Chronic suicidality

[Idontevenknow]

Hi everyone,

I have had chronically suicidal for over two years. It has led to a few attempts and hospitalisations. I'm currently receiving treatment/therapy but it's a long process. Its kind of getting tough because unfortunately you can't just pause life. I'm under a lot of stress from school (zillions of grade 12 assessments), my anxiety has skyrocketed and I'm trying to continue functioning as a normal human being despite being very depressed. Does anyone have any tips on how to keep going in those times between treatment and living a relatively normal life or just with dealing with chronic suicidality in general?

Thanks heaps

[Croix]

Dear Hannah~

Having a fall-back position by going to the sub-acute is great, a wonderful thing as it not only gives you a measure of security but also people whom I get the impression you get on with. "Team Hanna" sound pretty good.

What plans did it upset by deciding to go to the sub-acute? Nothing realy important I hope.

Your nails sound awesome and I think having some of them different is very eye-caching. How long do you you get out of a st of acrylics? I bought a pencil from a leading office supplies chain which had a rubber end designed to work on touch screens, it made my thick fingers less of a liability on a phone, works well.

I agree with Sarah, you will be liked and remembered for the experienced person you are (No I'm not going to list all your vitues again - Sarah has already done a pretty good job of that:). Not coming dux in some courses years ago. is soon forgotten -even by you.

Dance, well there are different types as we discussed, and you may find something that clicks.

Yes going around Australia, at least back the when all was corrugated roads and dust, was different with many memories - trying to walk on water to get away from a swimming snake still comes to mind:)

So you are not doing what you planned. Both Sarah and I are pointing out that plans made early may simply not fit the person you actually are as you develop new strengths. Also they may not be realistic, even if nice dreams. I wanted to be an inspector - did not happen:)

There will be other things, some not expected at all. I went back to uni when I was invalided out of my job and ended up as an educator there - not something I've contemplated at all.

So in the morning in bed try to leave room for new dreams

Croix

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Sarah,

Sorry my reply is a bit late.

I’d say that both you and Croix are definitely on Team Hannah!

I’m in the subacute clinic now and I must say it’s been a roller coaster ride already. I’ve been having a few bad days and consequently harmed myself (not attempted suicide though), the clinic and my parents were not too happy with what I’d done. Now I’m trying to rebuild the trust of everyone over the next few days.

True, what I’ve been through the last few years has definitely changed me as a person. A lot of life lessons and realisations I have had are thanks to what I’ve suffered with and I definitely wouldn’t have grown to be who I am now without them.

Next year I want to take a year off before university and get my Assistant in Nursing qualification to hopefully work in hospitals caring for people like me who need supervision. Then onto health sciences and then to either paramedic, nurse or doctor.

I go to Japan in 26 days! I’m very excited about the food and seeing my family of course.

Thanks,

Hannah

[Aaronsis]

Hi Hannah

Great to hear from you but I am so very sorry that the bad days have left you feeling so bad you have hurt yourself. Can I ask you a question? What would "older Hannah" who has just become a paramedic say to "Hannah now" when she is just about to hurt herself, when she is feeling so very bad that she sees this as a method to ease that pain? Would she say "I love you, please reach out to someone to talk" would she perhaps say "your life is going to change so very much, you will not always feel like this" ..I most certainly do not want to put words into your mouth, I would really love to know, if you can imagine this scenario and see yourself in your future role. As a paramedic, as a nurse, supporting young adults in their time of need. Your life experiences to date along with your intelligence make this a wonderful career option for you Hannah, you will be able to really make a difference to young adults who are in pain.

I am proud to be on team Hannah and I would be filled with so much comfort to think that my children or grandchildren would have a person in the medical field who has lived through what you have, to be their carer, and have the words that you would use to support them through their dark times.

I am hoping that your upcoming trip to Japan in 26 days..wow..can give you something wonderful to look forward to and to keep you safe. My friend is in Kobo right know on a cruise around Japan and the food and the sites are amazing, you are going to have a wonderful time with your family.

Huge hugs to you Hannah

Stay safe

Sarah

[Idontevenknow]

Hello Croix,

Sorry I wasn’t very clear with the “plans”, by plans I meant plans to end my life. I am glad to be in the facility as it is keeping me safer than I’d be at home.

Usually acrylics last a few weeks but my nails grow insanely quickly so only lasted about 10 days. I’ve got them off now so I can actually type normally, still keen to get my laptop back though because that’s easiest to use.

I guess it’s hard to compare myself to who I thought I’d become. The past few years I’ve definitely come to understand that life truly is like a box of chocolates, you really have no idea about what you’re going to get.

I’ve been trying to think of some new goals and aspirations but at the moment the chronic suicidality is very hard to tackle.

Thanks for the insight,

Hannah

[Croix]

Dear Hannah~

"Team Hannah' is a worthwhile enterprise, you are more of a treasure that you realise.

So this time rather than chatting I'd like to ask a serious question -no need to answer unless you want of course.

There must have been times when you felt the need to self-harm, but did not actually do so.

If you reflect back on those occasions waht sort of things allowed you to keep going without doing the harm?

It's not an easy question to answer, quick answers will probably not say enough.

I'm sure you will have been asked this before.

Japan: Apart from Isle of Dogs there are some movies I like, Ghost in the Shell, both the latest movie and the older animated Manga version plus The Twilight Samurai and Snow Falling on Cedars, Our Little Sister. All pretty different genres. A fair number more too.

Hang in there, that trust will rebuild from experience and love.

Croix

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Sarah,

Older paramedic Hannah would probably say, "please stop doing that to yourself. I understand that you are doing it because you can't cope with the pain anymore but it hurts you AND the people around you." At the moment its just hard to even picture her existence. I am trying my very best to stop self-harming but the thought of suicide still feels like something I really want. I really want to help other young adults in pain, I'm starting with my friends and hopefully in the future onto greater things.

My family all reside in Tokyo so I practically would call it my second home. I know my grandparents' neighborhood very well and all the little shops and things. I really enjoy going back there.

I've been discharged from the subacute clinic now. It was good that I was able to go to the clinic because I really went downhill just before getting admitted and they were able to help me through the low point and accelerate me getting back up again.

Thanks,

Hannah

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Croix,

Previously for dealing with self harm urges I have used skills I learnt from DBT, distraction, or usually because the urges come at nighttime, going to sleep asap. The problem I encounter is that I get from 0 to 100 very quickly with self harm urges. At the moment I'm working with "Team Hannah" to try and overcome that problem because I really want to stop self harming. 

I've been discharged from the subacute clinic now. They ended up not changing my morning meds as I'm too unstable at the moment, they're going to wait a bit longer instead. They gave me an additional nighttime medication to help me sleep and it is HEAVENLY. I did not realize how crap my sleep has been until I took it. I was already on a not as strong nighttime med which helped me get to sleep but it didn't help the quality or waking up in the middle of the night or being able to sleep in. I'm also doing the clinic's outreach program until I go to Japan which means I can join them for activities or outings or even just text and drop in if I'm having a bad day. The outreach along with my weekly case manager appt and twice a week DBT should keep me going until the end of 2019!

Thanks for those movie suggestions, I'm yet to watch Isle of Dogs but I'll have a look next time I'm at the local library.

I'm very slowly starting to rebuild everyone's trust. It's hard though. While I was at the clinic they made me swap rooms to be closer to their supervision and further away from the exits as well as checking me every 30 minutes and constant supervision while out of the facility. And somehow they discharged me. I guess I was feeling a bit better and they needed the bed.

Thanks,

Hannah

[Croix]

Dear Hannah

I don't think they would have discharged you just to get a vacant bed, maybe to have built up some trust, maybe your new nighttime meds are a new starting point. Plus the more you rely on you the better, and they might have had that in mind.

Around 5 years ago I found meds that made me regard going to bed as ok, even something I could sometimes look forward to, they are not perfect but work with relaxation exercises whenever I'm not too stressed. Sleep makes so much difference in one's life.

It made a huge difference to me. I'd dreaded bedtime and between sleeplessness and nightmares would have preferred to be awake 24/7 (no it does not work:[ Instead I kept on reading so as not to have to face lying there or dreaming.

0-100 is a problem, I've no real answer, I guess I just found some sort of interruption helped at times, then again I'm slow to move, even when desperate, so I'm lucky.

Can you outreach at all from Japan if you need to? there will be a 2 hr or so time difference i guess Still if you can text or email that might be an extra backstop.

Do you mind if I ask if your coping improves over there? It sounds a wonderful place to visit. Can you keep up with the TV there? I went to school in France for a while and actually found the TV (all of one channel in those days) easier than people on the street. They spoke clearer, slower and use less slang.

Croix

[Croix]

Forgot to say -guess what my best subject was when at school in France 🙂
-C

[Aaronsis]

Hey Hannah

Welcome home and I am sure hope you are feeling somewhat better after your stay, you said it helps accelerate your feeling better so I am sending you all the support and love that you can get some longevity out of this stay until you leave to go to Japan, then get the extra boost when you get to your families home town, how wonderful.

I am glad that you gave some thought to what adult paramedic Hannah might say to the Hannah of today, I think it is important for you to let your brain hope for tomorrow and hope for a bright and successful future, as a person of support, whether it be a paramedic, a nurse, a counselor or even working at the supermarket, that you can see a future and a valuable one in which you can live a happy life, and that your pain of today can be channeled into helping another in the future.

See what I have come to realise here is that this is an open fourm...deerr Sarah, but what I am getting at is that you just never know who is reading our messages back and forth, a young girl or boy who feels the SAME as you and is going through the SAME experience, and even without knowing it you are providing them so much hope and support and you don't even know it. By talking and being a role model already, that you are here, sharing and being so very honest and vulnerable, they might already be healing too, from your words right here.

I am so excited for your trip to Japan and I hope that as Croix said, you have the ability to jump online and keep us updated on your trip and how you are going most importantly.

Then there is the beautiful Winnie to come home to....wow...there is a whole other exciting chapter to come.

Hope you have something fun planned this weekend Hannah.

Love to you

Sarah