Are we kidding ourselves that things really can get better

[Guest_5809]

I have been in this vicious cycle for so long now and nothing gets better. I am battle fatigued. Truely just numb. Single parent to 2 teens with mental health issues and a narcissistic ex ( kids father). I have experienced my ex attempt suicide, my youngest who was 10 yo at the time attempt suicide and my now 14yo attempt suicide 4 times. I live an emotional roller coaster that I vant keep up wth unless I self medicate. I have 2 inpatient admissions in 7 months cause I just can't see any light left. We exist not live. I am totally lost. We have support services in place but nothing changes . I don't know how other people seem to cope and I can't. I don't know what's wrong with my brain. I feel damaged and broken. I don't want pity and I know there are lots doing it harder than I am. I want to know how to survive this or is it possible t survive ths? And please don't advise me to self care. I truely have little or know time to myself to address my own needs as my chidrens needs are high plus I work to pay bills. Sorry to sound grumpy and selfish. I am just lost and feeling hopeless.

Thanks for taking the time to read.

[Guest_5809]

The bridge with my family is broken. For years I couldn't be myself and pretended my life was great. Soon as they found out all lives are garbage, they don't want anything to do with us. They think I make it up and need yo grow up.

I know I have caused this hell of a mess my family is in through poor judgement and poor choices. I know I broken and unloveable. I am ok with that. I just wish I could change it got my kids. They deserve everything hrrsy know and I can't even manage it.

[Guest_5809]

I am so sorry I am such a bag of misery. Everyone gets sick of me winging. I am draining and I apologise

[Croix]

Dear Dottibluebell~

Come on, if your life was just peachy you would not be here, we understand. Why do you think I"m trying to point out your strengths, precisely because you life is hard and you are making it though.

I remember you talking about Stockholm syndrome and being held hostage for fear you ex would harm himself. It is only a decent person, one that cares and does not want to see another hurt or live with the guilt that might result, who can be held by emotional blackmail such as that - where you're boxed in a corner by your own decency.

You may have felt the frustration, powerlessness and even regarded yourself as weak, however someone outside sees you ex as a manipulative weak idiot and you in a much more positive role.

If your family won't stay the distance when things are tough, what does that say?

I know you are unhappy with yourself and my words won't leave much of an impression. Can you do what I'm doing and think of a good thing about yourself? Or even something you'd like to improve?

While you are thinking why not say why your chose your avatar?

Croix (who finds Roadhawk's verse too deep for him to grasp properly too)

[Guest_5809]

The avatar is about moving forward, hope. I really did believe in that. That was when I first joined bb. There is no belief left anymore. I have hope for my kids. I really do. I am just buying time til then.

[Croix]

Dear Dottibluebell~
Hope for your kids is a great thing. You realize of course you are a big part of that hope, with your determination and love. You came here what - 3 or 4 years ago? and things have not been good.

You have children with special needs, a family that sounds much worse than useless plus the legacy of a terrible ex – plus more.

Things can change, I think maybe your ability to see that has withered away, partly because of all these circumstances, partly your own illness and I hate to say it but maybe partly by self-medication which can have a depressive effect and also stop any meds you are on working properly.

You are no doubt thinking I’m unrealistic, maybe though my life collapsed in a different way and took a long time (more than 3-4 years) to hit a steady improve. A lot of that time I thought I was stuck without hope too.

I would like to think the reason you started this thread was so you could hope.

Most people are not that good at surviving repeated blows like you have received. Even though I’ve been there I don’t understand why, but for some reason self-blame and self-hate spring up. As you know these make the whole world different.

Your medical treatment has not worked, though as I said that may be at least in part due your self-med. You deserve a better happier life with things coming together. Even now steps can be made if you like.

Believe it or not you are a brave determined person and you harness that to keep going for your kids. Please use some of that for yourself.

Croix

[Guest_5809]

I just want to see I have s great mask. I tried to tell me community case manager today. I look so all together I get to work I want only the best for my kids. But I am broken I am unfixable. I have had flashbacks of being about 6 and trying to self harm. I have never ever said that to anybody. I feel so ashamed and sick of the thoughts. I don't know why but it just adds to my idea I am broken. I am sorry if this is too much information. I just need to get it out of my thoughts.

[Croix]

Dear Dottibluebell~

No, not too much info, in fact just enough to give a brief idea of some of the things you face day to day, a pretty good move really.

Incidentally you don't really need to worry about saying to much here, you already know that one needs to remember others can be fragile. If you make a slip and do say too much it will simply not appear and you will be guided as to why, no hassles.

Feeling ashamed of those thoughts is something that comes from illness, not because there is anything to be ashamed of. Struggling to cope, which I would think is the reason for attempting self-harm, means something happened back then that strained your limits of coping, which at 6 years old are not as well developed as an adult.

This does not mean that something itself was necessarily terrible, it might well have been of course, or then again might have been only terrible in the eyes of a young child.

If I knew there was something that powerful in my past and it was affecting me now I'd need to sort it out, I think I'd need another with me though. I'd be reluctant and frightened to look further. I'd need to as life can't be ruled by feelings of shame and lack of self worth. Such things leach out all possibility and hope for better, and you do deserve better.

Feeling sick of the thoughts - well yes of course. Being presented with the same very unpleasant memories and feelings again and again will do that to anyone, grinding them down more.

Look, I don't think I'm really telling you anything you don't intellectually know, even if your feelings and emotions don't accept that. I can tell you with perfect truth you are not broken. Weighed down with great pressure so you cannot see any future for yourself -yes, even so a better future is there, just hidden.

Many of us wear a mask, some just with those we are not close to, some even with them. Going outside the mask means discarding a coping skill that seems to work a bit, and as such can be very frightening. If you have a medical professional you think you can trust then write things down and hand over the paper. I had to do that.

Your life can be better, not just lived for your kids, but for you too. It might take time but it can be there. These are not just idle meaningless words, I've experienced it myself

Croix

[blondguy]

Hi Dottibluebell

Croix Geoff & Chrispie have covered so much above with their noteworthy posts

I understand that you dont feel well right now Dotti. I just wanted to say that you have incredible strength for having posted on the forums about the pain you are going through.

Making an effort is a huge step towards recovery. It took me 8 weeks to post my own thread topic as my depression was rock bottom when I joined. I didnt have the guts.

The forums are a safe and non judgemental place and there are many gentle people that can be here for you

Im Paul and its really good to meet you Dottibluebell

My kind thoughts for you

[Guest_5809]

I so greatful for all of your supportive comments. I am so pleased To meet you all. I don't know how to deal with any of these thoughts except in an uncostructive way. It seems to be the only way to deal with pain without Pandora's box opening. Once that opens I am afraid of myself. 1 hr psych appts a week don't feel will keep me contained. It's very scarey o am really scared.

[blondguy]

Hey Dotti

After what you have been through being scared is more than understandable.....many of us have known some of the awful pain you are and have been going through

you are not alone here Dotti....you are an important part of the Beyond Blue forum family

I hope you can stick around and be comfortable here as we have your back

Paul