Am I man enough?

Navy_Blue · ‎23-10-2016

This is a really uncomfortable subject for me to be raising, one that I have drafted and deleted time and time again after only joining the BB site.As mentioned in my first and only thread I have been diagnosed with PTSD through a military operational triggering event.I have since realised that I have suffered depression and anxiety for 8 years prior to the diagnosis.I am 40 years old and am currently recovering from my second total hip replacement.I am married with 3 kids (6,4 and 2).Whilst I have opened up about my PTSD through this forum,there are other things going on in my mind (likely connected to the PTSD) that I need to get off my chest but feel so embarrassed and fear judgement in doing so.I have discussed this topic with my wife and whilst I do believe her response,I still have self doubt over her overall truthfulness-in her trying not to hurt me further.This is more likely my depression stopping me from seeing her truth,yet I am still suffering deeply with a lack of self confidence regardless of what she tells me.With all that has happened after my PTSD I don't feel like a strong man to her and now doubt I ever was even before.By this I mean physically more so than emotionally.We have been married now 12 years and I know she had a lot of partners before me and as a result of my PTSD,subsequent depression and recent hip surgeries I have zero self confidence in being her man.Without embarrassing myself to tears I feel inadequate in all departments of being a man anymore.I feel I fail her as a man both physically and mentally.

Mentallly comparing myself to what my wife's previous partners must've been like and the thought that I am nowhere near the man she had or wants is killing me.Before spilling my guts to her quite unintentionally I spent months without sleep,having horrible thoughts and visualisations-this all on top of fighting daily triggers and flashbacks of my PTSD.I am on ADs and seeking therapy for my PTSD,however this other somewhat embarrassing issue is really crushing me and it is something I find hard to raise in discussions with my wife again or even begin to talk to with my therapist-due to the fear of ridicule,embarrassment or the fact of being seen pathetic.Help,advice really needed. Ta.

Doolhof · ‎08-12-2016

Hi Navy Guy and All,

WORDS can be amazing. Hopefully other people reading this thread will find encouragement, empowerment and realise people are out there willing to help and support them.

Hope you are doing okay Navy Guy. How is the hip?

Have you managed to rig up a cart yet for one of your cattle to pull you around the garden?

In our region we have a couple who have a huge horse that pulls along a wagon. They go camping on the back roads. Sounds like fun to me.

Cheers all from Mrs. Dools

Navy_Blue · ‎10-12-2016

Hi Mrs Dools, thanks as always for checking in on my progress. Things aren't so rosey here at the moment. I just posted another two thousand five hundreder on Mark JT's thread on PTSD and poor concentration-don't really feel like rehashing my issue again,sorry, I'm tired from not sleeping and generally flat & feeling once again overwhelmed by everything. Usually this time of year is magical for my wife and I with the kids. Not so this year for a swagger of reasons I guess. We are off interstate soon for Christmas at home with my family only now my wife wants time alone and no longer wants to come. Haven't broached the issue with kids yet,but will need to soon as they will be clearly devastated and confused at the same time. I can't seem to get much more, in terms of reasoning out of my wife than she is over it all.. We went from sharing a lovely date night together, sharing intamacy for the first time in a long time to only days later how we are now. I know it is because of me and all the issues that just keep on coming one after the other, however her term over it all referred to the children as well - which not only upset me but surprised me too. Not sure where it goes to from here. She's moved to the spare room which is like a dagger to my heart. It's the kids I am worried about. Needless to say my PTSD related depression and feeling of blame and self worthlessness has nose dived into a flat spin worse than Maverick's that killed Goose! I will again try and talk to my wife today about everything, hard to find time with the kids around, and see if we can resolve any underlying issues she has or at least come up with a strategy for our way of dealing with our so called Christmas holiday. I've been up since 0400, without sleeping much before that anyway. Kids are surfacing now, so it is happy face on and crack on with the weekend. I will try and check in again soon, hope you are well and I am sorry to vent all this crap your way after you wrote such a simple caring post asking after me. All my love and hugs and kisses NB

Doolhof · ‎10-12-2016

Hi Navy Guy,

Venting is a good thing. I'm really sorry to read that your relationship has taken a nose dive with your wife. Is there any chance you can make a joint Drs. appointment to discuss things with him/her? This time of year is a real horrid time to try and connect with outside help. Use the phone help lines if you need to. I did a couple of days ago, the lady I chatted with was very helpful.

My husband and I have had separate beds for ages, now separate rooms. I hate it. It is his choice. We live a parallel life. I totally understand the feelings you have around this.

Unfortunately, I have no idea how you manage to fix things. I have settled with an empty marriage. Neither of us can afford to leave each other, so we are stuck in this situation. I just try to make the most of what I do have.

Do you know if your wife has been to see her Dr about how she is feeling? She too could be suffering from some kind of depression, over load, exhaustion, over tiredness and so on.

With Christmas fast approaching, even more pressure and stress must be piling on top of you right now wanting to get this all sorted. What ever happens, it is important the children know they are not to blame.

If you do end up seeing your family for Christmas with the children, keep in touch with your wife, send her text messages telling her you love her, trying not to add any blame, guilt or what ever. Have the children phone her or send text messages as well.

A girl friend of mine has issues with her son not keeping in touch. She is now texting him, telling him she loves him and misses him and requesting he makes time to catch up with her. The saying hello and thinking of you is great, no one needs the guilt trip of feeling required to keep in touch.

It does sound like your wife needs a break right now. As hard as it is, it might be the best thing for you all. It is such a shame it is all happening at Christmas time. This time of year can be stressful enough.

I will take your hugs and kisses, thankyou very much and return them back to you as well. Life can suck. I get that!

I don't know what else to suggest. Wish I had a magic want to wave to make all the pain disappear!

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

Croix · ‎10-12-2016

Dear Navy Blue (& Mrs NB if she likes)

I’m sad to hear of the latest developments though it’s not a surprise. I found the situation is a massive ongoing blow to the whole family and your wife is right in the front line. It of course affects all of her life, not just her relationship with you. She’s in a strange new world she never anticipated and can have as much trouble dealing with it as you do. Feeling at the moment over-it-all means all. All the parts of her life she has to deal with, which includes the kids, her in-laws, travel, Christmas, and everything - as well as handling the losses she now faces

Perhaps the good time together the other day has brought home to her how much things have changed and she’s feeling it, perhaps tiredness, perhaps no relief in sight from a long journey, perhaps other matters she’s put a happy face on in the past now are just too much effort. I’m guessing

If I was in her shoes I’d probably not know what was the best thing to do or how to fix things, even for herself, plus there'd be anger. Instinct in unhappy situations can demand more space, even if only to get some peace and breathing room

Both my late and present wives find Christmas to be a highly stressful time and both wished it was at most bi-annual with at least two thirds of the relations permanently stranded in a pilots’ airstrike - plus a moratorium on presents

Memory/concentration performance in the other thread could be a side-issue at the moment and for me there would be no percentage in worrying about it right now.

Here trying to deal with a fluid unhappy situation when blaming oneself and tired is not ideal. It’s easy to say things that are ill-considered or to try to force the pace.

Does your wife have a mother, sister or other person who can give her a bit of unconditional love from outside?

- NB don't read this -

Dear Mrs Navy Blue

Have you considered telling your story in a beyondblue forum - using anonymity to set out your feelings & problems (and getting your husband to promise not to seek it out). There's also the 1300 hotline

You can say anything & if you happened to feel you might put yourself in a bad light you'd be wrong. There is warmth & empathy here for all, and the same paths have already been trodden by many

If privacy is a concern get your own computer/tablet for Xmas

- NB you can continue now -

My apologies if either of you think my suggestion inappropriate or I'm intruding

My very best wishes to you both

Croix

Croix · ‎10-12-2016

Dear Mrs Dools

If you happen to find that wand can I have a lend please?

Croix

Doolhof · ‎12-12-2016

Hi Croix,

Darn it, no I haven't found that wand yet. My hippy friend might be able to make me one though. Not sure how effective it will be. Might end up giving everyone dread locks just like hers. Very colourful they are!

I will keep looking though!

Croix · ‎12-12-2016

Dear Mrs Dools

I think that if your hippy your friend does provide you with a wand you are supposed to say

"A La Peanut-butter Sandwiches" as you brandish it. This seems to work quite satisfactorily for The Amazing Mumford in Sesame Street.

Croix (-Harry Potter eat your heart out)

Doolhof · ‎13-12-2016

Hi Navy Guy,

We seem to have hijacked your post and taken it on a different tangent! Please know this is being done in a sense of fun and not at all to devalue your struggles or anyone elses. You are always most welcome to share how you are feeling here. This is just a little diversion.

I do so hope you are able to sort a few things out at home and also hope your healing on all levels is progressing.

CROIX, you reminded me of another funny situation. I assisted the elderly in their homes. One lady allowed me to use her broom for about 6 months before she thought I would be safe with the vacuum cleaner! I had to bite my tounge .

It was a big enough battle getting to use her broom. I don't know how she expected me to clean her floor. I was going to tell her I wanted the broom to sweep with not to go flying on! (It was funny at the time)

A magic want and anti guilt pills...that would be a good combination!

Cheers, Mrs. Dools

aegidius · ‎08-02-2017

"Not man enough" can be a tough one when it sneaks under your skin. I would ordinarily laugh that off except when it comes from my wife, who had a rather macho father to compare me unfavourably with (as were many in the 40/50/60's)

I remind myself, not always successfully, that I have not let anyone down or failed anyone. It's a big ask to believe this sometimes. And of course I don't blame my wife - these feelings existed long before she came along), and she understands my position now. I do not for a second compare my experiences to anyone who has served in the military, either.

If you think about it a bit, "man enough" really doesn't mean anything. It's just words that set you up to fail.