Chronic suicidality

[Idontevenknow]

Hi everyone,

I have had chronically suicidal for over two years. It has led to a few attempts and hospitalisations. I'm currently receiving treatment/therapy but it's a long process. Its kind of getting tough because unfortunately you can't just pause life. I'm under a lot of stress from school (zillions of grade 12 assessments), my anxiety has skyrocketed and I'm trying to continue functioning as a normal human being despite being very depressed. Does anyone have any tips on how to keep going in those times between treatment and living a relatively normal life or just with dealing with chronic suicidality in general?

Thanks heaps

[Croix]

Dear Hannah~

Yes Christmas time will be good. Looking on YouTube I particularly liked the Megan Fairchild and Joaquin de Luz pas de deux.

It looks so hard becuse each move can give the impression of a mistake if carried just a tiny bit further than intended -very demanding.

In a way I guess it is good you and your sister have different tastes, who knows, maybe some of the moves in jazz ballet will strike a chord with you, giving you a broarder interest. Have a look at how it can all end up:

The Muppet Show: Juliet Prowse & The Green Gazelles - "Solace"

[Warning, lecture time] If you are managing to cope, even if only, that is excellent, it also a good time to plan for those times when you can't, while you mind can think of thngs other than just the present. If it was not too hard to raise the subject could your sister help you update your BeyondNow?

Mine gets updated every time I find a new thing that would help. It is awkward to replace things, but I figure the time spent now pays off when one simply can't think.[End lecture time]

Croix

[Idontevenknow]

Hello Croix,

I have attempted some of my sister's stronger styles, I enjoyed jazz but my hip hop skills are terrible haha. However, I do enjoy and will go to the odd class. At the moment its hard to pick up on the dance as my dance school are all just doing end of year performance work which I can't participate in now. The two classes I can and want to attend are on the exact same time as my DBT group which is a bummer. Hopefully one will change their times over the holidays or next year so I can go to both. I quite enjoyed watching the Muppet Show piece and the Pas De Deux. I loved the chreography in both. The costume in the Muppet show piece was really nice too and accentuated the movements really well. I love the music in the Pas De Deux.

I forgot about using this time wisely. I will have a look at my Beyond Now plan. My sister is only 12 so I don't really want to do it with her. Maybe with my case manager or DBT therapist maybe. I have already learnt a lot of new DBT skills I can add into the plan and other skills or things I have tried but don't work well for me I can take out. I'll look into planning other stuff for the future as well.

Thanks for the advice,

Hannah

[Croix]

Dear Hannah

A pity about the timing, do any of the classes need understudies?

I've got a cat nagging me ATM so can't stop.

However maybe you sister can, even without knowing anything abut BeyondNow or anything at all related , remember things that you have enjoyed but that you have currently forgotten in just a simple conversation.

It's hard being a member of a cat's staff -sigh, I'm coming...

Croix

[Idontevenknow]

Hello Croix,

I'm not sure if they would require understudies at my dance school, if someone could no longer perform they'd probably just reblock the dance.

I'll think about talking to my sister. Once I graduate one of the things I wanted to do was spend a bit more time with her. Before high school we were absolutely inseparable. All day from the moment we woke up in the morning to when we hit the hay we would do everything together. I think she misses it, and I do too. Maybe we won't play with dolls but we could find other things we used to/may now enjoy together.

Your cat seems to very much enjoy your love and attention. Cat's do seem to act quite like royalty in a home setting.

I recently increased my medication dosage because the lower dose was going okay (not any very good or bad side effects). But now, I'm getting really crappy side effects, it's made me feel worse again. On top of the anxiety and highly emotional time that I'm currently going through with graduation and stuff, the medication is making it really tough to not lose my shit. I texted my DBT therapist and she said that its a common side effect but it usually goes away quickly. I sure hope it does otherwise I want to stop taking it. It's done has almost no positive impact on my mental health.

Some good news: my family just booked a holiday to Japan for over the New Year! And when we get back we'll probably get the puppy!

Thanks,

Hannah

[Croix]

Dear Hannah~

I've not been able to post for a few days, which accounts for the delay in getting back to you. It is easy to assume someone has lost interest or some other such thing, that is not the case here, just circumstances.

I'm surprised at the dance school, normally there is at least a symmetry that needs to be maintained, and a missing dancer would highlight the lack of it.

It can be surprisingly easy to resume a deep friendship, you start to talk almost as if you last talked the day before. Yes dolls are probably out, but basic nature will not have changed. I expect you will enjoy a close friendship again -something to look forward too. apart from dance do you share many interests?

With me some meds the side effects went away as they started to work properly, with others not so good. I'm glad you are keeping in contact wiht your therapist and I guess you have the right idea, get your therapist to change dosage if things do not improve - have you been given any sort of timescale?

Japan and a puppy, I think of the two it is probably the puppy I'd look forward to most -how about you?

Croix

[Idontevenknow]

Hello Croix,

That's okay, I did get a bit concerned but I had a feeling that something was happening in your own life.

Yeah with dance when I pulled out they fixed each dance I was in pretty quickly and easily, it'd be much harder to add someone in.

A lot of people have said they're jealous of the relationship I have with my sister as we rarely fight, if we do its over little things that we forget about 5 minutes later. To be honest I'm having trouble thinking of things we both enjoy. We both enjoy swimming. We also both like board games but opposite types, I like games like Trivial Pursuit and she enjoys games like Monopoly. I'm not sure if you've heard of the app Tik tok but we both enjoy using it and making funny videos. I'll try and think of some more.

The side effects of the medication have calmed down now thankfully. I've also began taking them in the evening as it makes me really tired a few hours after taking it. It works well at night now. My therapists can't control my meds but I'm meeting a new doctor next week who will be in charge of all that. I can't remember well but I think there will be a medication review towards the end of the month.

I'm not sure which is more exciting, I'm excited to go to Japan because it should make me happier but the puppy will also be a big mood booster hopefully. Exciting times.

Oh and I also just finished my last ever school assessment today! No more school exams and assignments ever! This time in a week I'll be graduated!

Thank you,

Hannah

[Aaronsis]

Hey Hannah

Sorry that the absence of Croix left you feeling a little concerned, I should have jumped in to chat to you too. I have been reading your posts tho.

I am so very very excited for you with the upcoming trip to Japan, wow, that is so very special and it will be so wonderful to experience some of your culture in the hometown. I can only imagine all the delicious food and the beautiful people not to mention the sites...wow, that will be so wonderful.

Then the icing on the cake..a little fur baby to love...I can't wait to hear what name you choose and to hear all about this exiciting new addition to your family. Pets are so very loving, well mostly, I say that as I look at my cat who is just ignoring me and staring out the window...lol..cats..grrrr

I saw that you mentioned TIKTOK, as you can imagine with my 13 year old daughter that is so very very prevalent in my house...ok I have a huge confession...I do them with her when she asks...lol...yes I can hear you laughing...it is so very funny...I have just learnt the moves to the one that goes something like "I have muscles like superman trainer.."....well I am sure you know the one. But hey, that is awesome that you are doing that with your sister and so wonderful you are close, it really is, and these little videos you can look back on together and laugh and have some wonderful memories....

What a relief that the school bit is over for you I am so very proud of you, you stuck it through when you were in a really tough spot and you did it, well done Hannah that is such a credit to you and I am so happy and so proud....you are wonderful.

Hope you can do some more TIKTOKs this weekend, love to hear what one you are doing..lol

Chat soon

Sarah

[Croix]

Dear annah~

It's good to be back on-line. Unfortunately it's not possible for me to say I'll be out of it for a few days, but rest assured it was not you, or anything about you. Sometimes we do disappear for a few days, a nuisance.

I'm glad Sarah stepped in and said hello again, I must confess I had to look Tik tok up, it's certainly a more sophisticated deal than dolls.

Being able to get over an argument quickly is a great gift, and finding things you enjoy will take a bit, but I'm not sure how important that is. Love and affection are the main thing ,and if sometimes you have to do something dead boring just to please the other it is no big deal.

I'm glad the meds are settling down, it can be pretty weird until they do. Do you know anything about the new doctor?

It must be a really great feeling not to have school there any more, I went to a fair number and never liked any of them, still all in the past now.

Apart from Japan and puppies, what would you like to do next? Just chill with your sister?

Croix

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Sarah,

Haven't talked in what seems like a while, how have you been?

I am very excited for Japan, I always seem to be in a magically better mood when I'm there. When I get back home it can get tough though because its often when reality hits. And I always seem to go downhill, well at least for the past 3 years.

We're probably going to name my new dog Winnie because its a cute name and I love Winnie the Pooh. So excited! We've been sent a few pictures of her and she looks adorable!

Haha don't worry, Tiktok is really fun and anyone and everyone seems to love making them. Yes, I do know the one you're talking about, I did that with one of my school friends. Today I made a few dance ones with my sister to the sounds "turn the speakers up listen to the", candy- doja cat and til the morning. Very entertaining and funny to look back on. I've tried convincing my mum to make them with me but she's pretty camera shy.

Only 6 days left until I graduate! I've got a jam-packed week coming up so this weekend I'm mainly resting. I might be going shopping tomorrow with a friend for some teachers gifts and to dinner with my dance class. I've been extremely anxious the past few weeks because of all that's going on. I guess its not going to go away at least until schoolies week is over too, a bit of a bummer.

Talk soon,

Hannah

[Croix]

P.S. I lost your 'H', sorry about that
-C