Chronic suicidality

[Idontevenknow]

Hi everyone,

I have had chronically suicidal for over two years. It has led to a few attempts and hospitalisations. I'm currently receiving treatment/therapy but it's a long process. Its kind of getting tough because unfortunately you can't just pause life. I'm under a lot of stress from school (zillions of grade 12 assessments), my anxiety has skyrocketed and I'm trying to continue functioning as a normal human being despite being very depressed. Does anyone have any tips on how to keep going in those times between treatment and living a relatively normal life or just with dealing with chronic suicidality in general?

Thanks heaps

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Croix,

I wasn't intending to put my name in but I automatically typed it in, when I realised I thought why not, and posted my reply 🙂 I'm fine with Croix, I just had to google the pronunciation as every time I read it I said it in my head as "krr - oi - cs" it didn't sound quite right!

I'm really glad you're benefiting from this thing as well. I'll think of you too, "If Croix can keep going, I can too". I guess talking in these forums is a bit different to talking to a therapist as you're both discussing your experiences and feelings and can feed off each-other's coping mechanisms and ideas. I forget that others read this too, I hope it helps them. I find its helpful in a similar way too, I like browsing through the 'young people' section. Sometimes I'll contribute some of my own advice as I relate to a lot of them or think back to a time where I was where they are now.

I wrote something in the 'things that are keeping you here' thread. Like you've said little things have a lot of significance sometimes. I've started writing down things I'm grateful for as often as possible and even though I don't see them as reasons to live, they're great at convincing me that my life is okay. I'll try and add some of that stuff into my Beyond Now safety plan. Hopefully it will make a difference. I think I can't really make them 'reasons to live' in my head as deep down I believe everyone would be better off without me. I give a 5 cent coin more value than my life. I have a lot of hate for myself. I've kind of stop fighting the thoughts as they've gotten too strong and debilitating, instead I just leave them alone/ignore them and try to keep going.

Kids Helpline have helped me a lot, I'd have to credit them with keeping me alive a few times in my past. Sometimes I make the decision not to call them because I really don't know how they would be able to help me. I'll think twice next time before putting the phone down to KHL.

I look forward to your next post,

Hannah

[Croix]

Dear Hannah

My name is pronounced KWAH, takes a bit of getting used to for some. I'm glad you realized but then left your name in place anyway. There is no rule against using first names, just so long as you cannot be identified. I'm hopeful you are getting comfortable here.

Hannah is a good name, reminded me of Hannah Cockroft who dealt with what life handed her in an amazing way. I'm sure there would have been times she would have felt it was all too much

"I've kind of stop fighting the thoughts as they've gotten too strong and
debilitating, instead I just leave them alone/ignore them and try to
keep going"

I think you are exactly right, there never is a logical reason, it is emotion, and even the trivial can make that tiny difference that makes one decide to keep going.

It is a tiny difference too. When I was invalided out, told I'd never work again and was suicidal with money worries, a family to look after plus all sorts of things I kept going time after time becuse of a small change in my ability to cope. I still had all those practical hassles, but was able to think kinder and realize most of the things could change - "could" being enough.

Hard to realize how far down depression/anxiety takes one, how it skews the thinking in such a convincing manner. Even now I still need my partner to lend me perspective at times when I'm thinking the worst without justification.

I would imagine the reason people do come to you with their problems is your experience and maturity - you do not hand out inappropriate comments and just say "all will be well", you understand priorities and being realistic -it comes out clearly in your writing.

I'm going to finish today with a question you do not have to answer (obviously) but if not too upsetting I'd be grateful if would try, takes time.

However before that I'd like to ask you about a mental safe place that would remind you of a bigger different world, away from normal life, away from mental hassles

Please cast you mind around to see what might do that in a pleasant way, anything from paddling a canoe up a still river to cycling along track with grass and wombats beside the beach. You get to choose, and if it does not work then change/modify it. Could be a scene from a book or movie or you -I dunno.

Now the question, why do you think you are not worth 5¢? What has life done to make you feel that way. A lot of little things? A big thing?

Pressure, hopelessness, guilt, bad scenes (literally) did it for me.

Croix

[Idontevenknow]

Dear Croix,

I find my experiences help a lot in relating and understanding other people. I try to be as empathetic/sympathetic as possible but I'm always terrified that I'm making their situation a lot worse.

I think I'm not worth a 5 cent coin because I believe I'm one the worst people to ever walk this planet. No one really agrees with me but I know deep down its true. I hate myself, I hate the way I look, act, think etc. I think I make everyone and everything worse and that everyone would be much better off without me, or with a 5 cent coin instead. I don't know why I'm like this, I've never been bullied or gone through trauma other than emotional neglect. I have a pretty much perfect life. Its probably a bunch of little things that have made me come to this realisation. Sorry its so grim but yeah, it is how it is in this situation.

Because of that, I personally don't see any kind of future or hope and no 'could be betters' in life. I'm just trudging along looking for the next opportunity to end my life.

On a lighter note, I miraculously completed my first full week back at school since February. I've started to exercise more again too, the affects aren't immediate but I'm getting there. My therapy is finally kind of getting stable and underway too. Hopefully these little good changes will keep happening. My last school holidays are also coming up soon so that'll hopefully provide a bit of rest.

Thanks,

idek

[Croix]

Dear Idek~

(Idek is good, I don't care if Hannah is your real name or one you chose, it is the you inside I'm taking with)

I asked you why you felt so worthless and you came back using words I've used myself. Evey one better off without me, a waste of space, a failure and bad influence. No abilities. Basically no hope. Fear of doing harm

The causes why one gets this way are a side issue, being there is a result, in my case, of depression and anxiety conditions. It is impossible to sort out genuine thoughts you have had yourself from those placed in your mind by depression. They are so realistically planted you 'know' they are your thoughts and must be true.

To give you just one example I was convinced my family - and work - plus friends would all be better off starting again with someone better than me. If I killed myself I would be freeing them to have better lives.

This was utter nonsense and highly dangerous as I really wanted the best for my family . When I told my partner later she was deeply horrified, I could not have been more wrong.

I have not been alone in having these exact thoughts. I have spoken to many right here in the Forum who have said exactly the same thing. It has been the same as me, depression narrowing down one's focus to a few horrible and seemingly unsolvable items, and not letting the rest of the world in.

Depression does respond to all sorts of things, from meds to therapy to lifestyle and exercise, to love. Sometimes quickly, sometimes terribly slowly, but it is an illness and needs to be seen as such (hard to do when you have it).

It can take something very small to help one cope, one time a joke did it for me, I realized I still had a sense of humor, and I'd not thought that possible.

Some things are a little better for you ATM, some victories, a week at school, exercise again, therapy not so hopeless. All good.

I guess I'm hoping you hang in there and do find just a little hope

Croix

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Croix,

It's comforting knowing others have felt the same way, makes me feel less crazy and alone. I see no hope at the moment. Even when people tell me that they love me or make the world better I feel as though they don't understand. I really can't see it through their eyes. I can't feel any sort of love from or to people.

Things got better then worse. I've kind of relapsed in my disordered eating patterns, I'm afraid I've got/have emerging traits of BPD (just another diagnosis to add to the list), my anxiety is making it really hard to function and because my school stress has somewhat subsided, I've fallen back into a deep depression.

The things getting me through right now are things I have scheduled that I can no longer cancel because its difficult to or I have already rescheduled or I would lose a lot of money (in a 17 year olds eyes). It's also an "inconvenient" time to end my life right now. And the only thought that works every now and then: Life isn't fair, there's nothing I can do about it, sure I'll let myself have a little cry or angry outburst to myself about it but not for long, I've just got to get up, wipe the dust off and keep going.

Sorry this is more of a rant then a conversation,

Hannah

[Croix]

Dear Idek/Hannah~

Conversation or rant, what does it matter? You are simply saying how life is for you, and actually in doing so you reminded me of something I had not said.

For a longtime when depression had warped my thoughts and narrowed my focus right down it cut me off from myself. I don't know if it's making any sense but I did not know if I loved anyone, or even if I was capable of love. I was isolated from myself.

In fact I could get quite angry and resentful if they said they did, or asked how I was. Mainly becuse it pointed out the difference between their thoughts and mine. Not sensible is it? They did genuinely love and - thank goodness - did not have the same sort of thoughts in their heads. It might have made them understand better, but at too big a cost.

Later on as I improved my feelings did return, they had been masked, not destroyed.

No, you are not crazy, (any more than I am/was) and no you are not alone. You have a big burden to bear and are coping - talking here is one part of that I guess.

I'm going to still go on about stress, even if school has slackened off a bit it has not helped, I think if you are like I've been it is still there. Doing something each day that takes your mind right away from the everyday, how you feel, waht is happening had been a great help to me. I use books and movies.

They transport me away to another place (I choose ones with happy endings:) So what do you think might work for you? Something that you can look forward to from breakfast time onward? Looking forward to something helps too.

BTW what sort of movies do you like?

Croix

[Idontevenknow]

Dear Croix,

Sorry its taken me so long to reply, I've been having a tough time. Last week I attempted to take my own life again. I was in hospital for about 5 days. Still pretty intense at the moment as everyone is trying to figure out how to help me. I'm home now but under high supervision and receiving a lot of care.

I sometimes feel a similar way when people try to express their love and go out of their way to do something for me. I'm used to being the carer, an independent person and the person who helps others rather than being on the receiving end and vulnerable, in need of help. I'm completely numb to the feeling of love. Sometimes I can understand that people love me, but I still firmly believe that they'd be better off if I wasn't around.

I'm finally on school holidays now so many of my stresses have subsided. I've also applied to university which is a bit of a relief. There are still a few stressors, I find any sort of distraction helps with them and other intrusive thoughts and feelings. I don't mind books and movies, my mind is easily distracted and sometimes its hard to concentrate so sometimes I prefer shorter forms of them that hold my attention more like TV shows and random articles and things. I like comedy and drama the most.

Thanks,

Hannah

[Croix]

Dear Hannah~

I've been out of circulation for a couple of days and have only just seen your last post.

OK, you had another bad time. I understand and know how it is. Do you feel like talking about it? No, I'm only asking, no obligation, and certainly do not want to bring back bad thoughts.

Mind you if it is anything like my experiences everyone asks and if you answer you have to wade though a lot of explaining. I just am letting you know you can just say what you like here and be quickly understood - no obligation.

5 days might have seemed long, was it like that for you? For me until I started reading every day had been endless. Plus other persons upset me (no never nasty to me, I just felt sad for them)

It's funny you should say your attention was easily distracted. I could not concentrate, and the only reason I got through the first few adolescent books was because they were packed with puns and plays on words, so each paragraph had an interest all it's own. (I like word games). As time went on practice brought a bit more concentration back, maybe it will with you too.

If you don't mind my asking waht sort of comedy and drama do you like?

Glad school is over, one thing out the way, and enrolling in uni will open up a whole new way of doing things. In a lot of ways that is good as you set your pace and decide when to do what.

The same person who is a carer for others is still inside you, and if it is on the back seat at the moment with others doing the caring, that's ok, it will turn about again.

Love? I guess I've views on my experiences but will talk of that another time

Hope to hear from you soon

Croix

[Idontevenknow]

Hello Croix,

This most recent attempt has been one of the most intense/scary ever. I don't want to go into details in case someone reading this gets triggered. It was terrifying because I completely lost control and what I'd done seemed much more extreme than what I'd done previously. Now I just feel even more crap because I haven't been successful once again, and I've put the people around me through so much stuff which is very unfair for them. The only thing that I feel has come from it is a whole load of embarrassment, meeting new doctors and other mental health professionals, a big relapse and some interesting new medication.

Five days didn't seem too long, but I wouldn't of liked it to be much longer. Being in ED for two nights was boring and painful. When I was moved to the adolescent ward it wasn't as bad. Its still pretty boring as I just had to sit around all day, there were a few kids things to do but nothing that great. The other people on the ward were all there for physical health/medical reasons. I had a nurse special to keep me safe and as company too I guess.

I'm slowly trying to get back into books and TV/movies but even short things are hard to keep my attention on at the moment. I like all sorts of comedy, stand up comedy, comedy movies, reality TV comedy etc. I don't like things that are too scary so the dramas I like are often rom-coms or crime movies.

Don't worry, me and my therapists and doctors have many discussions/debates on the topics of caring for others, self-worth and love. Its difficult working on my mindset but hopefully things will fall into place.

Thanks,

Hannah

[Croix]

Dear Hannah~

I'm sort of torn between talking sense, and just talking with you. I would think you get an awful lot of people talking sense, and after a while there is temptation to just let their words slide by. After all your situation keeps on having these low points up till now anyway.

I guess I'll have to try to do both, so skip the sense if you think it is more of the same. I too thought not killing myself was failure, but in fact I should have listened to my body which fought to live. I did not actually kill myself (duh) and I think my body knew to do so was to fail, not succeed - to miss out on life when things did get better -and that people that know and love and be glad of my presence either now or later would have missed out too.

Is that enough sense for now?

No, actually I forgot, I finally got on an interesting new med that has done a lot of good, without umpteen side effects. Been on it around 5 years and still working very well (all things considered). So don't give up on new meds, you might luck out like me.

So what was your nurse special like? I've never had one of those, just been one of the people on a particular nurse's list to look after. Did not make for much conversation time, left on my own a lot -which is why the reading became sort of necessary. Nothing like boredom, fear and toxic thoughts to motivate a person to find a distraction.

It probably is not your style but the books I stared with were called the Xanth Series and were full of puns like a shoe-tree was a real tree with shoes fruiting on it, you picked a pair that fit. Things like that. They kept my interest even when I had difficulties with the plot and who was who. Now I've moved on and recently read a series starting with Eragon, but it does take concentration. I'm good wiht that now.

ED for two nights sounds a right pain, they don't really seem set up to give a person a restful bed, too much rushing around outside. Last time I was there, which was last year, they let me keep my phone, so I could listen to e-books or look at YouTube. Sadly no charger in the place, so that ran out after a while, a pity.

Still forgot to talk about love and the window between -sigh. Well next time maybe

Believe it or not you are too much to lose

Croix