Blue's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day (life viewed through the lens of depression)

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Some of you are aware of my existence by now, but for those who aren't, I'm fairly new to this forum. I've been stumbling my way along with depression for somewhere around seven years. It was triggered by a life event and exacerbated by circumstances since then, which I've done my best to eliminate where possible. About a year ago I changed track with that and made the huge decision to end the relationship I was in. Rough though that was, I finally started to see a bit of progress. I've still had a fight on my hands, to stay afloat and get control of my time and money and my peace of mind, all of which were tied up for a long time in untangling my finances from those of my ex (not his fault, the bank made it really damn hard, and my job and my own state of mind weren't helping).

Now I've started enjoying things again, and am not always instantly down when I'm on my own. I was once a (deliberately) solitary creature who enjoyed my own company and learning everything I could, so it's good to be more like that again. The depression's always there, lurking in the background, but I sometimes go a few weeks at a time without any prolonged episodes. Long enough to start feeling like I'm healing or that my emotions have some concept of cause and effect again. Then down I slam again, sometimes for a day or two, other times for weeks, and it feels like I've made no progress at all. In these periods my mind and my emotions are constantly at war, particularly when I'm alone and/or it's quiet. My mind is calm for the most part, and well aware I'm strong and capable and have strategies and I actively work on those in spite of the depression. My emotions, on the other hand, are running about with flags chock full of negative messages and even though I know it's not (or even close) I feel like everything is collapsing, that I can't deal with it and I just want everything to stop. That's where I'm at, today.

I do have an amazing partner now, who is extremely supportive, and has helped me immensely. My current problem is that I need my friends and family, too. I so rarely have time that isn't ruined by unsociable work hours and also the energy and will to socialise, but my friends are seldom available when I do. In those times I know it may be weeks or months before I can see them again, and I miss them, and that's mostly when I crash again these days. Dunno how to fix that yet, but I need to vent, and here I am. Getting better but having a really crap day.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Yeah, I swear I don't know anyone with the appalling sort of luck I have. I'm so drained, and poor and hungry and tired. It sucks. I try not to stew, but it's tough when I know what I need and can't even catch enough of a break to rest and recoup before I go after it. It's been a constant battle with more on my plate than I can deal with for so, so long. I still often wonder if there's any point being alive if there's just going to be some other disaster the minute I fix this one. That pattern has remained unbroken for such a long time. But I have my responsibilities, and I continue on. If I can nerd out for a second and quote the Jem'Hadar (for the uninitiated, this is a Star Trek reference): "victory is life".

I don't believe you did mention the new job (maybe on another thread?). When you say "decimation", do you mean the job isn't good, or are you referring to your depression rolling in in spite of the change? A new job is good. Though getting up early to exercise... also good if you're up to it, but are you? Sounds like you're struggling with all the things you're doing, and need to find some balance. Even good things you can have too many of. Perhaps prioritise and don't beat yourself up if you sleep in sometimes or put off study for a bit and do a last minute assignment sometimes. Not that I'm endorsing neglecting those things exactly, but getting enough sleep is paramount, in my opinion, then eating, then exercise. You're going to know in yourself when you're taking on too much, and what you need to ease up on to find that balance. I just hope you don't burn yourself out.

I am definitely trying actively to counter my crappy circumstances. I'm feeling a bit better because my other half has had an idea or two. I've been catching up on sleep at his place when possible, which is helping a lot, and I've had a couple of surprise shift changes recently, to afternoons. Some of it's temporary and there's still so much more to be done, but it's a start. I have no intention of wallowing in this.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Or something's gone funny with this thread. Have been able to post in others, but now two posts for this one have not come up. Sigh.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Ah, one finally worked. I can't remember what I put in the big long one that disappeared. Might turn up tomorrow, edited. Otherwise, I'll have another crack at it then. So tired now, and have to work tomorrow. Time to try and relax for a bit and watch something mindless before bed. Night Joelle. Hope you're getting some rest, and finding some peace.

On a side note, don't think I mentioned it, but I like your photo. That wry smile captures my sense of your personality nicely.

[lookingforme]

It'll probably turn up tomorrow...I had the same problem.

Goodnight BC. Thank you for the compliment, I appreciate it.

[lookingforme]

I can understand the luck problem. But, I try to think that it isn't personal. Everything either arbitrarily goes well or goes badly and the important thing is how we treat both situations. No matter how persistent either one can be. Although, it sounds like you could use a good day. I understand also questioning why we must persist with living. We derive our own solutions, and you have decided. Hah, I wish everyone would nerd out more on here.

The job is okay, it's manageable, but...I didn't go into it feeling strong mentally, so mental decimation really. I was already putting everything on the back burner so, this added time consumption makes it more urgent. There is urgency when it comes to studies because I have an exam in less than a month and am about a month behind on my studies...Being in full swing depression already makes me feel like I've taken on too much, you know? But, I persist...because if I didn't have these things, that keep me on a path that leads out of here...well I might not be able to derive a "reason" if you know what I mean. Exercise and eating, these are the things my psychiatrist tells me I have to work on, that my meds will help with this (thought it'll take a month), and a routine incorporating all will be my key to counteract the depression. I just need to will myself to do it...and there's the problem...

Based on this, I think the lack of structure in your life may also be contributing to how you feel. I am truly glad that you are feeling better, that you are persisting. Though it may be a double standard, I am glad. After all, "Victory is life!"

[Strong100]

I'm supposed to be joining some sort of club to keep me busy but most of the clubs in my town are just for all the old retired people. I'm part time employed, bored but a little worried about joining one of those clubs for old people. Do it anyway or avoid the small town talk amongst the oldies... i.e. "Oh. She said she's not busy. She mustn't be getting much work!"

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Yeah, I know luck isn't personal. It's an awful lot easier to accept the bad stuff that directly relates to my own life choices, though. At least with that I can acknowledge the stuff up, make better choices, and move on. But when stuff bowls in that's beyond my control, and with such alarming consistency, I can't just shrug that off. I'm angry that no amount of hard work seems to improve my circumstances.

It does sound like you've got a lot of pressure on you, and I know exactly what adding depression to that is like. It's just about too much to go to the toilet, never mind work and study and all that looking after yourself business. But you're doing those things with goals in mind, and you're taking steps to improve your mental health along the way, and that's good (hopefully the meds start doing what they're meant to, soon). And uni is pretty forgiving in some ways. If you haven't, maybe explain to your tutor(s) that you've had some stuff to deal with (no need to go into detail) and are struggling a bit. It shouldn't be hard to get a bit of extra help, or extensions on assignments where needed, some private tutoring maybe or other resources to help you get caught up and feeling more confident for your exam. There are options to help you succeed.

Can't argue that lack of structure is a problem for me. Though the only structure I really must have as an individual is the ability to get a full sleep every day/night somewhere, somehow. Didn't think I was asking much, but life has really been giving me the finger, on that one. Good chance for a sleep-in this morning: neighbour killed it.

But other than that, today worked out to be surprisingly good. I know I've said my job sucks. Upper management are a disaster: under-staffing, constant cutbacks, etc. But the people in the trenches with me are great, otherwise I wouldn't have persisted for as long. My manager today, out of the blue, handed me a $20 gift card - a thank you, he said, for taking on board all the random shift changes lately. As much a lifeline, I think, because he knows I've been struggling. Now I can go out at least once this week without destroying my food budget. So I'll finish up on another nerdy note: "Qapla'!" (I'll be so, so pleased if you know what that means.)

[lookingforme]

Hi Strong100,

I wonder if you would mind me asking why you are "supposed" to be joining a club?

Maybe make a list of pros and cons. This is a bit clichéd, I know, but it may help organize your thoughts on the matter.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hi Strong100,

The best question here is do you want to join a club? If so, what sort of club do you want to join? The impression is you're in a small town, so your options may be limited, though is there another town or city within a reasonable distance that you can get to if an option you like better is there? It's not quite the same as a physical thing, but if you're not nuts about the company in the clubs you can go to, online clubs or groups are an option, with physical get-togethers a possibility for holidays.

Try not to worry too much about what you're "supposed" to do. Do what's genuinely good for you.

Blue.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey Joelle,

Happy to report I'm having another decent day (not sure if you saw my last longer post, it kinda got lost up there among the little ones). Day off work today and neighbour didn't wake me up for once (I can only assume he wasn't home). Date with my big bro soon, and got to talk to an old chum last night I haven't heard from in ages. For the moment, at least, everything's coming up Milhouse! Gonna hang onto that while I can.

Hope you're having a better day than you have been, lately. And if you're not, I'm still here to talk to.