Alone..Depressed..Sad..

[Ggrand]

Hi..I'm new here..just need to put my feeling down..no one to talk to makes depression and anxiety so hard...the last 4 days I have either been in bed crying or on the lounge crying..I can't seem to get out of this...I am becoming a prisioner in my own home as its getting progressively difficult to go out.. I have to go out Tuesdays so I do everthing on that day but it's like I'm holding my breathe all day until I get back to the safety of my home then I can let go and that starts the cycle again of spending the next 6 days at home either in bed or on the lounge sad and depressed...I really feel like just giving up.. My husband passed away 4 years on This coming Thursday. My children live 6 hours drive away and have small children so I don't see them that much.Bad mum and grandmum I am on there last visit i was pleased to see them but I just wanted them to go home. I feel so aweful and numb atm..

[demonblaster]

Hey sweets 🙂🤗

Just like you so beautifully say darling Grandy... Quietly popping in and checking on you. "whispering" You're going to get to the other side sweetheart, we're here with you every step. 😚 on forehead, haven't woken you. Just putting blanky back over you.

Sleep and rest up honey.

With much love dear friend. So sorry you're hurting 🤗 💜💑

Going back bed soon. If I don't see you before I'll check on you after bbq 🌹

[Ggrand]

Thank you all so much....

I’ll be okay Love you Beautiful people later I will talk not now can’t stop the tears memories ofpast is hauntingme so muchso much not likingme atLl..wantedto but didntdoit

[demonblaster]

Grandy darling 🤗

Thanks so much for coming in I know how hard it is to do that in really hard times like this.

That's ok lovey when you're up to it. As hard as it is and might sound like a strange thing to say I'm glad you're crying, only because the pains coming out.

You're hurting so hard. I'm with you honey at yours looking after you. Silence or talking your choice and loving hugs as long and often as you need.

Darling when we truth eachother we have to say. I have to ask this

Are you safe?

Yes/No or not sure.

SO Much love for you Grandy 🤗

💑🦄💜

[demonblaster]

Beautiful Grandy (( x ))

I've got a rough idea what might have taken you down so hard, ah darlin my heart goes out to you.

Grandy we talk at times about thoughts and believing and accepting our first ones only.
Honey this is such a tender subject I know and hope/feel knowing the beautiful person you are that you could consider this when you're up to it maybe later might be easier.

I understand in deep pain often words spoken feel exactly like that, just words.
My understanding of your life dear Grandy, you've pretty much only ever been given reason to believe you're not worthy, these people were wrong but convinced you they were right. You didn't have any reason to believe in yourself, not your fault or weakness it was theirs projecting on you.

You mentioned you "wanted to do" it "but didn't". Guilt eats at you. I assume C-PTSD is making you relive this terrible pain repeatedly.

Knowing and loving you for the I know it's hard to hear and you don't believe it but the beautiful compassionate loving good person you are that's willing to try anything which takes such courage Grandy can I gently suggest to try and look further than what these people have forced you to believe. Honey I'm not good at saying but I know you know this is coming from love and hoping it might help even in a small way.

From where I sit the strongest point that stands out is you "wanted to". If you were a bad person that you're absolutely not would you have wanted to? A bad person wouldn't care or want to.

What they've done to you from a young age has caused you not only to believe it (not your fault, theirs) but to also to be as hard on yourself as they were on you.

You have way too much love in you to be anything but pure and good Grandy. I believe from my understanding and complete trust in you that you "didn't do it" because you were brainwashed. That's not your fault Grandy. God I hope this isn't sounding harsh cause it's so not meant to come across that way. Just hoping you can think about the reasons why you didn't which I imagine amongst many other deeply painful reasons they had you terrified not to do what your instinct wanted. Again not your fault.

Grandy if I've overstepped here, Please tell me truth. I just want to see you happy and not beating yourself up.

God I love and care about you so much.
No rush to reply but PLEASE be ok and don't hurt yourself.
I'm and we're here sweetheart always.

Check on you after a sleep. Hoping you got some. (( XX ))

[Ggrand]

Deebi, I honestly don’t know how to answer your questions...

My eldest brother rang me Sunday evening, I haven’t spoken, seen or heard of him now for 45 years..He sexually assaulted me for a period of over 3 years, when I was a young teenager......he was the cause for my first attempt... he was the cause that I eloped to escape my parents and eldest brother and ended up with marrying a narcissistic hubby, ....I hung up, he msged me to say he wants to come and see me....How he got my phone number and address. I don’t know..?

[demonblaster]

(( hugs )) Ohh dear Grandy

I'd ask you how you are but it wouldn't be a good question but by all means anytime if you feel you want to say please go for it

Oh darlin of course that'd take you down hard. I'll hold from saying the things I"d like to.

Must have been a tremendous shock hearing from him at any time let alone all those yrs with such atrocious memories. So so sorry what you've been through. You're a true survivor Grandy. Good for you talking about it too, that also takes courage.

Being your brother do you feel you could let it rip with him if you decided to see him. Aggressive I know but Grandy has every right to air out her pain or in writing maybe. Although incredibly painful it could be a release you need but I'm not a professional they'd know more.

Darlin you don't have to respond at any time if you don't want to and I suggest take your time thinking if this is what you want to do.
Wonder why he wants to see you. ? guilt ... apologize though the damage is well and truly done.

Sweetheart you know you've always got here, would you be up to ringing a helpline, like the one you were saying the other days a good one, maybe they could advise you and certainly listen to get more off your chest. What ever you're comfortable with honey

Grandy it's ok if you're not ready to talk more, in bits is fine just what you can deal with.
Can I ask you what lead you to going to the hospital. I hope they cared for you well. I'm really hoping too they've organized support if you were able to tell them what was going on.

IF you decided to allow contact maybe not at your house I suggest could your MHN be with you and organize to keep an eye on you and now for that matter.
I don't know if she knows about this but I wouldn't like you to be alone without support.
She possibly could arrange some counseling?

Grandy is there anything I can do for you from here. Say the word hun and if I can you know I will.

Deep love you dear lady (( x )) Heart goes out to you lovey

[Ggrand]

Deebi no no no I don’t want to see him.

Hospital Deebi I couldn’t stop my panick attack just kept getting worse and ended up hypoventilating my arms went weird positions and locked up I had to have oxygen and sedative geez Betty was coming to see if I wanted anything in town Dr said lucky some one came she Called ambos.No I told no one. My shame my bad my secret

[demonblaster]

Ahh darling how awful for you going through that. That must have been so frightening you poor darling. Yeah thank goodness Betty was around. So pleased you had a friend on hand.

Are you ok in that area now? You probably are lovey but remember plenty of deep breathing and relax on exhale. I'm so sorry you went through that, everything else of course too honey (( hugs ))

Don't blame you one bit not wanting to see the .... shaking head.

Meant to say before if he's in touch with any one else in your family maybe he got the number from?
You can block his calls darlin if you want. If you have a smart phone it's in settings usually top R) I think not sure you do from the persons name or number in your phone.
or if a landline probably ring your provider who could no doubt sort it for you

Darling Grandy I'm with you virtually at yours and always in my thoughts.
I too wish I could do something for you.

Holding your hand sweet friend and hugs of course.

Are you eating? even if it's only little bits lovey please keep your strength up and not eating much can affect sleep too.

Strong love Grandy (( xx )) You matter so much. Please be ok Grandy.

I'll check in before bed that won't be too far off unless I wake early again I'll see if you've been in here otherwise see you in the morrow. Hope you manage some decent sleep you must be exhausted, was reading back at Starts and saw you weren't sleeping well then either.

Nigh night sweety lady give your gorgeous Ebony and Kya a lovely cuddle for me and D&E can sleep with you again tonight too. I'm within coeee distance if you need anything sweetheart.

A post landed above a bit not sure if you've seen it.

[Guest8901]

Oh dear Grandy .. what a shock to hear from your brother after so long. And thank God for your friend Betty who called the ambo's! Grandy I completely understand how upset you would have felt, and still do. I'm glad you told us about what happened, as I think its probably good for you to be able to unload just a little.

Please Grandy, yes it is your secret ... but in no way do you have any reason whatsoever to feel ashamed or that you are a bad person.

Grandy ... this is really upsetting for me and makes me angry too, when I hear you saying such things against yourself.

I'm sorry, I need to leave it there. Just remember that you are a truly good and decent person Grandy. And all the evils done to you were not your fault.

Amanda 💕 💔 🍀

[Ggrand]

Amanda I’m really sorry that I upset you and made you angry with me...