Anxiety and depression/loneliness

[Branka]

Hi to everyone. I have recently moved to Melbourne from Sydney to be with my 2 younger sons and grandson. It was a major decision as I had been living in Sydney for 50 years. I thought that moving would be great. My anxiety and depression has become worse. I have had clinical depression since I was 16 and anxiety for most of my life.

I am living with my youngest son and his wife. He abuses me verbally and emotionally and I now wonder if the move was wise. I simply don't have the energy nor finances to move back to Sydney. I feel lonely and sad as I just don't know what to do. I have no friends however, I have started working whicj has made me feel better.

I am divorced and unable to protect myself from my son's abuse. This is making me extremely anxious and sad. Why did I move in with him? Because I thought he may have changed particularly as he had recently married. I was wrong and feel really confused.

I am new to this forum and hope that I can find some support. Thank you.

[Branka]

Dear Sherie

Thank you for your kind words and support. I really need people like you at the moment. As I've recently relocated to Melbourne I don't know anyone and feel very lonely.

I will try to keep my chin up.

Branka xxx.

[Guest_5218]

Thats the spirit Branka. It must be so hard up and leaving everything you're familiar with. Only to end up in the horribly difficult situation in which you've found yourself.

As to what transpired between you and your younger son earlier. Obviously in the heat of the moment we all say things we dont mean, and perhaps thats the case this time.

Like you I dont have much in the way of support. A mixture of reasons for that in my case. Family are a long way away - at least 5.5 hours drive, and up to 7 hours. That includes parents, brother, sister, step son and step daughter and their respective families. It was 8 years ago my husband and I moved to this area, away from my family and acquaintances. Although I have worked up here and have former work colleagues, I really do not have any friends. So I understand to some extent how lonely and isolated you must feel. Oh, a very quick intro so you know a bit about the person to whom you are talking. I am a 58yo married female and I suffer from PTSD.

Its all very well living in the home of your son and his family, but sometimes in such a situation of obvious unhappiness for you, it would be extremely isolating for you. Its like you can be in a crowded room, and its then you feel the most lonely.

Yes, please do keep your chin up. There has to be solutions to your predicament. Certainly you cannot remain where you are, as it clearly isnt working for any of you. Think of this as a temporary thing, it will get better.

Offering you a comforting cyber hug if you will accept it?

Sherie xx

[Croix]

Dear Branka~

I'm sorry things have got so bad so quickly, it sounds like going back you your younger son, even for a short while is not an option. So you need a plan.

I guess the first thing to ask is if there is any other family member you can crash with for a short while until you get your breath and sort something more permanent out. Perhaps the older son that defended you?

if that is not practical as Sherie says you can call our 24/7 Help line on 1300 22 4636 and see what they suggest in terms of short term accommodation. I'm not that familiar with crisis services, the only other one in your area I know of is the Opening Doors 24-hour number on 1800 825 955.

If you find all this overwhelming call Lifeline on 131114, its easy to do and can help - I've found that.

This is a horrible thing to go through but you can make it and will be better off out of that toxic environment. As a parent there is a great temptation to take on the burden of children who do not turn out well, thinking that as a parent you are responsible and they turned out the way they did because of you .

This is simply false thinking. By the time a person becomes an adult they are well and truly responsible for their own actions.

Please make some calls and see how you go, there will always be a place for you here

OK?

Croix

[Branka]

Thank you so much for your support. I really do feel it's a good idea if I moved out. My anxiety and depression have escalated and so has my blood pressure . I just hope it doesn't get worse. It's so soul destroying when your son tells you you've been a bad parent and have destroyed family relationships.

I have sacrificed so much for my sons. I love them with all my heart and wish only the best for them.

Branka

Ps I accept your cyber hug.

[Branka]

Dear Croix

I am overwhelmed with the support I have received. Unfortunately, I have no where to go at present. I really don't want to burden my other son. I will make some calls. I called the domestic violence 1800RESPECT number but I didn't feel they were very helpful. Maybe I was just too distressed at the time. Thank you so much again.

Branka xxx.

[Croix]

Dear Branka

I'm glad you are going to make some calls, that Opening Doors number is a crisis line that puts you in touch with various emergency services, I would imagine our own Help Line does much the same.

Please let us know how you are going - and of course you will get support here, that's why this place exists. As for you being distressed - of course, anyone, me included, would be.

Croix

[Guest_5218]

Hi Branka, a quick post as I head off to bed.

I hope you are safe, and I do believe that your decision to find alternative accommodation is the correct one, for both your sakes.

Yes I'm sure you sacrificed much for your sons, thats what good Mums do after all. You provide, nurture and do the best for your children. Its then up to them to carry on with the good grounding thats been layed for them.

I tend to agree with you that your son may be suffering some form of mental illness, certainly there are many signs there. But we are not mental health professionals here and therefore cannot advise. I wish there was advice I could give you to approach this issue with him. Have you had a read of the resources that BB have to offer here on their website? Perhaps have a read of the sections "Facts" and check the relevant sub section, and also "Supporting Someone". You may find this helpful to yourself when it comes to dealing with your son, but it could also benefit him if you were to print out relevant sections and leave it around for him and his family to read.

As for having somewhere else to move. Is there any alternatives such as approaching a work colleague, even if it's for only a few days while you sort out a more permanent arrangement?

Of course you love your sons, and I feel sure they know that and love you just as much. To want what is best for them is very natural. This is a difficult situation for all of you to be in, and a quick transition into a new living arrangement sounds like the best option all round.

I wish you only the best Branka, and will call by later today, to check how you have got along.

Sherie xx

[loouuiiee]

Dear Branka,

I agree with you when you say that you need to be around people who are positive.

Go to social groups and don't tell your son, perhaps you can find ones that run in common areas (like the local library) so that if he demands to know where you have been you can honestly say you where at the library. Just lead him to believe that you were reading a book instead of making new friends if that will keep him happy,

I do still think you should reach out to your older son. He has asked you to tell him if your younger son is mistreating you and I know you said it caused more problems when you informed your older son of what is going on between you and your younger son, but obviously your elder son is concerned for you and cares about you.

He may be able to help you with finding somewhere else to live, but he cant help if he doesn't know what is going on.

Sherie's idea about perhaps asking a work colleague if you can stay with them for a few days or weeks is a great option also.

Try to remember that what is happening is just because of how your younger son is acting, it doesn't make him or you a bad person and it doesn't make you a bad parent either.

Everyone is just different and acts and responds in different ways.

The two of you co-existing in a living environment is just a bad combination that isn't working in favour for you and your health. the best thing is for you to talk about it with people who can help you and find a better alternative. You do not have to keep suffering. There is light at the end of the tunnel 🙂 keep going!

[Branka]

Hi

Things are getting progressively worse. My older son has completely cut off his support. I don't know my work mates well enough to ask for help. I really feel like I am on my own.

I feel like crying all the time and wonder is life worth all this hassle. I know you are all trying to help amd I thank you for your support and words of encouragement.

At the moment I feel extremely lost and lonely. It's so hard to be positive about anything. This afternoon on my way home from work I wondered what it would be like if I hurt myself. Really stupid thinking I know. I just hated the thought of going home and wondering what's waiting for me. I keep finding excuses to not go home.

I really need to toughen up I know but it's hard.

Branka xxx

[Croix]

Dear Branka~

I'm sorry things are this bad. I'm surprised, I had thought your elder son had argued on your behalf, maybe I misunderstood and there is more to it.

After last night have you thought about simply moving out? That can seem a very difficult thing to do, both emotionally and at the practical level, however there are crisis services available as you know.

I don't blame you for putting off going home, I would too under the circumstances.

Nobody on this earth should be driven to the extreme where they think of harming themselves. It is a big warning flag that something needs to be done straight away.

It's not that your thinking is stupid - it's not. Its poison from that house putting a very great strain on you. With that amount of stress many of us (me included) react that way thinking it might take our mind of things for a moment.

Would you like to say what you think might be a practical thing to do?

Croix