When is enough enough?

[Light9]

I have grown up in a household with extreme mental illnesses.  Both my older sister and mother are bi polar and sister is schizophrenic also.  I have never received the protection I needed or deserved.  My father cares for both of them and is very close with both of them, all 3 have violent and aggressive/manipulative controlling ways.  I have lived away for at least 10 years now.  The last visit home (6 months ago) I was pregnant.  I lost my child 2 weeks later after I was taken away in a mental health van (which my family called for).  They could see I was perfectly sane and had the wrong person.  My parents want to visit me suddenly this year (they have never visited me in 10 years before, I must visit them.  I have told my sister I do not want contact anymore and I really don't want to see my parents either.  I don't know what to do. I have been very suicidal and alone for many years.

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[JessF]

Hello Light9, what a really harsh history with your family.  That old saying that we choose our friends but we can't choose our family is a very true one, and I think you are well within your rights to say that you don't wish to have contact with them anymore.  Saying that you have been suicidal and alone for many years is a very sad thing to read.  I may be filling in too many gaps here, but it sounds like your devastating relationships with your family members have stripped you bare and stopped you from moving forward in life and creating new healthy relationships with other people.  Good friends can be like family, I really believe this.  You say you don't know what to do, I think in the very first instance before responding to their request it is worth thinking 'who is this really for'?  Is this really about mending a relationship with you, or more about them?  Have they ever acknowledged the hurt caused you?  If not, then you could be in for more of the same.

[Vera55]

Hello dear light9. Yes like Jess acknowledged above you certainly have difficult family dynamics. You are right. You haven't had your needs met growing up and it still sounds like your parents are struggling with their own issues. 

The thing about parents who have mental health issues is that they are unable to give you the kind of upbringing that many people take for granted. 

Love, shelter, food and emotional support is a challenge for victims of mental instability. They can't give you what they haven't got.

that said you have every right to feel angry and disappointed by your family. 

If their desire to visit you is causing you discomfort and anxiety excuse yourself from their demands. You have a right to do so. 

I think it's a big ask to expect yourself to cope with such a complex situation. Are you telling yourself that you 'should' be able to have them come and stay even though you yourself is struggling?

Please respond. It is such a difficult situation. I hate visiting my mum. But I do have a regular coffee with her and I can't stand family visits.

my sister and I live in the same town and although she is 5 minutes away we know never to visit her because she hates it. And that's ok. We meet in coffee shops.

i think being clear what works for you and telling them what you want is totally acceptable. If not it's their bad luck. Vera

[geoff]

dear Light9, I really like what Jess has to say every time she replies to any one, and is a very intelligent person.

Can I ask whether your father suffers from any mental illness as well, or has this been a learnt reaction from what your mother and sister has put him through, and by saying this I don't mean to upset you, but it can be a sensitive topic.

The question is whether you really want to see them, but after 10 years it doesn't seem to be the case, and I don't think that you really want to dragged through the gutter again.

Your family would have needed to have gone through a lot of counselling, but for some reason I don't believe that this would have happened, so if you see them nothing would have changed.

Could you talk to them on the phone just to get an idea of how they are, although at times this won't give you any indication, because they could promise the world but as soon as you see them it all changes.

You have been through so much hell growing up, and then you unfortunately lost your pregnancy, so I wonder if any of them knew about this, and if they didn't, then that's your answer.

L Geoff. x