Depressed Husband is affecting the children

[Redhuta]

First time poster and actually the first time in 14 years I am speaking about this openly instead of pleading with my husband to work on his depression or speaking to my physiologist.

I have lived with my husband for 14.5 years and his depression was evident to me 1 year into our marriage. Its been a compromise and in the early years when we were having kids I suppose they were a distraction.

Now that the girls are 14 and 9 they are so much more aware of the way their dad treats their mum. We go through cycles and we are currently going through another one where his stupid dr allowed him to decrease his medication. When he told me a few months ago I knew I was in for hell again.

He sleeps a lot, and likes his 2-3 drinks every night. I think they are an issue however he does not think so. His “short fuse” has always been directed to me however over the last year he also lashes out to strangers like when he drives if someone cuts in. He even had a huge lash out at a football game which is awful as I think one day he will choose the wrong person and he will get attacked.

The other night he lost it over the most ridiculous thing and swore at me again in front of my 9 year old. She blamed herself and he said he need to leave. I agree we have reached the point of no return. He finds it hard to talk so he emailed me totally accepting blame and how as he says he is “out of control”. I am very resentful and I have lived a sexless, affectionless life and feel I deserve better. Sad thing is I am the most optimistic, upbeat,friendly and social person and he has made me become this person who hides his “secret”. I feel liberated even writing this. I am so hurt he has never tried to fully help himself. I gave up asking him to get help because the minute I would say anything he would criticise me and point out my faults and I just could not take it anymore. We are living together in silence till he finds a place to moving too. Just reading in here helps e realise I am not alone.

[quirkywords]

Redhuta welcome to the forum.

I am glad you are talking about this for the first time here and have realised you are not alone.

I am sorry that your marriage has reached the point where you and your husband are talking about separating.

You have said your marriage goes through cycles and this is a bad one.

Depression is not only hard for the person who has it but as you have shown it affects others.

I see your husband saw a doctor and was on a medication. Doctors rely on what the patient says and often people say they are feeling well, because they are on the medication, and request to be taken off medication or to have medication reduced. I can see how this was frustrating for you. Has he ever seen a counsellor or a psychologist ?

In his email it sounds like he has insight into how his behaviour is affecting his family but he does not know how to change it.

Everyone experiences depression differently and sometimes it is hard ask for help and to help oneself when one feels so worthless and exhausted.

It must have been hard for you to see this man not able to help himself and to experience him criticising you when you tried to help him. You also look after your children .

I am sure by writing this you will have helped others and people will be able to relate to you.

You are not alone.

Quirky

[Redhuta]

Thanks for your reply quirky.

We did go and see a counsellor many years ago however he does not like hearing his “faults”. It then becomes a tick for tack and we had a baby so I did not pursue it. I have been seeing a physiologist on and off for 3 years and he has helped me understand why my husband acts the way he does. I try and talk to my husband however he cannot take any sort of “criticism” without lashing out back at me. He makes me doubt my parenting however thankfully I am not longer affected by this ( I was years ago and felt I had to change not to trigger him). Currently we are under the same room and not speaking at all to prevent any arguing. I think his Dr has raised his meds. For the first time I have confided in some friends and just the encouragement has meant the world to me. I even sent an email to his sister to let her know however his family is highly dysfunctional as they all suffer from various mental health issues like bi-polar,social phobia etc. I had NO idea of this when I got involved with him. They don’t speak so I would say he is not happy I have let his sister know however I thought it may be the last straw for him to accept he needs to get help from a physiologist. My physiologist even gave me a name of an expert dealing with his issue. He was emotionally abused by his mother and had an awful childhood with his two sisters. I have always felt protective of him and such sorrow and compassion at the expense of my own well being. Its just such a sad story. I just dont want my daughters to think ist okay to be in a relationship where emotially abusing your spouse is okay.

[quirkywords]

Redhuta,

Thanks for your reply.

It is so sad about your husband's childhood and your whole situation. The thing is his mother may have had issues of her own from childhood. It is so complex. I hope your husband will get the help he needs by realising he needs it.

You do need to look after yourself and your children.

If you want, you can look at some other thread and maybe find ones that interest and help you.

I am glad you received encouragement from friends after confiding in them.

Kind thoughts

Quirky

[Redhuta]

He has booked in to see a Physiologist which is great. He is moving out which I know is best as he needs to work on himself. I have enabled him for too long as I just feel such guilt and its allowed me to fall into this cycle of rescuing etc . We are under the same roof however we are only communicating briefly via email. I find this totally unnatural however he just seems to not be able to communicate to me in any other way at the moment. I just do not want to start dialogue as I cannot say anything that he will fight like a teenage boy and tick for tack so its best we just dont speak. So sad its come to this 😞

[Redhuta]

Any advice from anyone about setting boundaries? We have not spoken except via email to avoid confrontation however we need to sit and plan finances /Kids/Christmas plans and a holiday we have pre booked and paid for in 6 weeks.

He has not move out yet however I think its best for him to be away from me as I think I trigger his outbursts. I want him to finally get the complete help he needs at least to rebuild his relationship with our daughters. I don’t know what will happen to us as a couple however a mutual respect is what I am aiming for. One day at a time.

[quirkywords]

Redhuta

Thanks for letting us know how things are going. It is sad.

I am not sure if there are mediation counsellors but they are useful in helping to make a plan to keep it civil.

Mutual respect is agood thing to aim for even though it can be difficult.

Is he still planning to move out.

How are you feeling now you have opened up about it on this forum? Has made things clearer for you at all?

Quirky

[Croix]

Dear Redhuta~

One of the really horrible things in life is one's partner becoming ill with depression. It is sadly one of those afflictions that not only makes the person who is ill really suffer but spreads out and affects everyone all around.

At this stage your welfare and that of your children has to be the most important thing. I've no idea if your relationship with your husband can be salvaged, however I'd imagine a lot would have to happen first.

I'm pleased you have a psychologist of your own. In these circumstances you need all the support there is. As you found just talking frankly to friends makes a whole lot of difference. When you are too close to the whole thing, as I suspect you have been, there is a strong temptation to excuse abusive behaviors and give far too much understanding and support. Love and sympathy can be misdirected unfortunately.

It is one thing to help someone who is caring and appreciative in return and tries hard to get better by seeking and wholeheartedly engaging in medical help, and quite another to soldier on alone propping up someone who attacks you verbally whenever you make a constructive suggestion. As you have found out that is not only greatly upsetting but leads to guilt and erodes ones feelings of self worth.

Such behavior in front of your children can only do harm.

Your psychologist will have given you an idea of what to expect, so you know this is not something quickly cured.

You asked about boundaries and mentioned a holiday. You are already at the stage where you cannot talk, conversing when necessary via email. From what you say the sooner you husband is in a separate place the better - for both of you actually. Living in fear of a verbal explosion is simply not on, either for you or your children.

It may be separation will spur him on to be frank with and cooperate with his doctor. He obviously does have an idea how things really are, he did email and accept blame.

I would think the holiday is something either you and the kids goes on, or he does by himself (or with a member of his family). Alternatively if you have travel insurance a doctor's certificate may be enough to recover some of your costs.

By the sound of it he is not in a position to rebuild any relationships at present. Maybe if he is treated and improves. Hopefully he will cooperate over finances and Christmas arrangements. It may be too early to talk in terms of access to kids.

I hope setting things out here helps

Croix

[Redhuta]

Thank you both. Its actually been easier to get clarity posting here too. I have confirmed in a few friends and one does counselling for lifeline so his insight has been very though provoking.

I have not told family as they are all away and its hard with them as they have not suspected anything as my husband is a wonderful person,gentle, great father and provider. Its just that “secret” we have had that when the rage or trigger sets him off I am the “target”.

I just need to be strong as my heart breaks for him as I do feel so sorry for him. He is in our home being so respectful of me and trying to stay out of my way. This is the pattern and I always just want to “rescue” him And I always back down and just let things go back to “normal”. I think his meds are back to normal level so I am sure he is very remorseful as he is seeing things a lot clearer. I just keep telling myself he needs to be apart from me to get the proper help he needs. I just hope for his stake he sticks to the therapy as the meds alone just dont help him.

[Croix]

Dear Redhuta~

It does like half the battle is with yourself. In a lot of ways it can seem easier - even more caring - to let bygones be bygones - until the inevitable next time.

You really have been going overboard with the protection and that is not doubt why he feels safe to vent his violent feelings against you in your home. Swinging between 'respectful' and contrite and anger and abuse is a common behavior.

Holding to a firm resolution and insisting he has proper effective treatment, and not allowing yourself to be used as a target is very hard but very necessary. Without that things can only get worse. As mentioned previously time apart would seem the only practical course at the moment.

I'm glad you have others to talk to, it makes a world of difference and helps cut down that all pervasive self doubt.

Croix