Chronic suicidality

[Idontevenknow]

Hi everyone,

I have had chronically suicidal for over two years. It has led to a few attempts and hospitalisations. I'm currently receiving treatment/therapy but it's a long process. Its kind of getting tough because unfortunately you can't just pause life. I'm under a lot of stress from school (zillions of grade 12 assessments), my anxiety has skyrocketed and I'm trying to continue functioning as a normal human being despite being very depressed. Does anyone have any tips on how to keep going in those times between treatment and living a relatively normal life or just with dealing with chronic suicidality in general?

Thanks heaps

[Croix]

Dear Hannah~

I am afraid I simply do not agree about any school year being the best your of your life. I went to 8 different schools in 3 countries, and thought they were all pretty ghastly (except one). I was never bullied or picked on, just found my fellow schoolmates unsatisfying, cliquey and told fibs -and without genuine care for others.

Go figure.

My best years have been by far better and have been later on, after school was all over. That's not to say there were some things I did not enjoy, I was in a national choir and sang well, it was a source of joy. There were other things too.

"100 bad days" -forget" being interesting at parties "- they build up strength, resilience, experience and coping and allow you to worry less.

If you find lack of frantic activity leaves too much time for thoughts to take over what do you think is the best action to take?

Croix

[Aaronsis]

Hey Hannah

I wanted to start off by saying that I have to agree with Croix on this one and that YR12 or any year at school tbh was most certainly not my best year....I can say that for sure. There are so many things you will get to do that FAR out way the year that you have had, and I know you may not believe this, but will be even better than the few weeks you have just had too.....filled with new friends, travel, finding out who Hannah is, perhaps moving out of home and spreading your wings, buying a car or even a house..if that is what you want...so many exciting and wonderful things to come....you wait and see...

That is such an awesome thing that the school got you to do and write the letter to yourself, I am actually going to mention that to one of the other girls I am chatting to here, it is such a wonderful thing and I hope you do treasure it dear, to remember a time when things were better and that things can change for you at anytime and maybe even be like that again. They were your words and you were happy.

I had to have a chuckle at you trying to type with acrylics on ....while they look amazing they sure make the basic of tasks a challenge.

Hope that you are doing something fun today and hope to hear another update about Winnie too.

Hugs

Sarah

[Idontevenknow]

Dear Croix,

I’m hoping the rest of my life will be a bit better than the last few years of school, and yes there were times I did enjoy as well but the majority not the best experience. School choir sound fun, Competing nationally would’ve been fantastic.

i’m hoping the rest of my life will be a bit better than the last few years of school, and yes there were times I did enjoy as well but the majority not the best experience.

Yes, I guess the lyrics should mention that they build strength and experience, especially because a lot of my stories aren’t ones I can tell at parties. There are a few funny stories that I can tell at parties.I like the rhyme and beat of the song quite a bit though.

I’m not sure what the best action to take is from here. I’ve been trying my best to keep myself busy by exercising, cleaning up the house, spending time with friends and family, but I still have a lot of spare time. I feel like I am going back downhill again. I kind of expected it after talking to my therapists. Tomorrow I have appointments with them both so we can come up with a few strategies and ideas as to what to do. I have 31 days till I go to Japan so I just have to figure out a way to survive them.

Thanks,

Hannah

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Sarah,

I’m glad to hear from you that school isn’t where the fun stops, I hope there are more exciting times in my life and happier moments.

The letter was a really good idea. When my cohort were all writing them at our school retreat a lot of people thought it was kind of stupid and pointless but I’m pretty sure everyone was happy with the results. At the time of writing the letter I wasn’t particularly happy but I was compassionate and sensitive towards myself which literally made me cry. I knew at that time that it wasn’t going to be a good year but I accepted that and gave myself some good advice that worked well for my own situation.

Luckily next Monday I get my acrylics off and my laptop back so my posts will probably make a bit more sense haha.

Today I went out for breakfast with my best friend. I had a really yummy wrap and chocolate milkshake. This afternoon I’ve got DBT group which I missed last week so it will probably be jampacked today. I’m also going to print some photos from the past year and make a scrapbook for them over the next few days to collate some good and not so good memories.

We were going to get Winnie Mid December but because we’re going away we are going to get her when we get back in early January. I’m very excited for her, my family might have to start buying a few bits and pieces for her soon.

Thanks,

Hannah

[Croix]

Dear Hannah~

One of the pleasures I get is listening ot songs that toehres do here on the Forum. I listened to Teenagers by my chemical romance and read the lyrics several times. I don't understand how it fits, Verse 1 reminds me a lot of army training and the rest and chorus might refer to cliques on schools making others unhappy or being threatening in some way, with maybe a partial solution.

As usual I'm probably reread more in than I should, and it was simply a song around at the time you were being with others in the subacute. (OK so I go on a lot).

Yes being in a national choir was fantastic, wiht a well known conductor it took on whole new dimension, everything became exact, not only timing but the exact way to pronounce words so they felt right to the listener (not the singer).

Also a time for bad habits on the coach going to and from, I believe there was an alcoholic beverage mixed in there somewhere as we kept on singing on the way back, just for the fun of it. particularly as the words ended up not exactly the same as they should have been.

Sarah is right, finding out who Hannah is will fill yur life, and I think from the way you approach life and hardship now you are going to end up pretty leased. There is lots of fun to be had, plus serous good thngs too.

My life did not realy have any meaning until after I left school, and then I was able to do the thngs I'd always viewed as a romance. Like traveling around Australia in a Land-Rover, listening to the chatter on the RFDS wavelength and seeing everything from emus to snakes.

As you probably are well aware it was a different world and time I started in. Not better, just different. The capacity for enjoyment and doing things that are worthwhile or pleasing is the same.

I'm curios how you wear such limiting accessories, do your acrylics have inlays? Are they all the same color, any metal-flake graduations?

Can you spend some of those 30 days preparing for Japan?

Croix

[Idontevenknow]

Hello Croix,

So I had my appointments with my case manager and DBT therapist on Friday. I also met my new psychiatrist who seems lovely. Because I previously identified to my case manager that the time after schoolies was when I had planned to possibly take action to end my life, we’ve decided that I’m going to go back to the subacute clinic for a bit. We also thought it would be good because my psychiatrist wants to increase my medication and last time I did that I had some really risky side-effects like extreme increase in suicidal ideation, being in the ward should keep me safer than being at home.

I think Teenagers is a song about teens trying to live their lives while adults trying to control the teen population. Teens are often seen as a mysterious, rebellious and scary group of people. I think this song is an anthem for teens to come together and fight against the adults trying to control us. It’s a bit confusing to follow. Pretty much “they” refers to adults. If you look at the lyric explanation on the website ‘Genius’ it explains it really well. It definitely reminds me of some good times actually at the sub acute ward.

Being in the choir sounds like an amazing memory to have from school, it sounds similar to our school camps except if you were found with alcohol, you’d be dead. Special memories like that where everyone’s coming together and having a lot of fun are my favourite.

I like singing I’m just not very good at it but I have a keyboard at home that I sometimes play and sing along to, it’s a good distraction or way to express emotion.

A road trip around Australia seems like a really exciting and new experience. I’m sure you would’ve seen a lot of crazy things. When I was younger I really wanted to travel around Australia because one of my friends did and had the time of his life.

I’m not sure how I’ll find myself if I can’t even keep myself going at this moment in time. It’s a hard thing to picture but I’m trying. I just don’t really enjoy anything any more or find pleasure in the simple things.

My acrylics have a white base coat and one finger on both hands is covered in gold glitter and a few others have a base of gold glitter that fades out if you know what I mean, a bit confusing. I got them for my formal because my dress is red and my accessories were gold. I wish I could send a picture it would be a lot easier to understand.

Thanks,

Hannah

[Aaronsis]

Hey Hannah

I am so glad to hear that your appointment went well and that you feel like you will have a connection with your new psychiatrist, that is really great to hear and feels like it is going to be a great addition to your "crew".

I am feeling relived that you are going to have some time at the subacute clinic, I am so happy to hear that you will be in a place of safety and that you will have some on call support too. It is a god send these clinics...not that I am religious but that you will be able to be safe in a place that understands and can support you.

I just wanted to say something about what you said about "I am not sure how I will find myself", the thing is that life really is a journey and I think if you ask anyone that question.."how do you plan on figuring out who you are and what you want from life?"..I am sure that mostly people would have no idea. Life really is a road of twists and turns and pot holes that you fall down into and then speed humps and all sorts of hurdles, it rarely is a smooth and perfect road. I am hoping that you are not putting so much pressure on yourself that you must know the answer to this question as I can most certainly tell you that even I dont know what the rest of my road looks like. I could never imagine that I would be here, on a BB forum, finding support and getting support from others, I could have never imagined that I would start a university course at 44....things are just forever evolving.

I think you have done so very well to graduate and to have had a successful year despite the huge hurdles that were put in your way, and you did it....imagine what other success stories you will have...but you don't need to figure that out right now, and spend time worrying that you may not know.

Ok I think I have ranted enough, your nails sound beautiful by the way.

Hugs

Sarah

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Sarah,

I sure have a good “crew” of people looking after me. My case manager calls them “Team Hannah”. One time while in hospital a few months back we had a meeting for Team Hannah and there were more than 10 people in the room excluding me! And everyone wasn’t even there, and I’ve had more additions, and a few subtractions, since then. I’m very very lucky.

I am keen to go to the subacute ward too. My parents think it will be a good change of scenery as well. To be honest, I’m a bit bummed because it ruined my plans that I had but I guess they’re trying to stop me from doing anything dangerous or lethal, and it’s working.

I guess no one knows what’s going to happen in their life. Back when I was in grade 9 I had planned that by grade 12 I’d be Dux of all my subjects, working and earning good money to support myself, have a thriving social life and becoming a full time dancer. Instead here I am in bed on a Sunday morning contemplating my life (as I do every second of the day), fighting my crippling anxiety, hoping for a final score to maybe just make it into a pathway course I want, quit dance, not working and being left alone by many of my friends. It’s pretty crappy but it is what it is. Life isn’t fair, we just have to grab all we’ve got and run with it and make the best of it.

I’m glad you’re here on the forums, it’s good to have someone to talk to as kind as you and Croix. What university course are you studying?

Talk soon,

Hannah

[Aaronsis]

Hey Hannah

Team Hannah sure sounds like an awesome "crew" to me, and even though I am not physically there with you, I think I am on that team too. I am so very glad you are accepting of the idea to go to the subacute clinic, you are right in saying it is what it is and I am sure that "your plans" just need to be taken day at a time and with care and love to get you through this time. It doesn't matter that what you had planned your life to look like in grade 9 has not eventuated, I would like to ask you to think thou of all the things you didn't plan on that have happened and have been so great. Like your resilience and your strength and actual meaningful characteristics that make for a decent human..dux..whatever....people really don't remember those things I am sure, I have never actually met anyone that said "oh hi, you are Mary, oh yes you were dux of year 12"..I would rather someone talk to my personality traits like warmth and empathy and kindness, these are truly the things I believe make a person, unfortunately they don't hand awards out for that....hmmm.....fancy that!

I feel like with all your experience in your mental health journey, with visits to hospitals, clinics, meetings with therapists, that one day you will use your story and your learnings and do something amazing with it. That you will one day see what all of this has been for and you can actually embrace it and it will become your friend...sounds weird but this mountain you have climbed and continue to climb each day will have a role in what you do as an adult. I can see how intelligent you are, and I am not talking about school and grades... and how kind and caring you are, what a combination!

How many days until you head off for Japan?

Hugs Hannah

Sarah

[Aaronsis]

..I didn't answer your question about uni..."Mental Health and Psychology".....the places our life experiences take us...who would have thought!