Am I man enough?

[Navy_Blue]

This is a really uncomfortable subject for me to be raising, one that I have drafted and deleted time and time again after only joining the BB site.As mentioned in my first and only thread I have been diagnosed with PTSD through a military operational triggering event.I have since realised that I have suffered depression and anxiety for 8 years prior to the diagnosis.I am 40 years old and am currently recovering from my second total hip replacement.I am married with 3 kids (6,4 and 2).Whilst I have opened up about my PTSD through this forum,there are other things going on in my mind (likely connected to the PTSD) that I need to get off my chest but feel so embarrassed and fear judgement in doing so.I have discussed this topic with my wife and whilst I do believe her response,I still have self doubt over her overall truthfulness-in her trying not to hurt me further.This is more likely my depression stopping me from seeing her truth,yet I am still suffering deeply with a lack of self confidence regardless of what she tells me.With all that has happened after my PTSD I don't feel like a strong man to her and now doubt I ever was even before.By this I mean physically more so than emotionally.We have been married now 12 years and I know she had a lot of partners before me and as a result of my PTSD,subsequent depression and recent hip surgeries I have zero self confidence in being her man.Without embarrassing myself to tears I feel inadequate in all departments of being a man anymore.I feel I fail her as a man both physically and mentally.

Mentallly comparing myself to what my wife's previous partners must've been like and the thought that I am nowhere near the man she had or wants is killing me.Before spilling my guts to her quite unintentionally I spent months without sleep,having horrible thoughts and visualisations-this all on top of fighting daily triggers and flashbacks of my PTSD.I am on ADs and seeking therapy for my PTSD,however this other somewhat embarrassing issue is really crushing me and it is something I find hard to raise in discussions with my wife again or even begin to talk to with my therapist-due to the fear of ridicule,embarrassment or the fact of being seen pathetic.Help,advice really needed. Ta.

[Just Sara]

An absolutely stunning post and response Navy Blue Man!

I am grateful and humbled...

Your writing style is amazing and a great addition to the forum. I'm so glad you've starting to journal, I've been doing it for more than 20 yrs. The benefits are many and will prove its worth when comparing who you are today verses who you'll be in 12 months time etc.

I'd like to quote from your post;

'You will find an amazing emotional relief here-from your mind-a cathartic experience whereby in a safe,secure and trusted environment you will not be judged or rediculed, you'll only find offers to compassionately help the healing process through endless support'

How beautifully written...golden words from a man in his early recovery process a short while after pleading for urgent support. Does love conquer all? We're spreading the love NM...how insatiable and very, very infectious!

I, like you, found my voice and creativity on BB. My love of words began as a child writing stories at school. (Compositions) Unfortunately I had a teacher who belittled my words as being too long and laborious. I was hurt and dismayed by her comments and never really put much effort in after that.

It's the feeling within NM; of light and joy when my fingers hit the keys while in 'that' mode. Writing has given me a focus and purpose after my breakdown; so dearly needed to fill the gap of uselessness due to not working and giving anymore.

I can read between the lines (your magical and engaging words) how you're beginning to accept this disorder as being a catalyst for change and personal development, instead of being an unbreakable chain around your ankles. Wonderful progress my friend!

(Just a note on describing specific medication; the rules state we can't disclose or discuss these on the forum. This is a medical issue best left to GP's and other practitioners. No biggie though...all good. Using terms such as anti anxiety medication, AD's or benzo's is acceptable. This seems to satisfy posters.)

So, here's to your progress and discovering your latent love of words. (Klink go the glasses as we toast to your success)

Patiently anticipating your future creative and inspirational entries NM...Sara xo

[Just Sara]

Post Script: Thankyou for telling us about your beautiful kids and family, especially re positive thinking. It might be worthwhile to view some entries on the 'Three things to be thankful for' thread in 'Staying well' section to see how we're all getting the positive bug happening. Just a thought...S xo

[Navy_Blue]

Dear Sara,VMT for those kind & loving words-although I have come to expect nothing less from someone of your intellectual and caring caliber. I will check out this 3 things to be thankful for thread & attempt to value add where I can,but probably from where I sit at the moment I might mostly absorb & gain inspiration for a while.I hate to say it but writing on my thread has taken me away from my physical healing from my recent hip surgery.I desperately need to get that rehab back on track-as my need to engage with my children again"physically" means everything to me as a dad.I have never stopped the emotional love I give to them.Even through my darkest days of PTSD,I have always found the time,summonsed the emotional strength from within to be there for them-to show I am proud of them,tell them I love them,listen to what they say (no matter how busy or how much pain my hip or PTSD is giving me) and within reason give them what they need.It may just be a hug or reassuring them that is all is well but most importantly I make sure they know that they are valued and respected-no matter their age.I love my children,my family more than life itself.Hence this is post is my assurance to all my loving,caring,courageous and sheer inspirational supporters within this thread and to those I hold closest to my heart;I will win this battle.I will be left with some scars in the end,but they are just that-wounds (physical or emotional) that have healed overtime.I won't try and hide them,cover them up or ignore how I got them.Instead I'll embrace the hurdles of adversity and anguish I endured with great fortitude and finally say to the world with such conviction I AM MORE THAN MAN ENOUGH! I will likely go off grid again for some time,like I mentioned earlier,to focus on my much needed psychical surgical recovery.Whilst my PTSD healing will never pause,my posting may.I will miss writing on here,but I promise my absence will not be definite.The words of gratitude I have for you are written from my well,the well that flows endless tears of happiness and unsurmountable love for having my soul replenished with a will to fight & having been taught to find love for my own self being again.You are all my kindred-spirits and I have forged an unbreakable bond that will never be forgotten.I will never forget what you have done for me.In time I can only hope to be half as courageous as you all and I aim to give back to others what you have given me. Fair winds and following seas...❤️NM

[Just Sara]

Hi Navy Blue Man;

Yes...I'm crying with admiration and heartfelt relief for you. Your post has given me validation my words are not in vain and can make a difference.

I read all your words in awe and gladness. I wish you well in your physical recovery too. I hope it's as speedy and successful as your emotional recovery process.

I love that you're so loving and precious with your kids. They're very lucky indeed to have you as a Dad.

Finally, your statement; I AM MORE THAN MAN ENOUGH! was the impetus for tears to roll down my cheeks. I can't begin to tell you how very, very proud I am of you.

I will miss your presence, but it is bitter SWEET. So happy you're prioritising and doing the doing.

Many warm thoughts and mega Hugs...Sara

[Kazzl]

Very best to you Navy Blue - you are man enough (we knew that all along, now you do too!)

And I want to agree with Sara that this thread is one of the best I've seen on the forum. I am grateful to you NB, and to all the others who have shared so much, so powerfully here.

Hope you don't have to stay away too long - and I look forward to hearing how things go with Soldier On.

Cheers mate

Kaz

[MarkJT]

There you go, isn't it a sweet time when the mind shifts from a negative into a positive.

Great stuff NM. Good luck with the physical healing and really keen to hear how you go with SoliderOn. Like minded people have such a massive influence on ones own well being.

Keep fighting, you got this.

Mark.

[Doolhof]

Hi Navy Blue and Everyone,

Every single one of us benefits immeasurably when we are content enough to be the person we are today. We each can decide to make changes for the better, to increase our knowledge, wisdom, love and care for others. Or what ever it may that you desire to obtain.

None of us will know how much our words and sharing may have affected people who read but choose not to contribute.

In time, we may here from Navy Blue and learn more of his journey.

Another guy may post here questioning his own insecurities regarding if he is many enough. Or it may be a female wanting to know if she is woman enough. Or anybody of any gender identity questioning their place in life and their purpose.

This thread has been quite a journey for many people.

Let's keep our hearts and minds open for Navy Blue and for anyone else who pops by here needing assistance.

Once again I am in awe of the care, consideration, acceptance and encouragement shared on this forum.

Cheers for now, from Mrs. Dools

[Just Sara]

You touched my heart Mrs D...tearing up..

How beautiful you are...your sentiments are reiterated by me...thankyou so much.

Warm hug...Sara xo

[MarkJT]

Outstanding post Mrs D. We are all intertwined by a unique set of circumstances in that we have faced significant challenges throughout out lives and are choosing to make this extremely negative scenario a positive one by helping others whilst also helping ourselves.

I think you hit the nail right on the head with your post saying that hopefully Navy Blue has benefited from our posts and his journey is somewhat easier than it was previous to engaging the BB forum but at the same time, I think there would be a whole heap of people who would have read this thread and got some comfort out of it.

Just a fabulous place to be this is.

Mark.

[Doolhof]

Hi Sara, Mark and everyone reading this,

Thanks for your comments. There have been many times when people on this forum have helped me immensely.

Hopefully if someone else reads this thread, they may feel comfortable enough to reach out for help as well.

In time Navy Blue may reconnect and share his journey with us.

It would be wonderful if mental health issues had a STOP button, for some of us that is not the case.

We have all shared a little of our own journey here, maybe we have opened up old wounds we might like to share further.

For me, leading up to Christmas is a time of sadness and renewed grief as I think of the children we do not have here with us. There is still a sense of loss. Add that to the dysfunctionality of both our families and Christmas is not a pleasant experience.

In years past my husband and I have been ignored from family gatherings because we do not have children. We would invite family to our place for Christmas, but they would not come because we did not have children.

Parents said they wanted to be with Grand children. Siblings wouldn't come then if the parents weren't attending. Sister in law stated they wouldn't come as her children would not have any kids to play with. Then the families would organise get togethers with their partners families as they all had children.

My husband surprised me yesterday by saying he has booked us a holiday from December 19th to the 27th! We will be having Christmas together, alone, if only I could leave the hurt and sadness of Christmases past in the past!

One of the reasons I sign off as Mrs Dools is because most days my husband only needs a house keeper, I have no live children, I have a strained relationship with my Mum who always wanted a son but had another daughter instead, and if I don't contact my in-laws we never hear from them as my husband doesn't see the need to call them.

On this forum I can be who I always desired to be, a person with a heart full of love and care for others. People here accept that. For some of those closest to me in real life my best is never good enough for them. I often question if I am woman enough. I'm trying to change that.

I will embrace who I am, starting from right now!

Cheers all from a teary and empowered Mrs. Dools xxx