Am I man enough?

[Navy_Blue]

This is a really uncomfortable subject for me to be raising, one that I have drafted and deleted time and time again after only joining the BB site.As mentioned in my first and only thread I have been diagnosed with PTSD through a military operational triggering event.I have since realised that I have suffered depression and anxiety for 8 years prior to the diagnosis.I am 40 years old and am currently recovering from my second total hip replacement.I am married with 3 kids (6,4 and 2).Whilst I have opened up about my PTSD through this forum,there are other things going on in my mind (likely connected to the PTSD) that I need to get off my chest but feel so embarrassed and fear judgement in doing so.I have discussed this topic with my wife and whilst I do believe her response,I still have self doubt over her overall truthfulness-in her trying not to hurt me further.This is more likely my depression stopping me from seeing her truth,yet I am still suffering deeply with a lack of self confidence regardless of what she tells me.With all that has happened after my PTSD I don't feel like a strong man to her and now doubt I ever was even before.By this I mean physically more so than emotionally.We have been married now 12 years and I know she had a lot of partners before me and as a result of my PTSD,subsequent depression and recent hip surgeries I have zero self confidence in being her man.Without embarrassing myself to tears I feel inadequate in all departments of being a man anymore.I feel I fail her as a man both physically and mentally.

Mentallly comparing myself to what my wife's previous partners must've been like and the thought that I am nowhere near the man she had or wants is killing me.Before spilling my guts to her quite unintentionally I spent months without sleep,having horrible thoughts and visualisations-this all on top of fighting daily triggers and flashbacks of my PTSD.I am on ADs and seeking therapy for my PTSD,however this other somewhat embarrassing issue is really crushing me and it is something I find hard to raise in discussions with my wife again or even begin to talk to with my therapist-due to the fear of ridicule,embarrassment or the fact of being seen pathetic.Help,advice really needed. Ta.

[Navy_Blue]

Hello again Sara, thank god there are people as strong and caring in this world as you.I've returned from a session in which I reluctantly took my wife along with.I say reluctant as talking not only about my triggering events but the insecurities that go with it in front of her and the counsellor together, was one of the hardest things I have had to do - and this is coming from a 15+ year officer in the military! I broke down into tears, I was sweating and shaking. I wanted to be anywhere else but there in that room. I have never felt an emotional release quite like it, nor do I really want to feel it again any time soon. Turns out I am more of a man than I question myself to be. Having the emotions of guilt and failure that I felt that day during deployment,wishing I could've done more just means I care, genuinely care for others-even people I don't know.I HAVE to accept that I DID EVERYTHING that I could've done that day and more.I have to see that some things in life, no matter how f*#ked up they are,will be out of my control and showing/feeling hurt/failure in not being able to fix them only shows I am human or a MAN who cares deeply for others inspite of his own safety or wellbeing.I am not looking for hero status or gratitude, I just want my life to return to normal.Reliving the event time and time again I can never find an alternate action that would have changed the outcome.

 I cannot thank everyone here for their support.Cyber hugs warmly welcomed and are sent back to all and sundry in sweeping salvoes! I will remain in touch and would love for the same contact from you all as well.All the support,compassion and understanding means the world to me and it is taken as truly inspirational.Love NBx

[Just Sara]

You know what Navy man? It's not often I'm bought to tears or read such magnificent words of healing and self insight in such a short amount of time. But you've absolutely blown me out of the water! (Pardon the pun!)

I read every one of your words cheering and crying and yelling; "See...it works, it really works!" Bloody fantastic Navy Blue!!! Crutches and all...you're a legend!! 

Your wife? Well, she's a beautiful legend too! So's your psych and everyone who believes in you including me. I'm just stoked for you, I really am.

Your tears and sobbing are priceless; they 'knocked the cap off' yeah? But it's the self insight and believing the people who love you that matters. I hope one of those people is you. Ruminating may still occur, but now you have the rationale of reality, life will ease up for a while until your next lesson.

Thankyou from my heart for agreeing to keep tabs and continue with your recovery journey. It's not often people stay to let us follow their path of self discovery.

This is so exciting I could pee!

I consider myself a warrior because I've fought the good fight till it nearly ended me. As history shows,

They went with songs to the battle, they were young.
Straight of limb, true of eye, steady and aglow.
They were staunch to the end against odds uncounted,
They fell with their faces to the foe.

Laurence Binyon (Exert from the Ode of Remembrance)

I don't want to be remembered as someone who 'fell' without the good fight and I'm sure you don't either.

At the going down of the sun..'we' will be remembered..

..for our gallantry and courage..we're still here Navy man...

Love...Sara (Mega hugs)

[Navy_Blue]

Hello Dools, again thank you for listening and making me feel that I am not a burden or seen as pathetic for expressing my issues. Thank you for noting my writing skills,must stem from recent graduation of ADF Senior Officer Staff College!Something good to take away from my service history I guess.You hit the nail on the head when you said I seem like a deeply caring guy.I am, I have always been seen as too sensitive, too empathetic and caring - I guess traits that go against the norm in military service or manly behaviour in general.I can't change the way I am nor do I wish to. I do however desire to learn how to switch off pain, erase my flashbacks and the guilt that goes with them.How to cease selfblame and not develop or enhance insecurities. If anyone who reads this has SOPs (Standard Operating Procedures) on how to do all the above please send them through.Just blocking out flashbacks whilst playing with my children without unleashing any anger or a scary side of dad in front of them is so challenging,demanding and exhausting. All this while recovering from major surgery is taking its toll on me physically,mentally and emotionally. I'm not here for a woe is me,oh give him a hug type of thing,as I read things that Sara for example has endured and it makes my situation look insignificant. As a loving caring protective parent I am sickened and angered beyond words to hear of her stories. If I could change all the darkness, hatred and evil in the world I would,believe me,I would do it in a heartbeat.I read your stories Dools and I am emotionally hurt by empathising in the pain you must go through like Sara on a daily basis.I live in hope that I will become a stronger man and in doing so be able to help and save others from the pain myself and good people like yourselves are going through.I am tired and will try and write more later. Again thank you for everything.

[geoff]

hi Navy Blue, I do understand how you feel by your hip operations, because I was self employed when I had my car accident so I lost my business where I had 6 months work in front of me but I also was suffering from depression and now any work in what I used to love, well, I don't want to do any of it again.
I would never ever believed that I would feel this way, but unfortunately that's what has happened. Geoff.

[Kazzl]

Hi Navy Blue - I've just read through this thread. I too want to thank you for your service to the country and acknowledge the personal price you've paid.

You have put your life on the line for others, have the ability to lead, the compassion to care for your people, the ability to love your wife and children deeply and to be a good husband and father, and the courage (and it takes real courage) to share your emotions and seek help when you're suffering.

Lordy fella! Are you man enough? Mate you should give lessons!

Seriously Navy Blue, I was thrilled to get to the last posts here and learn of the great things you're hearing about yourself. Believe them! Especially what your wife says. You are a fine man indeed.

Kaz

[Doolhof]

Dear Navy Blue,

I agree with all the comments and sentiments others have shared. As hard as it was for you, it is wonderful you were able to open up to the counsellor with your wife present. No doubt she has been wondering how best to help and support you. Now she has a better understanding of things you have endured.

The compassion and care you have within you is to be applauded. The world needs more people who are willing to reach out and help others no matter what.

It must be a small relief to realise there was nothing else you could have done to save the lives of the people you tried to help. Holding onto blame and guilt can destroy your soul. So much of what happens on a battlefield must surely be out of anyone's control.

For me the most important thing you can do for your children is to constantly tell them that you love them. They will be too young at the moment to understand what you have been through. It may be beneficial to tell them that part of you is sick, that it has nothing to do with them, and that sometimes you become angry and scary even though that is not how you want to be.

Children need reassurance. They need to feel secure. Don't we all!

Once again I echo everyone's sentiments here, you are certainly man enough. Embrace the man you are now. None of us can go back to how we were even yesterday, the excellent thing is that we can be who we are today and be proud of that fact!

I'm sending you more cyber hugs and a huge congratulatory pat on the back for being willing to take this journey of healing and change.

Huge cheers to you and all who partake of this journey, from Dools

[Navy_Blue]

Hello Kaz, thank you so much for those supportive comments.I have been reading them over and over again trying to take them as a compliment and slowly rebuild confidence in myself, from the foundation of love, support and security that has been laid by my family and supporters like yourselves on here on BB.I am still mentally drained by yesterday's session and in some stupid way having self doubt over some of the positive things said about me.I am trying to shut these negative thoughts out, believing it is just the depression making me think along these line.Or maybe it's just the mental fatigue from yesterday not giving me the strength to engage and neutralise these thoughts.

I went to bed last night only to wake after some awful dreams and flashbacks to be back in that sh*t awful place where I was yesterday - before the joint session. I guess here is where the battle that Sara mentioned of adopting self insight, believing those who love me wouldn't lie just to comfort me,comes into play.I can't demand constant reaffirmation on this apparent "untrue" insecurity for the rest of my life surely?That is unrealistic and unfair on my wife.I just don't understand, I was so relieved, had such a warm glow in my heart and felt genuinely happy hearing her comments not even 24 hours ago.

I am a people pleaser,I hate to fail and I hate to disappoint-my counsellor clearly stated this trait of mine.Maybe this is me caring so deeply about pleasing my wife by abiding by societies rules  and I see this issues as making up for my failures as a man that fateful horrific day?Please tell me this is the PTSD talking and I will go back to how I thought and felt yesterday-knowing/believing I am more than adequate for my wife like she said.I'm scared this is going to be a constant battle for ever,unless I finally rid the PTSD demons of failure and the obvious false insecurities of being small that coincide.I feel like a tourism motto "happy and confident one day,sh*thouse the next"!I want off this roller coaster it is making me feel sick.Going backwards

[Kazzl]

Hiya Navy Blue

I don't think you are going backwards mate, I think you're having a very normal reaction to letting out a whole lot of difficult personal stuff. I think most people here would have experienced similar after an emotionally difficult session.

It's a very hard thing to do. We feel vulnerable, we have to trust our partners and our professionals with our most intimate and deep fears and doubts, it's a leap of faith. And even though we feel relieved afterwards because of the release and no longer having to hold something secret, it's not long before the doubts reappear and vulnerability emerges again. I've been through it too.

I think if we accept that talking therapy (which is one of the best forms of treatment for PTSD) is often a process of two steps forward, one step back, then we start to see that there is progress overall. It's a bit like building muscles I guess, you have to work them hard and tear them first, but eventually the pain gives way to greater strength.

Keep going Navy, this is possibly the hardest and most worthwhile thing you'll ever do, because in time you will heal and you will have your beautiful family and they will have their man and their dad. Nothing is more important. Believe them, and believe in yourself.

Cheering you on from the sidelines

Kaz

[sensitiveswan]

Hi Navy Blue,

I'm so sorry for everything you're going through. I can only imagine how it must feel to be in combat and have flash backs. I have never been in that situation, but I can relate as far as being a hypersensitive, over-empathising person, as that is also what drives my depression, guilt, and 'am I enough?' thoughts. I have mild PTSD, but have not gone through anything as bad as you or Sara. I think you are both heroes.

You ARE a man NavyBlue. 12 years is a long time to be married, and I'm sure your wife married you because she loves you. It's great she dated a lot of men before you - she got to know exactly what she wanted - a sensitive, caring man like you!! I know I married my husband for who he is, and there is nothing better than when your man lets you in and tells you how he is feeling. That is true intimacy. That is marriage. Everyone wants to feel needed and useful - let your wife be your rock for a while. There is nothing unmanly about that, and it may even speed up your recovery. Instead of thinking of it as being a burden, try thinking of it as helping her feel important and to feel that you trust her. That you are going through all this and choosing to share it with her - there is no bigger honour!

Do you think you could get your wife to write a letter to you, stating why she thinks you're special, why she loves you, why she married you, happy memories etc. and then when you are feeling that horrible self-doubt, you can read the letter (instead of feeling like you are demanding constant reassurrance) and remind yourself that way?

The roller-coaster definitely sucks and I really hope it is not long before the ups are a lot longer than the downs. Keep talking on here as much as you need. I definitely do not find it pathetic!!!! I think it is very brave, and you may even be helping other people going through similar things.

Big cyber hugs to you x

[Just Sara]

Hey and welcome Sensitiveswan;

I'm sure Navy Blue will gain great insight from your post; it was lovely. Thankyou for your wisdom and kind words.

Hi Kaz!

As usual, your beautiful gift of wise, purposeful and practical magic comes to the rescue. Navy Blue has assets unknown in the 'physical' community here on BB and is well deserving of our support ta-boot.

Navy Man;

In my last post I referenced the Ode to Remembrance. After signing of the Armistice Treaty in 1918, the terms of peace were fought out in a locked room with ally rep's from each country. Long story short, the last issue to be dealt with was compensation for the 'fallen'...What is a man's worth?

This question was so difficult to answer; there were only a few men left to determine the outcome after many others couldn't engage anymore and went home. The importance of that debate however, is more relevant than the amount agreed upon for each family to receive.

Considering your worth re your service and contribution to your country, is valid. But your worth to your wife, children, extended family and even your community, has no monetary value equal.

In the armed service, duty, protocol, chain of command, rules, regulations and hierarchy is the premise behind survival. At home, 'choice' and 'options' and, consequences without an authority to be held accountable to, must seem foreign and new. Doubting yourself is par for the course, I know this first hand.

My family home was my war zone, as were many of the situations I confronted. My recovery depended solely on 'me'. Yes, I had my supporters, but at the end of the day (the going down of the sun) it had to be me who forged a new path with new rules, new purpose, and a new sense of confidence and 'self'.

BeyondBlue has given me purpose replacing my career (now medically retired) and renewed/validated my sensitivities, empathy and caring for others. It appeared at a time my 'worth' was so depleted, I felt lost beyond words. Being a sensitive man is soulful and rare; embrace it..please.

I thought about what I 'wanted' to be instead of what I 'thought' I'd lost. I was willing to do whatever it took to become that; I still am.

This is your personal journey of self discovery dealing with collateral damage. I'm here to guide and support you through the quagmire.

Kind and warm thoughts...Sara (Comforting hugs)