Am I man enough?

[Navy_Blue]

This is a really uncomfortable subject for me to be raising, one that I have drafted and deleted time and time again after only joining the BB site.As mentioned in my first and only thread I have been diagnosed with PTSD through a military operational triggering event.I have since realised that I have suffered depression and anxiety for 8 years prior to the diagnosis.I am 40 years old and am currently recovering from my second total hip replacement.I am married with 3 kids (6,4 and 2).Whilst I have opened up about my PTSD through this forum,there are other things going on in my mind (likely connected to the PTSD) that I need to get off my chest but feel so embarrassed and fear judgement in doing so.I have discussed this topic with my wife and whilst I do believe her response,I still have self doubt over her overall truthfulness-in her trying not to hurt me further.This is more likely my depression stopping me from seeing her truth,yet I am still suffering deeply with a lack of self confidence regardless of what she tells me.With all that has happened after my PTSD I don't feel like a strong man to her and now doubt I ever was even before.By this I mean physically more so than emotionally.We have been married now 12 years and I know she had a lot of partners before me and as a result of my PTSD,subsequent depression and recent hip surgeries I have zero self confidence in being her man.Without embarrassing myself to tears I feel inadequate in all departments of being a man anymore.I feel I fail her as a man both physically and mentally.

Mentallly comparing myself to what my wife's previous partners must've been like and the thought that I am nowhere near the man she had or wants is killing me.Before spilling my guts to her quite unintentionally I spent months without sleep,having horrible thoughts and visualisations-this all on top of fighting daily triggers and flashbacks of my PTSD.I am on ADs and seeking therapy for my PTSD,however this other somewhat embarrassing issue is really crushing me and it is something I find hard to raise in discussions with my wife again or even begin to talk to with my therapist-due to the fear of ridicule,embarrassment or the fact of being seen pathetic.Help,advice really needed. Ta.

[Doolhof]

Hi Sara,

Having this forum and this safe place to share our brokenness can be so healing and therapeutic. Congratulations to you for managing to get back onto your feet, to learn to live again, to overcome.

I understand your experience. My first husband used to find great pleasure in sexually abusing me in front of his friends. When I made any kind of complaint he would bash me. It was even more violent when his friends were not around. When I tried to leave, he would bash me. In the end I escaped when he went to the hotel to buy more beer.

He tried to strangle me, stuck me with a knife and held a loaded double barrelled shotgun to my head a few times. I called out to family and friends for help and they all ignored me. I think they were all too afraid of what might happen to them if they intervened.

So I hear you Sara, loud and clear. Over time I have managed to deal with the memories and try to not allow them to interfere with my life now. My mind has its own ideas. Posts like yours do certainly trigger the memories.

Courageous lady, I wish you well on your continued journey of life. We never know what demons and hurtful thoughts and images others have to carry every day.

If you would like a supportive hug, here is one for yo.

Cheers form Mrs. Dools

[Doolhof]

Hi Navy Blue,

Like Sara I am hoping you are okay and safe.

If you don't feel like writing right now that is okay, you need to do what is beneficial and right for you.

Just know you have a lot of support and caring people here hoping you are doing okay.

The journey of mental health issues is not always easy. There can be many bends in the road and huge pot holes and rut to climb out of. Let alone landslides. You can turn the corner though and walk in the sunshine again.

Counselling can be tough. You can feel like your very heart and soul have been ripped out of you. It can help to release the hurt, the pain, shame, doubts and fears as well. One moment you can feel euphoric for being able to release so much, then it is like you have a void that may soon fill with doubt.

Move past all of that. Learn to fill your heart and soul with light and peace.

Thinking of you, cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[MarkJT]

Bloody hell girls, talk about tough women. I dip my lid to you for what you have been through and yet, here you are, extremely powerful in your status. Your voices are just so so powerful. It is amazing what you do - I am completely mind blown by the way that you carry yourselves. Much respect.

How are you travelling Navy?

[Navy_Blue]

Hello all, sorry for going off grid as we CT intel operators say,but I needed a break from writing.I needed a break from pouring my heart out-I just needed some me time.I am on the planet farthest away from exhaustion. I'm at a stage where I cannot even make the simplest of decisions.I'm in this random state of clouded confusion wherby I can't believe comments of truthfulness about my self worth or my physical attributes?Not a great deal makes sense to me.I used to be calm and decisive under all forms of stress,will this trait ever come back?I remember someone here saying,PTSD,clearly you will never be the same-this is definitive.This quite simply scares me & clearly destroys my character as a man and my ability to continue as a sound military officer,if this truly is the case.I had my second session yesterday,probably another reason for going off grid.I am drained by hearing positive affirmation about me as a man mentally and physically-& then taking an emotional roller coaster ride trying to accept it to be true,or sometimes honestly only ending up pretending,nodding and saying thank you-just a gutless appeasement.What's wrong with me?My wife stood me in front of the mirror after a shower,I can clearly see as she pointed out I AM big,so why can't I mentally accept it?I've heard I couldnt have done anything else to save those children without getting myself killed & in doing that they'd have been killed anyway.So again,why can't I accept it?I am in my third day of mindfulness,which for the first time last night I was able to connect.A positive I guess!I'm sick & tired of my underlying sense of shame-failure as a man,my proven false sense of physical inadequacy of being a man-yet why do I still question these facts? I still doubt the truth I'm being told.I can't see how I will ever be man enough,seen as man enough or feel as man enough for anyone after that day.I try to seek positives in past situations where I've been able to help save people or even saved or rescued animals in conflict & there is some glimmering warmth of pride that goes with that.A Pretty thankless job that no one really gets & hey that's OK by me.Not here for hoots on my big physical attributes or to be told gee his brave.Like Sara,I don't take compliments well.Dont know why I'm here really?Maybe I'm only MAN enough to unequivocally care only for others at my own expense & I'm ok with that I guess so long as I get some form of self worth and confidence back into my heart and my soul.

[Doolhof]

Hi Mark,

I learned decades ago that some people just don't care about others or they don't know how to help.

I decided I didn't want to be one of those people.

I didn't want to be angry any more either.

My childhood and early adult life taught me how to look after myself. Although I would not wish some of my experiences on my worst enemy, these happenings have helped me be the person I am today. They have helped me develop care and concern for others.

Back in those days I had no where to go. I am so very thankful for the community here at beyondblue. When I reached out to this forum, I was in a bad place once again with my mental health. Many people helped me. Now I can pass that forward and try to help others.

We never know what another person has been through. Offer them a smile and a helping hand if you can.

Cheers all from Mrs. Dools

[Just Sara]

I want to firstly thank Mark for his comments re Mrs D and myself. Strength is learned...

Mrs D...Your life sounds like my parents home growing up; to think I thought that was normal. You are strength, you are precious, you are still here...courage and will to survive. I am in awe..

Dearest Navy Man;

Reading your post I'm feeling somewhat helpless. I don't like feeling that way; I don't think anyone does. So what can I do about it? Well, nothing except support you whether you like it or not.

It was me who said you'd never be the same again. No-one can after going thru trauma. Although people say I'm strong in my recovery, I haven't lost those memories. They're still there albeit cloudier and less harmful; this is what I spoke of. I still have triggers like sometimes freezing when I'm in a position where I need to speak up for myself, and don't much like supermarkets due to head spins; these are but a few.

When I had my breakdown, I was delusional and had psychosis on and off for the first few months; I rarely slept. During those nights, I'd sit on my lounge seeing things floating around the room trying to analyse what they were and what it meant. I lived alone. I didn't even have the capacity to plan or carry out my own demise. I didn't worry about who I used to be or what was becoming of me...there wasn't time or energy for that. I lived in a bubble of intense fear every moment of the day.

Now, I can see from your words you're in a dark place. No-one, including me, can get you out of there except you. Somewhere deep inside you is your will to live. Not thrive or be cured overnight, but it's there, inside the primal section of your brain. You are writing on this forum because that mechanism is doing its best to override the (so called) rational part of your brain to find help. There's a mongrel argument going on in there between the two.

Its chemical warfare NM...

Your mind as you call it, is made up of a physical mass which produces chemicals and electrical energy in your brain and body. When that process is out of whack, provocative and disturbing thoughts will pervade your normal patterns of behaviour and thinking.

The rational section of your brain is mainly run by memory and automatic functions learned through life; like driving a car. Another section is in charge of fight/flight/freeze responses. (Reptilian brain)

Continued next page..

[blondguy]

Hi Navy

Im Paul and good to meet you, I have been reading your thread ( in detail) with respect and understanding. I wont say that you are brave or anything similar. I wouldnt insult your intelligence for a moment.

If I may quote you Navy: "underlying sense of shame-failure as a man,my proven false sense of physical inadequacy of being a man"

I have nothing but respect and admiration for you. I dont see any shame/failure or physical inadequacy where you your manhood is concerned Mr Navy

just a guys' point of view

my kind thoughts

Paul

[Just Sara]

Cont. from previous page..

When you're in a battle zone for instance, you're on high alert most of the time. Adrenaline and cortisol is constantly pumping through your body and interfering with many of your body's natural processes. The worst affected is of course your brain along with your lymphatic and immune systems. These are the organs and glands in charge of metabolism and fighting disease/illness.

We learn mainly through rote learning..doing something over and over again until it's second nature as with 'times tables' in school. When you're in an adrenaline fuelled situation for weeks or months at a time, you're training your brain to be over-active as a normal state of being, like children bought up in volatile homes.

So when you return from active duty to a calm and peaceful environment, your brain and body has to re-adjust to the lack of chemicals from the war zone and redefine balance. This takes time and a huge amount of patience and counselling on every level of who you are as a man and human being. It's biological and the consequences to your mind can be devastating if you don't accept the negativity as a form of imbalance and chemical process.

So, in opposition to this, each time you have a calm/positive thought, memory or experience, you're teaching your brain a new pattern. Eventually it'll take hold with medication, counselling and support from your loved ones. The fight/flight/freeze response will eventually calm down and you'll start to notice moments of peace and being 'normal' (hate that word)

I'm starting to feel somewhat frantic because it gets into my soul when others are in pain and suffering; I know it so well. I'm done..exhausted. Please hear my words NM..this too shall pass..

Next time you post, tell me about your children.

I'm still here for you navy man...Sara - Hugs

[Navy_Blue]

Oh my god! Mrs Dools and Sara, I just read and re-read your words,the horror story that went with it.I cannot begin to fathom the pain, hurt and emotional trauma you have both endured but more importantly I cannot believe your strength & courage to fight on,help others despite this.I can't begin to express my anger & disbelief at someone so evil-I can't even call them a human being,nor comprehend physically doing these unspeakable acts of sheer terror but having such a twisted mind to even think this is normal behaviour.I am crushed to hear that this has happened to someone to whom I can only see has beauty such strength within them and their hearts and souls are filled by nothing less than love,compassion & courage that defies levels of belief.I am feeling like complete sh#t posting and writing about my "psyhical attributes" and my pathetic false insecurities without even thinking about what others have been through.Please except my deepest apologies for doing this,it was never my intention to have triggered or worse hurt you in any way shape of form.I will not discuss this false matter of mine any further so please forgive me from the deepest depth of heart for even beginning do so.I Cleary wasn't thinking and it was never my intention to be so insensitive. God I am so,so sorry.I wish I were able to take your demons away or at least not feel failure again having not been again there to have prevented these acts from happening to such caring, loving and compassionate women.You have no idea of the anger and taste of absolute disgust in my mind and heart of hearing your stories.Like Mark,I to am amazed at your strength & your power to carry yourselves the way you do-you are both pillars to my underlying strength to go on-yet my issues seem so insignificant to yours.I feel all of my personal physical issues don't belong here,maybe just another failure on my part in being so insensitive and thoughtless,or again not being able to help save others-or at least consider their feelings.Sh#t I feel so awful.I will in time find a way to deal with my PTSD demons and the horrors that go with my mortal injury, but my thoughts of "am I man enough"?I cannot forgive myself for writing yet alone thinking such insensitive selfish thoughts.I was ready to drain the hurt of today's counselling session but now realise there is too much pain in this world and me adding mine onto,the pile of those who have endured far more of it then I have-I'm man enough to know better.Sorry💔🔵

[Doolhof]

Hi Sara,

Just want to say how much I have appreciated your post that explains very well how our brains work.

When I consider all you have written it, it makes me realise that it is possible to re-wire the brain, that different situations require different thought patterns.

It is reassuring also to be reminded of the chemical balances of the brain. Even the most positive thoughts in the world will not heal a damaged mind and soul over night. Adding positivity and re training the brain is so beneficial.

You seem like an incredibly informative, courageous, caring person.

Hugs of compassion to you as well.

Cheers from Mrs. Dools