Blue's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day (life viewed through the lens of depression)

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Some of you are aware of my existence by now, but for those who aren't, I'm fairly new to this forum. I've been stumbling my way along with depression for somewhere around seven years. It was triggered by a life event and exacerbated by circumstances since then, which I've done my best to eliminate where possible. About a year ago I changed track with that and made the huge decision to end the relationship I was in. Rough though that was, I finally started to see a bit of progress. I've still had a fight on my hands, to stay afloat and get control of my time and money and my peace of mind, all of which were tied up for a long time in untangling my finances from those of my ex (not his fault, the bank made it really damn hard, and my job and my own state of mind weren't helping).

Now I've started enjoying things again, and am not always instantly down when I'm on my own. I was once a (deliberately) solitary creature who enjoyed my own company and learning everything I could, so it's good to be more like that again. The depression's always there, lurking in the background, but I sometimes go a few weeks at a time without any prolonged episodes. Long enough to start feeling like I'm healing or that my emotions have some concept of cause and effect again. Then down I slam again, sometimes for a day or two, other times for weeks, and it feels like I've made no progress at all. In these periods my mind and my emotions are constantly at war, particularly when I'm alone and/or it's quiet. My mind is calm for the most part, and well aware I'm strong and capable and have strategies and I actively work on those in spite of the depression. My emotions, on the other hand, are running about with flags chock full of negative messages and even though I know it's not (or even close) I feel like everything is collapsing, that I can't deal with it and I just want everything to stop. That's where I'm at, today.

I do have an amazing partner now, who is extremely supportive, and has helped me immensely. My current problem is that I need my friends and family, too. I so rarely have time that isn't ruined by unsociable work hours and also the energy and will to socialise, but my friends are seldom available when I do. In those times I know it may be weeks or months before I can see them again, and I miss them, and that's mostly when I crash again these days. Dunno how to fix that yet, but I need to vent, and here I am. Getting better but having a really crap day.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Blue,

I hope the baits have been successful and the ants may have gone. It does sound like there are many triggers for you based on previous experiences. I know my aunty and uncle came home from a holiday once to find their entire kitchen invaded by ants which was pretty confronting. Hopefully with a change of season their behaviour will change as well and they won't be around anymore.

I am learning a huge amount from my loss. He was the closest person to my heart and we first profoundly connected many years ago but were separated by circumstances. I literally felt the moment he passed on even though he is in another country. His spirit has been with me. It's beyond words to really explain. I have had the most painful grief yet the most healing insights and experiences as well, all in a matter of a few days. It's been like an out of body experience. So I am very tender with pain but also love.

Take care and I really help things have restored to some kind of balance and normality for you, hubby and Mr Feisty.

Hugs,

ER

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey ER,

So far we've only seen one ant since Saturday. Still giving it a bit longer to be as sure as I can be, then I'll slowly work my way through the various sealing jobs I need to do. I have grout, silicone and No More Gaps to tackle the different areas that need sealing up, which is honestly a really daunting job, especially since I haven't done used any of those things before (I'm a bit handy, but gaps haven't been a huge priority previously). Yes, a lot of triggers at the moment, all of them really big ones. Just in time for this, my primary self-care app has stopped working properly too, and has itself become really triggering. I'm not having a good time.

Coming home to an ant invasion would indeed be confronting. It's a literal, physical, immediate threat, even without any triggers. Weather is still hot here and will be for the foreseeable future, so ants will remain problematic for a while. Just got to deal with them as they come up, I guess. I've had trouble with them on and off since last year, even through Winter, though a different kind. The last lot were new, and way worse.

I'm sorry you lost such a close person, and doubly so because you were separated from him. I can imagine how hard that is for you right now. I have some understanding of that duality of pain and healing you describe, there were a lot of feelings on both sides when Sir Pecks died. The purity of our love for him really shone through in our grief, and that was in its way a comfort. Are you experiencing something like that?

Thanks. Not quite there yet, but doing our best to take care of ourselves. Here for you when you need.

Hugs,

Blue.

[Eagle Ray]

Hey Blue,

I'm really glad you've only seen the one ant since Saturday and I hope it's stayed that way. In relation to the sealing, I have found YouTube to be a useful resource for how to do various tasks. Sometimes you have to wade through some less helpful videos to find the helpful ones, but I usually find something that shows me what to do eventually. I have a sealing job to do as well that I've been putting off. There's a gap in some external brick work that I was unaware of where water got in and caused electrical problems leading to a $900 electrician bill. I have the sealant and just have to get up on a ladder to do it, but have temporarily put it off by taping plastic over the area. Sometimes I find I just can't deal with some tasks, but I know I need to get on and deal with that one.

I hope things have started to settle for you and you can find some resources that are grounding and calming. It is very hard experiencing overwhelm. Sending you calm and supportive energy. I find things are always in flux so even in overwhelm I try to remind myself I have come out of it before and I can again, that all things ebb and flow including challenging circumstances. So I really hope you are in a stage now where things are beginning to feel calmer and more manageable.

Yes, what you describe about the grief experience is the same - the purity of love is shining through as a great comfort despite the pain. Without doubt this is what enables us to cope with losing the ones we love the most and have the most powerful connection with. The connection is what holds us in our grief. It is indeed a duality that seems like a paradox but it is actually all part of the same process. My heart just remains open each day to wherever my emotions need to go and whatever happens. Again, paradoxically, it is letting myself grieve that allows the healing and comfort in.

Take care Blue and warm hugs to you. I hope things are going better for you, hubby and Mr Feisty.

ER

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey ER,

Thankfully no more ants since Saturday. Yeah, I have been known to use YouTube to figure out tasks I'm not so familiar with, though in this instance the instructions on the various sealants should probably be enough. I have a caulking gun, and various accoutrements for mixing grout, it's just a matter of doing it. Too worn out now, I'll need some recovery time before I tackle that. Oh dear, your own sealing job sounds very relatable. Personally I find I have a real "wall of awful" with tasks I don't know how to do - not knowing the steps, or how long it's going to take to learn them, especially if the task isn't interesting, really blows up the magnitude of the task in my mind and makes me quite resistant to doing it. I think this is common with ADHD in particular, linked with the lack of dopamine to initiate tasks, and time blindness around them.

Things have been bumpy still, to be honest. We've had a succession of plans cancelled by others that have left us with just appointments and no positive outings, and a huge sense of isolation. I'm kinda too exhausted to be that bothered by it, but it's been really despiriting for hubby, and his sadness is the distressing part for me. It all feels neverending at the moment. Knowing logically that these sorts of times do end doesn't really put a dent in how rubbish it feels while we're in the middle of it. Doing our best to stay grounded and find something to enjoy in each day. It's a bit of a slog at the moment. Thanks for the calm & supportive energy, it means a lot. I imagine you don't have tonnes of energy to spare right now.

I guess the duality does seem kind of paradoxical, but the purity of the love allows us to be thankful for the relationship, the connection, the memories and the legacy of the one we have lost and not only experiencing the hurt. I'm glad you are open to feeling how you feel and letting yourself grieve. Processing the pain does indeed allow more room for healing. I don't see that part as paradoxical, that release prevents the pain from being stored as trauma, which in turn shuts us down and locks us away from the things that can help us heal. There's a certain logic to it.

Hugs to you. We're doing as well as we can be under the circumstances. I hope you have close people for support when you need, and resources for taking good care of yourself when you are alone.

Blue.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Well, I spoke too soon. March has begun with very few days below 30 degrees and few are yet in sight. Currently it's over 35. The kitchen is filling up with ants once again. Some days I feel so defeated, doesn't seem to matter what I do, I'm fighting a flood with a thimble.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Blue,

I understand very well the issue with not having enough dopamine to initiate tasks and also the time blindness. That resonates exactly with me. It's not that I don't want to do something, my mind and body just won't respond and I experience overwhelm and even dissociation. I know when my dopamine levels are really low because I become inert, like I am stuck in glue and can't move. I've actually just started a supplement that is meant to help with hormone levels in perimenopause/menopause, but I read in the leaflet it can help with dopamine as well. I'm interested to see if my ability to enact tasks will get easier.

Anyway, I have so much empathy and I'm so sorry the ants are coming back. I am thinking it may help to break things down into manageable chunks in terms of managing the situation. So just knowing you are doing your best and having a boundary around this is what I will do today, or this is what I will do in the next hour or half hour. I know that's easier said than done. But sometimes the only way I can deal with things is to break them down into small components and then I can see I have achieved something. I'm not sure if more baits would help.

One thing that I just thought of is clove oil. When I had some mice when I first moved in here, I read that they really don't like cloves. I soaked some cotton wool in clove oil and left it at strategic locations where I thought the mice would be getting in. It really seemed to work as a deterrent. I just looked clove oil up in relation to ants and it says that clove oil can repel and kill ants. One thing you can do is add some drops of clove oil to water in a sprayer and spray where there are ants and where they might be coming in. Apparently they really dislike the smell of it and it can act as a natural insecticide, disrupting their nervous system. Anyway, just a thought.

Yes, the duality is all part of the same process. By paradoxical I meant that for me the feeling was the person who I'm feeling grief for is the same person comforting me with his presence. It's an experience that is kind of beyond words. I am really doing ok with it, even though at times it feels unbearably painful. It's like his compassionate energy just comes in and picks me up again and I'm ok. We had so much to learn from one another and it's like all this learning is unfolding in me now, brought on by the magnitude of loss. It's really profound.

Take care and I really hope you can find some solutions and things start to become much easier soon.

Hugs,

ER

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey ER,

I suspected you might be able to relate. It really does make it hard to get going, doesn't it? My primary way to get stuff done is reflecting on the consequences of not doing The Thing, which works okay if said consequences loom close enough - the cortisol and adrenaline mobilise me when there's no dopamine (which is, frankly, most of the time). Not a healthy way of doing it, but The Thing does get done more often than not. Interesting about the supplement. I guess you can't give more detail on here, though having menopause to deal with myself, I'm quite curious about it. I sincerely hope it helps your dopamine levels and ability to initiate tasks.

Thank you, I greatly appreciate your empathy. This ant business is doing my head in. Fortunately - at least when I know what I have to do - I am pretty good with making boundaries and sticking to them, which is working okay this time (first time around I had to find the solution that worked first, as it's hard to define boundaries when there is immediate danger and no clear course of action). The baits are working the same as they did with the last wave, seems like a new colony moved in. 

Didn't have any clove oil to hand, I used some natural deterrents like peppermint oil and vinegar (not together), which I have used to good effect in previous incursions. Diatomaceous earth too, which is supposed to damage the exoskeleton and dehydrate them (it's worked on little brown ants before, if only when directly over their point of ingress). With each of these, this lot were at best mildly deterred, but were far too intent on their mission to pay heed for long and the onslaught continued. I even had to try a couple of different baits before anything got their attention. The one that worked was liquid, and when they were at their most numerous I was having to top up the bait every couple of hours, which tied me to the house and in close contact with them very regularly, not exactly helpful for my triggers. It has been the same this time around. A few days on, I am down to topping up bait a few times a day (it still dries out after a while, even they haven't consumed it). Their numbers have greatly decreased, not quite done yet. Tomorrow the temperature is spiking again, so who knows if there will be another wave. Guess I'll find out. Sadly I had to cancel much needed social plans through all this, because of the intense process that has trapped me here.

Ah, I see what you mean about the paradox. I certainly found that with Sir Pecks, too. Funny thing, through this nightmare we're going through now, birds of Sir Pecks' species have been playing and singing in our back yard, and splashing in the bird bath. Seldom do we see so much activity from them, but pretty much always during times of great stress. Makes me wonder if Sir Pecks is guiding them here to comfort us, which they certainly are. I can really feel him close at the moment. Anyway, it's hard to articulate my thoughts, but I really do understand what you mean about the process you are experiencing at the moment with your loss. That learning certainly comes to the fore along with the grief, my little bird left me with many beautiful lessons, too. It certainly is profound. I'm glad you had the sort of connection with him that augments and comforts you in your grief.

We are holding up, prioritising connection within our little family, with each other and our little birds. Getting stronger, slowly. Kind thoughts and hugs to you,

Blue.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Blue,

I'm not sure if I can give the name of the supplement or not. I've got into trouble with the moderators before when I mentioned a very broad class of medications (not specific ones) that I thought would be ok as it was so generalised but it wasn't ok, though in this case it's not a prescription med but a supplement that is a plant extract. So I will just say the plant it comes from is Vitex Agnus-castus (Chasteberry) and hopefully that's ok, as it is not the brand name or final product. I've had two people tell me they got definite benefit from it for hormonal issues. After a few days I'm not sure if it's helping yet. It's hard to tell as I've been on an emotional rollercoaster in the past 3 weeks for other reasons so I'm not sure I can accurately gauge its effects. I had a migraine yesterday that continued into today but has eased now. Theoretically it's meant to help with migraine symptoms that are hormonally driven, but one thing I know about my body is it doesn't always respond in predictable ways and sometimes something has the opposite effect to what might be expected.

I'm so glad the baits are working with the current wave of ants. That's amazing how much and how fast the ants were consuming the bait. It's really unfortunate it has been such a major thing and you've had to cancel social engagements. I really hope there was no additional incursion because of the hotter weather. I'm sure autumn and winter weather can't roll on fast enough for you. I would say schedule in some really meaningful things to do as a reward after it is all over.

I understand about the adrenaline and cortisol kicking in as the eventual motivator. I think this is so common in ADHD. I've heard many with ADHD describe how completing a task is often done right before a deadline, as that last minute pressure is necessary to drive them into action. I get that effect too and in my case there is also a very strong drive that if my own actions or inaction have consequences in relation to others I am also driven to do something, as I have a very strong sense of responsibility in relation to others. I think I am very slowly starting to balance myself out where I'm getting a little better at not putting myself under pressure and starting from a place of self-care which then permeates other aspects of my existence. So I'm a bit calmer and therefore a bit more spacious within myself and therefore a little more organised/coherent, if that makes sense? But it's a very gradual learning process. I think the ADHD patterns for me are in part derived from very early learned trauma patterns and I am slowly unlearning these patterns, but I see familial/ancestral links as well, though I think these are also tied up with trauma patterns in those past generations. So it feels like a complex interplay of environment and epigenetics.

Wow, yes, I relate to feeling support from the natural world including bird visitations. They have been very significant in my life at times of stress. It is so beautiful that you can feel the presence of Sir Pecks. They do leave us with beautiful lessons and are such a gift for our lives. It's very special.

I'm glad you are holding up and being sustained by the connection of your little family. Sending you supportive hugs at this challenging time. Much peace to you,

ER

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey ER,

No problem. I guess they have a duty of care and worry about people trying to get hold of new medications they hear of out of sheer desparation when they are struggling. I'd have thought mentioning a class would be broad enough, too, but I guess they are erring very much on the side of caution. Thanks for the info, it tells me enough. Sorry to hear you've had a migraine so soon after starting it, hopefully not related to the supplement. Were there other possible causes for it, in this instance? I imagine stress could contribute to migraines. That said, I am no stranger to having oddball side effects from medications, that's just one of the fun things about being autistic, it happens to a lot of us. I imagine you're monitoring for things that are out of the ordinary (and can't be explained by said emotional rollercoaster). Could take a little while for things to settle down, and to tease out what the supplement is doing vs life circumstances.

Thanks, me too! Yeah, it's rather alarming to watch, honestly, and having to top them up sends the ants running everywhere, which is frankly awful. There is a very visceral reaction that comes with being in that situation. Yeah, it's been a disaster, very much affecting the running of the household for about a month - access to the kitchen, whether I can go out or not, how much time it takes to manage anything around food, and huge impacts on my executive functioning. Thankfully no new wave at this stage, but I'll be monitoring for at least a couple of weeks from the last sighted ant. They'll surely be acting funny as the Autumn weather rolls in, and when rain eventually appears. 80% chance of it forecast for today, which they have today amended to "Ha, fooled you". Nothing further forecast, and frankly I wouldn't believe it if there were, too many rain lies. It's been super dry this year even by SA Summer/Autumn standards, you wouldn't fill a thimble with what we've had so far. You're right about scheduling in a reward, though it's hard to plan when we don't know when this mess will be over. I guess pick the thing and be flexible with the date it happens.

Oh yes, it's very common. I was the classic ADHD uni student that did every assignment the night before it was due, often pulling all-nighters at the uni to do it. Good thing I have the academic variety of talent, and was able to pull good grades out of it. I relate to the responsibilty to others, too - basically a drive to treat them how I want to be treated, which involves keeping my word or at least giving them fair notice if I am unable to. I too am getting better at approaching tasks with more self compassion and space, though admittedly that's coming in fits and starts, as it can go out the window when I get dysregulated (which I certainly have been with present life circumstances). I think I get what you're saying about being calmer and more organised, etc. I definitely relate to patterns coming from trauma and familial behaviours, it's the ol' nature & nurture mix. Trauma solidly reinforced my go-to cortisol/adrenaline route to getting things done, and tendency to bully myself into getting moving. I am getting better with not doing that, and with positive reinforcement instead. Looking for ways to support myself in the things I struggle with (for instance lists of all the tasks & sub-tasks involved in my morning and evening routines, so I don't have to remember the many little steps). When there's any room for it, I try to do something fun before doing the things I have to do, because the NT "job first then fun" model leaves me with no dopamine and dragging myself through tasks, growing more and more depleted and too exhausted for fun afer. "Fun first then job" gives me dopamine and energy, then I get so much more work done and still feel okay after. Big difference. Sadly not always (or even often) possible with the big list of tasks and small window of time to do them, and it really takes a toll.

Nature has a way of supporting the nervous system and mental health, even without the connection I have with Sir Pecks. With it, that support is extraordinary. If we're open to it, we can learn from any person or animal, and those lessons are so enriching. They linger with us long after their passing and become part of us, which is very comforting. I'm thankful we both have that experience with loved ones who are no longer physically present.

Thanks. May you also have the support of close people and the natural world. Hugs and peace to you,

Blue.

[Jan]

It seems like a lot is going really well so congratulations.  I can feel like you isolated.  Even if Iam with people.  If you can’t see family and friends in person maybe schedule in text, emails or video calls on a regular basis.  After a while people realise that you’re keen to connect and you can get into some routine contact.