Anxiety and depression/loneliness

[Branka]

Hi to everyone. I have recently moved to Melbourne from Sydney to be with my 2 younger sons and grandson. It was a major decision as I had been living in Sydney for 50 years. I thought that moving would be great. My anxiety and depression has become worse. I have had clinical depression since I was 16 and anxiety for most of my life.

I am living with my youngest son and his wife. He abuses me verbally and emotionally and I now wonder if the move was wise. I simply don't have the energy nor finances to move back to Sydney. I feel lonely and sad as I just don't know what to do. I have no friends however, I have started working whicj has made me feel better.

I am divorced and unable to protect myself from my son's abuse. This is making me extremely anxious and sad. Why did I move in with him? Because I thought he may have changed particularly as he had recently married. I was wrong and feel really confused.

I am new to this forum and hope that I can find some support. Thank you.

[Branka]

Dear Croix

No you are not mistaken. My older son has completely cut off his support and doesn't want to get involved. I understand as he has his own family to worry about.

My only solution is to move out so that we can all have peace. My younger son says that I am stressing his wife out but he is the one yelling, being abusive and hitting the doors. I don't yell at him nor call him names. I try to remain calm and tell him that I don't want to argue. He constantly says that I am playing the victim but he doesn't realise that he is victimising me. He just won't take responsibility for his actions. As far as he is concerned he is right and I am always in the wrong.

It has gotten to the stage where he is abusing me for past events. That I was a bad parent. There was an instant when he was 13 and hit me. I called the police to scare him and to help him realise that he can't hot women. There have been episodes where he has slapped his wife.

My psychologist thinks he may become physically abusive in the future. In the past he threw a bottle at me which hit me in the head and smashed a glass coffee table at my feet. Luckily I wasn't hurt.

My oldest son who lives in Sydney warned me about moving to Melbourne but I didn't listen. My youngest son also abused his brother and father. It's a really sad situation.

Branka xxx

[Croix]

Dear Branka~

Thank you for explaining things, it's a truly horrible situation.

I guess for those of us looking on we can all see that this sort of toxic environment is so destructive and in a way a trap. Once you are in it by the time things go really sour you are already down with a mind that is busy reacting to the situation. No doubt with hurt, self-doubt, probably guilt and feelings of hopelessness.

That dose not make you a a confident planner or even someone with the energy to contemplate a big upheaval like a move, something that seems the only option.

I would think it really has to be done though, the feelings of desperation and being trapped come over in your words and letting yourself get worse would be a tragedy. It is easy to give advice from outside without the pressures you are under - but if it was me I'd look firstly at just getting out, into crisis accommodation. Once you are out of that home and away from your son then would be the time to look at things and see what is the most practical thing to plan for.

This would of course mean seeking help and would need you to explain to someone what has been happening. If you find it hard to put into words write everything down first, including how you were feeling in the car the other night (or print out these posts). Share the paper after. You do not have to be unemployed to seek help.

It may seem I'm advocating a rather extreme course of action, and I guess in a way I am, it's just the effect of where you are is wearing you down greatly and I'm very concerned for you - we all are.

Croix

[Guest_5218]

Morning Branka. Just read your post this morning which gives the background to your youngest sons behavior. Gosh .. no wonder your older son was against you leaving Sydney and heading South. We always hope things will be different I suppose, and want to think the best. Unfortunately it hasnt worked out that way, and we need to devise a plan to extricate you from this impossible position that you are currently in. Its toxic and dangerous, for all of you really.

This is only brief this morning I'm afraid, and I apologise for that. I suggest you phone the Victorian State Government Health and Community Services. They have a specific Family Violence Response Centre, which you can reach on 1800 015 188. They provide confidential support and information for women and children living with family violence or, in fact to anyone who knows a person living with family violence. They will hopefully be able to help with options for emergency housing. They can also help you to deal with the situation better, offer appropriate support, and steer you in the right direction when it comes to recovery from what is a very distressing situation. It may also be appropriate to discretely pass the toll free number to your daughter in law, as there could well come a time she too may be in need of similar assistance for herself and your grandchildren.

I'm so sorry that you are in this situation Branka, it must be heartbreaking for you. But there is no question in my mind, with everything you've said here, that you need to get out asap.

Kindest thoughts, and please continue to keep in touch. As Croix said, you have people here who are very concerned for you and care.

Sherie

[Branka]

Hi Croix

Thank you for your support and sound advice. Just to let you know that my youngest son and I have not seen each other for 3 days due to our working schedules and I find I have been a little more relaxed. I will make the calls you suggested.

All I want is peace and quiet. I pray that in time my son and I can work on our relationship.

Branka

[Croix]

Dear Brasnka~

I guess those three days have been very valuable.

It may well be that the relationship between you and your son may improve in a different setting. At the moment you are basically in his house and dependent on him (I'm not talking financially) for many things, space, peace, understanding, cooperation and lots more.

If you are not in this setup and can come together more as equals where he does not feel he can do whatever he pleases you never know.

Please let us know how things are getting on

Croix

[Branka]

Hi to all

Finally told my son I would move out. Well that didn't go well. I was told that I was selfish, couldn't make commitments and only thought about myself. My son asked me why I wanted to move out and I honestly answered him. He said that I was to blame for his behaviour, that I show defensive behaviour in my body language,that my tone of voice is all wrong.

He said that if I move out it is not his fault. He claims that he is the man of the house and and must do as he says. He says it's for my (and his wifes) good. Maybe his intentions are well meaning I don't know.

He wears me down to a point where I feel confused and end up saying stupid things only to make matters worse.

Spoke to BB and had 'gaslighting' explained. Sounds just like my son.

Bye for now and thank you for reading my posts and your suppor

Branka xxx

[Guest_5218]

Hi Branka, and thanks for updating us.

Firstly I'm glad you spoke to the BB helpline, and that you found their advice helpful. Actually I just looked up 'Gaslighting' because I wasnt sure what it meant. Definition for anyone reading - Gaslighting, or gas-lighting, is a form of mental abuse in which information is twisted or spun, selectively omitted to favor the abuser, or false information is presented with the intent of making victims doubt their own memory, perception, and sanity.

Also I admire your courage in speaking to your son and telling him you intend to move out. A brave, but necessary step. The situation you are in there is not going to change. And you're right, everything that you have described about your son, certainly seems to fit the description of gaslighting.

There could be some good news with this knowledge Branka. As it appears you are now able to put a name to this relationship with your son, it may enable you to work towards changing the dynamic between you. And also to know that all those negative things he's been making you feel about yourself, is simply wrong. I still think though that you are best to work on improving your relationship while not in his home.

Did you give any further thought to calling the number I provided for the Family Violence Response Centre? They may still be able to provide insight and practical advice to help you.

Happy to continue to support you in whatever limited capacity I can Branka, provided you want or need it.

Sherie xx

[Branka]

Good morning to everyone

I would just like something explained. Yesterday my son was really pleasant. When he is like this I begin to question myself about whether I have been wrong about him. I think that he is changing but then he goes back to being argumentative and abusive. This is very confusing.

Even my daughter in law is giving me the cold shoulder. She says that I am to blame for my son's behaviour.

My son says that he finds me extremely frustrating so I wonder how much I am to blame. I'm a very peaceful person, soft and gentle. I hate arguments and I do avoid them at all costs. My son sees this as running away from problems.

He is right to some degree and this stems from my childhood which is so hard to completely forget. When we try to communicate he says alot of things that leave me confused. He is still adamant that he is the boss in the and what he says goes.

I keep telling myself that he is a good person. Is this my way of exusing his nasty behavior? I can't help feeling anxious around him waiting for the next outburst.

Last night when I was in bed I kept praying that he would leave me alone. I just feel really worn out and don't have the energy to talk to him.

Branka xxx

[Croix]

Dear Branka~

Yes that behavior can be confusing, basically blowing hot and cold. It is still abusive behavior aimed at making you confused and doubt ourself. It is precisely because there are good periods you tend to question if your judgment is faulty, that things are maybe not so bad.

This ploy plays on both unceretinty and also wishful thinking. I'd doubt that your son is doing this as part of a plan. I'd guess it is simply instinct. One dares to hope things are getting better and there is affection, so your attachment to the person rises, then affection is deliberately withheld causing insecurity as you can find no reason for it and wonder what is happening.

Unfortunately this sort of controlling behavior is all too common. It is poison.

I'm sorry, I really wish I could say something nice about that home, but I can't. It's a toxic environment and you will be well out of it. Sure you will be sad at the outcome, however you will not be constantly hammered and will gain some peace.

Please draw on us when you need, we'll be here

Croix

[Branka]

Hi Croix

Thank you for your continuing support. I really appreciate it. I have just found an exuse to leave the house. It sounds really awful I know. My son asked me to cook dinner which I happuly did. He then started questioning me about my pay and wanted to check my payslips. He said he is only checking to make sure I am getting paid correctly even though I assured him I was. I did become defensive. Perhaps I am wrong. Perhaps I am wrong about everything.

He keeps calling me a 'delicate little flower' because I am so sensitve to everything. He says that I am not normal and that I am pushing my family away.

I have told him I am moving out. He insisted I say that it is not his fault. I just simply parroted his words because it's what he wants to hear. He says that I am making him feel guilty.

I feel that I have greatly dissappointed my children. I am not the rock that my son wants me to be. I will always be there for them I just need my personal space. Maybe my thinking is all wrong I don't know. I wish I was stronger mentally and emotionally. This whole thing is really wearing me out.

Branka xxx