The Pain of still loving someone after they've gone...

[troybeez]

Hello people,

In 2010 I met the most wonderful girl you could ever meet, it literally was love at first sight, and within a very short time we were living together, we were best friends, which turned to lovers, which turned to soul mates, yet still best friends, if that makes sense.  We were happy and although she has severe mental health issues and physical health issues, it did not take anything away from the relationship, I became her carer, we were together all the time...it was like a dream come true for me after two rather toxic marriages.

Then the day came in October last year when her 14 year old son made allegations about me and DOCS / the Police got involved and overnight, almost four years of love and happiness was gone.  I had to leave with very little and have pretty much been living out of a suitcase since.  We had a little contact after this time, however that has now ceased and I've heard on the grapeview that she has moved on and has a new partner already.

This has totally destroyed me and I still to this day think about her every single day...I miss her, our coffees together, our going for drives, our medical appointments, our snuggling on the lounge watching a DVD, the smell of her hair at night time...the list goes on.  She is still the last person I think of at night and the first person I think of in the morning...

How do you ever get over that?  I realise that with the legal crap that is going on it makes it hard, but if I win, would we ever be friends again?  I get lonely at times and just sit and cry and wonder why...I used to send her an "I love you text" every morning and every night even though we lived together...and I so want to still do that, but I know I can't.

I am only 44 and feel so lost, I am scared I will be alone for the rest of my life.  I still love her so much and really want only to be with her, is it wrong to love someone who perhaps does not love you?  We never got to have closure and the relationship ended not because of anything we did, but the circumstance of others being involved...I really don't know how to deal with this all...am feeling so fragile right now.  I did try to end it all in November last year and couldn't even do that right!

Any suggestions / advice / ideas / comments??

Thanks

~troybeez~

[JessF]

Hello troybeez, I am glad that what happened last November 'didn't work'...as cheesy as it sounds, there is always hope for change and a different future when you wake up in the morning, as distant as it might seem. By attempting to take your life you are robbing yourself of that chance at this one life that we get.

there have been a couple of men in my life over the years taht I loved so much at the time that I never imagined i would get over them. Even when this happened more than once! Deep, deep love for a person is as entrenched as depression, I think.  It's impossible to get true perspective when you're right in the middle of it. This is what that old saying 'can't see the forest for the trees' was made for I think.

If I were in your situation Troy I would be looking to move on, and that's without the complication of the legal stuff. When you say you want to 'just be friends', I suspect that is your mind's little bit of trickery and a way of staying in contact in the hope that things qwill end up going back to how they were. I say this because I have deluded myself with the 'let's be friends' line when I have known all along I am wanting more.

Unless you move to the moon, it is very unlikely you will be alone for the rest of your life. I'm teasing a bit here, I suspect you mean you are scared you will be single.  This is something I used to be terrified of as well.  I think you have some big questions to ask, one of them being why am I so terrified of being on my own? Does my life only have value if I am devoting it entirely to another person?  Your role as carer in your last relationship sounds very intense and you may have lost your sense of identity along the way.

Some of these questions and thoughts may be a little confronting, so I hope they don't upset too much.

[Neil_1]

Hi Troy

Blokes point of view here – I’ve used the term “can we still be friends?”  I can’t believe that I did … although I can because when you’re that deeply in love with someone, that’s all you think about, all you focus on.  But being friends I believe in that situation will never work.  I said it because I wanted to be spending more time with her again because I was so in love with her … but she was true to her word and didn’t back down and while it hurt like hell at the time, the watch on your wrist continues to tick along and doesn’t stop or wait. 

Now you asked another question, ah yes, “Is it wrong to love someone who doesn’t love you?”  No way, it’s totally ok … as long as you realise that the latter part is the main driver here and nothing but nothing will change that.  What then happens is as you go along, hour after hour, day after day, week after week, the love you had for that person lessens.  You might think this right now, but it does.  Even to the point where you (or actually I should say me here) to the point where I ended thinking about some of the things that sometimes happened and I’d think, “oh yeah that’s right … yeah that was irritating” – and then made me feel even better.

You’re 44 … you’re just a pup … says he is 4 years older … so now it is time (well perhaps not just yet, but in time you will feel it is time) to journey yourself back to 2010 when you met this person and had the ‘love at first sight’ experience.  It will happen again … I can guarantee it.

I hope between myself and Jess we’ve written something that has resonated with you and do hope you are able to respond back again if you’re able to.

Kind regards

 Neil