Blended family and BPD Wife

[TheFarSide]

Unfortunately I find myself dealing with the fallout of separating from my BPD wife...

I met my wife through online means. She was everything I wanted and more - her values, her wit, her looks, the sex, the similarities and instant compatibility. The romance moved at record rates and seemingly without a hitch. We met each others children/family/lives and no alarm bells sounded.

Then due to matters of coincidence I found myself need to move house (I was renting at the time) and she insisted we should be together. I moved to hers and it seemed so easy. Before too long we spoke of buying a place together and then marriage.

After 12 months and one new house later we got married and this is where the fairy tale ended.

The night of our wedding came the most illogical aggressive argument about nothing. Her venom laden words seemed to morph into new topics with no time to stop and evaluate what the issues were. It was like a 3 year old tantrum. The fight finally came to a close when she uttered the words 'it's me or your child - you choose' (I am an every second weekend dad).

As soon as those words came I knew there was something much darker at work than simple unchecked emotions.

From there my wife could barely go for much more than a week without firing up at me or her youngest daughter (living with us). I started to notice the same daughter suffering - little OCD's and hurting herself behind her bedroom door to silence the pain. The oldest daughter had already been kicked out by mum to live with her dad.

The unpredictability escalated & I found out she used antidepressants.

I started to research the symptoms and behaviours and stumbled upon countless BPD forums and guides - this was it without a doubt: the love bomb tactics, everyone else is to blame, distorted facts, lies and excessive anger, the changes of subject when confronted, not answering questions, the use of whatever shouted verbal weapon would get results & the quest for forgiveness and compassion when she'd ebbed down days later.

I managed to get her to go to a Psychiatrist. She was at least honest (I was in the room). Although the assessment process seemed short the Doc said she showed enough traits to be considered mild BPD. Since then its only intensified.

In moments I know she has tried to get better and I've loved, supported & been patient with her. I've not been mentally affected but I know its time to sell and say goodbye to the dream - it was never real anyway.

[The_Patrician]

If you have been mislead prior to your marriage then that is what the relationship is based on.

I see this with my Dad and Mum on an ongoing basis. I'm turning 34 and am fair sure my Dad never expected Mum to be so mentally whacked. She has untreated bipolar which has affected my older brother, Dad and me throughout our lives growing up. I would say mostly me as I have tried committing suicide because of her a few times.

There are 2 types of people with bipolar - the ignorant who don't want to hear about the truth of the problem which they have as they are ashamed etc and the one's who accept it and educate themselves on it and hate being an asshole to others.

I guess you will know for next time what you prefer in a person. Sorry it had to be so tough.

[Definitely_Otherwise]

Thank you for wanting to protect innocent, defenceless, vulnerable children from ‘harm’ The Far Side.

I use the word ‘harm’ as does the legislation on Mandatory Reporting of Child Abuse, because the word ‘abuse’ connotes intent.

It feels the same no matter what, and it damages no matter what.

If a women is violent or abusive she gets a diagnosis.

If a man is violent or abusive he gets a record.

In many ways your wife has been given some mercy, and a chance to seek treatment and repair her relationship with her family.

I find it interesting that everyone on here that has become defensive or quoted wedding vows has the same diagnosis, coupled with zero regard for the children's mental health.

I have mental health issues, and am equally made to feel ashamed when the media reports on it only when it is in relation to a violent crime. Sure, that hurts, and it is very offensive and I think that journalists could change the way they word their articles.

But it doesn’t mean I have lost my common sense, become blinkered, that I get a free pass, and that it is not in the realm of possibility that someone can be both. Mentally ill and abusive.

Some people milk their diagnosis. I'm related to them.

Good on you Far Side.

I wish I had, had a Dad like you who could tell the difference.

Def

[TheFarSide]

Thanks to The Patrician and Definitely Otherwise.

Thankyou for sharing your worlds and for taking the time to go through my story above. Both your messages were very real and valuable to read.

My emotions have burst at the seems in the last few days. There have been tears upon tears and a real sense of deflation for failing this relationship. My employer is very supportive and sensitive to modern matters and the support shown has been wonderful... I am ok as a person - I know this process is normal and I know I need to grieve for what my heart yearned, planned and dreamed for.

The fact is I was not informed of the truth of who she is (and was) in many aspects and deceit cannot form the foundation of a strong loving adult bond. If it were just me (and no children) to think of - I know there is a very real chance that I may not have reached out for help across this forum. I may still (like so many I've read about) have looked for the next glimmer of light that validated those longer periods of devaluation.

I know I am not a perfect person, partner nor parent but as a man I give with all I have to those inside my heart. As a dad I have always had a strong parental bond and I have always felt that it gave me a good moral compass.

There is still more to the story - Thankyou again for those messages of understanding.

[quirkywords]

farside,

Thanks for updating how you are coping. I am so glad you employer is so supportive and understanding as that will help me you knowing your employer is there.

I understand this is a very difficult time for you emotionally and personally and you can post here as much as you like as you have found out this is a supportive environment.

I cann see that you have tried your hardest for the relationship to work and that is all anyone can do.

Apart from your employer do you have friends or family who understand your situation and can offer support or are willing to listen ?

There is also grief you maybe feeling for the loss of a relationship that you had so much hope for , and now that it is over the the feeling of that loss would be hurting you.

Once we become a parent it does change us as we need to think about someone else. Your child is fortunate to have you as a parent who cares so much.

You are not alone and we are here to support you so when you want to feel free to add to your story.

Thanks again for your honesty in revealing your emotions and I know that many reading this will be helped by your story.

Quirky

[TheFarSide]

Thanks again for your thoughts Quirky.

We are still together in the same house for now but I have bridged the subject of one of us moving out before selling/settlement... this is a matter more of how we can work our financial situation is as we are tied up in the house. I know being in the same environment isn’t helpful to either.

Yesterday I was away from work and slept for most of the day and last night - mentally I am exhausted... when I woke this morning I got ready for work and became ill. I hadn’t eaten for a couple of days and just the cycling of things had got to me.

Ive just forced myself to eat a little coz I know I’ll be no good as a dad if I’m not looking after myself.

The war of words has dropped off a bit but it’s a strange sensation to be trying to be almost like flat mates in our marital home. Almosy like two lonely souls looking for a moment of human kindness and warmth we have shared the odd hug.

As for local support - what little remains of my family is spread across the country and I have very little contact with any. I come from a broken home where mum and dad were too young to keep me and to keep each other... it was also in a time when alternatives were not so welcome when it came to pregnancy... so I went to my dads parents at a very young age. They raised me and gave me a good life - unfortunately they have now many years since passed. I don’t have a parental connection to my dad or mum.

Due to moving a few times I don’t have a deep friendship network... I have a small social network through work and also a small one through my hobby interests which is good for a little socialisation. With some I can speak about this but probably not to the depth of a dear friend, counsellor or similar.

In times of crisis and need I have always turned to my partner - of course the current circumstances precludes that even being a consideration.

The hurt inside is immense. The grief I know is natural but I dislike it all the same. I don’t think I feel lost as such - just out of place. There are no thoughts in my mind to self harm - I’ve never been one to feel that way inside - there is too much to live for.

I’ve seen my wife has cry. She sees the pain and she says she is heartbroken for us landing where we are. Despite loving me she seems unable to break the shackles of what holds her where she is. She doesn’t really have a network of people to fall back on...many have been pushed away.

Sad is the loss of love.

[White_Rose]

Hello TheFarSide

I am so sorry I have not replied recently but you have been in good hands. It's true we all have our different views on almost everything and part of that comes from our upbringing. Without trying to be a psychologist I am guessing your determination to be a good parent comes from your childhood experiences. In fact my ex's beliefs , feelings etc come from his childhood where his mother was so brutally cruel. In those days there was no family services etc so he and his siblings were forced to put up with it until they were big enough to stop her cruelty and eventually leave home.

I experienced the outcome of his abuse and felt for a long time I should stay because it wasn't his fault. But like you I believe past abuse or mental health problems do not give anyone the right to abuse another. I am so sad you feel you must leave the marriage even though I can feel your hurt through your words. Unfortunately there is rarely an amicable marriage breakdown and in the end both spouses suffer.

I wish I had some words to help you but all I can say is that life will get better. At the moment you can only see blackness and pain and the need to carry on because of your child. It's good you have someone who will keep you safe simply because she is there. I don't know what your child access arrangements are but I wonder if you can go away for a few days with your daughter and just enjoy her love and affection as well as giving your love to her. It may help a little with the pain but most of all it will show you are worthy of love.

I am sure your wife feels regret and pain but just cannot help acting the way she does at this time. I feel she would have a happier life if she could work on it with a good psychiatrist but only she can make that decision as you have said. So until this happens she will suffer a great deal and unfortunately make others suffer with her.

I am glad you have continued to post here and hope it helps. Do try to look at the material on grief and loss as it may help. When I was working there was an EAP for the organisation (public service) and they did great things. If you have someone who understands about BPD then that will be a great help.

Love lost is indeed sad.

Mary

[White_Rose]

Hello The Patrician

Allow me to welcome you to the forum and thank you for your posts.

There is a thread in the Staying Well forum called This Bipolar Life which you may find helpful and enlightening. It was started by someone who had recently been given a diagnosis of Bipolar 2 and tells of her struggles to come to terms with it. The thread is extremely long now and the author has since left the forum but her words are inspiring.

Perhaps you would like to read the first page, possibly two pages of the thread to get the gist of it then skip to pages at the end end. I think it would be a marathon effort to read it all. I know you do not have bipolar but it may help when you interact with your mom or remember her actions. Understanding can help to reduce the pain you feel even though she probably cannot say sorry.

Guessing your mom must be in her 50s? Probably not much help available in her younger days. Not an excuse but perhaps a reason. Try the thread.

Mary

[White_Rose]

Hello Chikkenlegs

Thanks for your post on marriage vows. In general most people would agree that a vow of 'until death do us part' means exactly that. No room for movement. I would love that to be the case for everyone with happy ever after endings. Sadly it is not the case. It's not a case of blame for one person but seeing how dysfunctional a marriage can be.

I have written a little about my husband on this thread. I never met his mom who died of cancer before I met my husband. He and his siblings were severely abused. Should dad take them away from the marriage? Is it OK for one person to abuse children freely so that partners can stay together. I truly wish my husband had not had that childhood and I tried for many years (30) to stay with him. In the end I had no confidence in anything I did and felt I was a waste of space.

I truly believe if I had not left then I would not be alive now. But here I am and I see him at every family gathering and he still tries to bully me and put me down. Fortunately I can ignore him to some extent.

But yes it is a hard situation to live with. Making decisions that will affect a number of people are so complex and difficult. In the end we can only do what we feel is right.

Mary

[Definitely_Otherwise]

You're right FS, sad is the loss of love. You must feel so disappointed. All the hopes you held for the future haven't worked out. You took a leap of faith moving really fast in the relationship. There's no shame in that, lots of people do that.

It's really hard to describe to another person a home environment like the one you and your step daughter live in. People just do not understand, unitl you live it. The degradation of your self esteem. The constant feelings of worthlessness and not being good enough. The desolate loneliness. The lack of touch and affection and validation of my inner expereinces. The put downs and mocking me for wanting affection and then it being witheld on purpose as a power trip and to be made fun of. The split of them being publicly friendly and privately cruel beyond words, messed with my young mind. The explosive rage was terrifying. Something very dark happened to me when I was little. And that dark thing changed the course of my life forever and impacted every facet of my life. But when I compare myself to my mates who had similar things happen to them minus my home environment......they have faired so much better than me. The home environment put the boot in, and convinced me that I was truly worthless. Like some limp pathetic stuffed doll that adults can do what ever they want to. The fact that they had mental illnesses, and me being able to logically and rationally know that they were unwell, did not lessen my suffering one iota. Insight has its limits. Insight can only go so far, and at extreme times compassion can be naive.

I really feel for your step daughters, the reverberations of their mothers treatment of them, will be life long. I thought that her life experiences would have softened her, made her more empathetic and determined to not repeat the cycle she was exposed to. She has felt acute rejection from being adopted out and it sounds like you also have had a lot of familial loneliness and rejection yourself. I thought that this would have the complete opposite effect on her and she would be ferociously protective of her girls.

I've met some lovely people with BPD. But when I meet a person for the first time, if they disclose they have a mental health problem, I don't immediately trust or like them just becuase they share my health problems. Excessive empathy that makes me blind and naive puts me at risk.

Grief is long and winding. Her girls will have to grieve one day too. They have missed out.

Def

[TheFarSide]

Thankyou to everyone who has posted their stories and words of support above. To Mary and Def for your recent posts and shared experiences. There are a lot of people in this world that have been affected by both the kindness and cruelty that other humans can bring into lives.

My wife has once again returned to her kinder self. It had been a little less hostile for a few days so I think I was half prepared for the fact that there might've been a shift coming. For those that have seen and experienced this emotional shifting there is definitely some elements of confusion that this change of behaviours can bring. All I can do at the moment is view what occurs with eyes wide open and see what real change - if any - it may bring. In my own head I'm not reading anything into it at all - I am none the less quite happy for a little space and peace to gather thoughts and re-centre. Sorry if that sounded a bit offhand or reserved but despite wanting to be at least neutral about the change to her current state, there is a little self preservation going on as well - I am conscious that I don't want to end up cycling the same footprint.

I will keep the post short for now and see what a little time brings.