Blue's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day (life viewed through the lens of depression)

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Some of you are aware of my existence by now, but for those who aren't, I'm fairly new to this forum. I've been stumbling my way along with depression for somewhere around seven years. It was triggered by a life event and exacerbated by circumstances since then, which I've done my best to eliminate where possible. About a year ago I changed track with that and made the huge decision to end the relationship I was in. Rough though that was, I finally started to see a bit of progress. I've still had a fight on my hands, to stay afloat and get control of my time and money and my peace of mind, all of which were tied up for a long time in untangling my finances from those of my ex (not his fault, the bank made it really damn hard, and my job and my own state of mind weren't helping).

Now I've started enjoying things again, and am not always instantly down when I'm on my own. I was once a (deliberately) solitary creature who enjoyed my own company and learning everything I could, so it's good to be more like that again. The depression's always there, lurking in the background, but I sometimes go a few weeks at a time without any prolonged episodes. Long enough to start feeling like I'm healing or that my emotions have some concept of cause and effect again. Then down I slam again, sometimes for a day or two, other times for weeks, and it feels like I've made no progress at all. In these periods my mind and my emotions are constantly at war, particularly when I'm alone and/or it's quiet. My mind is calm for the most part, and well aware I'm strong and capable and have strategies and I actively work on those in spite of the depression. My emotions, on the other hand, are running about with flags chock full of negative messages and even though I know it's not (or even close) I feel like everything is collapsing, that I can't deal with it and I just want everything to stop. That's where I'm at, today.

I do have an amazing partner now, who is extremely supportive, and has helped me immensely. My current problem is that I need my friends and family, too. I so rarely have time that isn't ruined by unsociable work hours and also the energy and will to socialise, but my friends are seldom available when I do. In those times I know it may be weeks or months before I can see them again, and I miss them, and that's mostly when I crash again these days. Dunno how to fix that yet, but I need to vent, and here I am. Getting better but having a really crap day.

[Jasjit]

My sincere apologies Blue.

I was just trying to help. But I am always here to have a chat and to support you.

Talk to you soon.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

No apologies necessary, Jasjit, your good intentions were apparent.

To give you a brief breakdown of my journey, I came out of a bad relationship with clinical depression some years ago. Ongoing financial struggle, a job I hate but can't seem to get away from (especially with covid destroying what was left of a poor job market), and a destructively bad neighbour forcing me to move and worsen the financial situation compounded that severely. Now, in the midst of the covid madness, my partner has just had a heart and lung transplant and will be on immune suppressants for the rest of his life to stop the organs rejecting, thus making him as vulnerable as a person could possibly be to any virus that happens by. The latter is foremost on my mind, we are interstate now and he is in the early stages of recovery.

Feel free to share a little about yourself and what brought you to the forums, if you are comfortable to. I'm a firm believer that support is a two way street.

[Croix]

Dear Blue~

I guess I'm going to have to keep the flippers crossed for him - and you.

Did you find a puff-ball sitter?

Croix

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Thanks Croix, that sounds like a good plan. Partly because I appreciate your well wishes, and partly because I am entertained by the image of you crossing your flippers. 🙂

Certainly did. My brother has been taking care of them. Daily visits to change their food and water. He's changed their cages and let them out to fly a bit too. He sends photos every day. Grateful for his help.

Blue.

[Wilma1]

Blue, I can only imagine how much you are missing those puff balls, and them missing you. It will be quite a reunion, when it all finally comes together. I have no idea of the time that will take, but I will cross my fingers , and leave the flippers to Croix.

As my furbaby is tucked under my arm as I write this, I think the new bed might well be a fantasy. I wouldn’t have it any other way though, but a little more room sometimes, would be nice.

I’m pleased they know the cause of the setback. He is in good hands. A long road ahead of both of you Blue. Would you consider applying for a Carers pension, if that’s a possibility ?

Definately a strong one for you this morning Blue. ☕️☕️ I hope you can manage some more time in nature.

Croix. 👋🏻👋🏻👋🏻

[Clues_Of_Blue]

It's always hard being away from them, and I've never been away anywhere near this long. I expect at least two or three more weeks until I'm home. Definitely going to be a reunion to remember. Haha, yes, Croix is the master of crossing flippers, just fingers for the rest of us.

At least you know she wants to be close to you. I love having the puffballs in bed with me, it must be the same for you with your wee companion.

Yes, it was a lot of fluid on one side of his lungs, which they have drained. Looks like the other side is doing the same so they'll have to drain that, too. He is in much less pain though, and is now getting up for little walks (trailing various cords for meds along with him). His appetite is back in full force and he is requesting lots of food. I have a carer's allowance, which is the lesser form of financial help. Doubt I could get the carer's payment which is the bigger one and for people much more dependent than we expect my partner to be by the time he comes home. Any help is good though.

Coffee welcome as always. There has been more nature time. I came across some rainbow lorikeets today, so tame they actually nibbled gently on my finger when I came close. Quite the privilege.

Kind thoughts to you, Wilma. Hope the physio is going better and you have some options for pain management.

[Wilma1]

Blue, two or three more weeks is still a long way off. Do you go back to work when you get home, or are you on extended leave ? I’m thinking, they don’t always know how recovery will go. Part Carers payment is a help, and yes, every bit helps.

Sorry the other side of partner is full of fluid now. That must be uncomfortable. Pain easing is a good sign, as is the appetite returning. That means extra work for you, but good eating too.

Oh, the rainbow lorikeets, and so close. Lucky you. They are so beautiful. I do spend a lot of time bird watching, either through my windows, or outside, depending on weather. I plan on getting a bird bath for my front garden. I have a small dish in the back. Always entertaining.

I have different exercises for physio. He said the pain I was experiencing wasn’t what he wanted to achieve. That was a relief. So, another lot to try and see if they help or not.

The main problem I worry about with my furbaby in bed, is that I might accidentally hurt her. She tucks herself next to me, as close as she can get. We start off both heads on one pillow, then, before long, she’s under the doona. I love that little face lying there. 🐶🐶

Lots of rain down this way, and more forecast. It’s warmer, so winter is moving out. It will be good to see some new growth, some colour. I’m looking forward to the blackbirds singing first thing each morning. Always a good start.

Sending more strong coffee Blue. ☕️☕️☕️ Not sure if you need a hotty, but I’ll drop one off for comfort sake. Take care. 💙💙

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Yeah, it's a while. A lot can change in that time. I'll have to quarantine when I get home, then it's back to work. I'll resume the discussion about reducing my hours when that time comes, the very day we got the call I'd asked to drop another day a fortnight. As for recovery, every day is a learning experience. We'll take it as it comes.

Yeah, it's uncomfortable for him. They've taken him into surgery today to get the fluid out, seems it's a more complex process than it was for the other side. He had to fast overnight for the procedure. Much grumbling about being hungry. He may be too drowsy to care about food for a while after.

The lorikeets were really special. So gentle, nibbling on my finger. I'll have to keep some bird seed on me in case I see them again. Bird bath is good. They are lovely to watch having a splash.

Glad you have some different exercises to try. How are the new ones going so far?

Yeah, I worry about my puffballs, too. They're pretty good at zooming out of the way if I roll over, though. Fortunately even asleep I'm pretty aware of where they are. I can imagine your loyal companion looking at you from under the doona. For me it's little feet standing on my face. It tickles, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Sounds like the signs of Spring. It's pleasant here, not much rain and averaging around 20°. Nice change from home, forecasts are still cold and miserable there. Singing blackbirds sound good, I'm a fan of blackbirds.

Cheers for coffee. Hot water bottle is still welcome, the nights are pretty chilly still. Sending a hot chocolate, because there isn't really a bad time for chocolate.

[Wilma1]

Blue, signs of spring didn’t last long. Our max yesterday was 9, with wind chill, so it felt more like 0. On top of that, my heater wouldn’t turn on. I did all the obvious things a number of times, but it was dead as a door nail. Counsellor was here at 10 and rang Housing. They were here about 5 hrs later, which I was very impressed with. I expected to be waiting till Monday. As it turned out, my neighbor, who is doing some renovations, accidentally turned my switch off. I had checked everything but the main switch, as that’s something I only do when moving out. So good to have some heat now.

I hope your LM is doing better now the fluid has been removed. Is that something that could happen again? Hopefully not, but I guess, no one really knows after surgery of this complexity. I hope his appetite is back, which means cooking for you.

I did smile reading about your puffballs being in bed with you. When I had my cockatiel, he would sleep on my pillow. His one leg tucked under his wing, balanced on his other. He was such a little man. During the day, he was on my shoulder. Lovely memories. They are a privilege to have, that’s for sure. Your babies will be missing you too.

Isolation when you get home. It’s one thing after the other. Hopefully, the one less day at work is helpful.

Snow in NSW today. Strange weather this year. I hope you have had some time in nature, maybe more visits from the lorikeets.

I will be spreading mulch on my garden sometime today. Looking forward to theses little plants filling up that space, giving my backyard a bit of character and colour, plus, more birds.

Leaving a hot chocolate today Blue. My Dr told me, a strong milo, contains half our daily iron needs. Sounds like a good enough excuse to me.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

There's been a cool change here, too, though not that cold. 16° today and that's cold enough for me. What an ill timed day to not have your heater. Did you have a hot water bottle to get you through? Glad the problem is resolved.

He still has a tube attached, draining more fluid, though that's due to come out soon. It shouldn't recur once it's properly drained, but like everything, they are keeping a close eye on it. It's such a complex surgery he has had. No problems with his appetite, he's made plenty of requests. I brought him a vegetarian honey "chicken" today which is one of his favourite things I make. 🙂

You've mentioned your cockatiel, he sounds lovely. Sounds like Sir Pecks, on your shoulder all day. I do enjoy how they tuck one little foot up when they sleep. Definitely a privilege. I hope my prolonged absence isn't too distressing for them, it's hard being away this long.

Not worried about isolating. I mean, two weeks at home, not working? Brilliant! And one less day when I return, maybe a bit more manageable.

Certainly interesting weather. I did see the lorikeets yesterday. I got some bird seed for next time I visit them. Cute little guys.

I like the sound of your garden work, Wilma. Rewarding toil. Look forward to hearing how it takes shape.

Sounds good. More Milo coming your way, with a hottie and a blanket. I imagine you still have some thawing out to do!