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Blue's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day (life viewed through the lens of depression)

Clues_Of_Blue
Community Member

Some of you are aware of my existence by now, but for those who aren't, I'm fairly new to this forum. I've been stumbling my way along with depression for somewhere around seven years. It was triggered by a life event and exacerbated by circumstances since then, which I've done my best to eliminate where possible. About a year ago I changed track with that and made the huge decision to end the relationship I was in. Rough though that was, I finally started to see a bit of progress. I've still had a fight on my hands, to stay afloat and get control of my time and money and my peace of mind, all of which were tied up for a long time in untangling my finances from those of my ex (not his fault, the bank made it really damn hard, and my job and my own state of mind weren't helping).

Now I've started enjoying things again, and am not always instantly down when I'm on my own. I was once a (deliberately) solitary creature who enjoyed my own company and learning everything I could, so it's good to be more like that again. The depression's always there, lurking in the background, but I sometimes go a few weeks at a time without any prolonged episodes. Long enough to start feeling like I'm healing or that my emotions have some concept of cause and effect again. Then down I slam again, sometimes for a day or two, other times for weeks, and it feels like I've made no progress at all. In these periods my mind and my emotions are constantly at war, particularly when I'm alone and/or it's quiet. My mind is calm for the most part, and well aware I'm strong and capable and have strategies and I actively work on those in spite of the depression. My emotions, on the other hand, are running about with flags chock full of negative messages and even though I know it's not (or even close) I feel like everything is collapsing, that I can't deal with it and I just want everything to stop. That's where I'm at, today.

I do have an amazing partner now, who is extremely supportive, and has helped me immensely. My current problem is that I need my friends and family, too. I so rarely have time that isn't ruined by unsociable work hours and also the energy and will to socialise, but my friends are seldom available when I do. In those times I know it may be weeks or months before I can see them again, and I miss them, and that's mostly when I crash again these days. Dunno how to fix that yet, but I need to vent, and here I am. Getting better but having a really crap day.

1,964 Replies 1,964

Blue, never any pressure to respond. Low or no energy at the moment is understandable.

I’m sorry your LM is in so much pain, but you are right, this is a short period, till healing takes over.

Rest all you can, you need all the strength you can find. Leaving a strong coffee.

Croix, I smiled at you enjoying your garden, sitting inside, by the log fire. 👍👍👍

Hey Croix,

I started replying yesterday, but the wonders of technology lost my message and I didn't have the energy to start again from scratch.

Definitely better days, each one brings an improvement. I knew to expect some disorientation, he's actually doing a lot better on that front than he could be. It is the pain that worries me. Again, that is slowly diminishing and he is a little more himself every day.

You're right, of course. My lovely man spent a lot of time leading up to this telling me the same thing, insisting I take care of myself, and saying if I can't do it for me, do it for him. I hear that voice whenever I'm flagging a bit on that point.

Haha, good way to do it. Enjoy the snow from a warm and comfy vantage point. Hope you and the menagerie are doing okay.

Blue.

I know, Wilma. On the flip side, I like to keep you updated, I know you care what's happening, and that is a good thing.

His pain was considerably better, today and his spirits are improving. Even a smile or two. He looked beautiful.

I think rest time is mostly over. He's calling and messaging when he needs me, asking for my home cooking (I'm allowed to bring him food). He's on the mend, Wilma. I'm really glad he feels able to reach out any time and ask for things.

Definitely need coffee, methinks busy times ahead. 🙂

Blue, I’ll bet that smile looked beautiful. So good to hear your LM is making such good progress.

Texting, and asking for home cooking, is definitely sounding like he’s on the mend . At least, or I’m hoping, this means you will be eating well also. You will be very busy with all things needing to be taken care of Blue, you being one of them. I hope you aren’t beyond exhaustion. Sometimes we push beyond our limits. It’s a tricky balance. I know you are sensible. Just caring, that’s all.

I won’t be long winded, just letting you know I care. Strong coffee this morning. 💙💙

Very much so, Wilma. Sadly, progress has gone backward a tad. Nothing especially abnormal for a transplant patient, they tell us, but he's had a couple of pretty rough days.

Had to hit pause on that for now, he rather lost his appetite. As for me, mostly eating okay. A bit lazy with it today, admittedly. Didn't quite have the energy for both shopping and cooking, after I went walkies to a nearby park. As you say, tricky balance. Trying. Struggling.

I appreciate you, Wilma. Hope you and furry friend are okay. I saw some baby swans today, you would have loved them.

Blue, walkies sounds like a really good, and necessary activity at the moment. Swans would have been a welcome retreat, all be it brief, from the mountains you are facing right now.

I’m sorry your LM had a setback. Always disappointing, and I imagine, scary. Sending positive vibes Blue, buckets of best wishes. If only that was all that is needed, unfortunately, it’s not.

So it’s a very strong coffee this morning Blue

My loyal companion is the best Blue. I have a soft and cosy little bed winging its way at the moment. I’m trying to gain my portion of the single bed I share with her. Tricky. 🐶🐶

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Wilma (with a wave to Blue)~

This has nothing to do with anything, however I've just realized that the back of my mind has been telling me all this time about your picture.

It reminds me of the people on the forum, their interaction, and how more comes out of that interaction than goes in -lovely.

Please pardon me for just jumping in with a random thought.

Your furry freind has to be introduced to the concept of boundaries so there is room for you too:)

No snow here now, Sumo Cat beside me but 'busy' as usual.

Blue -I'm glad you saw the baby swans

Croix

Jasjit
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi everyone!!

Hope all well and keeping safe from COVID-19.

I wanted to share some thoughts on this topic thread.

Viewing life through the lenses of depression is miserable, there is no doubt in that. But what truly matters is the next step. If there is friction or a problem within oneself, who can fix it? That is the beauty of it!!! Only we can fix it, we don't need to rely on the external source!! Because all these problems are born and then die from within. So we have control over it. The next step should be our focus!!!

How to do it practically? Well having a healthy lifestyle of whole foods plant-based diet with exercise combined with meditation and yoga will truly help our internal biology and psychology be at ease. If anyone wants more clarification - I am more than happy to help!!

Hi Wilma (with a wave to Croix),

Walking is definitely helpful, burns off some frustrated energy, and time in nature helps bring me out of my head a little. Swans were definitely welcome.

Yes, definitely scary having a setback like that. He was in a lot of pain. Fortunately they have a handle on the cause and are addressing it. His condition is improving again. Your kind thoughts are always appreciated.

Strong coffee definitely needed!

I wonder if your loyal companion will like her warm and cosy bed, or still insist on sleeping on her warm and cosy mum. 😉 Good luck.

Croix - I'm glad I saw them, too. Some joy to be found in this tough situation. Very much missing my puffballs.

Hi Jasjit,

Welcome to the forum, and to my thread. Hope you are keeping safe from the dreaded bug, too.

I'm afraid you've misapprehended the nature of this thread a little - though not entirely. I started it some years ago when going through a rough patch, and it has been a place for me to find support in my specific personal journey. I added "Life viewed through the lens of depression" to the title when it became clear the rough patch was more a permanent state of being, external pressures have remained severe no matter how much work I've done on changing my circumstances and my perspective - always a new one waiting to step in when the last one is gone. There's no controlling what hand we're dealt sometimes, only what we do with it.

Except for the yoga, I actually do all the stuff you've mentioned - sound advice, certainly. Unfortunately those things don't fix everything - they don't create financial security in a poor job market, they don't cure chronic exhaustion and they sure don't heal my partner from major surgery. The lens of depression tends to be cast on the things we can't change and don't know how to live with, hence space must also be created for discussion and support, borrowing a lens from someone else for a while, perhaps - aka this thread. No man is an island, and all that.

I don't mean to diminish your intentions - they are wholly valid - only to clarify the nature of my thread as it would take a good six months to read through it from the start if you tried to unravel it that way. Nice to meet you.

Blue.