A Common Story?

[smallwolf]

I was reading a couple of the other introductions earlier and could see a lot of myself in their stories. I am the generally the one that helps everyone, the one that has all the answers, the one that puts on a brave face, when underneath it is all turning to crap.

My anxiety ... future telling, finding problems that don't exist and my mind goes over and over these again and again. I know these thoughts are irrational and emotive, and yet these thought don't leave my head. I know that I am loved by family, but I just don't feel it or don't deserve it. Yin and Yang... one part of my head thinks irrationally and the other (logical side) know that it should not be the case.

With my psychologist started a happy memories session yesterday. Going through it I ended in tears. As helpful as it was, it seemed like one of the few memories in my life that seems to get overtaken by every other problem in a sea of black and those happy memories fade away. (I work from home as a software developer and have always been logical, even if a glass half empty. There is little/no thanks in the work I do anymore.)

I am tired and despondent in feeling this way. I hope that I am not complaining too much. Just want to know that I am not alone.

[quirkywords]

Tim,

lately I have spent time thinking about how I fit into the world. Your posts have given me more to think about and that most of us have these thoughts.

quirky

[smallwolf]

Hi Quirky,

I know this is "my" story but with your thinking about how you fit into the world, what have you come up with?

The last couple of weeks have been stressful for different reasons but none that I can remember for the moment, except that once thinking I could not wait for this year to end. And a phone call I had yesterday highlighted the positive aspects of some things I had done as I don't get excited about things I have done or completed. It's funny because say if someone else has finished a unit/subject I tell them well done, but I don't think about doing it for myself. and there are plenty of opportunities (spaces) for that.

A list of issues (reminder for self)

• consider myself lesser than others
• problems are initially a mountain, yet I still push through to resolve. Would rather mountain were smaller.
• Shoulds
• Wanting to disappear sometimes
• Living in the past
• future telling myself (reading between the lines) making things seem worse than that are
• Unable to explain myself well enough -> dumb
• Feel like I do things incorrectly even when if I am told it's OK
• Guilt/Shame

I am writing this list so as a reminder for when I next see my psychologist. Things are getting better as they are not as bad or often as previously. And in writing out the list, I can some of these are related to each other like the first and last item. Or a link between mistake, dumb and disappearing. Perhaps work out a way to the break the links. I will get there - hopefully.

[smallwolf]

Sorry I have not been around lately. Been down the last few days and have a prac tomorrow. Should be back online then.

[quirkywords]

Smallwolf,

our list on the 25 jan is a good reminder of patterns we fall into.

I have defined myself because of what I do, does this make me a lesser person as I no longer have that occupation?

I am sorry you have been down.I find others expectations of me to be the hardest because others seem ok if we are ok but are uncomfortable if we are honest.

Thanks again for that list, I found it helpful.

Quirky

[Ggrand]

Hello Quirky, Tim and all..🤗..

I’m sorry Tim to hijack your post.....

Awe Quirky, sweetheart..There is no way that you no longer having your occupation makes you a lesser person...Not at all...I feel sad this has happened to anyone especially to such a beautiful person like you...You are still you, you are still the same person, that you were before this tragedy happened...Please lovely Quirky..Try hard to not to think that way, or let the loss of your occupation defy you....

I can’t imagine ever the way your feeling...I wish I can offer you more comfort, like you have for me...I want to let you know I care about you sweetheart..and am deeply sorry of your struggles....Believe in you Quirky...Be kind to you..and look after you the best you can..

Love and hugs lovely lady..💜🤗..

Grandy..

[Saree_p]

Hi Tim,
How you going today? I hope a lot better.
Saree

[smallwolf]

I am better today compared to yesterday... someone made a comment along the lines of "he can do a much better job than ..." . S wanted to speak the person who said this to me but I said not to worry at the moment. Calling it strike 1 myself. I am so used to hearing comments like this that I treated it like it was a typical thing someone would say vs bullying.

For homework I have to write about 5 qualities that are important to me, and my psychologist wants to me fill up at least an A4 sheet of paper - my problem is believing in reframed thoughts. One of the things that I was speaking about with her was that I feel like other people speak down to me like I am a child, and that I feel that I am stuck as a 12 year old. Funnily enough I am reading a book about a psychiatrist journey into depression and that age is not that uncommon. Because I am "stuck" there, I don't feel equal to others. There is a whole bunch more. I think you get the idea.

On the plus side - I just completed another module in my counselling though have to submit it and only have 2 pracs to go as well! Nearly there. And I spoke with the people there about future study options as well. And I started checking out counselling jobs in my area also.

That has been my last couple of days.

Tim

[smallwolf]

PS. In relation to the comment it was in relation to looking after the rubbish bins. Other stuff happened before this comment was made... sometimes other people don't have a filter between their brain and mouth and have an ability to make others feel so small and insignificant.

[quirkywords]

Tim,

I am going to do your homework 5 qualities that are important to me. Let me know how you found the exercise if you like.

Congratulations for nearly finishing your course.

Quirky

[smallwolf]

Two items on the list (so far) are -

• honesty/truthful
• non-judgemental

For me it is the important that I look for attributes in myself or aspire to or feel that others might not be showing to me. I selected honesty/truthful to help me believe in reframed thoughts. There are people I am around who are very judgemental which I do not like.

I think that i might have to add "accepting" to the list as well - to accept there is an alternative reframed thought that maybe truthful.

Put another way, it is important for me to find things that may enable me that I am OK and to accept the 12 year old version of me and move forward.

Tim