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Alone..Depressed..Sad..
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Hello everyone……🤗
I left home Wednesday at 10am and arrived at my eldest son’s at around 4ish….lots of hello hugs and kisses, lots of talking and a good sleep..now it’s a new day….2 new days now😁..
Im currently sitting outside alone…my sons at work, so is 2 of my older grandchildren, dil went to the shop for half an hour over 2 hours ago, the younger grandchildren are on their laptops and game consoles….I feel alone right now and somewhat abandoned….am I being selfish for wanting my grandchildren’s time instead of their games and computers?…I suppose technology has taken away our children’s outside playtime…it’s really sad…
Sitting out back is nice though, they have a horse a couple of dogs and heaps of birds in a couple of averies…I think I’ve talked to the birds and dogs today more then my family…Help yourself when your hungry mum….I cannot go into their fridge or cupboards to get some food…it doesn’t feel right..it’s not me….I’m so much hoping that Saturday will be a better day when my son doesnt have to go to work and we can all spend the day together…it was nice when everyone came home from work, we had a great time, my son being silly wearing a hat with long hair attached to it, then my dil, second eldest grandson and dil all put one one…We all giggled so much, I took a couple of photos for memory….looking forward to the weekend when everyone’s home….
I’m Im here until Sunday afternoon, then I’ll go to my youngest sons place….
The lady who was so rude and disrespectful towards me..I’ve been since told on Monday , my friend rang me and told me she has just opened up a second hand clothing bric brac just around the corner from Vinnies and knowing I do discount a lot for those less fortunate then others was angry towards me because I couldn’t this time….she wants to profit herself from a shop that is supposed to be a charity shop to help the needy…not her…
Hugs everyone,🤗🤗🤗🤗..
Grandy..
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Dear Grandy and other lovelies here 😊
I deeply appreciate many things about you bbff including no pressure for replies as they respectfully do here and know you genuinely don't seem to mind if I'm often later than sooner depending on headspace mostly but I really don't like not being here for you within a reasonable amount of time. Apologies Grandy love. You know you're always in my thoughts. Truth
Darlin it's been a long constant haul for you lately. Surely it's your turn which lets hope this trip overall does some soul healing being with loved ones. I doubt you have a selfish bone in you but even if you did feel you're being that way it'd be ok because you'd be looking after yourself. Sad you feeling lonely when families working or doing other things. I guess it'd be easier when they're home from work.
I wondered hun if with the kids you could suggest some outside time but tricky yes cause technology can have strong holds.
So nice they have a horse and birdies out back. That was lovely hearing about the crazy antics going on too. Some nice memories there huns.
What a piece of work that cow is! Such a roar deal going off at you like that. Her short memory of all the good & kindness you showed her.
Trouble is when people carry on like that they turn it into other peoples problems. Now that's selfish ugh. I'm also very sorry you copped that and how it would be affecting you poor love.
Can't say I blame you givng your notice hun they really don't seem by the sounds including making it easier for youse with the heavy bags to give a toss & really it's just words saying "don't take it personally" ...where's the handbook saying how not to, if there's no support or compassion attached. Wonder how they'd like it.
You're doing so well in regards to our beautiful Ebony huns. She'll never leave your heart. Love stays but it's still so hard. Pawsy I'm glad that you're sounding as though you too are coming through the other side. Heartfelt hugs to you both
Hope the cars behaving. Although it's great to have and you need it there they sure do cost a buck. Good it didn't pack a sad mid trip would've been a disaster. Maybe the universe looked after you hence a big ouch for the purse though
Poor Betty yes that would be a worry. Lets hope the skin grafts help her poor thing.
Okay my darl sending deep love straight into your Golden heart sweety girl. Enjoy your time huns 🤗 tc
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Hi everyone and welcome home Grandy,
I hope your stay with your children and grandchildren was enjoyable. I suppose just seeing them and hugging them would have been lovely.
I have quite a bit going on at the moment. Although my health issues haven’t been resolved and I’m in some pain occasionally, but I’m waiting for the hospital to call me for my follow up appointment. If the pain gets worse I will go to the GP next week.
My biggest boy is getting ready to go visit his sister in the USA. He leaves next Tuesday so I’m busy getting gifts ready for him to take with him. Hoping they fit in his luggage.
It was my son in law’s birthday, so I’m sending him a belated gift and he and my daughter have their 7th Wedding Anniversary next month, so I have a beautiful piece of Aboriginal art, named Family by artist Brooke Sutton from Queensland. Actually I have purchased several items from their website, including beautiful art which has been turned into jigsaw puzzles, which I know they will enjoy over the winter.
The gifts are made by three Sutton sisters who are all talented artists and at least I know for sure that these are authentic and made and painted by them.
I can’t believe that it has been 7 years since my daughter left. Although she came home to visit earlier in 2020, I shed a tear every time I think of them. I wished I could go but I probably wouldn’t want to come back. Suppose I have to encourage them to visit me again.
I mentioned a little while ago that I have the opportunity to move back to my old home but as it turns out, renovations are not financially viable so we have decided to knock the old house down and rebuild something newer to see us through to the end. We desperately need to downsize our home. And yes, I will be doing this with my husband. It’s not easy as he has grandiose plans and I want to downsize. I have convinced him that we need quality over quantity. We still need to consider our younger son and accommodate for him as well as plan for our old age. I can’t keep up with the cleaning requirements of our big house. So here we go again. We are meeting with a designer over the weekend. The upside is that we move back to a quieter neighbourhood.
Give me strength to see this through 🙏🏼 Fiatlux
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Hello Dear Deebi👩❤️💋👩, Fiatlux and everyone….🤗.
It was so beautiful to see my family again, the hello hugs are the best, the goodbye hugs although nice are also a little sad…my grandchildren have grown so much, time really does go very quickly…
My youngest lives in the home that a lot of my DV took place at….(we sold it to them at a reduced price 13 years ago)….so it was a bit of an emotional rollercoaster for me….as much as I enjoyed seeing everyone, I couldn’t wait to get out of that house and back home to my own safe little home…triggers from that house has been causing me to remember too much…I really wish that my sons could find the time to visit me, instead of me visiting them….The last time I visited them was, nearly 3 years ago (I think) since I raced down their to be with with my youngest son while he had surgery and recovered from his workplace accident….
Vinnie’s is no longer a part of my life, the couple of weeks I haven’t worked there seems to be doing my shoulders, hip/leg and back some good time to start healing…the pains are not as severe as when I was working…for the first time in many years I slept without waking from sciatic pain in my leg…I am semi confident that my mental health will not drop to where it was before I started working at Vinnies (s/I @ s/h)…I just need to keep both my mind and body busy…
Deebi👩❤️💋👩, When a person isn’t a constant in someone’s life, they seem to be then an outcast/outsider…this is how I felt at both my children’s houses, I still feel a lot of guilt and I know I portray that in the way I interact with my sons…that will never leave me…I wish it would but I now know it never will…They both love and respect their wives and children, I saw and heard my dil/s not afraid to speak up when they need to, when they do that, I don’t know, it triggers me into feeling embarrassed and guilty about my lack of it…I wish that didn’t happen to me but it does and I can’t do anything about that…
Fiatlux, it’s nice to hear that you and your husband are working together to ensure a nice home for your retirement/old age and future together….downsizing is a good idea, it saves time with cleaning and gives you more time for doing the things you both like to do…I hope it all works out for you, my eldest son is building (nearly completed) a large room in their back yard, set out with a bedroom, lounge room, kitchen and bathroom etc. for my eldest granddaughter to have her own space….she is so excited about moving into it in a few weeks…
I hope everyone’s day today is a good day,
My love, hugs to you all….🩷🤗.
👩❤️💋👩Grandy..
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Hi everyone,
I’ve had a very up and down week as far as my health is concerned. It’s been a roller coaster.
I went to see a my GP yesterday and he’s so amazing. He’s originally from Indonesia. He’s caring, compassionate and showed so much concern and kindness towards me. It’s been a while since I’ve had this sort of experience with a Doctor.
He immediately requested my test results from the hospital and as I was in excruciating pain, immediately sent me for, X-rays, ultrasound and blood tests. And he bulk bills every thing. He seemed genuinely concerned about my health as I haven’t had any sort of diagnosis. Anyway I go back on Monday morning for my results. In the meantime I have his number if I need to go to hospital so he can personally speak with emergency staff about my condition.
I had the most awful experience with my eldest son on Wednesday night. He dropped by to look at the luggage I have available for his trip to the USA and to my disbelief he absolutely tore me to shreds over something I sad. I wrote about it in another discussion and I don’t want to relive it but he bellowed at me so loudly all the while I was retreating from him, crying and asking him to stop.
It was clearly verbal and emotional abuse. He doesn’t like discussing things that have happened between his father and I and often cuts me off and refuses to listen. But his behaviour towards me was inexcusable and disproportionate to the comment I made, about his father wanting a new car.
The more I pleaded for him to stop, the louder he got. I was left a trembling mess. And all he could say is, “look at you, shaking and crying”. I couldn’t believe his lack of empathy for me. I asked him to leave me alone as I retreated from him but he continued coming towards me, screaming, as if he enjoyed seeing me cowering. Then he turns to me and says that I am too sensitive. I just thought for “f*** sake” why is he doing this and getting pleasure from it.
Whenever I have tried to confide in him, he says things like, well I didn’t know that, did I. You never tell me anything. But when I do try to tell him about my trauma, he shouts me down and shuts me down, like he did the other night.
I explained to my son, when my father passed away in 2011, my mother had a lot to get off her chest and I allowed her to vent. I listened to her trauma and I empathised with her and comforted her, rather than shutting her up. I knew my father was often abusive towards her and us kids as well. I told my mother that I know and I knew. I remember the violent incidents. I told her that I remembered that she had suffered through DV and I didn’t blame her for lack of grief when my father passed away.
I have told my children that since they are unable to listen to me speak my truth, that I will put it in writing for them and it will be up to them whether they want to read my life story.
When I was diagnosed with complex ptsd, I told my children but I don’t think they really listened. They often claim that I have never told them or that because I mask my mental health issues or have been on medication, I must have recovered or that the diagnosis was wrong.
I have been very good at hiding my trauma from others. What I learnt from last night, is that I will never ever tell them, my sons anything ever again.
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Dear Grandy 👩❤️💋👩 & hi lovely people and friends here 🙂
Sweet I’m so glad you’re home safe and sound and wow how good for you sleeping without sciatica pain. I’ve heard that’s really rough poor love. Also so good hearing since you’ve been off that your shoulders and body in generals feeling somewhat easier. Let’s hope the pain continues to subside. It’s so difficult to live with being in pain and affecting sleep adds to stress.
Agh yes there’d be so many harsh memories circling around hun 🤗 ah darlin that would be very difficult I imagine. Really hope you’re doing a lot better being at home with your gorjy furs, bet they were as you’d be rapt to see you again. I can just picture youse 😃
Sweety I dunno lovey, could that be beasty biting when you felt why didn’t or couldn’t you speak up to hubby. If you did in that terrible situation well you know what happened.
I see that as a completely different situation hun. I really hope you can try to see that too. You have enough to contend with without berating yourself when really you had no choice.
I won’t go on but please Grandy don’t be down on yourself over that lovey.
This is a separate conversation to above darlin.
It’s so unfair you should carry guilt when you did everything in your power to look after your beautiful family in horrific circumstances.
Do you think it could be a form of release and some clensing to write it down, wouldn’t have to be all in one go either, just when you feel too.
Maybe or not some time you might want the boys to read it.
On all accounts at work Grandy they just didn’t seem to be appreciative or give a toss did they. Pftt. You’ve been a pillar there. They’ve lost Gold. I know you have decency respect and very strong work ethics. Pretty poor aye.
Yeah I too hope with your mh very much that you can hold up darlin.
Maybe after a good body and mind rest you might be able to continue with volunteer work. You’re are you still doing welfare there?
I hope Betty’s doing ok Grandy I know you girls are great friends and look out for each other.
Grandy seriously you’re in my thoughts with so much love and appreciation for you being you and such a lovely bbff.
I worry about you darlin…pubAok YAdimh 💗🌈💭☀️🍫🫶🦋
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Hello Dear Deebi👩❤️💋👩, Fiatlux and everyone…..🤗..
The area boss of Vinnies called both myself and Betty in for a chat…she doesn’t want us to leave and have offered us a couple of different ways to work again….I have told her I’ll think about it…. I know Betty is missing working their but won’t go back unless I do….I told her that just because I left volunteering their, that she doesn’t have to, but she won’t work their without me…so again guilt raises it’s ugly thoughts….Betty has told me that she misses working their….Why won’t my dear sweet friend continue without me…..my body is slowly healing from all the heavy lifting, dragging and pulling of donations that come in…also my mh is recovering from abusive customers…..Should I go back to keep her happy? Idk what to do now….People say look after yourself, put yourself first, but how can I/we when a friends happiness is depending on a choice that I need to make in two weeks time…What’s best for me right now, isn’t the best for my friend…..
Fiatlux, I never ever talked to my children about what their father did to me, what they saw and heard was and unfortunately still is traumatic for them….The only time I do talk to them is to answer any questions they ask about why things happened at certain times, that they are confused about today…They loved and still do love their father, so I talk about their concerns with deep respect for the love they for him….I would never try to make them feel the hurt that I suffered with him….or disrespect him in front of them…..maybe it’s hard for people to understand that even though I survived terrible abuse at the hands of my husband….that I did still love him and in my own way still do…and miss him at times…maybe Fiatlux it’s best to talk to a therapist/psychologist/counsellor or your Dr. about the really hard times…..just my thoughts…
I got up, showered and got ready for my mammogram today….luckily I forgot the time and rang them to check….silly me it’s not until next Tuesday….saved myself a trip into the bigger town….
Hope everyone has a great day today…
Hugs, love and care everyone..🤗💕🦋🌈🌹..
👩❤️💋👩Grandy..
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Hi Grandy,
You are definitely right. I never spoke to my children about the abuse, but they remember things. Things that they heard, that I had forgotten. Even when I was seeing a psychologist, I didn’t tell them anything. They just wished that I was strong enough to leave.
Today I read that telling children that their abusive father loves them is extremely harmful. I don’t say things like that to my children but he was abusive towards my sons, verbally abusive mostly.
It does hurt me that the kids were subjected to this and I felt powerless to protect them. He was and still is a very controlling person. Like all narcissists, he gives love to get his own way and withdraws love if you don’t do what he wants. It’s never ending.
Anyway my son dropped by Saturday evening to collect the gifts for my daughter and he fell out this morning. I am sure he will have a great time with his sister. They were always close.
Grandy, volunteering to help those in need is great, but Vinnies really need to get others in to do the heavy lifting. Take care of yourself first and foremost.
Fiatlux 🙏🏼
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Hello Grandy, Deebi, Fiatlux and Everyone,
Grandy, I think it’s really important for you to make the best decision for you. If your physical and mental health are improving at the moment, and it really feels right for you not to go back to the shop at this point, then it’s important to follow your needs. For most of my life I would consider other people’s needs and happiness before my own. But what I’ve really had to learn is that other people’s happiness is not my responsibility. They are responsible for their emotional wellbeing and I’m responsible for mine. So I would say Betty’s happiness does not depend on your decision. It depends on her own choices and how she manages her own feelings. The two of you can stay connected as friends, do coffee catch-ups or other social activities, even if you are no longer at Vinnies. But her happiness is not your weight to carry. I know you care about her but it’s so important to care about you too. Listen in to what feels right for you, first and foremost. You may even both find a new volunteer opportunity at some point that suits you both and is much easier on your body. I hope Betty is going ok with the skin cancers.
Fiatlux, it sounds very much like speaking with someone outside of your family, such as a therapist, would be perhaps the best way to go with complex trauma struggles. I don’t know, because I’m not there and don’t know your family, but sometimes children can find their parental conflicts and issues quite distressing and perhaps it’s really triggering for your son, hence his strong reaction. It can be beneficial to work with someone outside the context. As you have a good GP, perhaps start with him and consider a referral to a psychologist.
Hugs,
ER
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Hey there dear BBFF 👩❤️💋👩 and everyone 😊
Hym that's a tricky one Grandy about Betty isn't it. Personally I think that you do have to look after yourself and if that means her not going back to work so be it. That's her choice and as hard as it is it's not something you need to carry lovey you have enough to deal with without guilt on top like that.
Mind you I love that she rang and wants you back. Told ya they lost Gold and clearly she has some sense to her. Maybe you could have longer off to think it all through and rest that poor body more. I'm glad hearing there's some recovery mentally too. Yip some people think it's quite ok to vent out their troubles on others. She sounds like a very selfish person and being such a lady like I am 😆 I'll with hold what else comes to mind.
Haha it's easy done getting dates mixed up, glad your mammograms later and that you weren't under pressure to get there on time.
Grandy the other day I had such a lovely fantasy moment I wanted to share and kept forgetting to pop it up for anyone if they'd like to join. I didn't get too far but it was so nice.
We were part way through a walk along by the water where there are lots of yachts, don't they make such a nice scene on water.
So this one because of disabilities being catered for we just literally step flat ground onto the yacht. It's a good size and very welcoming. The seats are large and so comfy. When the vessel begins moving I don't want anyone to get a fright when our seats go underwater with the yacht, that's a really relaxing cool soft dunk with water just gently moving around us and through our hair. It's like a body and head massage. Of course breathing isn't an issue in the slightest.... That's about as far as I got but loved it. IF anyone would like to add it'd be nice to hear and feel.
Ok my darling friend. Sending lots of love and remember to look after you lovely one. Your turn hun 🙂
Take care everyone 💗👀💦💫🗯🌺
