confused and lonely

[tap78]

Hi All

Will try keep this as short as possible just felt this was a good way to vent.

I have recently separated from my wife of 10 years ( 10 year anniversary is tomorrow ) we have been together for 13 years and have 2 amazing kids 10 and 14. I know the numbers don't add up my eldest is not biologically mine however I have been her father since she was 12 months old with no contact from her real father. My wife has cheated on me in the past with what I thought was a friend of mine and at that time I chose to forgive and move on which wasn't easy but we got through it. the separation happened when I got suspicious of her friendship with another man who again was right under my nose pretending to be a friend. i didn't want to believe it could be happening again so i shrugged it off for a few days until i finally checked the phone records and noticed all the text messages up to 33 in one day as well as the odd late night phone call. when i  finally confronted her she denied everything at first until i told her what i knew then shrugged it of and said it doesn't matter because she was going to talk to me on the weekend anyway. the last year of our marriage has been hard with financial issues me working 2 jobs and her working casual as well so we didn't get as much time together as we would have liked and i had noticed her mood swings getting worse and worse with the smallest things setting her off to a point where she was in tears. I have tried to get her to talk to someone about her emotional instability as she herself has told me she thinks she is suffering from depression however she would not take that step. I have noticed the personality changes even more so now since the separation as one minute she is telling me she is sorry she has done this and hates that she has hurt me and within minutes it changes to abuse over money or the kids. I am left confused wondering what to do. I will always care for her and although i know we can never go back i still want to help her overcome her mental issues but i feel she is still manipulating me while still pursuing a relationship with the other man. I know we can never go back but just don't know how to move on.

Thanks for listening to my rant any advise or personal experiences are welcome.

[JessF]

Hello tap78, normally I try and be as sympathetic as I can when talking to people who have a husband or wife with mental health issues because I know how difficult it has been for my partners to deal with me over the years.  But from reading what you have written I honestly think that your responsibility to look after her ended with the separation.  You have your own health to think of too, and if she has another man in her life then he can look after her.  It doesn't sound like she has been very faithful to you thrioughout the relationship, and we can blame our mental health issues all we like but at the end of the day there are consequences for our actions. 

What I would be concerned about is making sure you are still able to see your children.  Not just for yourself, but I don't know whether that environment sounds like it is very stable for them particularly at an age where they are quite vulnerable coming into the teens.

[tap78]

Thanks for the insight JessF.

Yes I totally agree that it is not my responsibility any more however I am more concerned about her getting better for the kids sake. I don't want them to have the added trauma of there mother going into a deep depression on top of the separation. I do still get to see the kids although not as often as I would like but that is only to be expected with any separation I guess. unfortunately I will always be tied to my wife through the kids and i am trying hard to keep things as civil as possible at this stage. I know she loves the kids very much and would never do anything to hurt them or put them in harms way but I do worry about what will happen if she doesn't get help soon so at this point I feel I have no choice but to try and help her through it.