I'm hoping someone can help me. I've always suffered from depression,
but over the past few months it has become very severe. I don't work
currently because my job was a contract position but has ended. I can't
even think about looking for a new one ...
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I'm hoping someone can help me. I've always suffered from depression,
but over the past few months it has become very severe. I don't work
currently because my job was a contract position but has ended. I can't
even think about looking for a new one yet, because I'm extremely
depressed and I am having suicidal thoughts. I know I'm experiencing a
nervous breakdown. At the moment it seems like things are going from bad
to worse. I ended a relationship about 8 months ago,but I recently
texted him to ask him to pay back some money he owes me. He really went
crazy, he was very angry and sent me abusive texts saying I wronged him
so he's not going to pay me a cent. He said he despises me and wishes I
would die. It made me very distressed.Also there's a guy I care about
who I've not met in person. We talk on the phone. He's very ill right
now, his kidneys are failing. We got back in contact recently. I've
"known" him for 11 years. So at first it was great. We were completely
at ease with each other like we used to be. We hadn't spoken before this
for about 4 years mainly because I was in a relationship. He makes me
laugh and he's always had a positive effect on me. He's encouraged me in
the past to find work and improve my life. In the past we become very
close. But as time went on it became more emotional at least for me. I
developed strong feelings for him, and I think he did for me also. He
told me a few times in the past that he loved me. And I certainly felt
the same. So when we first spoke again.he tried to "chat" me up. I
wanted to be friends again. So I resisted his advances on that call, but
I told him to call back later that night. I guess I wanted to make him
happy. And I felt that emotional connection again. But the problem was
he didn't know that I've put on a lot of weight in the past few years. I
showed him a photo in the past. He asked me to send another one of me
now. So I did. Now I think I made a big mistake. The next day he called
me and said "do you want to talk about the photo?" So he said that he'd
noticed that I've "stacked" on the weight. I said yes I do eat for
emotional reasons. He told me I should go to my doctor and do something
about it. He said he was concerned for my health. But he also said
because he is very sick, he can't take on or help other people with
their problems. He told me he wanted me to lift my game and make
progress with my issues. And he said if I haven't done that by the next
time we speak he won't speak to me again because he hasn't got time to
waste.He said he was going to hospital and would contact me once he got
home. I left him some messages, as it was ver a week before I heard from
him again. He said he didn't feel good and was going away for a few
weeks to think about his life. He asked me not to text or call him as he
won't be taking his phone and needs time alone. So now it's been over a
week since he said this. I haven't contacted him, but I miss him so
much. I can't help but think that now he knows my true weight that he's
lost interest. But I know he is very ill. So maybe he was telling the
truth and needs time alone. He did say during our last conversation that
he wasn't sure what was going to happen between us. So maybe he needs
time to think about how he feels about me. When we first spoke again
after our break, one of the first things he asked me was did I have a
boyfriend or was I married. Which I took to mean he was interested to
know. But that was before he knew about my weight. So I guess I'd like
some advice in general about my depression, I am thinking more about
suicide. I just need to numb myself and stop this pain. It's not just
because of this guy that I feel this way. But if he rejects me, it will
kill me. Because I believe we could be good together. And I want to be
there for him and give my love to him. Maybe love isn't for me. But why
has he come back in my life. And if he'd going to disappear what was the
point of that. I've loved this man for 11 years, I know that this might
seem impossible as we haven't met in person yet, but I know we had a
deep connection. We have a strong chemistry, which is more than sexual.
Even if he just wants to be friends, I could live with that. I just will
want to die even more if he doesn't want to be even friends. I might be
reading things into what he said. Maybe he really just needs time to
think. I would appreciate if anyone could offer their thoughts and
advice. I really don't see the point of living, I just can't take the
suffering anymore. I can't understand why for some people happiness
comes easy. I will be waiting for some advice. beyondblue’s
clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on
issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general
supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have
concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service
on 1300 22 4636.
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