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Am I man enough?
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This is a really uncomfortable subject for me to be raising, one that I have drafted and deleted time and time again after only joining the BB site.As mentioned in my first and only thread I have been diagnosed with PTSD through a military operational triggering event.I have since realised that I have suffered depression and anxiety for 8 years prior to the diagnosis.I am 40 years old and am currently recovering from my second total hip replacement.I am married with 3 kids (6,4 and 2).Whilst I have opened up about my PTSD through this forum,there are other things going on in my mind (likely connected to the PTSD) that I need to get off my chest but feel so embarrassed and fear judgement in doing so.I have discussed this topic with my wife and whilst I do believe her response,I still have self doubt over her overall truthfulness-in her trying not to hurt me further.This is more likely my depression stopping me from seeing her truth,yet I am still suffering deeply with a lack of self confidence regardless of what she tells me.With all that has happened after my PTSD I don't feel like a strong man to her and now doubt I ever was even before.By this I mean physically more so than emotionally.We have been married now 12 years and I know she had a lot of partners before me and as a result of my PTSD,subsequent depression and recent hip surgeries I have zero self confidence in being her man.Without embarrassing myself to tears I feel inadequate in all departments of being a man anymore.I feel I fail her as a man both physically and mentally.
Mentallly comparing myself to what my wife's previous partners must've been like and the thought that I am nowhere near the man she had or wants is killing me.Before spilling my guts to her quite unintentionally I spent months without sleep,having horrible thoughts and visualisations-this all on top of fighting daily triggers and flashbacks of my PTSD.I am on ADs and seeking therapy for my PTSD,however this other somewhat embarrassing issue is really crushing me and it is something I find hard to raise in discussions with my wife again or even begin to talk to with my therapist-due to the fear of ridicule,embarrassment or the fact of being seen pathetic.Help,advice really needed. Ta.
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Good morning Navy Blue;
Firstly, you've not let me down. I want this to be clear ok? I believe in you because you have the courage and insight to identify and describe what you're feeling and going thru. Not everyone can do this. Having moments of clarity during and after your psych visit and then crashing, is a normal process with PTSD.
Your brain/body is recovering from massive trauma, therefore mental ups and downs will occur as a matter of course. Your body has the capacity to heal itself; time, gentleness and patience is crucial for this to happen.
Yes, I've been thru some debilitating trauma too, but what you've described is brutal and can't be compared. I put this question to you; 'If this had happened to another man, how would you support him?'
I'd like to suggest a book; 'Waking the Tiger - Healing Trauma' by Peter A Levine; North Atlantic Books. It's about healing trauma being a natural process for humans and animals alike. It helped me to look at myself from a biological standpoint. It complements psychological counselling and support for people who are interested in who and 'what' they are.
The following link, which you may already have, might lead to some support from those who've already gone thru your predicament.
http://www.army.gov.au/Army-life/Wounded-Injured-and-Ill-Digger/Support-tools-and-organisations
We on BB, care deeply about people. I'd like for you to have the maximum support possible with your specific area of PTSD. Please keep writing to us; getting it out of your system onto the screen with genuinely interested people can be healing in itself.
I truly empathise with you and your situation. I am in awe of your ability to push on and question yourself. You're obviously experiencing insurmountable confusion and mental anguish. Please find even 1 moment of peace each day and remember it as precious. Those moments will grow in time.
We like to encourage 'mindfulness' as a means of 'being in the moment'. Not the past or future, it really works. With practice, this process creates positive pathways in the brain, just like learning to drive a car. Eventually it becomes automatic.
I'm with you all the way Navy Man.
Kind and warm thoughts...Sara..hugs
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Hi Sara,
I am crying, crying a lot. I can't begin to thank you enough for firstly taking interest in my issues, especially with what must be going on in your own mind, but secondly for genuinely caring for me-someone you know so little about. I am gobsmacked at your mental strength and your amazing knowledge but not only these traits, but just how well you can communicate with such clarity it to me, particularly when I am in a clouded state. The question you ask "if this was to happen to another man how would I support him?" Clearly it seems quite simple and obvious to me, I couldn't. I am too caring, too sensitive too empathetic, I cannot therefore see possibly how I'd have the strength to assist someone with this much pain of failure. I guess this is why I am so grateful that you responded to my posts and entered a part of my life - as you have that gift, that strength to help, console, understand and empathise and provide the exact required support when it is crucially needed. Ah, I am so tired Sara, so very tired...I think the last time I recall sleeping, Jesus was in kindergarten... Just going to cry myself to sleep today as I am home alone and have the option of being able to do just this. I just wish for non disturbing dreams for a change. I will return to the forum again soon, maybe tomorrow afternoon, as my wife and consellor strongly urge me to return tomorrow for another group session. I therefore need rest as I am petrified and exhausted of even the thought of this... I will try and cuddle up,with even one of those warm hugs and kind thoughts you so generously offer and try and sleep or at least lie here with my eyes closed in a peaceful and safe place. Thank you again Sara for helping me through a particularly difficult day. Oh, random question without notice for the day... I am thinking of changing my profile name to Navy Man instead of Navy Blue... What do you think? You gave me the idea and strength to adopt it (by referring to me as it in several of your inspirational posts to me) and it did make me smile and feel good about myself, so would that be ok with you? Thank you for being you and as caring as you are all the same. I'd hate to think where I'd be today if not for your genuine caring support. Cheers NM xx
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Just beautiful Navy Man; many, many thanks..you too have made my day
(absolutely fine to use this name..go for it!)
Your post humbles me. Just so you know, I still struggle with complements. I will accept yours with pride and accomplishment though; you've given me something precious. I choose to believe you...and believe in myself.
How you'd support another man in your situation? If you read back over your own words, you've described yourself the same way you've described me; caring, empathy, sensitive. Just food for thought...
I pop in a couple of times a day to check on you and your progress. Your story and genuine need to recover and do what it takes to get there, inspires me. It's also that your words are so close to mine when life was unbearable for me, I dare not walk away; it isn't in me.
I have 'so' been there. The tiredness you speak of? "Sigh", I still have those days. But I recover quicker and more self aware. You're going to get there..I assure you Navy Man. Rest, recharge and learn to 'be'. I hope your GP has given you a good medication plan to complement the counselling. Sleep is absolutely essential! I find anti anxiety med's give a better quality sleep than others. Talk to your GP.
This too shall pass...
Tell yourself this every time life 'sucks', one moment at a time if necessary.
You're the man I spoke of supporting; the man in your mirror. You have it in you, I know you couldn't walk away from someone in pain as you are now.
I'm here...I will be as long as you need me.
Grateful sentiments...Sara..hugs and warm thoughts
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Hi Navy Man,
My heart goes out to you. I can not imagine the images you have entrenched in your mind. I don't know how a person goes about changing that, maybe you can't. Can you think about the people whom you have saved? There may be so many you do not even know about.
When the dark images hit you, try and think of those whom you have helped. Think of the children whom you have no doubt seen in the streets who have smiled at you, or who have been running around and having fun.
Think of your own children and the things that you enjoy doing with them. Plan activities and places where you can take them, make lists of things you would like to show them one day.
Attending another session of therapy may seem harrowing, sometimes we have to go through the really tough and horrible stuff to find the light at the other end. As Sara has mentioned, the journey can be difficult but it is worth it.
Crying is good. Please don't think of crying as not being manly. Who gives a toss about that! Tears are healing, cleansing and a natural part of being human. I read somewhere that tears actually release chemicals in the body that help a person feel better.
It can be hard at times to believe the positive statements people make about you. Write them down. Put them in a box or container and look at them when you need to be reassured. Tell yourself that you are a worthwhile person. That it is because you care so much that you hurt so much. Allow the love, care and concern of others to sink in.
Your soul is understandably hurting right now. You have experienced a living hell. You will need time to get through this. Accept the lows and take hold of the highs. Allow yourself to laugh and enjoy life when those days come your way. Don't feel guilty for being happy. You did all you could do for those people. They are now at peace. There will be no more war or horrors for them. They have been released from all of that.
Can someone look after the children so you can take your wife out? Even if it is just for a coffee.
Plan to do something different with the family. Make sandcastles at the beach. Fly a kite in a park. Have a picnic.
Watch cheerful kids movies or a comedy and remember what it is like to laugh.
Dear Navy Blue, many people here care for you, as do Sara and myself. Some people may be reading this but just don't know what to write. You are not alone.
Huge hugs to you from Dools
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Navy Blue, by reading what you have posted, a few things come to mind:
1) I reckon you have a red hot case of moral injury. It is when we cannot stop something from happening in front of us despite everything that we are trained to do. There was a really good article written in the Huffington Post about this. Have a read of it but be warned, it will trigger you so best to do this with your wife nearby to help you settle and have some settling techniques ready to go. Music etc is good for this.
http://projects.huffingtonpost.com/moral-injury
2) In twenty years of policing, I have done some really exceptional work on some very large operations as well as making a massive difference in peoples live for what is perceived to be low end offending, but to them it is high end. When i was going through my PTSD journey, I never thought i was any good at what i do. I was a failure and couldn't investigate diddly squat. I am now back to saying that i contributed significantly to the safety of the Victorian community. What i am saying here is, DO NOT bash yourself and think that you are worthless. Absolutely far from the truth. YOU did something that i reckon 20 million other Australians would not want to do and that is deploy to a conflict zone. That takes some serious courage to do and YOU did that.
PTSD is a marathon mate, it is not a sprint. You need to re-build your base as it has been wiped out by PTSD. Your resilience is drained, your confidence is gone and your self is highly damaged. I have just described what i was like but not anymore. I am currently sitting in a zone of complete peace within myself. Will it last? Who knows but i do know that my exercising, doing my mindfulness, eating well and continual clinical treatment, I am giving myself the best chance possible to remain in this state of peacefulness.
There is zero reason why you cannot do this as well. It is baby steps at the start, nothing more. Do not push yourself - there is no need to. Settle in to rebuilding the base and once that is done, then we move onto the next phase of recovery.
PTSD is a horrific injury that takes a massive toll. It makes out brains have really stupid thoughts and I can guarantee you that all the serious violence that takes place daily on earth, we can only control a small portion of it.
(end part one)
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(Part 2)
Groups like al Qaeda and more lately ISIS have zero regard for human life and will do atrocious things to other human beings just like what you have described above. This is where the moral injury comes into play. There is only so much we can do, we cannot fix everything.
I want you to watch the link below. Admiral William McRAVEN, fmr Navy SEAL and Commander of US SOC, JSOC and Seal Team 3. I have watched it a gazillion times. It outlines a set of rules that he goes by and i have lived by a few of them since I first watched it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pxBQLFLei70
PTSD is not a life sentence. What you are feeling now is the brunt of it, it will get better if you do the right things. As i said above, exercise, diet, mindfulness, clinical work and re-train your brain to not be so hard on yourself. You have done more than enough in your life, it is okay to sit back and coast for a while to get yourself right. You are severely injured by the theater of war, there are so many just like you so you are NOT alone.
Apologies if you have already said this but have you hooked into SoldierOn at all?
Keep with us, here to help.
Mark.
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Hi Navy, I've been reading these posts with awe. I'm so humbled and grateful to you for what you've done (look at those medals!) and impressed with your efforts to get well. And I'm in awe of the responses you have received, such insight and kindness - that's what you have brought out here.
Navy I don't feel I can add much other than to reinforce that recovery is often a two steps forward, one step back process, so don't feel you have failed if you relapse after a good period. It's part of the journey.
We care about you Navy, it's an honour to have you in our community, and we are here for you.
Kaz
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Hey Navy Man;
I take it by your absence today the visit with your psych may have been a bit rough or family life is in the fore. I hope you're at least a little settled. I send my best wishes till you return.
Mark, Mrs D and Kaz have joined forces to hold gentle hands under you while you convalesce to get through each day, and sometimes each moment. You know what I mean in this respect - yes?
Mark has told of his time within the Police Force and his PTSD, so I thought I might give you some insight into one of the issues I faced and how I survived.
I was violently raped by my de-facto at 21, a man I loved dearly. The Police said there was nothing they could do, my father was having a beer with him at the pub, and my mother asked me what I'd done to make him do that to me. My support was zero.
I stopped sleeping, looking after myself, and couldn't keep food and water down. I was broken and dying. In the weeks that followed my weight plummeted and deep heartfelt sobbing was my constant companion. My mum made me move in with her and encouraged me to eat small bites of food. But it always came back up again. I can't express in words what I went through NM. I was a vital and exuberant young woman with my life ahead of me, reduced to a deeply sad, empty, irrelevant and damaged 'body'.
How could I still be here? During one moment, I couldn't tell you when, something happened. I 'felt' a small urge to live. It wasn't about family, future or something spiritual; it was a primal instinct to 'survive'. I went to my GP and broke down. He hugged me and gently spoke in my ear; "I'm here for you. Everything's going to be fine"
He gave me med's to sleep and slowly, my brain began to repair itself. Sleep is essential! The rest is history. I didn't have counselling and relied on my mum for sustenance and company. When I was well enough, I got a job and created a goal to go on a cruise. I went on that cruise 18 months later.
All the situations I've faced in my life don't matter. It was listening to my 'will' to survive that set me apart from those who chose to self expire.
I am driven by my ability to take one breath at a time; I am valuable beyond comprehension, just because I was born.
Missing your words...Sara; hugs of support xo
