Alone..Depressed..Sad..

[Ggrand]

Hi..I'm new here..just need to put my feeling down..no one to talk to makes depression and anxiety so hard...the last 4 days I have either been in bed crying or on the lounge crying..I can't seem to get out of this...I am becoming a prisioner in my own home as its getting progressively difficult to go out.. I have to go out Tuesdays so I do everthing on that day but it's like I'm holding my breathe all day until I get back to the safety of my home then I can let go and that starts the cycle again of spending the next 6 days at home either in bed or on the lounge sad and depressed...I really feel like just giving up.. My husband passed away 4 years on This coming Thursday. My children live 6 hours drive away and have small children so I don't see them that much.Bad mum and grandmum I am on there last visit i was pleased to see them but I just wanted them to go home. I feel so aweful and numb atm..

[startingnew]

Grandy Hugs and remember to take a few deep breaths xoxo

[Ggrand]

Hello Deebi, Mandy, Peppy, Starts and all...

I'm so pleased I'm home now it was a very hard and emotional day today...The nurse ended up getting a mental health worker to come see me before I left to go home....I didn't have a choice the mhn was waiting for me to come out off the X-ray room...We talked and I felt a little better to drive home...I could have stayed the night as my mhn works out of that hospital and they had my records there....I got my X-rays and I had to stay and have extra X-rays of my jaw and ear area...She showed me the films and an area where my jaw has kind of collapsed away from the joint...She said that I have had major trauma done to my jaw....My dr will call me when she has the report to see what can be done to stop the pain and possible deterioration of bones..I was given some strong pain relief..

Mandy...Thank you so very much for sitting with me this morning..

Pepper and Starts, thank you both so very much..Peppy your sitting in silence with me is so peaceful thank you.


Deebi....Thank you very much for talking with me this morning, I can never thank you enough..you helped me so much...our connection is strange yet beautiful and strong you woke up just as I needed someone...maybe you felt my hurt....Sweetheart I'm really very concerned about you, something is wrong I can feel it in your words and I know somehow I caused this 😢..Please Deebi talk to me....
Love you Deebi...🦄+👼+💜= 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩🌹


Love and hugs to everyone..


👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩🌹Grandy💜🕊.

[Guest8901]

Dear Grandy,

Thanks for the update yesterday, it was a relief to hear from you. It was a pleasure to sit with you for a while as you awaited your scan appointment. I'm so really pleased to hear the nurse organised for a MH person to speak with you after your scans. I expect they were concerned about you driving home in the state you were in at the time. Thankfully you got home safely, and this particular day is now behind you. It must have been nice arriving home to the welcomes of your little furbuddys. I know I always get a boost when Charli is so happy to see me when I get home.

The result of your xrays and scans do not sound all that great Grandy. No wonder you've been in so much pain with it over a long period of time. At least now they know what's causing the pain, and hopefully they can do something to remedy or manage it from now on. Do you have a follow up appointment with your GP? I know you normally have to book well in advance to get an appointment. Hopefully this time it will be much sooner.

Did you use the strong pain relief last night, that you were given? I note that you were up and about at around 2am, so likely most of the night. I saw your post to the "describe your depression in one word" thread, and replied to it about 15 mins after you did. So I probably just missed you. I was going to post here to check on you at the time, but thought I would leave you be and hopefully you'd eventually sleep. Did you? I didn't. 😢

Grandy I can see that you do not understand why Deebi feels that she has said something to hurt you. You posted on her thread, asking what it is that makes her think you are upset with her. Can I just point out that several days ago (Tuesday?) you were very upset, and you said QUOTE: "Even you Deebi are questioning my honesty/sanity, and that hurts unbelievably .." Have a look at the previous page for this particular post of yours. I know you apologised profusely afterwards, but Deebi obviously still feels that she has said something which caused you great distress. Hence her sadness. Sorry Deebi, I hope you dont mind me speaking on your behalf here? I'm just trying to clear up some of Grandys confusion over the matter, and I suspect you probably do not want to bring up the matter yourself. 🌹

Grandy, I saw on the news that the Central West areas of NSW are likely to get some rain today. I really hope you get some desperately needed rainfall in your area.

Much love and kind thoughts to you Grandy.

Amanda 💜

[Ggrand]

Hello Mandy..

I thought it was that...I never meant that. I was feeling so hurt with everyone, my psych, gp. God only knows how much I hate me and what a total Idiot and stupid horrible person I am...

[Guest8901]

Grandy, please go easy on yourself. We all understand how hurt and upset you were at the time. You are certainly not any of those awful and untrue things you just called yourself. Do not hate yourself, we all say things we do not truly mean during moments of great distress. For you that was the case at the time. We all know you to be one of the most honest, loving and understanding people on this earth. Please do not change. Love you.

Amanda

[demonblaster]

No problem Mandy thanks 😚

Grandy I was going to talk to you later about it cause you're already very down and didnt want to add to your pain but because you're feeling worse about yourself over it I'll talk to you.

I believe honesty is important full stop but picking times and of course how. Not talking about you (my problem).

When I first read that, my first emotion was hurt. The rest I'll say & no matter how it's said I think you're going to feel bad. I doubt you'll understand it's one of my multitude of hang ups, not your fault at all. Also I need to know if I've said the wrong thing even though it's bloody hard when intents to help not hurt. Several stuff ups which has hit my confidence in posting. No one to blame except myself. Reality

After initial hurt & that I'd hurt and slacked you off. I'd said the wrong thing AGAIN to someone and you of all people that I genuinely love and appreciate our friendship SO much. I thought furthur that I'd explained before and after why I was saying it. In rl people and I would say that and no offense taken. I see it as a possibility and didn't see any harm. Thought I was helping but apparently not.

Several thoughts. I was glad you defended yourself. The saying people let their worse out on who they're closest too. (Not always of course).You don't have anyone at home to vent out to. You're very stressed and hurting hard. You'd never mean to hurt me. I think (sorry I know that hurts but dunno, trust issues I spoke about & other reasons) you love me and I you so it didn't take me down. I know there was no malice or intent to hurt

Going to sleep Grandy I'm so down but nowhere near the Blacks, this is normal for how tired I am. No difference with/out meds. (Truth).
Tell you later what is hurting and if ok can I do it here plz. Bloody hard saying it anywhere AGAIN I feel weak and completely pathetic. (Honestly don't see others that way in same situation).

You are NOT a horrible person or stupid idiot, love you because of the total opposite. You're one of the kindest most understanding best friends I've ever had 😢 Honestly I was ok with it in a few seconds but wanted to say my bit too ☺🤗 Thanks btw when you say talk to me I know you're ok to hear it and helps me open more. Wish you could see what I/we do in you. Seriously you'll have to do better than that to shoo me 😉 God don't shoo me though, that I couldn't handle well. Ms pathetic signing out. Bbl 💜💗

[Ggrand]

Hello Deebi..

I feel I am..

Honestly your post was good, nothing at all wrong with it. You did explain before and after before you said...I have no excuse except that I am stupid and dumb for not waiting...Tony wk told me once to wait...I done the same to Tony wk twice not reading right, not understanding, then answering before waiting...he told me to wait and rethink about...Truely deep down into the pit of my soul and my heart I'm hurting because I'm so really sorry..I can't stand hurting people omg especially you.. emotional hurting is the worse kind of hurt anyone can ever do to another person....It was me I should not have answered when I was so down, I have never been this down before..it's like I'm in a dark, deep, scary crevice in the middle of the isolated very cold and lonely South Pole....

Your special..I never had someone that I look forward to hearing from daily, (the more the better). Sadness hits me when I don't hear from you...Truth..I sat up last night checking here every half hour for a post from you....Not possessive Deebi...just so very frightened that you would never talk to me again...Now see how pathetic I am....I kept talking to you then deleting every half hour or so...Reasons..(later).

Deebi.....Please let me know what's hurting you..and yes you can do it here...

Deebi..I have a lot of love to give especially to you because of who you are...Deebi it's a deep love......Others here I love and care about as well...But with you Deebi it's different... 🙇‍♀️ Grandy...

xx

[demonblaster]

Grandy truth it's ok. About 4 secs hurt then logic stepped in (above) and I'm ok. If I could apply that to every single bloody hurt I wouldn't be the pathetic mess I am today. A lifetime without a damn shield. That's with beautiful parents that stood by me regardless of the rot I put them through.

Grandy I nearly did another post before about what's pulling me down, should have then

I think but not sure if it was independent bundles thread or a similar name we talked& ,supported him ages back not sure if I said I could relate but could big time & you said you could too, They've long gone is why I'm hazy on name but I remember. talking with them about same stuff that is one of my bigger problems too

Anyway the vaults closed again unfortunately and tbh its something that I really need to deal with cause it can put untold pressure on some people.You're right what you said. I'm not about hurting people, and my darling love use to say same. Would it end others to be the bloody same pfttt. Tony he's right & that should apply to every one, as if some people would care. I'll try to take heed too from that. Controlling impulse is a harder one to master

Grandy I of all people know how hard it is to do even when we know it'll help but you said to me once to trust you and I do But we still hurt hard don't we. Good people hurt too but not intentionally so that's the difference we need to realise but still 😢

Honestly you are far from stupid and dumb. I see high intelligence in you but you've been given reason so often to believe beasties barbs.

Grandy I'm just going to endure the pain to get better, shame mostly I'm such a damned slow learner. What I'm meaning is although it's an option and how but I'm not planning to act on it so as long as that mindset stays I'll get through and do everytime. Is this making any sense. In time thoughts won't be there but as long as there's no action intent I'll survive. God I wish I could articulate and quicker.

Thank you for letting me rattle on in your thread. God I hardly even mentioned you and truly I'm so sorry (and you know how much I love you and care so much and seeing you're so deeply down. I'll be back to talk more with you Grandy darling) shaking head. 🤗😚💜

[demonblaster]

Dear Grandy it's taking ages to post but I wanted to come in and comfort you for a while before you come to mine. Oh I set up fur buddies little cubby house in your room although they'll jump in with you maybe they'll pop in there too

You poor darling feeling so low. Hun do you feel the helplines could be an idea, and are you safe? Would you tell me if you're having thoughts. Please do Grandy you are SO important not just to me or your army here but other people I've heard you supporting too would have to feel same. You are beyond what you think, so so worthy.

Wondering if being off the meds is making you worse. Concerns me that you're worse than ever cause you go to terrible places as it is. Awful you being in so much pain dear Grandy. Hun you've still got strength to pull up, please look at positives, anything that's given you pleasure like 🦋 🌞 🌈🎄 🍫🐕🐶🍷🎁✨ 💑 (Betty), your 💑 here, 🤗 🤝(your forum family) 💜🐍 great times with Pam and hubby (hope that doesn't sadden you) Vanilla candle scent, Lavender, peppercorns 😅..🎲..where on earth did that come from 😁, not really but sorry 😂 🤸‍♀️🤹‍♀️🎉

Just trying to give you some distraction Grandy believe me my hearts with you, hate seeing you struggle so much.

Might be easier for you to reply this way, when you're how you are what can I do to ease it for you.

1. Just 👂🏻 only
2. Try & offer helps
3. Chat about nothing
4. Joke 😄
5. Remind you of our good times 💜
6. Hug a lot and 🤝
7. Come in daily (will anyway will try harder in deeps like you do
8. Remind you how loved you are
9. Cook, lets settle grettle on housework 😉 dishes ok but.. Cuppas

I really want to help you through these times. Most of these I do but if there's preferences let me know. Anything just say and if I can for sure.

My arms are around you with love and care Grandy, you're safe and very cared about. Now pop into your nice warm jammies and dressing gown, slippers with your broach, beanie fur buddies and we'll take the quick way to mine 🛴. Woe..here already.

Btw your poem is very good 👍

Much love Grandy. Hun every second is our past and our future. Our destiny for peace is within us. We WILL learn to tame beasty 🤝

💜💑🌹

[Ggrand]

Deebi. Thank you so very much... I so much need some distraction tonight, and you just gave it to me...

I have a storm here and I really remembering bad things about storms..my hubby knowing how frightened I am of storms used to sometimes lock me outside in it..at the beach he used to go into the water and take me with him and hold me there until the storm passed..,he got angry sometimes with me and sometimes he would laugh at me.....

Deebi Love you very much...I really needed someone tonight again...and you posted when I need to hear from you.... I want to read your caring post again Deebi...is it okay if I reply later today?..

Deebi, you should be asleep, you need a lot more to get better, please honey try to sleep now...?.💜🌹🤗..

Storms moving away I think..I'm sorry I'm such a scaredy baby at times...I wish I was more like you, beautiful friend...

Love and big hugs Deebi.....👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩🌹Grandy 🦄🕊👼..