Am I man enough?

[Navy_Blue]

This is a really uncomfortable subject for me to be raising, one that I have drafted and deleted time and time again after only joining the BB site.As mentioned in my first and only thread I have been diagnosed with PTSD through a military operational triggering event.I have since realised that I have suffered depression and anxiety for 8 years prior to the diagnosis.I am 40 years old and am currently recovering from my second total hip replacement.I am married with 3 kids (6,4 and 2).Whilst I have opened up about my PTSD through this forum,there are other things going on in my mind (likely connected to the PTSD) that I need to get off my chest but feel so embarrassed and fear judgement in doing so.I have discussed this topic with my wife and whilst I do believe her response,I still have self doubt over her overall truthfulness-in her trying not to hurt me further.This is more likely my depression stopping me from seeing her truth,yet I am still suffering deeply with a lack of self confidence regardless of what she tells me.With all that has happened after my PTSD I don't feel like a strong man to her and now doubt I ever was even before.By this I mean physically more so than emotionally.We have been married now 12 years and I know she had a lot of partners before me and as a result of my PTSD,subsequent depression and recent hip surgeries I have zero self confidence in being her man.Without embarrassing myself to tears I feel inadequate in all departments of being a man anymore.I feel I fail her as a man both physically and mentally.

Mentallly comparing myself to what my wife's previous partners must've been like and the thought that I am nowhere near the man she had or wants is killing me.Before spilling my guts to her quite unintentionally I spent months without sleep,having horrible thoughts and visualisations-this all on top of fighting daily triggers and flashbacks of my PTSD.I am on ADs and seeking therapy for my PTSD,however this other somewhat embarrassing issue is really crushing me and it is something I find hard to raise in discussions with my wife again or even begin to talk to with my therapist-due to the fear of ridicule,embarrassment or the fact of being seen pathetic.Help,advice really needed. Ta.

[Doolhof]

Hi Navy Blue,

It is understandable that you wanted to stop thinking about the negatives for a while. When dealing with intense issues, it is beneficial to try and find enjoyable moments and activities as well to balance out your day.

Let us know how we may be able to help you in all of this.

Like Sara mentioned, I too have been thinking about your children. Would you like to share a little about them?

I was in a shop a couple of days ago. Two girls aged about 3 and 5 were with their Mum who was busy looking at clothes and on her phone. I was chatting away to her girls for about 20 minutes. They were so cute and adorable.

Years ago an encounter like that would have had me running out of the shop in tears. I have been pregnant 5 times, and do not have live children. We buried two babies who made it to 21 weeks gestation. For years I couldn't walk down the baby aisle in stores.

Women keep having babies. My sisters did. My girlfriends did. Babies are everywhere you look...especially so when you don't have one yourself.

I was told I would never carry a baby to full term. I could shut myself away or decide to keep living. I started to enjoy other people's children. I embraced the love and joy they gave me. I started to work in child care.

A grief counsellor helped me to put my thoughts and memories into perspective. To not BLAME MYSELF for the baby's deaths. There was nothing I could have done differently to ensure those babies lived. Nothing. Nothing at all. I had to accept that. I had to let go of MY feelings of blame so I could move on.

It does get easier. Life is worth living despite the hurt, pain and traumas that may come our way.

Find ways to let go of the pain. It does not mean that you diminish the value of the people who died, it means you are honouring LIFE by living.

Now on a cheerier note, if you would like to, tell us a funny story about your children...

Sending you encouragement to embrace a new day. Cheers from Mrs. Dools

[Navy_Blue]

Good morning Sara, firstly I don't know where to begin...I am so sorry for making you feel helpless and frantic, please don't. Please don't,not over someone like me.You have your own battles and are a proven fighter, don't for a second lower your guard, keep your strength for the the one who has truly ear to it-YOU! Your explanation on brain chemistry was incredible. So knowledgable and delivered in such a way that even I, a simpleton,could understand and reflect how it applies to my current flashbang of a mind.I was never good at chemistry at school,probably as I hardly attended class as I was too busy playing guitar in a band at a local Adelaide pub...I would also like to apologise again to you and Mrs Dools for my insensitive posts.I note as I write it has not come through.I hope it has been censored as it came from my heart & I need you to know I never meant to hurt you. Morning has truly started and as ritual (hip replacement recovery or not) dad cooks his famous doughnut flavoured pancakes for my kids! I haven't yet and don't plan on failing the team here-sp I best run (or hobble!!!) I will write to you about my three beautiful children, I will try this afternoon when it is Dad's rest time... Have a wonderful day and please,I beg accept my apologies for what they are. Can't wait to hear back from all on this place,it means so much to me. I won't leave, I will just never fail again to be so thoughtless to write insensitive stuff. I will sanitise my feelings and emotions before typing. But for my previous actions, it was never my intent to flaunt my physical attributes around on this blog so thoughtlessly.My perceived insecurities,now accepted as false will never be discussed again-I am so sorry if I have caused any trauma to not only you Sara and Dools but to anyone else reading this thread.I will only focus on my PTSD demons and mortal injury from now on. God, I just realised I ramble in the morning and am late for pancakes!! Talk again soon ❤️🔵 who will stick out this fight - as I have battled before and I trained to win.

[MarkJT]

Gday mate, this is all part of the journey that PTSD is but you need to break down the negativities that are going on inside your brain and tackle each one.

You are stuck in the world of negative and we need to get you out of it. Can you please do something for me.

Each night you go to bed, i want you to think of three good things that happened to you that day - perhaps even write them down. One today would be the doughnut flavored pancakes (sounds delish) and then add two more. It doesn't have to be anything large just small things that is a positive. I want you to remember to do this every night for the next 21 nights. Why 21? Because to create habit you need to do something for 21 days straight. Another awesome thing that happens is that you have re-wired your brain to scan the world for positives rather than negatives which so many humans, including those that are mentally healthy do.

I have done this and i can say that it worked a treat for me. Just about everything now i can flip the negative to a positive.

Keep engaging with us here, you have a tonne of support and no one is going anywhere.

Mark.

[Doolhof]

Hi Navy Blue,

I agree with Mark, the pancakes sound excellent! I also like his idea of writing down three positive things each night.

Sometimes in the morning before I get out of bed, I think about the things I feel I need to do during the day and then consider the pleasurable things I can do to help balance my day.

You don't need to apologise for anything you have written here. The moderators do read everything, so they "clean" up the posts when necessary as we do have younger people reading these threads as well.

In a small way I understand your issues about feeling man enough as I experienced the confusion, hurt and sense of loss my husband went through when he had testicular cancer. Our relationship has changed. We are still together, so I guess that is the main thing.

By sharing part of my story, I was certainly in no way trying to make you or anyone feel like their problems do not matter. It was more like acknowledging I too have had some painful moments and comprehend to some extent the issues surrounding mental health.

My life has not all been tough. My husband loves me and cares for me in his own way. I have some great friends.

I have 3 pet chooks who are hilarious at times. I love it when they join me in the garden.

Today I had lunch with friends and we had a great laugh together.

I have a couple of nieces who I am very close to and share time with.

Next week I am spending some time with my sister near the beach, so rain shine or hail I will be enjoying some beach walks! Might even make a sandcastle. I did that one day by myself and a few people looked at me like I was very strange. Ha. Ha.

We are all on a journey Navy Guy, some days are golden others not so. Like Mark wrote the trick is to try to change the negatives into positives when you can.

I'm not saying at all that you need to push your hurts and pain down, that won't help much. We/I are here to listen and to support you. ( Even though I will be away for a couple of days! Not sure if I will have internet access)

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[Just Sara]

Hey Mark;

Your wise counsel has been invaluable to me, and I'm sure to Navy Blue, Mrs D and anyone reading who's suffered the debilitating affects of PTSD. So a big thankyou..I'm also in awe of your ability to pull yourself to safety (so to speak) after enduring not just the trauma, but the after affects that caused such confusion and pain; then to formally speak about it to others - educating the masses. Well done legend!

Mrs D...I'm blown away by your candour, and pain suffered through your plight of womanhood...just tragic. Your strength, courage and determination is even more awe inspiring dear lady...amazing. You still manage to have a caring heart for others too...beautiful

Thanks also to Paul for joining NM's support group; as a BB Champion and as a man. You have a way with words that calm and zero in on specific statements to enlighten and encourage us all. I've always been a fan...

A big hello to Kaz too! I've said it before, your words are gold; I love reading them..they always inspire..just lovely. You've had your share of tragedy, personal strife and pain, but are here with us sharing the love...you move me.

Finally, Navy Blue...as you can read in my comments above, you've created one of the most powerful threads I've ever seen on this forum. The compassion and experience being put forward, originally on your behalf, has morphed into a healing process for all concerned; sharing and opening our innermost thoughts and memories, along with magic advice and unsurpassed caring.

...and I think to myself, what a wonderful world...

I say 'healing', because due to these posts I've had to confront some of my own confused thinking. Your courage has helped me to look within (again) to find yet more anger. This has nothing to do with you as a man; it has to do with my 'thinking and behavioural patterns' regarding love and family, and how devastating the affect mental health issues have on the family unit as a whole.

Mark has given quality advice for positive thinking and outlook. We have a thread called; '3 things to be thankful for today' in the 'staying well' section if you want to start there on your 21 day challenge.

I'm so grateful for your presence here on BB. Writing about your suffering will never be in vain.

Much support...Sara xo

[Doolhof]

Just tried to send off a post and had a systems error sign pop up. So not sure if that post will get through either. Another one from yesterday has gone AWAL!

[Navy_Blue]

Hello Sara, once again thank you for listening and turning my words of sorrow into simply beautiful songs.I don't know how you do it, but your way with words along with the compassion that forms the harmony behind the true lyrical meaning-is something very special.You are truly gifted and have a beautiful heart,mind and soul and I am eternally grateful for having you by my side.I never meant in my wildest dreams to have created "one of the most powerful threads you'd seen on this forum".I'm blown away by the continued support I receive and I hope others (just reading) who may be going through similar issues to mine, can maybe take the leap of courage like I did and just try this forum.You will find an amazing emotional relief here-from your mind-a cathartic experience whereby in a safe,secure and trusted environment you will not be judged or rediculed, you'll only find offers to compassionately help the healing process through endless support.Thank you all for their advice.We have been practicing as a family the "3 things to be grateful for today" exercise for a while now.I implemented this not so much for my healing but more to instill positive thinking in my young children and enlighten their awareness of how powerful happiness and peace in their hearts and minds and sharing that with others can be.I have decided through direction of my counsellor and wife to start a journal.A safe place to vent, to share and express my personal internal fight.To pen my dark thoughts, my happy thoughts,my questions,my fears, my desires...hopefully this might help release and rid more of the demons lurking and hiding inside.I pride myself on my penmanship-it is mightier than the sword as they say, so hopefully I can take some self value away from this exercise.I am also keen to try new meds for my PTSD and anxiety,as I'm currently only being treated for just depression.My understanding is PTSD and depression are linked but medicational tretatment may require different drugs.

[MarkJT]

Hey Sara, no probs - my pleasure. It is all about flipping my negative around to a positive so if I am helping, then happy days. Just like yourself and all the others, positivity and teachings. Brilliant.

Navy Blue: have you connected with SoldierOn as yet? Connecting with your peers is so close to being as powerful as a psych session. I know to be among my own when i was hurting was just so so valuable. Hope today is going as good as it can for you.

Mark.

[Navy_Blue]

Hi Mark, thank you firstly for all the support and positivity you bring to the table. I just met someone as randomly as you could possibly imagine and we struck up a conversation that long story short led to PTSD from military service. In turned out he is still serving but his brother is no longer due to PTSD. He, like yourself spoke highly of the value of the SoldierOn foundation and gave me dome details, which I will follow up on over the next few days. At first when you mentioned it, it was or at least felt to me a little too close to home - if that makes sense...Then with further thought and my random or lucky encounter I thought you are right - being around peers as you put it would be so beneficial. I still hold fears of being man enough to speak up about myself to anyone there, but I guess the fear of trust ridicule would soon vanish, just like my experiences with this forum. Anyway, I thought I had better send a massive thank you for your support and I will let you know how things develop with SoldierOn. Cheers NM

[MarkJT]

NB, that is brilliant. Check out the link - https://www.soldieron.org.au/how-we-help/soldier-on-reintegration-network/ for all the reintegration centers that SO runs. The name is the key, "Reintegration" center. You will meet other busted up military members which will be really good for you.

So glad that you are taking this course of action. We can chat here all we want and give advice and thoughts but to be sitting beside someone having a chat and working out your issues are not that uncommon among peers, so so powerful. Looking forward to hearing how it all goes.

Mark.