Blue's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day (life viewed through the lens of depression)

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Some of you are aware of my existence by now, but for those who aren't, I'm fairly new to this forum. I've been stumbling my way along with depression for somewhere around seven years. It was triggered by a life event and exacerbated by circumstances since then, which I've done my best to eliminate where possible. About a year ago I changed track with that and made the huge decision to end the relationship I was in. Rough though that was, I finally started to see a bit of progress. I've still had a fight on my hands, to stay afloat and get control of my time and money and my peace of mind, all of which were tied up for a long time in untangling my finances from those of my ex (not his fault, the bank made it really damn hard, and my job and my own state of mind weren't helping).

Now I've started enjoying things again, and am not always instantly down when I'm on my own. I was once a (deliberately) solitary creature who enjoyed my own company and learning everything I could, so it's good to be more like that again. The depression's always there, lurking in the background, but I sometimes go a few weeks at a time without any prolonged episodes. Long enough to start feeling like I'm healing or that my emotions have some concept of cause and effect again. Then down I slam again, sometimes for a day or two, other times for weeks, and it feels like I've made no progress at all. In these periods my mind and my emotions are constantly at war, particularly when I'm alone and/or it's quiet. My mind is calm for the most part, and well aware I'm strong and capable and have strategies and I actively work on those in spite of the depression. My emotions, on the other hand, are running about with flags chock full of negative messages and even though I know it's not (or even close) I feel like everything is collapsing, that I can't deal with it and I just want everything to stop. That's where I'm at, today.

I do have an amazing partner now, who is extremely supportive, and has helped me immensely. My current problem is that I need my friends and family, too. I so rarely have time that isn't ruined by unsociable work hours and also the energy and will to socialise, but my friends are seldom available when I do. In those times I know it may be weeks or months before I can see them again, and I miss them, and that's mostly when I crash again these days. Dunno how to fix that yet, but I need to vent, and here I am. Getting better but having a really crap day.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Blue and Jan,

I just wanted to let you know I’ll reply properly in a few days. I’m travelling to the city tomorrow and trying to organise myself. So I will wait until I have more bandwidth.

Take care, warm hugs and speak soon,

ER

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hi Jan,

I'd say things are pretty mixed, but thanks. Yeah, I know what it's like to feel isolated even among other people - it's something that has improved as I have begun to heal, if it helps to know that. Valid points. I do actually text and e-mail with my few close people fairly regularly; the isolation I'm feeling at the moment is that as a full-time carer it's hard to see people in person, and circumstances have resulted in those rare social occasions being cancelled. After a while text isn't enough, and I need to see someone in front of me to feel like they're even real. That's kinda where I am at the moment. It'll pass, but it really isn't fun right now.

Nice to meet you,

Blue.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey ER,

No problem. Hope the trip goes well and you can spend some time with safe people. Totally get the need to give yourself some space to recover some bandwidth, I'm a bit the same at the moment.

Hugs,

Blue.

[blondguy]

Hey Blues Clues

I am happy that you are happy...I think

Always great to see you

my kindest

Paul

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey Paul,

It's a long time since we spoke, good to see you too, and I hope you're doing okay. Your post made me think, that simple question of "Am I happy?" can be a big one. I certainly have my problems - many of them, and some are pretty big - but I'm doing the best I can with what's within my control, and am making steady progress in some really important ways. So I guess I am happy.

Kind thoughts,

Blue.

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Blue, Paul and Jan,

I hope it’s been a good day for you all today. Happiness can be a transient thing at times can’t it. For the last few hours I’ve had the resurfacing of very painful grief, yet I had a beautiful morning with my friend and her little girl. So life is an odd mix of things sometimes. I try to always remind myself things are in flux and will feel better again.

Blue, I think that particular migraine was linked to emotional stress and overthinking but probably had a hormonal aspect too. It never got to the totally incapacitating stage as they sometimes do. I’m not very coherent at the moment so not sure I can say much that’s useful. But I can say I’m petsitting looking after a lovely fluffy cat and I’m very grateful for her company. I’m hoping I’m not making her too sad with how I’m feeling as I’m sure she picks up on it. She has napped with me today and sleeps in the bed with me at night, sometimes almost on my head 😂

I do hope the ants are under

control Blue. I hope you are all having a peaceful evening.

Take care and supportive hugs,

ER

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey ER,

Yesterday was... interesting. I tripped on hubby's oxygen cord the night before (inevitable sooner or later) and sprained my ankle, so I've been bumbling about slowly. Spirits are okay, body a bit sore. Hope things have been going okay for you.

Happiness can be transient, yes. I think too that happiness can coexist with periods of struggle, when we are able to hold onto self care and appreciate the things that are going right in our lives. I imagine you've had some very mixed feelings with the time with your friend and her daughter, whilst your grief is so near the surface. I guess connection can make all the more poignant the feeling of loss, at times. Yes, things are always in flux, or cyclical. Whatever we are feeling now will change over time.

That makes sense, about your migraine. I'm glad it didn't get as bad as they do sometimes, maybe the supplement helped with that? Glad to hear you have the company of a lovely fluffy cat. She probably is picking up on your sadness, but animals don't tend to live in that space, I think she will be okay.

No sign of ants for a few days, here's hoping they stay gone this time.

Peace and comforting hugs to you,

Blue.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Blue,

Thank you so much for your kind words. I’m really sorry to hear about the sprained ankle. I hope you’ve had a chance to do the elevation and ice thing and it hasn’t swollen too much.

Yes, it can feel strange the co-existence of happiness with struggle but probably isn’t really strange at all but a kind of natural phenomenon as things try to balance. Even today I’ve fluctuated greatly, at times feeling awful and other times finding some peace. Right now I feel I’m starting to integrate after a tumultuous month. I think where there is some dynamic movement it’s a good sign that the system is trying to do something to find balance.

I’m so glad the ants seem to be gone. I hope it’s stayed that way.

Take good care and comforting hugs and peace to you all too,

ER

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey ER,

You're welcome. Thanks. I'm not too worried about the ankle. It's inconvenient, but I can see the funny side of how it happened. Not too swollen or anything, just a bit stiff and sore, I've had it bandaged up and have been taking things slowly. Less housework, more video game time. Tragedy, haha.

It can feel especially strange as trauma survivors who are used to feeling awful all the time. That there can be any duality in these times is a sign of healing. I think you're right about it being a natural phenomenon, the system trying to balance. That fluctuation can be really confusing and difficult, especially for an autistic person (speaking for myself, but perhaps you know what I mean). I've experienced a bit of it myself, in recent times, albeit for somewhat different reasons. May things grow more calm and balanced for us both.

Thankfully still no ants, though I'll be giving it a while longer before I place any confidence in them not returning.

I hope your trip has been positive overall. Hugs and peace to you,

Blue.

[Eagle Ray]

Hey Blue,

I’m really glad the ankle is not too bad. And, yes, more fun time with video games 🙌😄

The duality can truly be a weird thing can’t it. I continue to shift throughout the day. Before dinner I was feeling really low again and for a while after too, but then I started to pick up again. I finished my petsitting where I had a lovely time with fluffy cat and catching up with my friend and her daughter and her husband some of the time too. I feel included in their family world which is lovely. Then I was back home just a few days and I’m now back in the city where I get work done on my car tomorrow. I’m also checking out a suburb I’m wondering about moving to. I really have no idea where home is for me at the moment.

With the duality being difficult from an autistic perspective, I think I may know what you mean. It can be kind of disorienting. For me I have to learn how to make an adjustment from one state to another. I’m fluctuating more rapidly than usual between states. Overall I think it’s all moving in the right direction. I think my system is aiming for peace and finding it much more easily than it is used to, but I still find myself falling back into despair, distress or dissociation at times.

I’m thinking for you Blue that you have found this great new stability in your family with hubby and Mr Feisty and you are probably increasingly in that higher level of balance and more frequent good feelings, but of course there are still the challenges that come up too? Would you say that is how it is? I think I’m definitely looking for some sense of family. The loss of my beautiful friend has actually weirdly given me a sense of comfort amidst the grief as his presence is so felt, and it has helped me feel less alone which probably sounds strange. But it’s left me with a sense of meaning and what really matters in life.

I’m very glad the ants seem to be staying away. Take care and all the very best to you and your family.

Hugs,

ER