i'm new here and after reading all your post, makes me teary. Actually its not my issue i wanted to share although i have a big part on it.Reading posts of people suffering from mental illness and disorders is a very painful journey to oneself and the people involved in their lives and i am one of those. I don't know how to start or relate my own ongoing experience with this issue. Its about my daughter and her ongoing journey with her mental illness.For people who has a normal life whether its a happy one or not and still can live normally has a downfall with it because it's hard for them to understand people suffering from mental illness or being mental unstable. They say , "nah, its attitude problem"" they are just stubborn"," look they r all right, they can go to work or talk to people", "nah, they know what they r doing", "they r manipulative so they r aware what they r doing".These r the usual replies u will hear from people who cannot understand mental sufferers and since they don't have families or friends who r mental sufferers they will never comprehend how these mental sufferers are going on. Unless they experience it that's the only time they will agree. They will say, "nah, u can do it", "u will be fine", " u r just having a bad days", "go for a treatment". Yes, its easy for them to say that, and that is what is very sad, it is disappointing and sometimes I feel angry with these people who thinks its an easy journey for people who suffer mental illness n the people who r involve in their lives. It's very difficult, too because everything involves MONEY. Financial aid is important because families who cannot afford to help these sufferers , will not be able to send them for treatment and medical help, and I am one of those. because of my financial limitations, its very frustrating i cannot help my daughter have a decent mental health assessment n treatment she needs. I will try to find a website, hopefully , that can help people raise personal fund for my daughter and i hope also those who reads these,I just want to let you know i feel for all of u who are very much affected with mental illness including your family n friends. Thank you and we always hope for the very best for our families and friends.

[pipsy]

Hi QldMouse. You mentioned mans shed being about retired men. Have you actually visited one? There are skilled men who go there for companionship. Jeff Kennett actually started it as he foresaw a need for men of all ages to join and help each other. They discuss men's issues health-wise, plus, they have frequent fund-raising activities one of which is sausage sizzles for Bunnings on a regular basis. My ex actually helps run one. He may not have been the best hubby, (there are worse), but mans shed has been the best thing for him. Young guys on Newstart also attend, there is gardening, workshops where you can help with building. My ex does a lot of the computer work, plus he handles the newsletters etc. If you're a recipient of Newstart c'link will need to know you're either volunteering or actively seeking work. With mans' shed c'link will accept that as volunteering. My ex was a prison supervisor, he left after 25 years service due to constant bullying from his general manager. He joined man's shed last April/May and hasn't looked back. What he knows about carpentering could fill two lines (not pages, lines) of a book (I kid you not), but man's shed offered him a friendship, that he'd never experienced in his job.

Lynda

[QldMouse]

Hi yvemarie, welcome to the thread!! I hope it helps you.
I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter, and the lack of understanding she is being shown. It is so very hard to help someone, even harder when it is your child. I have a daughter too, and i'd rather have all the problems than see her have a problem.
You say that money is an issue, have you used the Medicare Mental Health program? it gives you up to 10 free visits to a therapist per year paid by medicare. I spent three years on mental health plans and never paid a cent. Talk to your GP. You just answer some questions, your daughter fills out a form and gets a referral.
I spent many years as a care giver and with a partner with depression, so I really feel for your situation. It is hard when you can help them yourself isn't it.
One thing you must do is take care of yourself, we have a tendency to focus on giving care at the expense of our own selves, that is another thing that caused me to go down the path I have.
Remember to be kind to yourself, and all the best for your journey.

[QldMouse]

Hi White Rose,
Thank you, you are so kind. I know I try to use humour as a shield, and a smoke screen. When I'm really down I use too much sarcasm and dark humour to say things I actually mean. A very bad habit I'm trying to get past.
I had shivers reading about Ekka, I won't go near it for the same reason. I hope you find the bravery, I will be impressed.

My hat is off to you, you like talking to people. I used to but that skill has been worn away, I even used to do public speaking but now, hell no. It does make me sad when I compare me now to me 10,15,20 years ago. I have lost a lot of ground.

Finding work is hard, you have to find confidence and talk to people. I am looking now for when my contract ends. We will see how that goes.

Right now not much makes me happy, I used to love books with a passion and usually had several on the go. Now I can hardly manage a page or two at a sitting.

I know I need to find something that makes me happy.

I am finding it rewarding to participate here, I'm amazed and so saddened by so many of the threads here. As I find the time I will continue. Thank you for the compliment, I don't know if it helps people but it helps me.

I checked Men's Shed again, their meetings are all in the day time which rules me out. I did laugh about your skills assessment on your ex, two lines huh!! LOL. At least I do have skills, an ex electrical engineer that also got registered as an electrician and working in building services for several years. I can swing an hammer and a wide assortment of electrical and petrol powered tools. I do enjoy gardening with petrol powered tools ...

Ah well. Thank you for your support, I feel very humbled and really appreciate all your comments.