Chronic suicidality

[Idontevenknow]

Hi everyone,

I have had chronically suicidal for over two years. It has led to a few attempts and hospitalisations. I'm currently receiving treatment/therapy but it's a long process. Its kind of getting tough because unfortunately you can't just pause life. I'm under a lot of stress from school (zillions of grade 12 assessments), my anxiety has skyrocketed and I'm trying to continue functioning as a normal human being despite being very depressed. Does anyone have any tips on how to keep going in those times between treatment and living a relatively normal life or just with dealing with chronic suicidality in general?

Thanks heaps

[Croix]

Dear HannaH~

Home with the safty valve of the sub-acute facility sounds a very workable solution, plus if you are only visiting I doubt they will do much about the severity of your last visit, just accept you. A good case manager by the sounds of it.

Safety valves are important, and having another in your school counselor is excellent. Such things can make one feel more secure, and more willing to try to face the day.

I have the feeling that any half-way reasonable therapist will recognize your confusion over your feelings, and not be either surprised or dismissive, after all that confusion is itself a symptom. How do the two of you get on?

There have been times when I have been genuinely frightened of myself, mainly because of waht I might do -in other words kill myself. So I know the feelings of no confidence in yourself. It come back, and the things you do help build it up over time, things like resisting an urge, things like talking as you do here, things like making honest attempts with therapist, counselor and all.

They point to the fact that even if you do not realize it you are becoming (if you are not already) reliable.

Flowers turn a plain wintry and stark landscape into a wonder. Do you have a favorite one?

Croix

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Croix,

I've managed to stay safe at home the past few days without the need for the sub-acute place. Not sure how things will go in the next few weeks. More worried about once I graduate though. It will be good to get rid of the pressure of school and everything that comes with it (finally!) but it will also give me more time to do nothing and think. Figuring out at the moment how to tackle that. I'm not sure I'm ready for work yet because of the access I'll have to means.

I get on with my case manager, DBT therapist and school counsellor very well. I'm very lucky to have them and to be able to get on with them so well. I'm just confused about so many of my emotions and thoughts. It annoys and scares me because although they were bad, it was the only thing that was stable and now its not. More loss of control. I feel pretty scatterbrained which as you said is probably a symptom in itself.

My favourite flower used to be Frangipani as a kid, I still love them but I think Jasmine outdo's them now. I like plants and nature in general too. I've been trying to grow those Woolies plants which is pretty fun.

What are your favourite?

Hannah

[Croix]

Dear Hannah~

Days at home a success, that's pretty good, maybe thngs will quieten down a bit now you know you have that backstop available.

My favorite is the fucshia, particularly the multicolored ones. They remind me of dancers, ballerinas, and also of my grandparent's place where they grew in great masses against the wall. Grandparents were a special part of my childhood.

Ballet too is a treat, though as I live in a rural area a rare one.

So what will you do with your time? Certainly not brooding, growing Woollies plants is ok, but not all that occupying, what might you enjoy?

Scatterbrained is OK, you may gain more thoughts and ideas than if you just had straight moods, and that might be good. I'm reminded how scatterbrained I am when I try mindfulness, I've the attention span of a goldfish.

You sound a bit more on top today

Croix

[Idontevenknow]

Hello Croix,

I think the main thing helping me get through everything right now is having my DBT therapist available most of the day. I have a lot on my mind at the moment. I have my appointment with my case manager again tomorrow and with my DBT counsellor the day after so hopefully I can discuss it with them.

Fucshias do look a lot like dancers or ballerinas, and seem like a comforting reminder of some beautiful people. It's funny being able to remember the kinds of flowers and the memories associated with them. In a similar way, I used to live in the city and had a small front yard. Mum enjoys gardening so she had an array of flowers and plants in the front yard. I don't remember much about that time or the house I lived in but every time I see a type of flower that was in my front yard, it reminds me of that time. There was also a frangipani tree in the yard which is probably why it was my favourite flower. You'd think flowers are such little things that blend into the background of life but many of them really are quite memorable. Now that I'm thinking about it, there are so many types of flowers I can think of that remind me of a certain place or person.

I love watching and doing ballet too! At one point I was doing upwards of 12 hours a week of just ballet. A bit crazy but I enjoyed it.

I'm not sure what I'll do with my time yet. Once I graduate I'm going on a bit of a "schoolies" holiday with my friends to a nearby holiday town. Then I'll have about four weeks of staying at home then I'm going on holiday to Japan for three weeks which I'm super excited for. In the four weeks before then so far I have planned:

- spending time with school friends before we all go our own ways

- maybe getting a dog!! (btw its pretty much confirmed that we're getting a puppy now just unsure when)

- getting my provisional drivers license

- a crap tonne of therapy as usual

- planning next year

- and other random little things like the woolies plants

I just realised that's the first time I've really written that out or thought about it like that. It seems so far away but its so soon!

My mind is the most difficult puzzle at the moment but you're right in saying you gain more thoughts and ideas. I'll try some mindfulness skills to at least gain some control over it.

Thanks,

Hannah

[Croix]

Dear Hannah~

It seems to me we both have strong associations between plant life and good memories, Another I love is oak trees in the wind, they too remind my of grandparent's house by the sea.

Have you considered with your woollies plants specifically looking for the ones associated wiht your mum's garden? Do you think you could make them into a happy reminder or would they be too overlaid by unwanted memories?

12 h.p.w. ballet is not excessive for someone that enjoys it, far from it. As for watching, I've seen Cinderella and Swan Lake so far this year and hope to see Nutcracker before the year is out.

I go to a large town which has a proper theater . The floor of the stage is quite old and one can tell the quality and skill of any particular dancer. If they 'thump' as they land, they have a way to go.

It is a magical world nevertheless. The flight of the swans, with arms above head and brought down gracefully in wing-beats is one of my favorite scenes.

Croix

[Idontevenknow]

Hello Croix,

I think that's a good idea trying to find the plants that were in my childhood garden, I'll have to ask mum what types they were though because I'm unsure. They'll also have to be able to grow in the climate I live in now which is very different to my childhood one. However, if I find a few I think it'll be really nice to have them in my garden.

I don't get many ballets coming to where I live either. I did recently get to see Swan Lake though which was really good. My favourite is the four cygnets dance, I've attempted it before and its so hard! The same with the dying swan piece, it is beautiful. I've never got the chance to see the Nutcracker. Maybe I can watch a few more in the years to come. The next dance performance I'll be watching is the end of year dance concert my sister is performing in. I'm very excited to watch it.

Only 16 more days until I graduate! It's so weird what has happened in my final years of high school. I never would have been able to guess at the start of high school or even last year what my life would have in store for me. In fact, I've written my whole English speech on the lessons I've learnt the past few years and there sure are many. It's titled, I finally understand that life is like a box of chocolates. I'll insert my conclusion of my speech that sums up everything I go into.

Life isn’t fair, no one can control it. Use the things you can control to get back up on your feet. Keep going, the world will keep turning, so you can keep going. Learn from those bumps and falls, don’t live with regret, it does nothing. Thank every experience happy sad, stupid or serious. Live in the moment, it will really fill up your life. Keep growing. All you’ve got is yourself on this crazy journey they call life. And now, I finally understand that life is like a box of chocolates, you truly have no idea what the heck you’re going to get. Thank you and good luck.

Hope you like it,

Hannah

[Croix]

Dear Hannah

The dance of the four cygnets is just about the ultimate, becuse the 4 dancers are joined together, close and equally in full view the coordination has to be fantastic. Plus it is fast.

Your conclusion sounds excellent and very readable too. I wonder if you have heard of the Desiderata, something in your words reminds me of it, I think you might like it.

Croix

[Idontevenknow]

Dear Croix,

I had a look at the Desiderata, it does seem quite like my writing and I did enjoy reading it.

That's another thing, once I graduate I'm hoping to get back into reading more and try and get some of the suggestions of books you gave me. When I was younger reading was a great past time and I'm hoping to bring a bit of that passion back. I'm very excited about it actually. I'm also planning to spend more time with my sister and my friends once I graduate which should be a lot of fun.

Thanks,

Hannah

[Croix]

Dear Hannah~

The Nutcracker is well worth watching, there are (deliberately) a different number of dancing styles. I do remember before I watched it for the very first time I wished I'd had a programmer (was too broke) as it seemed convoluted, however now it just flows fine.

Does your sister share you interests in dancing styles, or has a different repertoire?

Do you mind if I say you sound more positive than before?

Croix

[Idontevenknow]

Hello Croix,

I've seen and learnt excerpts of the Nutcracker but never the whole thing. I would love to see it, especially at Christmas time! It probably did seem a bit all over the place the first time you watched because there are so many different characters, scenes and sets. We were going to do a production of it at my old dance school but never got the chance.

My sister and I are very similar but very opposite weirdly in many ways. We both enjoy dancing but she is better at hip hop and jazz and that kind of thing and I'm better at styles like contemporary and lyrical. We both enjoy ballet. With school, I despise history but my sister loves it. I quite like maths but she hates it with all her gut.

I think the downward slope has stopped, thank goodness. Probably why I seem a bit more upbeat. Still feel kinda crappy but things are improving. I think I'm so crazily busy and there's so much happening at the moment that other (personally) easier to manage emotions are coming up instead like stress and nervousness.

Thank you,

Hannah