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Am I man enough?
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This is a really uncomfortable subject for me to be raising, one that I have drafted and deleted time and time again after only joining the BB site.As mentioned in my first and only thread I have been diagnosed with PTSD through a military operational triggering event.I have since realised that I have suffered depression and anxiety for 8 years prior to the diagnosis.I am 40 years old and am currently recovering from my second total hip replacement.I am married with 3 kids (6,4 and 2).Whilst I have opened up about my PTSD through this forum,there are other things going on in my mind (likely connected to the PTSD) that I need to get off my chest but feel so embarrassed and fear judgement in doing so.I have discussed this topic with my wife and whilst I do believe her response,I still have self doubt over her overall truthfulness-in her trying not to hurt me further.This is more likely my depression stopping me from seeing her truth,yet I am still suffering deeply with a lack of self confidence regardless of what she tells me.With all that has happened after my PTSD I don't feel like a strong man to her and now doubt I ever was even before.By this I mean physically more so than emotionally.We have been married now 12 years and I know she had a lot of partners before me and as a result of my PTSD,subsequent depression and recent hip surgeries I have zero self confidence in being her man.Without embarrassing myself to tears I feel inadequate in all departments of being a man anymore.I feel I fail her as a man both physically and mentally.
Mentallly comparing myself to what my wife's previous partners must've been like and the thought that I am nowhere near the man she had or wants is killing me.Before spilling my guts to her quite unintentionally I spent months without sleep,having horrible thoughts and visualisations-this all on top of fighting daily triggers and flashbacks of my PTSD.I am on ADs and seeking therapy for my PTSD,however this other somewhat embarrassing issue is really crushing me and it is something I find hard to raise in discussions with my wife again or even begin to talk to with my therapist-due to the fear of ridicule,embarrassment or the fact of being seen pathetic.Help,advice really needed. Ta.
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Well hello NBM!
You posted 7 minutes prior to me catching it and how lovely that was. Your thread has become legendary and then some. I guess you could've never imagined an effect of such magnitude! Yet here you are...with humour, love and gratitude. I welcome you with open arms my friend.
Not only have you benefited from this site and our beautiful caring community, but you've bought out the best in us..in me. I can only thank you with words, but it's words that bought us all together and it's words that will continue to enhance our lives...that's a given.
I read your post with bated breath, a very big smile and (happy) tears welling up in my eyes. I applaud your guts to glory attitude and well deserved kudos! (Cheers from the crowd..Yay!!!)
You've made my day Navy Man...your children and wife are very lucky indeed to have you in their lives. I congratulate you on your progress and wish you all the luck in the world with your new psych. You deserve to continue to reap the rewards for your amazing efforts. WELL DONE!!
Warm and kind thoughts as always...Sara xo
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Goodaye NBM,
Welcome back! Hope the body heals okay after your operation!
It is good you are seeing a psychiatrist. A lot of us have been there and done that. I personally find it a lot easy talking to a person I don't know rather than someone close to me.
You may well feel shaken up after the experience, so make sure you have something easy to do or some comforting experience to enjoy once the session is over. Or you might need some time alone to process what on earth just happened!
Love the bell story! My husband had one of those after his cancer operation. He didn't ask for peeled grapes though, I guess he didn't think of that! Ha. Ha.
If you don't mind me asking, can you please tell me what your medals represent? If that is too tough for you, just ignore that question.
Our town had a small celebration for Remembrance Day. A very dignified looking soldier from the Vietnam War was standing there with his medals on. I had a chat with him briefly, then someone he knew came to chat with him. It was a lovely service.
Wishing you all the best with your recover, body, mind and spirit.
Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools
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Dear Navy Guy,
Thanks so much for sharing about your medals. Hopefully in time you will be able to wear them proudly, accepting the fact that you have made a huge difference in the lives of so many people, in such an amazing sacrificial way.
Hopefully your son will remember where that really safe place is! If not, can you apply to have that medal replaced? I'm not sure how that works.
I enjoy reading about your children and the calves. Sounds like a wonderful, exciting time, greeting the new calves into the world.
You mentioned planting poppies in the garden, I have planted roses here to remember my precious babies and also a beautiful lady name Josie who was like a Mum and mentor to me. The rose for her is so appropriately named Just Joey.
Like you mentioned, it is very comforting to know that complete strangers can reach out to others on this forum and offer support, care, love and concern in such an amazing way.
Maybe by ANZAC Day your body, mind and spirit will be healed enough to march extremely proudly with your own medals shining, and like you mentioned with your three children marching also wearing Grandad's medals.
On a cheery note, hope the calves are all healthy! Last year we borrowed some sheep on our 5 acres to help eat the grass. Two of them had lambs while here. I so loved to go and watch them frolic about. They were so cute!
This year we have a couple of rams and wethers, so no chance of lambs!
Hope that hip soon heals! Cheers for now,
Best wishes and kind regards from Mrs. Dools
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Hello again Mrs. Dools,I wrote an extension to my last post shortly after but must have missed the "Airforce" admin closing times by nano seconds as it hasn't appeared yet😜I just wanted to express some feelings of mine, quite passionate from a military point of view,on your comments regrading your discussion with the Vietnam Vet at your local service.I reflected just how niaive,uncompassionate & generally misunderstood society was back then & how disresepectfully treated those returning, those lucky enough to return were treated.The "Dirty War" it aptly named.The atrocities,disturbing visions and acts witnessed by those servicemen I cannot even fathom.But to return as "Baby Killers" or lower class people who have just returned from a "holiday" disgusts me.PTSD was never heard of or to talk about such mental troubles was taboo.The silent killer & really since then,& to be honest it probably goes back even further than just the Vietnam War,what have we learnt?More US service people have died since returning from operations than killed on the battlefield,I am not aware of how numbers reflect from an ADF point of view,but that fact alone is horrific.I am seeing slowly 'the times they are a changing' sweep broadly across society in promoting awareness of mental health-I guess I can really comment particularly what I have seen during my time in the military,but notwithstanding this we have a long way to go.I, ashamed as I am to admit it,am guilty of this-just look at the title of this thread-says it all really.Mental issues is still a stereo typical sign of weakness,I'm so pleased to see campaigns being run now by macho football stars and sports men & women alike stating it is OK to speak out-that mental illness is not a dirty word or something to be ashamed of.Sure if I was not nearly killed by an IED during CT operations only to go on & see big tough men execute,in cold blood children,I might be fine in life-blissfully unaware of this BB organisation or the need for it.Education is in this area is critical.We are seeing it in the military now and it is taken very seriously.But,as I as getting to earlier in this post, it is the vets previous to my generation that my heart bleeds for.They got nothing, absolutely nothing only ridicule and persecution for being in a place no one really had heard of,fighting a fight most did not join by choice.Sure, even I have had tomatoes thrown at me and heckled baby killer whilst in uniform,not a particularly nice (continued)
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(Continued) feeling,particularly after what I'd endured that particular deployment.More ironically our unit actually saved a mother & baby during child berth onboard our vessel.The engineers without even being asked went away & constructed a cot & change table for this particular mother & baby to use whilst we remained at sea.So to be called a baby killer-hurts, a lot.So far from the truth of what we service people actually do out there.Is it thanks I am asking for,no not really,just a little respect or general public understanding that yes whilst I elected to serve and wear my countries name on my shoulders does not make me any less human than the next person.Anyway probably enough of that rant,like I mentioned though I am quite passionate about the public's treatment of ex & current service people,& I guess you know full well how I feel about Vietnam Vets through this post.Just got your post regarding your lambs!No idea what happened to my post in between...maybe their actually is an "Airforce" person moderating & placed mine in file named the shredder.I agree just how healing gardens can be,my wife's department really,but secretly I get a lot out of the "whole growth & earthly experience". We to have planted trees to remember loved ones lost, some far to early. A special place to go to reflect, remember-& over time as it grows so does the healing inside of me. Thank you for your kind word regarding my physical healing.I should be an old hand at this whole hip replacement by now,considering this is my second at the age under 40!Having 3 children under the age of 7 (7,4,2) doesn't make dad's recovery easy though...partly myself to blame as I always go at things like a bull at a gate & just want to be a dad and bend down & play & lift or be the horse to ride-all things I vaguely recall my surgeon saying things NOT to be doing for several months.Yes,I can reorder the safely placed clasp,no hurry this end but I will want them to see &understand what their dad did &sacrificed,&hopefully they will be proud.At the moment they see their dad a little sad most of the time & hobbling around on crutches,icing his leg,unable to play &truly connect-which saddens me the most really.Not all doom &gloom though,my poker face has got better over time in hiding all forms of pain around my children.My fight continues for them to see their true happy healthy dad soon enough.I truly feel for you Mrs. Doors life can be so unfair to the best of people,you are one of them.😇❤️NBM
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Hello Sara,I been replying to Mrs. Dools,however please read all those words & feelings I have towards her as equal toward you.I have a funny feeling all my posts over the last 24hrs are all out of sync,as Im yet to see a couple I wrote before the last one here.Hopefully they sync with a timeline that makes sense.I'm not sure what you mean by my thread becoming legendary and then some,but I do hope it has had a positive impact on others-as it certainly has with me.Would you believe my first available appointment with my new psych isn't until Feb next year?I understand they triage their clients,so I must respect there are those out there doing it way tougher than me.Still,on the positive side gives me more time to get my body cherry ripe before then.I see my surgeon tomorrow regarding this muscle tear issue,just praying no further surgery will be required-not sure my body nor mind or spirit could handle that requirement right now.Still,being the gentlemen farmer I am,I am lucky enough to be able to at least rest,with my wife staying home & running the house until we know the verdict.By gentlemen farmer,the term could not be any closer to the truth.I have a 60SQM putting green in one of paddocks!So an Officer and a Gentlemen (farmer)really-without the Richard Geer looks sadly.I do get told I'm a dead ringer for Billy Zane all the time(whoever the hell he is-poor bugger).So golf is out for a while & my sand bunker has turned into a Tonka truck construction site!So everything is sort of put on pause,in limbo-which I don't really like.I hate having things out of my control especially when I know there is so much that needs doing!I don't do patience well as you can probably tell by now.My fault I am laid up like I am now,went too hard at recovery-despite the professional warnings from surgeon to wife.Oh well,gives me a chance to connect back with you guys for a bit.Come tomorrow after a stern talk from my surgeon I may have to be on my very best behaviour & actually do as I am told-so I might be off BB for a while on my next phase of recovery-just praying the words surgery or hip revision are not spoken during tomorrow's visit.Other than that I'm well as can be,fighting the fight which is draining.Not everything is a"Pantene"solution-I fully get Rachel Hunter's learned words of wisdom,but I did have my heart set on a speedier hip recovery and earlier psych appointment.Here's hoping at least the new meds help with my recent triggers.Hope this finds you well.❤️NB
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