Blue's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day (life viewed through the lens of depression)
Some of you are aware of my existence by now, but for those who aren't, I'm fairly new to this forum. I've been stumbling my way along with depression for somewhere around seven years. It was triggered by a life event and exacerbated by circumstances since then, which I've done my best to eliminate where possible. About a year ago I changed track with that and made the huge decision to end the relationship I was in. Rough though that was, I finally started to see a bit of progress. I've still had a fight on my hands, to stay afloat and get control of my time and money and my peace of mind, all of which were tied up for a long time in untangling my finances from those of my ex (not his fault, the bank made it really damn hard, and my job and my own state of mind weren't helping).
Now I've started enjoying things again, and am not always instantly down when I'm on my own. I was once a (deliberately) solitary creature who enjoyed my own company and learning everything I could, so it's good to be more like that again. The depression's always there, lurking in the background, but I sometimes go a few weeks at a time without any prolonged episodes. Long enough to start feeling like I'm healing or that my emotions have some concept of cause and effect again. Then down I slam again, sometimes for a day or two, other times for weeks, and it feels like I've made no progress at all. In these periods my mind and my emotions are constantly at war, particularly when I'm alone and/or it's quiet. My mind is calm for the most part, and well aware I'm strong and capable and have strategies and I actively work on those in spite of the depression. My emotions, on the other hand, are running about with flags chock full of negative messages and even though I know it's not (or even close) I feel like everything is collapsing, that I can't deal with it and I just want everything to stop. That's where I'm at, today.
I do have an amazing partner now, who is extremely supportive, and has helped me immensely. My current problem is that I need my friends and family, too. I so rarely have time that isn't ruined by unsociable work hours and also the energy and will to socialise, but my friends are seldom available when I do. In those times I know it may be weeks or months before I can see them again, and I miss them, and that's mostly when I crash again these days. Dunno how to fix that yet, but I need to vent, and here I am. Getting better but having a really crap day.
The magpie larks don't come too close in to my house. Sounds like they're having a great time at yours, though. Didn't get an awful lot of sleep last night, but my shift went okay, and lunch with my sister after was great. Later shift tomorrow, so hopefully I can catch up a bit on sleep. Hope you're doing okay today.
Evening Blue. Those little magpie larks are pesky little fellows, always throwing themselves at our windows in their eagerness to see themselves I think. (-:
So pleased to hear that you enjoyed some time with your sister this afternoon. Are you close in age? I used to be really close to my sister who is 15 months older than me. But we grew apart after I started to become more independent, and she could no longer get her way all the time. She is quite a domineering personality, and everything has to be her way, or no way. So I would not say that we are exactly close any more, which is really quite sad. I wish we were. Although she also lives 7 hours drive away, so we are not close in distance now either.
She is feuding with my brother who is going through a really tough time right now, and she wont even talk to him. And she rarely checks in on my elderly parents who she lives near. Seems so unfair just when both my parents and my brother and his remaining family really could use a bit of TLC and understanding. My younger brother was involved in a bad car accident last year (10 months ago tomorrow) in which his 11yo daugher (my only neice) was killed and he suffered a broken neck. Still recovering, and not in a good place still. So I am not impressed with my sister at the moment. Family squabbles can be very distressing at times.
So you are lucky that you get along well with your sister. Are your parents still around Blue? I dont recall you mentioning them.
I'm okay Blue, thankyou. Its been a tough day, but I am getting through. I hope you get a better nights sleep tonight.
I find the magpie larks pretty entertaining. They'll harass the magpies, even though they're twice as big. Noisy miners are like that, too. Little, but they sure are feisty. 🙂
I think I read a bit about your siblings on your thread at one stage. It sucks that your family is splintered like that. Forgive my bluntness, but it sounds like your sister is a bit of a brat. I'm sorry your brother is suffering so much. I hope you get to talk to him regularly.
I am lucky with my siblings. They are both older than me, my sister by just shy of six years, brother by three. I have always been close with my brother. Sis was a different story. Aside from being a bit older, she's quite different in personality to my brother and I, and (unbeknowst to us as children) bipolar. Added to that our parents divorced when we were young and the three of us were split up, she being further isolated from us. She left home with a young fellow she became involved with not too long after my brother and I were able to join her with Mum, and we didn't see a lot of each other for years. Eventually I was all grown up and working and driving and all that, and able to see her more often, and we slowly got closer again. In recent years we've been seeing each other frequently, lately having a weekly lunch date to watch Game of Thrones together. A roundabout path, but we got there in the end.
My father lives a long way away on the farm I grew up on. We talk a bit and write to each other periodically. I'm the only one of his kids that really talks to him much (I elaborated a bit on my parents in my thread Growing up cold in Relationship and family issues), and I understand their reasons. To be honest, I couldn't describe him as a nice man, I've just learned to accept there will never really be any depth to the relationship. Mum, on the other hand, I am close to though she drives me nuts. Also she's a lot closer to visit, physically. Most of us are in the same city.
I did see a bit about your day either in your thread or the Café. Sounds pretty full-on, though it's good they're fast-tracking your husband's treatment. I have only been browsing the other threads and not replying much of today because I'm running on a couple of hours' sleep and literally starting to nod off at my computer. Think I'll head to bed and address the other threads tomorrow. Thanks for checking in on me. Zzzzzz. (*faceplants on keyboard*)
Hi Blue, its a couple of days since I last spoke to you. Sorry about that, been pretty busy.
So how are you feeling today, or should I say tonight as its almost 12.30am? I hope you have been getting enough sleep again lately and that your ex has not been texting any more.
Like you, I have always been close to my brother (he is 4 yrs younger than me), and we are still close. And it must be nice to have become close to your sister again, after being somewhat distant for a time. I am pretty close to both my Mum and Dad, and they are still together and still living independently in their own little cottage in a country town. Not sure for how much longer though, as they both have fairly major health issues.
I guess you have been back to full swing of work. I hope it has been treating you okay. I will catch up with you again sometime soon. Sorry I have been neglecting you a bit the past few days, I have had a fair bit on my plate. Hopefully things will settle down a bit after tomorrow. I have been thinking of you though. (-:
Hi Sherie, don't worry, I know you've had a lot to deal with lately. No, I haven't heard any more from the ex. He kind of pops up for a day or two and disappears again. Hopefully this is the last time, if not, I'll have to block his number. I can't have texts popping up from an ex whenever. If he wants to know about the birds, e-mail is sufficient.
I'm glad you have good relationships with your brother and your parents, though it sucks they're all struggling with their health. You can talk about what's up with your sister if you want to (and not if you don't). I am very happy to be close to my sister again. We're very different in some ways, but love a good chat about philosophical things, and we share a few nerdy interests and a love of animals. Her cat is cute as.
I've been working a bit, and getting a reasonable amount of sleep. My manager is doing what he can to get me on afternoon shifts where possible. Been getting in some good, quality time with my man, too, which has made me very happy. And I'd have to say you're doing a great job of keeping up with everybody considering how much you have to deal with at the moment. I'm pretty impressed. Look after yourself, and give Holly a pat for me. 🙂
Hey Bluguru, thanks for being there on the other thread about bi-polar. She has revived her small dog twice (to keep the 16 year old jack russell x alive and is thanking everyone on FB for their praise and sympathy where keeping her dog alive for her.
I am a long term dog rescue guy who never keeps any dog alive for my own self gratification. I find this deeply disturbing and weird. FB is full of prompts for recognition and compliments from 'friends'. She has also deleted/edited any posts on FB to 'gently' remind her that it may be time for 'doggie heaven' as they care for the dogs well being and pain levels.
She has no anxiety and travel into Melbourne without a problem. She can also walk 3 kilometers down the beach and back again to her car without an anxious thought ( I cant) She is physically fit and there is no reason for her to be on sickness benefits that we are aware of.
The only mega clue I give is how happy she was when she was taken off 'Newstart' and put on the sickness pension. She was elated that she never had to report for work anymore. Just like you or me winning tattslotto.
She said that he understood my old severe anxiety attacks as she has the 'same thing' with bad illusions and colors that really upset her (not anxiety as per my experience) Its driving the fragmented bits of this family nuts.
I should post a new thread which I can but it would zeroed back to me...but I still might do it.....Paulx
Hey, Paul. Sounds to me a lot less like bipolar and more like what I've read of psychopathy. That said, sociopathy is similar and I'm not certain of the difference. More research to be done. Defining features of both are a lack of empathy and remorse, and a strong tendency toward manipulative and sometimes reckless behaviours. The possible Centrelink fraud and definitely what you said elsewhere about not bringing your dad meals when she said she was doing so are good examples of empathy and remorse being absent. Most sociopaths and psychopaths don't exhibit the sort of extreme stuff attributed to them in movies.
My experience with and understanding of bipolar don't come close to fitting what you've said thus far, to be honest. There isn't good impulse control in someone with bipolar during a manic phase, and they also experience significant lows as we depressive types do. Conversely, your sister's behaviour sounds like it's calculated and ongoing, self-serving but not necessarily out of her control.
If you want to get to the bottom of it, maybe make a log of the behaviours from her that disturb you. A thread, online research, maybe probe any professional people you see re mental health.
It's been another rubbish day for me. Some frustration to start it, but that was kind of amusing to begin with. I sometimes let the elder of my birds stay out of his cage overnight, because he mostly just snuggles up and sleeps. Last night he managed to unlock my phone (which unlocks much more easily than it should) and put it on flight mode, so my four alarms were silenced. So, I could either lose an hour's pay or stay back an hour. Being dirt poor, and my manager having things he wanted me to do, I stayed back. What I didn't know was my other half had made plans tonight that didn't allow for me showing up an hour late for the little window of time we had planned together.
My manager is leaving for another job very soon. He's uncommonly good, and has been doing all he can to shuffle me onto afternoon shifts where possible, which probably won't happen with the next one. Meanwhile, I hear the temporary replacement (because there's no way the company would actually have an idea who to give us after a month or so of knowing they have to do something about it) is going to be someone I've worked with before and do not like. Also the neighbour situation remains unchanged in spite of my efforts. End result, both my work and my home are environments that suck.
With those stresses in mind, and having worked a very long shift (over half of which was in a department I hate), seeing my other half after work was the little island of something that doesn't suck that I really needed today. I got all of ten minutes with him, taking him home on my break. Better than nothing at all, but that just really took the wind out of my sails, today. Though I slept last night (a little too long, with some help from my little bird) I still feel so exhausted and utterly, utterly crap.