Are we kidding ourselves that things really can get better

[Guest_5809]

I have been in this vicious cycle for so long now and nothing gets better. I am battle fatigued. Truely just numb. Single parent to 2 teens with mental health issues and a narcissistic ex ( kids father). I have experienced my ex attempt suicide, my youngest who was 10 yo at the time attempt suicide and my now 14yo attempt suicide 4 times. I live an emotional roller coaster that I vant keep up wth unless I self medicate. I have 2 inpatient admissions in 7 months cause I just can't see any light left. We exist not live. I am totally lost. We have support services in place but nothing changes . I don't know how other people seem to cope and I can't. I don't know what's wrong with my brain. I feel damaged and broken. I don't want pity and I know there are lots doing it harder than I am. I want to know how to survive this or is it possible t survive ths? And please don't advise me to self care. I truely have little or know time to myself to address my own needs as my chidrens needs are high plus I work to pay bills. Sorry to sound grumpy and selfish. I am just lost and feeling hopeless.

Thanks for taking the time to read.

[Croix]

Dear Dottibluebell~

I don't blame you for being scared, after all there could be a lot going on under the surface and you may worry about your reactions to it.

I can only talk about my own experience (again:) which was there was no vast upheaval, my improvement was gradual over many years. The dangerous periods quite frankly were before my problems were properly addressed and I floundered around in pain, loss and no real understanding.

Therapy can lead out of that place, and in my case it very much concentrated on coping strategies with less emphasis - at least at the start - on discovering and understanding causes.

Anyone under therapy is still in charge. This means for many at the start you make it very clear the amout of support (or otherwise) you will have between weekly visits and make the pshrink understand that caution and easy stages is the way to go.

If I can mention that fear of change is pretty good, it is so much better than thinking no change is possible, that you are a lost cause (which was always rubbish).

Paul is right, you are now part of a caring community

Croix

[Guest_5809]

Hi Croix, Paul and chrispie

I just need to put my thoughts down

I have a restless night thinking about my Sh at 6 yo. I think I am just brain ******. What makes a child do these things. My thoughts are I must be seriously crazy cause there is no reason for me doing it. That's why I am like I am. Like not movie crazy but really something wrong in my brain it really is broken 😞

[Guest_5809]

I am sorry if I am over messsaging. I just can't verbalise any of this for fear of the outcome.

[Croix]

Dear Dottibluebell~

Look, you are going though bad times. That does not mean you are - or ever have been 'broken'. Fear, anxiety and depression makes everyone do things that don't seem logical at first glance. They also twist how we see past actions. Children do things for reasons adults don't always understand -or even currently remember, and they only have limited means to cope. You are a caring worth-while adult and we are here for you, just as many have been here for us.

I'm not sure what you mean by you can't verbalize for fear of the outcome.

If you are worried about what you say having a bad effect on others here, then just use common sense and don't be too graphic, any slips will be removed.

If you are concerned others will see you are in deep distress then I've two things to say:

First this place is anonymous, nobody knows who you are.

The second is if in deep distress maybe you should try for a little relief by using a help line or on-line chat. Can't hurt. I've been helped that way. Can ease you over a particularly bad period.

If you are frightened that by saying something you will over-react yourself and suicide then do so in a supportive environment with a health professional right there and both of you take it slowly.

Lastly you are not posting too frequently. Unfortunately the way this place works you will not always be answered quickly, so it is not a crisis place, however when the replies do come they are from people that actually care about to - people like Paul and myself and others.

Is that OK?

Croix

[Chrispie]

Hi Dottibluebell. This is a place where you can say things to us and you don't need go feel ashamed about anything. How could you possibly control what you thought or did as a child. I wonder if you are receiving any respite for you children. There are services that provide support to give parents a well deserved break. I'm know of Commonwealth Carers in Qld. Speaking for myself I feel the way you do at my low times. My inner voice is pretty damn good at telling me things as you mentioned. I must be crazy! Feeling hopeless and lost! I fear my thoughts too often. I have kept a lot of demons locked away and have never shared what happened to me when I was a teenager. It was not my fault nor yours. I wish I could take away some of your pain. 💕 Chris

[Guest_5809]

It's funny. Not haha funny but funny in that I used to see that I was just unlucky to have gone through my crap. I truely believe now I in this position cause my mind is truely crazy I don't have memories of abuse from others just self abuse. Self abuse where a child should not abuse. I am horrified. I am frightened to say it allowed cause it will take me 😢

[blondguy]

Hey Dotti

Chrispie and Croix have really reached out and tried to help you in this dark place you are in. I hope you re read their posts when you can

As per your first post....nobody here is going to advise you to self care...that is up to you. We can only try to provide some humble support through our own personal pain & experience

You are stronger than you think........because it takes guts to post on the forums....and good on you!

If you are really stuck you know what to do....See your GP....as soon as you can as they can be a huge help...I still see my GP every 4 weeks for a 'tune up' (depression...leftover anxiety..etc)

Beyond Blue also have super caring qualified people that can help you 24/7 on 1300 22 4636.

Its great you are here on the forums Dotti....I hope you can stick around

Paul

[Guest_5809]

I truely take onboard everything you all say. I have tried to not self medicate since I started posting. I have less days doing that. I wake up feeling.clearer head but also feeling more unwanted feelings. But I am pushing through. I appreciate everyone's kind words. At the moment it's all I have.

[Croix]

Dear Dottibluebell~

Trying to reduce self-medication is amazing, and I'm very impressed and glad. You said everyone's kind words. At the moment it's all I have. No, not right, you have you, a person with strength. a person who you will come to realize you can rely upon more and more. A person who had tried to help at least one other in another thread. You are well and truly worth the effort you put in.

Finding that clarity leads to unwanted thoughts is not unexpected, after all it would partly to avoid them the self-medication came in. I'd suggest now is the time to try to reduce them. Distracting yourself with anything you like or enjoy is a good way, as is doing some exercise straight away which gets you away from the place you were thinking and get your body to distract your mind.

If you have a particularly stubborn set of thoughts learn to use Smiling Mind, it works for many including me. Always reward yourself for every gain you make (does not have to be anything big) and do not be too upset at failing. it all takes time and perseverance.

Please talk some more, good or bad you are going to be welcome here.

Croix

[Guest_5809]

I feel so heard and I really appreciate every word that is sent to me. It feels like I have some value to some one.