Blue's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day (life viewed through the lens of depression)

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Some of you are aware of my existence by now, but for those who aren't, I'm fairly new to this forum. I've been stumbling my way along with depression for somewhere around seven years. It was triggered by a life event and exacerbated by circumstances since then, which I've done my best to eliminate where possible. About a year ago I changed track with that and made the huge decision to end the relationship I was in. Rough though that was, I finally started to see a bit of progress. I've still had a fight on my hands, to stay afloat and get control of my time and money and my peace of mind, all of which were tied up for a long time in untangling my finances from those of my ex (not his fault, the bank made it really damn hard, and my job and my own state of mind weren't helping).

Now I've started enjoying things again, and am not always instantly down when I'm on my own. I was once a (deliberately) solitary creature who enjoyed my own company and learning everything I could, so it's good to be more like that again. The depression's always there, lurking in the background, but I sometimes go a few weeks at a time without any prolonged episodes. Long enough to start feeling like I'm healing or that my emotions have some concept of cause and effect again. Then down I slam again, sometimes for a day or two, other times for weeks, and it feels like I've made no progress at all. In these periods my mind and my emotions are constantly at war, particularly when I'm alone and/or it's quiet. My mind is calm for the most part, and well aware I'm strong and capable and have strategies and I actively work on those in spite of the depression. My emotions, on the other hand, are running about with flags chock full of negative messages and even though I know it's not (or even close) I feel like everything is collapsing, that I can't deal with it and I just want everything to stop. That's where I'm at, today.

I do have an amazing partner now, who is extremely supportive, and has helped me immensely. My current problem is that I need my friends and family, too. I so rarely have time that isn't ruined by unsociable work hours and also the energy and will to socialise, but my friends are seldom available when I do. In those times I know it may be weeks or months before I can see them again, and I miss them, and that's mostly when I crash again these days. Dunno how to fix that yet, but I need to vent, and here I am. Getting better but having a really crap day.

[Guest_5218]

Thats good Blue, and very sensible. I hope you have a nice day tomorrow with your other half.

My hubby leaves for Perth this Thursday. My brother and his family arrive Tuesday or Wednesday next week, and will spend a couple of nights here.

Thanks, I'm doing okay. (-:

Sherie xx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

I'm glad you'll be seeing them soon, Sherie. I imagine it will be good for your brother to spend time with you, too. 🙂

Today has been positive, overall, even though I managed to break a tooth somehow and couldn't book in any sooner than Thursday with the dentist (fortunately it isn't hurting). That aside, I've had time with my other half, pancakes, and... the cops actually turned up in time to tell off my neighbour and make him be quiet this time. Sounds like he even had a tantrum at the cop. For a guy close to my age, he sure knows how to carry on like a five-year-old. Oh, but the peace and quiet after... that was nice.

I'm feeling decently confident about halving the dose of my meds. I managed okay with the phone calls (cops and dentist), didn't stress out about the noise or the tooth or the cost of the dentist. And I'm not having the side effects I was getting from a full tablet. Things are slowly evening out. With luck I'll be on top of my circumstances before too long and not needing meds at all. Fingers crossed, eh?

Blue.

[Lost_Girl]

Hey Blue,

Broke a tooth! What's in the pancakes??? 😉 haha oops! Glad it isn't hurting.

I'm really glad that the meds are giving you the support you need and at the lower dose, bonus!

I will cross my fingers for you. There have been a few wins for you lately and that makes me happy. Slow and steady.

Cheers,

Carol

[Guest_5218]

Hi Blue. A number of positives for you today. Of course the broken tooth is a negative, but at least it sounds as though the nerve is not affected, since its not hurting. Good thing CMF is not listening in here! Oops, if you are looking in CMF - I hope you are okay. We havent heard from you in some time. Blue, I hope your appointment on Thursday fixes the problem and that it isnt too expensive. (-:

It does sound as though things are working out with just the half dose meds, and hopefully soon you will be able to turf that too. That being your aim of course. A few things are finally starting to go your way Blue. Its nice that you got to spend some time with your partner.

Yes definitely - my fingers are crossed for you also.

Hugs to you.

Sherie xx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Well, that tooth is even more broken than before. The cost is likely to be extremely high. I could try and stay positive, but I know the routine. Annual massive financial disaster, here we come.

[Airies]

In our next life I should come back as a dentist. Their charges for their services are a tad extreme.,I'm surprised I haven't broken any teeth yet as I'm clenching and grinding them on a nightly basis. A bad habit I've developed of late. Awake tired with achy teeth , jaws and tension headaches. Hope they don't charge an arm and leg

[Lost_Girl]

Blue, I really feel for you right now. The last thing you need is a big expense. Just horrid. Do you have health cover to help at all?

Igbran, I had what you have. They called it tmj. There are physiotherapists that specialise in it and can help relieve the pain and tension. In extreme cases where it continues long term you can see a dentist about getting a mouth guard to wear at night.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Nope, health cover costs that thing that I don't have. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. Whatever the tooth costs, I'm stuck with it, and I know it won't be small. It's funny, I was just starting to make some piffling bit of headway after the sheer financial mess of sorting out the house. When I say headway, I don't mean things like being able to service my car, or anything like that. I mean get sushi now and then. You know, the occasional $10 to be slightly less miserable for a while. Hardy har. Tax return? Probably won't see much if any of that.

Sorry, I know you guys are trying to be supportive. I appreciate it. I just hate being right about yet another year of being slammed into the dirt with my finances. I am so damn sick of it. For every little win, I always seem to get the stuffing kicked out of me straight after.

[Lost_Girl]

It's crap Blue. You vent as much as you want. Hugs

[Guest_5218]

Aww Blue, I'm sorry to hear all that. I do know what its like to be up against the unexpected financial hits. As you may remember I recently cracked one of my back teeth and had to have a crown put on it to protect it. Too much teeth grinding at night so I'm told. But thankfully I did have some help from private health insurance which is a luxury I have maintained since when I used to earn a decent income on a full time wage years back. So my health fund paid half of it, but it was still a pretty hefty payment remaining. Then there was the major work needing to be done on our car a couple of weeks ago. That really hurt, especially given it is only a less than 5yo car. Again we were lucky that Ford decided that they would cough up 50% of the cost. Pretty much a concession that it was a manufacturer fault. But it still meant an unbudgeted payment of $1500.22. So our credit card has taken a pretty big hit over the past month or so. Sigh. It hurts, and just seems to add to the misery of everything else thats been happening. No doubt its very much the same for you.

You have my sympathy and understanding, at the very least, Blue. As you say, just when you'd been getting a couple of little wins under your belt, you get hit with this. Very disappointing. I'm really sorry that life is such a struggle financially for you. I dont have any solutions for you I'm afraid. Just keep doing the best you can, keep your head above water by treading water, and eventually you will come through it. Chin up .......

An understanding hug to you, and very kind wishes,

Sherie xx