Alone..Depressed..Sad..

[Ggrand]

Hi..I'm new here..just need to put my feeling down..no one to talk to makes depression and anxiety so hard...the last 4 days I have either been in bed crying or on the lounge crying..I can't seem to get out of this...I am becoming a prisioner in my own home as its getting progressively difficult to go out.. I have to go out Tuesdays so I do everthing on that day but it's like I'm holding my breathe all day until I get back to the safety of my home then I can let go and that starts the cycle again of spending the next 6 days at home either in bed or on the lounge sad and depressed...I really feel like just giving up.. My husband passed away 4 years on This coming Thursday. My children live 6 hours drive away and have small children so I don't see them that much.Bad mum and grandmum I am on there last visit i was pleased to see them but I just wanted them to go home. I feel so aweful and numb atm..

[Ggrand]

Dearest Deebi 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩..and all...🤗..

Its hard for me to look at people when they talk to me..I have made progress though...at work when I have to refill some stock in the shops have a few times said hello to the really regular customers I’ve come to know by face...I will try your suggestions Deebi..when I’m out with Betty or WW...

Oh...I woke early and as I was feeling okay..decided to mow my lawn...My lawn mower could have been a tractor 🚜 tilling the soil..I have more dirt then grass..The dust was unreal..you should have seen me when I finished...Omg..I was covered in dust/dirt from head to toe.😂..my hair was so thick with dust it looked like I coloured it...I really could have buried some veggie seeds in it and had a mobile garden, image me walking down the street with carrots, lettuce, broccoli, tomatoes, maybe corn as well 🥕🌽🥦🍅growing out of my hair..a ready snack when I’m out.😂😂..I was debating whether to wash my hair or grow seeds in it..the shower 🚿 won..😊..

I did something today..yay me...I think by doing things in the morning...we keep beasty away....and since we have done something our motivation rises for us....Beasty only visited me a few times today..I choofed it off...felt good...power 💪to me..I started last summer to paint my sheds..i might do some more tomorrow morning...

How is everyone feeling...I hope your weekends good in every way you want it to be...

Love you dearest Deebi..👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩💜🤗🌹🦋🕊🌱..pubaok..wiwawyip...If we were..you would have giggled so much, if you saw me after mowing...awyis...lysvm..yadimh....

Sending my love with hugs 💖🤗. Through my iPad screen, into cyber space then into all your beautiful souls..

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy🌱🕊🦋..🌜🦢🤗🌛...

[demonblaster]

😂😂😂 I would have and you should have heard me 😂 just then. Classic snack on the run you're halarious.

Awesone Grandz and ya feel such an incredible sense of achievement eh. Please please look after your heart. I know the meds are helping but don't push it too hard.

In mania I don't watch near as much TV .. to biz-aaay lol

Grandz I've always admired that you're willing and do give anything a go. I say it often cause it's truth. I said from the beginning you'll get through because of that and you research and do when you can. I hope you believe me sweet you really are very brave.

Fantastic I remember recently you've started saying hello so it sounds like some more regulars. You're incredible. They I hope are responding nicely to you ...better be!

Darlin I imagine that people following you... if you weren't paranoid you probs are now 😅... I mean here on your thread you'd inspire so many people.

You continually blow me away sweetyheart. God I love you

You're locked in my 💜 soul sista 😚👼 always. Care so much about you and always you beautiful soul

Oh Destiny and Eternity sent there love to you all and said to tell you all that they're wanting a lot more cuddles from me... come on darlins..no not the other direction...hey was that a sigh I heard...

Grandz I often think about them. And gee they're cheap to look after and the vet bills very reasonable

Night night precious.

Oh thats fantastic doing something in the mornings. I hope to when I recover watch less TV or and as I do at times do art while its on but at times I just turn it off moreso in mania. I think you might be onto something there about it igniting the motivation. Even just one thing a day can get us cracking in bits. Gotta get through this wall of no motivation. We will and are. Yay us 👭..💃...that's my happy dance btw..I can you're impressed

I heard the best time to learn is first thing in the morning..we're supposedly refreshed from sleep. I can see sense in that.

Music to my ears when you say you're ok or getting stronger 🏋️‍♀️

I'll just um quickly going to show you what I've been practicing ... 🤸‍♀️...

Ok gorgeous hope you managed more sleep and your poor bods recovering. I imagine you've tried heat rub type things. Just thought have they tried or is it viable an anti inflammatory needle theres one think you can only have 3 a yr. Got a feeling we spoke on that

Our baby steps are getting bigger. That's a buzz 👢🤝👀💜👩‍❤️‍👩🌱🔥🤗

Night all 🕊

[Ggrand]

Hello Deebi👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩,..and beautiful people 🤗..

Did you say that n word n...n..needle...oh no...They would have a hard time catching me 😂..I think the high adrenaline I would get from needle anxiety..I would be in another country before they undone the packaging😁....I’m not an injection person...unless I’ve been put to sleep first..then I wouldn’t know....😁..

I constantly keep looking behind me when I’m walking..If I see anyone behind me..I will stop and move away from their path until they pass..then continue on again.. a bit pathetic. I can’t get out of my head the fear of being grabbed from behind....As I walk I keep needing to turn around and check no one is behind me...I feel vulnerable alone and walking...Shopping I am lucky I go before work...I’m normally the only one shopping at that time..then I put in the works fridge what needs to be kept cold....

If take the sleep/anxiety meds I get enough sleep..but at the wrong times...I don’t like to know I’m falling asleep...I want to fall asleep without knowing I am....the meds awaken my dreams..sometimes bad..other times good..I still sleep on the lounge mostly....when I’m headachy or feeling sick I’ll try bed..

I had big plans today to continue to paint my sheds..didn’t happen..it was way to hot to be outside surrounded by metal being hotted up with the sun....I done some kitchen cupboard cleaning instead....not much but something...

I dislike daylight saving so much...😠..Makes the days seem longer and hotter...It’s nearly 7pm..still hot and sunny...hmmm..

Im feeling better today then yesterday...I looked out my yard today and felt happy that I mowed my lawns yesterday...

I noticed that my cabbages, tomatoes, capsicums have sprouted...yippie...We are not allowed to hose them..I will water them with my watering can in the evenings..so the water doesn’t dry up as quickly ...

Love and care for you bbff..💜🤗..🌜🌱🕊🦢🚿🌹🦋)..Please you be okay...always...wiwawyip..yadimh..🦢.

Kind thoughts....Love with caring hugs everyone 💖🤗.

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy..

[demonblaster]

Love you Grandy 🙂

[Peppermintbach]

Hi gorgeous Grandy (and a wave to all),

Wow, your edible garden sounds as though it’s doing very well. Do you have any ideas for dishes with your cabbages, capsicums and tomatoes? Personally, I love red capsicum 🙂

I’m sorry to hear daylight saving has been rough on you. I understand it’s not for everyone. I admittedly belong to the other side of the camp. I love daylight saving, but I also get that it’s not for everyone...

I know you feel frightened, so I think it’s particularly brave that you still try to go out and go shopping. You feel scared but you still try to go out and run errands and go to work. I feel there’s a bravery in that, lovely one...

Warm hugs, much love and lunch on me today (my shout so you can order anything...let your wonderful imagination run wild)

Peppy xoxo

[Ggrand]

Hello Deebi 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩, Peppy 🍀and all🤗..


Thank you both for your love and care..and the others..


My veggie garden isn’t much..just some yummies I’m trying to grow in styrofoam boxes...The water out here i has too much lime in it and doesn’t really do them any good..If they grow I’ll be so happy..tomatoes seem to thrive though...

No recipes as yet..but more likely I’ll use them in salads..coleslaw etc..

Deebi.....I’m sorry it’s taken me a while to acknowledge your post..Love you back bbff..💜..

I am so sick of being frightened..I want to go out comfortably and not be on edge all the time...other people do..why can’t I?...

Im over getting up every morning..and being trapped in my thoughts..no motivation to do anything except sit outside to lay on the lounge..I try to do things but their is no pleasure in doing them..I’m forcing myself always..and stop after a few minutes...What am I here for anyway....just to sleep, sit around, lay around..eat something then again sleep....and wake to another day of the same...I’m no good to anyone, not needed by anyone...no purpose..nothing to look forward to tomorrow..and all the other tomorrows..It’s been years like this and I’m over it....It’s an existence only..not like it’s supposed to be....

What are we supposed to do with our lives?...I really have no idea..but I’m certain it’s not for waking up each day feeling to scared and vulnerable even to go for a walk around my block....or to have that feeling of being trapped each day in a house that I’m beginning to hate....Im tired of it all..

Grandy....

[Paw Prints]

Hello Grandy,
I have been reading along, just not feeling able to post as beasty was running wild here. Still really struggling, but I have been seeing my Psych & starting to have little wins…like posting here…. Yay….

As I read your post the song line ‘singing my life with his words’ started running through my head…. Why??...because lass you were writing my life with your words…..

The grass in my back yard is so high in places it is literally higher than my great dane…. I have a ride on mower… it’s not like I have to push it around……but I’m too scared to be outside…I feel like I’m being watched……even though being rural …the only ones who could see me are the odd person driving by or the neighbours cows….silly…yes…. But the fear is real to me.

I have so little motivation….I have been getting up to feed the dog & then going back to bed or onto the couch…..every little thing is a battle….even the simple everyday things like sweeping the floor… nope…to hard….what’s the point…

Why am I telling you all this… to let you know you are not the only one who feels like this….and also to share something my Psych recently said. I have spent most of my life doing things for other people, never for me. She said because of this I now need to learn to do things for me…..most importantly….. to learn it is ok to do this… that I am worth it…..that it will take time to unlearn all the past ways….. I wonder if perhaps you need to learn this too.

Grandy lass, you really do matter. You are loved here on bb & in r/l. You bring joy like your post at Deebi’s which was so beautiful & calming to read….and your honesty about your battles, helps those of us also struggling to know we are not alone in this.

Be kind to yourself
Biggest hugs

Paws

[monkey_magic]

Hi Grandy,

Not everyone has endured the life you have which is perhaps why they can go out comfortably. I'm taking a stab in the dark here but i think shame and lack of confidence can be reasons why as well. I don't know if you're feeling those but perhaps by achieving other small goals this can help?

My life can feel like an existence. The thing is we do exist though so lets make the most of existing:-)

You're life story is inspiring to me Grandy. You've gotten on with things despite the many hurdles. Perhaps now is your time to not do very much. Or if you want to do more, do more despite the lack of motivation?

Sometimes I just want to stay at home, unmotivated to go to work but I just do it.

It doesn't matter that you chill a lot of your life away but what does matter is that you're unhappy about it.

Ive personally accepted that I can't do certain things I used to and exist away. If u cant accept it can you change it?

Its really good that your letting your feelings out.

MMx

[demonblaster]

Dear beautiful bbff 👩‍❤️‍👩 Paws 🐾 Peps ☘ and everyone ☺

Ahh Grandy sweetheart I felt bad, you dear love said you really need a real hug and I didnt get back to you on that. After I posted I realised. Still getting through exhaustion.

Same as you've said to me I'll never leave you.
You need a real hug poor darlin you're really down arent you 😯 I'd so love to be the person to give you a zillion 🤗 and would have you live with me in a flash if we were allowed to be in touch rl so heres a virtual one with so much love and care eternally 👩‍❤️‍👩💜🤝🗯

Grandy you beautiful love you sound so sad.
Heartbreaking hearing you feeling so alone and desolate.
Please believe this dear dear Grandz you are needed more than you'll ever know. I need you and couldnt bear life without you. People here and your sons even if one doesnt show it who did he ask for help from. Betty the op shop past friends, friends there y/our furs all of them 🐩🐶😹😚

You're getting better at going out and most people havent had the rot of a life you've had which has caused your anxiety pain and apprehension.

Sweetyheart what can I do for you. I'll be here more often until you pick up again and know like you dont with me ever leave you.
Its 1.30 am we're going to sleepy soon so I'll be back tomoz to see how you are.

You know how much I absolutely adore and treasure our friendship honey SO sorry you're feeling so depleted do you know whats dragged you down.

Hey no matter how hard how low we get we have to remember there is better than this to be had and it's in us to achieve. Goes for us all.

United 🤝 we stride towards our common goal. Peace and happiness because we know its achievable.

Paws SO good to see you. I say this too often but its true, been thinking a LOT about you but slacko havent jumped into yours.
Poor love to. Glad you're back.

Grandy we truth everything sweety even the hard stuff
👼👩‍❤️‍👩💜🗯🐻🤗⚘👀🤝✨😊

[Peppermintbach]

Hi gorgeous Grandy (and a wave to all),

You sound so lonely and lost, lovely one. My heart feels sad for you...

Your lovely friends, Paws, MM and DB have all said it so beautifully that I have little to add. I agree with them that you matter to people both here and offline, whether it’s your dear Betty, your sons (even if sometimes the relationship can be strained) and your colleagues and customers...but DB has mentioned all of this already 🙂

I think, as DB touched on, maybe a large part of this is that you’re craving real life human contact...a hug, someone’s caring voice, someone to share tea and cake with, someone to chat with you on your verandah...things that a lot of us get to take for granted. Sadly, I know none of us here can give you that, no matter how much we love and care about you, lovely one...

For me personally, and I don’t know if you can relate, but sometimes I just need someone to be there. A physical being who can be there in person. Sometimes there’s nothing quite as healing as a genuine heart-to-heart with someone or a hug...connection is a basic human need.

As is famous knowledge, us humans are wired to connect. We need to be able to nurture/care for others as well as feel needed and supported. The extent and type of connection that each of us needs may vary (e.g. introverts v extraverts, 1-to-1 v groups, etc) but for most of us, that need is instinctive...

I suppose my long winded spiel is me wondering, could you maybe reach out to Betty (or even someone at the op shop)? I know she means the world to you as you do to her. Or give your fur babies an extra big hug today. Weighted blankets can also be comforting...

Sorry, I can’t help but feel a part of your pain is as DB astutely pointed out, its about needing real life connection...

In the mean time, know that you are loved and adored here by so many of us who are inspired and moved by your resilience. Thank you for bravely sharing your story...

The warmest of hugs and loveliest of love,

Peppy xoxo