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Am I man enough?
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This is a really uncomfortable subject for me to be raising, one that I have drafted and deleted time and time again after only joining the BB site.As mentioned in my first and only thread I have been diagnosed with PTSD through a military operational triggering event.I have since realised that I have suffered depression and anxiety for 8 years prior to the diagnosis.I am 40 years old and am currently recovering from my second total hip replacement.I am married with 3 kids (6,4 and 2).Whilst I have opened up about my PTSD through this forum,there are other things going on in my mind (likely connected to the PTSD) that I need to get off my chest but feel so embarrassed and fear judgement in doing so.I have discussed this topic with my wife and whilst I do believe her response,I still have self doubt over her overall truthfulness-in her trying not to hurt me further.This is more likely my depression stopping me from seeing her truth,yet I am still suffering deeply with a lack of self confidence regardless of what she tells me.With all that has happened after my PTSD I don't feel like a strong man to her and now doubt I ever was even before.By this I mean physically more so than emotionally.We have been married now 12 years and I know she had a lot of partners before me and as a result of my PTSD,subsequent depression and recent hip surgeries I have zero self confidence in being her man.Without embarrassing myself to tears I feel inadequate in all departments of being a man anymore.I feel I fail her as a man both physically and mentally.
Mentallly comparing myself to what my wife's previous partners must've been like and the thought that I am nowhere near the man she had or wants is killing me.Before spilling my guts to her quite unintentionally I spent months without sleep,having horrible thoughts and visualisations-this all on top of fighting daily triggers and flashbacks of my PTSD.I am on ADs and seeking therapy for my PTSD,however this other somewhat embarrassing issue is really crushing me and it is something I find hard to raise in discussions with my wife again or even begin to talk to with my therapist-due to the fear of ridicule,embarrassment or the fact of being seen pathetic.Help,advice really needed. Ta.
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Dear Navy Blue,
Thanks for replying, I was worried I’d made things harder for you. I’ll follow your invitation and stick my two pennies’ worth in again as my experiences do indeed seem to largely parallel yours, though a lot longer ago.
I’m pretty sure you know all this intellectually anyway, but hearing it from others may help you ‘believe’.
As far as seeing yourself as being the one doing a lot of taking in your marriage: I definitely did, my wife was a nurse, worked, looked after our child and looked after me, and she did indeed have to ‘walk on eggshells’ too.
At the time I felt extremely guilty and a great burden on the family. That combined with my confused mental state meant that I considered all sorts of inadvisable actions.
It was not an easy life for my wife. I ran her ragged and there’s no denying she was hard pressed. However I am now absolutely certain she loved and treasured me throughout and felt useful and competent and able to take the load on her shoulders.
She repeatedly told me this both then and later on throughout our time together - I do confess I only sort of half believed her until very much later.
Then the boot was on the other foot. I looked after her during her prolonged illness and I can truthfully say she was never a burden - actually this time it was she who was worrying about being one. I may have been hard pressed in my turn but we were facing something together as a unit and I found it was both a release and great help to me to look after her.
I was going to stop here then I got to thinking about the ‘self-conscious monster’ thing – you do yourself a great injustice. I found mental anguish hurts worse than anything and being the victim of an injury of that magnitude (either physical or mental) means you simply have no choice but have it dominate your life and thoughts until healing occurs. It may be very different from your normal way of thinking but it's both natural and to be expected.
My best wishes to you, your family and all,
Croix
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Hi Everyone,
My brain seems a bit tired today, so I will just write to you all together. My Dr. has me on a new medication to help with a physical ailment. One side effect is tiredness the other is nausea. ( I am loosing a little weight so that is a good thing!)
Back to words, Navy Guy, depending on how some people are on a particular day, no matter what words you use, they can be offended by them due to their mental health issues. Well meaning words/actions/communication can easily be misconstrued.
I sent my Mum a letter with beautiful parrots on the paper. Mum sent an abusive letter back stating how dare I send her paper with birds on it when the birds were eating the fruit off their fruit trees! To me Mum's comments were totally irrational, to Mum they were legitimate.
Guess what I am trying to say, is we all just need to be ourselves on the forum. Yes, we can watch our P's and Q's, but someone may still be offended regardless.
The main thing to me is that we can help and support each other. We can learn from each other, share what works or what we are struggling with, and to realise it does not matter how large or small an issue may seem, they are all issues.
My mind has gone blank! Time for a coffee!
Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools
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Hi Navy Guy,
Regarding the chooks. One hen had a very swollen crop that was full of "water". Contacting an on line vet and Dr. Google, I discovered that the crop can become clogged especially if the hen eats long grass. The remedy was to help the hen to vomit out the water, give her apple cider vinegar in her water and something else I have already forgotten the name of injected into her mouth.
I think the chook had problems at the other end as well. Maybe she was egg bound. Needless to say, the poor darling progressively became worse. As I mentioned earlier, taking the chook to a vet is not an option as far as my husband is concerned.
A bit more background on that, we were moving house once, unknown to me, my husband took my cat and had her put to sleep as he did not want her in the new house!
He didn't like my canaries so gave them to his mate. He made such a fuss about them, it was easier to let them go.
One time I was so ill, I asked my husband to take me to the Dr. He suggested I had a shower and a cup of tea. I phoned my sister. She took me to the hospital. I was so dehydrated, I was vomiting bile and was placed on a drip for 4 days.
I believe my husband has some kind of Asperger's as well as his mental health issues of depression and goodness knows what else.
Back to the chook, my husband wouldn't even go down to look at the chook or offer any suggestions. The poor dear was miserable one morning, so I called a friend who helped dispatch of the chook.
The second one I didn't even realise she was so ill. I had noticed she wasn't eating as much as usual. When I picked her up she was all skin and bones and just hung there. I tried to encourage her to eat, but nothing seemed to work. So sadly she has been saved from suffering any further as well.
I don't think I will be getting any more pets in a hurry!
The last two chooks look healthy enough for now.
Rest in peace dear chooky la las.
From Mrs. Dools
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Dear Mrs Dools, I am rather gobsmacked & disturbed at your above post,particularly regarding you cat & your requierment to be clearly hospitalised to go unforeseen by your husband.None of my business I know,but upsetting to me all the same.Not sure if I mentioned it to you in previous posts but yes cider vinegar & a solution called Kilverm has assisted us in many a chook ailment.I have written in some detail as I usually do with my entire 2500 characters in my other thread about what is going on with me/us as a family.Not all positive sadly.That said a close family friend to my wife arrived yesterday to stay for 5 days.It was unannounced to me,but I think my wife organised it more for her help and sanity-which I'm truly hoping might give my wife & I the time needed together to work through some things or say some things that obviously need to be said (without the constant interruption of "dad can you fix my music box, it's broken and I need it working right now",or "mum, I can't find my favourite t-shirt,I can't go on living without it,please can you find it..."I think you get what I mean.I guess the feelings of anger and resentment I am seeing/feeling from my wife toward me and sending me back further into my shell,the shell that took me six years to come out if before.I know communication is the key but I have run out of explanations regarding PTSD and its effects on me.I'm sure my wife is quite sick of hearing these PTSD excuses I kept harping on about.I need her to read up on the effects of PTSD and what it can do to people and how it can cause them to act.She has only heard brief quips about it from our counselling sessions-does anyone know a great website that explains PTSD to a carers point of view?Even if I can forward her a link (she loves reading),this would help me out of the hurt locker I found myself in once again.I have tried searching,some sites are ok,but I'm hoping there is one out there that sums it all up clearly and concisely so she can better understand exactly what I'm battling everyday.Any links to websites or suggested books-she loves borrowing from the library would be greatly appreciated.Off to rest,I have never felt this tired in my life,not even when I was doing 20 hour days work on deployment go figure???I hope this email finds you well and I look forward to hearing from you again soon. Oh,before I forget I have not heard from Sara Conor in a while,I do hope she is ok.If you know how to message her,please send my regards.❤️NB
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Hi Navy Guy,
Sorry to read that life is not so rosy in your home right now. Hopefully the guest will be just the ticket for all of you. It can be surprising what a fresh face about the place can be like!
Mental health issues are hard enough for the person suffering from it to understand, let alone bystanders. Both my husband and I have depression and other issues. I try to be supportive of his problems, but he is not always able to cope or comprehend when I am suffering.
Maybe your wife is a little frustrated because she can't fix you.
Each of us come to a point where we are just tired and exhausted and don't feel like we can cope any more. Maybe your wife is feeling drained by everything and just doesn't have the capacity to be her usual self right now.
When both people in a partnership are struggling, there is no one there to help prop you up.
Is there something special you can organise or do for your wife that will provide her with an element of happiness and thankfulness. I'm not sure what, hopefully you can think of something.
Are there family members close by who could look after the children so you two can have a date?
Is it possible to hire a cleaner even if it is once a month to do the heavier stuff around the house?
I personally have trouble with finding info on Google. I have no idea why you get something like Volcanoes coming up on the screen when you are looking for cat breeds. It does my head in sometimes! Ha. Ha. I'm not able to suggest any site on PTSD at the moment.
Does your library have a computer link up system? Somehow my husband can request books through the net and the library lets him know when the book is in. Your library might have a similar system.
Regarding Sara, I will leave try to contact her and send on your message.
This time of year can be very busy/horrid/hectic/crazy for lots of people. Hopefully Sara is not unwell, just busy.
This is all a bit disjointed tonight. The old brain box is tired! Ha. Ha.
Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools
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HI Navy Guy,
I checked out Google. There are a few good sites available to help parents talk tot heir children at PTSD. One was even linked to Veterans.
I'm sure you will find some beneficial information there.
Just a quick message for now.
Cheers, from Mrs. Dools
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Hi again Navy Man;
I'm still here, though not up to par I guess.
I would like to explain something to you I only just realised. It's an honest account of why I haven't spent time posting to you.
In my last reply above somewhere, I responded to the humour in your words. It was a relief and pleasure to write back with laughter as my backdrop. But when you next posted, you didn't acknowledge me due to being extremely upset and discouraged.
This isn't a bad thing; for me though, the emotional investment I put into you and your plight, took a lot out of me personally. It's a learning curve to be honest. The tears and heartfelt support I gave came from a place so real, I didn't know how to deal with it.
Please don't take this personally; my role as peer supporter comes with many challenges. Learning about boundaries is of course a major factor necessary for my own survival to continue being the best I can be. As an individual, helping others brings value and worth. Your first post touched me so deeply. I did what I could to be the person you needed to pull you thru.
The humour I spoke of and the knowledge of it's value to PTSD sufferers, makes it difficult sometimes when my efforts just don't seem enough. I started a thread this week to encourage people to share funny events in their lives. The thread died; it disappointed me and unknowingly gave me a reality check re this site and its meaning to me. What I've been trying to promote, is about me needing laughter to treat my own PTSD.
My life goes on; I don't post about my issues much anymore because my support to others has taken priority. I was originally like you, and this I feel drew me towards you. This weekend I'm taking time for me, to lick my wounds after some family problems of my own and to re-evaluate my role here.
I'd like to add, I feel a little like your wife. I say this with all due respect. As peer supporters, we give our all to assist people to help themselves back to health. Sometimes, as with me, this can take its toll. Your wife wants to see she has 'achieved' as your carer, wife and mother of your kids. Wanting so badly to help you heal and watch you over and again fall down, is distressing and can break spirits.
Carers need help too. There are support groups and resources available so she can have time off to remember who she is as an individual...so important!
I hope my honesty is appreciated and understood...Sara xo
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