Chronic suicidality

[Idontevenknow]

Hi everyone,

I have had chronically suicidal for over two years. It has led to a few attempts and hospitalisations. I'm currently receiving treatment/therapy but it's a long process. Its kind of getting tough because unfortunately you can't just pause life. I'm under a lot of stress from school (zillions of grade 12 assessments), my anxiety has skyrocketed and I'm trying to continue functioning as a normal human being despite being very depressed. Does anyone have any tips on how to keep going in those times between treatment and living a relatively normal life or just with dealing with chronic suicidality in general?

Thanks heaps

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Croix,

People usually forget the 'H' at the end rather than the start haha. Its all good though.

Tiktok is quite a lot more complicated than dolls. It is really fun though.

My sister and I spent some time together today as neither of us had much to do. We watched a movie and made some tiktoks together with plenty of snacks! I think we both enjoyed it.

All I've heard about the new doctor is her name and that my case manager thinks we will get on really well. I hope its true because doctors are usually the ones I get along with the least in the mental health world. Have you found it like that too?

It still hasn't properly sunk in that school work has ended, I'm just glad it has and never want to go back.

Next, other than Japan and puppies, I want to get a few things done on my to do list that need to be done some things including gettinga job, Christmas shopping, helpmum with her work and of course spending time with my friends and family. However more than any of that stuff I want to stop living. My case manager is a bit concerned about the free time that I'll have and the lack of things stopping me from acting on my thoughts. We'll see how it goes.

Talk soon,

Hannah

[Croix]

Dear Hannah~

Two questions I'll answer. The idea you want to stop living. I still get that many years after it was a danger, now it is not. I've been through it so many times before and come out the other side, and I've known I can deal with it -becuse I have in the past. They do NOT make my life miserable. You will find the same. It will be fine.

You do have bolt-holes and need to use them when things start to overwhelm.

Japanese dance has several major schools or types, it may well be if you researched some of them you will find something you would like to try yourself. Adapting it to western music is I'm told quite a challenge.

The other question is doctors. I leave my physical problems to GPs and assorted specialists when needed, my MH issues go straight to my psychiatrist. All my GP knows is what meds I'm given by the psych so there is a complete record.

Croix

Croix

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Croix,

I just believe the thoughts a lot and deep down think that one day, I don't know when, but one day I'll end my own life. Maybe next week, maybe next year, maybe in 30 years, buts its how I feel like things are going to end. I'm just living in pain knowing that.

I haven't tried Japanese dance before, my mum did when she was young in Japan and she said she enjoyed it. Actually, this year I tried Taiko drumming which has elements of dance in it and I quite enjoyed it. I could get back into it. I'll see what Japanese dance groups there are in my town, I don't think there are any. Otherwise I might just look online for a YouTube video.

The only thing my GP has done for my mental health is give me mental health plans. I was seeing a psychologist at Headspace all of last year and earlier this year who after many many hours of therapy suggested medication. She couldn't prescribe anything so I went to my GP who pretty much like many other psychiatrists I've met belittled my situation and scared my already uncertain parents into totally steering away from medication. I've always seemed to have bad experiences with GP, psychiatrists and other doctors so when I lost my psychiatrist a few weeks ago I was really scared of who was to come. Hopefully this next one is good.

Thanks,

Hannah

[Aaronsis]

Hey Hannah

It does feel like ages since we chatted and I am glad to be back, I have to say that I love the name Winnie, I am also a huge Winnie the Pooh fan too...how can you not..there is a beautiful little thing....

“Piglet?” said Pooh.
“Yes Pooh?” said Piglet.
“Do you ever have days when everything feels … Not Very Okay At All? And sometimes you don’t even know why you feel Not Very Okay At All, you just know that you do.”
Piglet nodded his head sagely. “Oh yes,” said Piglet. “I definitely have those days.”
“Really?” said Pooh in surprise. “I would never have thought that. You always seem so happy and like you have got everything in life all sorted out.”
”Ah,” said Piglet. “Well here’s the thing. There are two things that you need to know, Pooh. The first thing is that even those pigs, and bears, and people, who seem to have got everything in life all sorted out… they probably haven’t. Actually, everyone has days when they feel Not Very Okay At All. Some people are just better at hiding it than others.
“And the second thing you need to know… is that it’s okay to feel Not Very Okay At All. It can be quite normal, in fact. And all you need to do, on those days when you feel Not Very Okay At All, is come and find me, and tell me. Don’t ever feel like you have to hide the fact you’re feeling Not Very Okay At All. Always come and tell me. Because I will always be there.”

Well I will be there for you Hannah...big hugs

Sarah

[Croix]

Dear Hannah~

Lets hope your new medico is a proper psychiatrist and is sensible. I've been very lucky, not so much with psychologists though. May I suggest that you take more charge? I made the mistake of believing everything my CP and psych said, it was only years later I believed I knew enough to work in conjunction with them, not follow orders.

It's a difficult balance, but for example I could say I've been on xyx and it did the following... or the current regimen is not working at all, and so on. I don't know how much of this you do already of course.

Really speaking you need someone who can deal with these persistent thoughts which as far as I know (caution I'm not a doctor) is a partnership in thinking techniques as well as other thngs.

One danger I can see is you take them so seriously, like they are bound to be true. In my case the thoughts are reactive and different, not contemplative, so cannot say my methods would work for you.

I do know it is not pre-ordained. It could even be a metaphor for a radical change in your life.

I like Sarah's post, showing even such made-up characters suffer the same as the rest of humanity.

Hang on to the things you enjoy! I do. It's not selfish, it's survival.

Croix

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Sarah,

That’s a lovely Winnie the Pooh quote, I’ve never actually heard of it before. And it is true, everyone has not so okay days and that’s totally okay.

My favourite quote of all time is:

You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think.

It always reminds me that it’ll be okay, even when I don’t think it will be, I can do it.

I also love the quote:

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day and doing nothing often leads to the very best of something.

I think Winnie (the dog) will be a good reminder of those quotes too. I just received another photo of her sleeping and she is ADORABLE!

Always here for you too,

Hannah

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Croix,

Thats a good point that I realised hasn’t really sunk in with me. I’ll try and make sure I’m working in conjunction with them rather than following instructions. When I first meet new mental health professionals I’m often quite shy and will just follow orders which is probably why the doctors and things I’ve only met once in places like the hospital didn’t help me much. I guess I do try and work together with my therapists. I do get applauded when I say something that they can’t tell from speaking with or looking at me. For example in a similar situation to yours, when I finally realised that a certain medication was making my mood go really high then really low I told them and they took me off it immediately. They were really happy I could figure it out because they couldn’t think why I was acting differently especially because the medication is meant to have the opposite effect.

People have tried to help me with the thoughts but they’ve kind of given up. Like the first two times I was admitted to hospital, they kept me there over a week because I was continually suicidal and at a constant low. They thought it would go away or I’d feel better but it didn’t really so they gave up and sent me home/sub-acute clinic. They kept me at the sun-acute clinic too for a while for the same reasons but I got discharged anyway feeling pretty suicidal. It kind of makes me feel broken and impossible to fix. At the moment all the faith is in DBT working well but I’m not sure how well it will go.

Thanks,

Hannah

[Aaronsis]

Hey Hannah

I am so happy you like the Pooh quote, it really is so lovely and yes, a nice reminder that we can have sad days and that is ok. I really liked your quotes too, they are so very true, you really are so very much stronger than you know and absolutely much smarter than we let ourselves believe. I will share with you my all time favorite of quotes and I use it when I have to make decisions and when I feel like I am too scared to make a choice or make a commitment to something or even try....

"If you always do what you've always done, you always get what you've always got"

You have probably heard it before but I just truely love it and it helps me to push myself.

I am so excited and happy for you at the arrival home of your fur baby..Winnie is already bringing you so much joy and you have so much love for her and that is so special and I am just thrilled for you, it is such a lovely feeling to have. Bringing a puppy home is like a newborn, I am sure you will be awake the first night being up with her while she settles in, such a beautiful time and I hope you enjoy every pic and every moment.

Thank you for your support to me too Hannah, you have such a caring heart.

Big big hugs

Sarah

[Croix]

Dear Hannah~

I guess the point I'm trying to make is that if people are expecting your feelings to quickly disappear maybe they are expecting a little much. Perhaps it is a question of recognition and learning techniques to deal with them and reduce thier danger. That is how it was for me. The thoughts are (almost) old freinds now

I'll caution of course this is just me, and I'm not qualified in any way to make pronouncements on your condition.

You are not broken you know, you show spirit, care, interest and you think about things. True nobody has been able to do a quick fix, but as I said above maybe that is not how it happens.

If you were a diabetic you would adapt and treat, and your life would become tolerable, then good. You have a different illness, but there is nothing to say your life cannot improve out of sight too.

I think you will find there is a lot abut Japanese Dance on the Web. Winnie sounds great!

Croix

[Aaronsis]

Hi Hannah

I just wanted to stop in and say hi and to see how your week has been going.

I am sure that you have been getting some pictures of Winnie and are looking forward to bringing her home.

Do you have any plans for the weekend?

Hope to chat soon Hannah

Sarah:)