Decades of depression and loanliness, where to now?

[QldMouse]

I’ve been reading these most amazing posts, from people who sound so nice and are suffering so much. Sadly I can relate so much to so many
people. With apprehension can I share some of my story in the hope of getting a reality check and possible advice.

Like so many I had a sad childhood which then turned to fear, shame, loneliness and depression in teenage and young adult years. A partner was found for me, I lacked the courage to ask her out. A short burst of happiness followed with the birth of a truly wonderful daughter who gives me the reason to carry on each day.

Sadly my wife comes with her own inventory of baggage and has suffered depression most of her life. Over our 20+ year marriage
I’ve tried to remain supportive but have done a pretty crap job, and after hitting a low point I started getting therapy. I’m told I’ve made
a lot of progress but I don’t feel it myself.

I’m exhausted, I feel so lost, trapped and alone. I have no friends, no life, and nothing but fear. I’m over the hill, accelerating down the other side with only a few years to go. My wife has sought help in the past but without success, and will not consider counseling or any form of assistance. She remains medicated, but it had an adverse reaction on me. I feel so bad for her and shame that I’m such a rubbish husband.

The therapist I’ve been seeing thinks I should leave and pursue my own path to happiness, but I think she underestimates how much that terrifies me. The fear of being even lonelier than I am now and losing my daughter, the one person that keeps me going, I just can’t cope with that. I still love my wife but our relationship has been poor for a couple of decades. We don’t talk honestly, and she is a bit harsh on me at times. I’m not saying I don’t deserve it, and I understand I’m overly sensitive.

My therapist says that I have qualities that women are looking for, but I am very skeptical. I am paying her to make me feel better
after all. She also underestimates how truly bad I am around women. I have suffered social anxiety since I was young, panic attacks and a morbid fear of women. I literally cannot talk to a woman I like, it is hard enough for me to breath in her presence. I dread to think what they must think of me, my deep breathing is not rudeness it’s an inability to obtain oxygen. Pretty poor prospects really.

I’m lost, can I help my wife? Can I help me? Can I help us or is it really too late? How do you tell?

Thanks for reading, be well everyone.

[Rachel3]

Hi, Unfortunately Im not experienced enough to help you with what to do in your relationship, but I do think that it is never too late. I understand how hard it must be to go though this all. I think continuing to go to a therapist is the best thing you can do for both of you (and trying to get her to go to). At this time thinking about dating is probably not your first priority, your mental health should come first. Also I don't think your therapist should be encouraging you to leave your wife and then talking about going into another relationship quickly but thats just my opinion. Mental health takes time and work to get better. If you feel that your therapy is not helping at all I suggest going to your doctor and looking for another option, perhaps a different kind of therapy or going on medication. There are also losts of resources online (like on beyond blue) that may help you and your wife. If your wife wont let anyone help then you cant change that, but you could encourage her to do things that you are being told to do from your therapist. In the end everything is up to you and everyone is different. Just doing give up, you are amazingly strong for dealing with this and you can get better. I hope this helps at lest a little.

[pipsy]

Hi QldMouse. The position you're in now seems to have stemmed from a childhood where you were repressed. Beginning any relationship is hard because both of you are strangers, going into an arranged relationship would've been even harder because neither of you had an opportunity to really 'know' each other prior to getting married. It sounds as though your parents thought they were helping you, when what they were actually doing is repressing you as a person. You said you were sad, lonely, depressed etc. May I ask if you also suffered acute shyness, which would've contributed to your fear of asking someone out, then fearing rejection. Shyness alone often causes acute depression. Because of the fear of rejection, being laughed at, people tend to withdraw becoming shy and uneasy. Were you able at any time to talk to your parents about your fears? Your therapist, advising you to separate seems a bit extreme. Perhaps she was asking if you were contemplating separating and you misunderstood. Telling you, you have qualities women are looking for, could be her way of helping you build your confidence. Can I ask if your Dr referred you to your therapist? If that is the case, it might be an idea to re-visit your Dr and have a talk with her/him about what the therapist said. Maybe ask for another referral or ask for a referral to a marriage counsellor. Overcoming shyness can be a major hurdle, but it can be overcome with the right sort of help, guidance. I feel the shyness due to repression could the crux of your problem. The panic attacks, morbid fear, breathing problems, most of this can be overcome once you learn to overcome shyness. Maybe short term AD's may help with the shyness, the AD's would help you relax, which then eases the tension, fear etc.

Lynda.

[White_Rose]

Dear Qld Mouse

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. I am sorry you are having such a hard time and feeling so bad about it.

I am unsure about your story. By that I mean I can't grasp what's happening. That's probably because I am a bit slow on the uptake so please bear with me. Can I ask you a few questions?

You have told us I had a sad childhood which then turned to fear, shame, loneliness and depression in teenage and young adult years. Can you tell me why you felt these emotions? Were you abused, or neglected? I ask because it does make a difference to the way you grow up. I also don't want to tread on any toes. Feeling shame is a horrible experience when you have done nothing to be ashamed of.

If I understand you correctly you had an arranged marriage, which is unusual these days. I gather it was a happy marriage at the start. You were also blessed by the birth of your daughter. How old is she? I have two daughters who are very precious to me. So I can understand how difficult it would be to leave your wife and also your daughter.

I have learned a few lessons during my lifetime. There are probably more lessons I should have learned, but so far I have learned you can only manage your life. You tell us you are unwell and need help. I believe no therapist should be telling you to leave your life. This is something under your control, not your therapists. May I ask who diagnosed your depression? Was it your doctor? Have you had any other diagnosis? These are important issues in your life to develop and maintain good physical and mental health.

I hope you will tell us a little more about being unwell. You said your wife took medication which suits her, but not you. Did you take the same meds as her and were they prescribed by your doctor? It's not a good idea to take medication prescribed for someone else. If your GP prescribed them perhaps you should see him/her again and explain the meds had bad side effects for you. This way the GP can prescribe another medication. All ADs are not the same. They work in different ways and people react to them in very different ways. I have found many ADs do not suit me but finally found something that worked for me and which I could tolerate.

Perhaps this is true in your case also. I suggest you visit your GP again and explain how the ADs made you feel. If you feel nervous about talking, write down the things you want to say and give theses notes to the doctor. Please respond and we can talk again.

Mary

[QldMouse]

Thank you Rachel3, pipsy, and White Rose, I really appreciate you taking the time to comment.

I’m sorry, I don’t explain myself very well, and trying to cram enough context into 2500 characters was a stretch. There is a lot missing.

My childhood was one of physical and emotional abuse from my Mother. Even though I wound up in hospital a few times, and have more than my share of broken bones, nobody paid much attention in those days. My father left when I was young and my mother suffered greatly with three young kids, as the only boy we can speculate that I coped some of her hate for my father. I understand that. In spite of seeking help over several decades, it is only a few years ago I was diagnosed with PTSD and went through a set of treatment that did help a bit. She died many years ago, so I’ll never really get to understand.

Yes, I am very shy, I have always been shy. I was bullied at school of course, and have low self esteem and an internal monolog that is pretty poor. I generally fear social situations.

I was first diagnosed with depression by a great doctor almost 40 years ago. I have been through several Psychiatrists over the years. Some of them and GP’s have tried me on drugs, but I’m also a diabetic with some drug interaction challenges. Drugs are a minefield for me.

I’m sorry ladies, I’ve misrepresented what my therapist is telling me. The missing bit of information is that for most of my marriage it has been an abusive environment. It hasn’t been all bad of course, but in therapy as we worked through the few relationships I’ve been in they have all been abusive. Apparently it is not so unusual to seek out a partner who treats you like your mother did.

Her point is that it is up to me to decide if I wish to stay in an abusive relationship and continue to be unhappy,
or leave and try to find happiness. It is not that simple or easy to me.

My point is that with my history seeking companionship, I have no chance of finding a happy relationship. And I
really can’t cope being alone, I’d rather be in an unhappy relationship than on my own. So I put on a happy face as much as I can and carry on. As time has gone on that has become harder.

Cont/...

[QldMouse]

Cont/...

Pipsy, your right. Listing my strengths has been part of an exercise to build my confidence, sorry I left that out.

My
wife has given up on doctors and getting help, nothing I seem to say or do helps. Now she resents me trying to get help. Her physical and mental health is pretty poor, mine is a bit better. The one thing we unite on is our love for our daughter. This amazing young lady has taught me how much I love I have in me. It is my love and pride in her that keeps me going.

That is a bit more of my story, I hope it makes more sense. I’m sorry its hard to follow, I am a bit of a train wreck. I have been having a harder than usual time lately and don’t feel like I’m making progress.

I just wondered if there is hope, if there can be happiness for someone like me, and how others have gone.

Thank you for your consideration.​

[White_Rose]

Hello Qld Mouse

I live in Qld also. Did you get much rain yesterday? We did, 75 ml. I know we need rain but it's so miserable and cold. Today is much brighter though still cold. I hope your day is also brighter.

Thanks for clarifying. My husband had an abusive mother, but unlike you he became a bully and eventually I left him. I was in a bad situation some years ago and my psychologist and GP told me I would only heal if I left the situation. Well I tried other things but went back because I decided I was not going to be chased away. Eventually the other person left and although I still have the scars, so to speak, I find my life generally good.

I have said this because there are different options with your marriage. If you stay then you should be more assertive, though I am not sure if this will work for you. If you leave you will be on your own and you say you cannot cope with this. When I left my husband I found it difficult to be on my own once the euphoria of escaping had died down. It's not easy I agree. It depends on how much you want to be in control of your life.

I presume you can do the day to day stuff like cooking and cleaning? It's the living alone part that horrifies you. Yes I do understand. I became very depressed at this time and used to go for walks to avoid being in my home alone. I did learn to live alone and it would need to be a huge reason why I would now give this up.

May I ask how old you are? You said you were over the hill and skating down the other side. Is that how you feel or is it an age thing? For me, especially now I have retired, the world is my oyster. I can do all the things I wanted to do. Some were a bit of a let down and I found others I had not even heard of before. The old saying about leaving work and doing more afterwards is true me for I think.

It's doesn't happen overnight and it does take time, effort and some loneliness. Your daughter will visit/stay with you and you can make friends. I know you are shy but there are ways of getting to know others more easily. Have you heard of the Mens Shed organisation? This is a male only organisation where 'blokes' get together and make things. Some are experts, many have never done any manual work before. The experts teach the non-experts. You start talking without noticing and I understand the coffee break is great.

Google this and see if there is one near you and then join. It's a start. Maybe you will stay with your wife if you find outside interests.

Mary

[QldMouse]

Hi Mary, yes the weekend was fun with the rain and the wind. But we did fair better than northern NSW and Sydney it seems.

Thank you so much for you reply, I so appreciate this. Let me try and answer your questions in 2500 characters!

First, I'm so sorry to hear about your time with your husband, I've seen several poor women in that situation and it makes me very sad. I feel so sad hearing the stories of peoples lives and I realise mine isn't so bad. Your words are inspirational, after all you have been through you find life generally good. I'm really glad for you.

It is crazy, in spite of the wreak I am people keep coming to me for help, and it makes me feel good to help them. I seem better at helping people than helping me.

I've had psychologists and councilors tell me I will only heal if I leave also, that is my big issue. Staying means being told how bad, pathetic and worthless I am, and that seems to hurt the most. I've had that all my life. I am not assertive at all, I spend most of the time in shame or fear or both. I guess that may be why I never became a bully, any time I tried to fight back I was beaten. I learned never to argue or show resistance at an early age, and learned to deal with frustration by self harm. Still working on that issue.

Day to day stuff like cooking and cleaning? Yes I can, cooking is not my strong suit but i'm a clean freak and passionate cleaner. I like to clean, it makes me happy. Correct it's the living alone part that terrifies me. When I was on my own the last time it did get too much for me and I tried to end the pain, failed that too.

Age wise I am late 50's, with the horrible prospect of 60 looking really close. I don't know how many years I have left, so do I have the time and the energy to start again, is it possible for me? will it be worth it? this is what is racing about in the shambles I call a head. I see couples looking happy with each other, doing things together and showing affection to each other. And I long for that, I've never really had a warm relationship and so envy people who do.

I have heard of the Mens Shed, there is one just down the road. My GP, and well every psychiatrist and therapist has suggested that to me. Maybe it is time to have a look.

Thank you.

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[White_Rose]

Hello Qld Mouse

Thanks for replying. Late 50's! A mere babe in arms. In 40 years time you will still be less than 100, but I won't.

I hope you do try the Mens Shed. I know a few men who go to my local shed and they get a lot out of it. One man does the most amazing carving in wood. A point to consider. If you feel you have no skills in DIY then this is the place to learn. And the reward is...improved self confidence. I hope that hasn't frightened you off.

None of us know how much time we have left. It's often said that we are dying from the moment we are born. Not really sure about that, but you no doubt get the picture. And once you are gone that's it, all over red rover. So resolve to make the most of now, leave a legacy for your daughter, show the world that you are a brave man.

I have noticed that it so often the most damaged and hurt people who are able to empathize and show compassion to others. Once you have fallen down the hole you know how bad it is and how hard to get out again. If I have enough word space left I will put in a poem that helped me.

It's a bit like making a five year plan. It doesn't need deadlines and dates, just milestones to show you how you are going. So what is the first goal you want to reach? Being more socially comfortable? How are you going to do this? Small steps. Perhaps step 1 is joining the Mens Shed and staying there for six months. Step 2 is starting conversations with the men there. Step 3 learning how to do or make something, no matter how small.

Step 4 is a biggy. Find another volunteer organisation to join, while remaining a member of the Mens Shed.

OK, do you get the idea? It will be hard work for you because it seems so unnatural, but if you can do something like my suggestion there will be no stopping you. Get connected to your neighbourhood. When you are asked for help you know it makes you feel good. Remind yourself that you are valuable person, that others depend on you and you care for others.

You ask if you have time to start again. I asked my psych that after I had left my ex. He said he didn't know why not, which of course is psych talk for Yes. There, I learned another skill, how to talk psych. I sometimes think if I had left my husband 20 years earlier how much happier my life would have been. The truth is I will never know. And it's pointless trying to guess. We are where we are and wasting time looking over our shoulders is a sure way to miss what's in front of us. More later.

Mary

[White_Rose]

I thought I wouldn't have room for this above, so here you are.

Autobiography in Five Chapters
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in
I am lost…I am hopeless
It isn’t my fault
It takes forever to find a way out.

I walk down the same street
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I pretend I don’t see it
I fall in again
I can’t believe I am in the same place
But it isn’t my fault
It still takes a long time to get out.

I walk down the same street
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I see it is there
I still fall in…it’s a habit
My eyes are open
I know where I am
It is MY fault
I get out immediately

I walk down the same street
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I walk around it.

I walk down another street.

No great moral in this. I think it is what we do so often. Let me know what you think.

Mary