falling apart

[sparkles]

Hi,

I'm new on this forum. Im 30 years old and suffer from depression, anxiety and an eating disorder. I currently work 4 days a week as an enrolled nurse and have only been in employment for the last two years due to my mental health and getting through study. I have been in a relationship now for 4 and a half years and am engaged. This has been my first serious relationship. Things are not going very well at all at the moment. My partner is under a lot of financial stress and while he has been working has not been able to obtain full time employment in the last year and abit. At the moment I pay for the bills and groceries and he pays for the mortgage. The car and house are not insured. Due to my mental health I am not able to work fulltime hours. Latly my partner and I have been arguing a lot. I feel very hurt as for some time now he has been talking down to me and calling me names and I already do not feel good about myself. I told him not to speak to me like that and he said he will try but then he does it again. Growing up his parents used to tell him he wasn't good enough and couldn't do anything and he said that made him a better person as it made him stronger. He very much believes in tough love. He dosent understand mental illness and when I am having a really bad day he will withhold any sort of affection. When I am balling my eyes out he will tell me to snap out of it or go to another room as he dosent want to hear it as he has real problems and my problems are not real. Despite all of this I love him  very much just feel very hurt and alone. When I have had bad days with my eating disorder their have been many occasions where he has sat down and talked to me for hours trying to bring me round. He is just tired and frustrated and thinks I am not trying hard enough. I know someone with a mental illness is not the easiest person to live with. I once attemptd suicide in our relationship because I was feeling overwhelmed and he said if I ever did it again it would be the end of us. He said he doesn't get paid to help me, he dosent want to be a babysitter. I don't expect him to babysit me. I am trying my best to get on with my life. On a bad day a hug and a kiss would go a long way. I don't mean to stress him out and I feel everything is my fault. Sorry for the long post, there is so much more to say but will leave it at that.

[JessF]

Hello sparkles, I know that family friends and partners can have difficulty understanding mental illness at the best of times, but it doesn't sound as if your partners behaviour towards you is helping things at all. His dismissal of your low moods as not 'real problems', and his reaction after your suicide attempt would seem to suggest that he doesn't take your depression, anxiety and eating disorder (a trifecta of very serious conditions) seriously, and perhaps even think you are seeking attention. The 'babysitter' comment must be so hurtful as well, I know its a cheesy thing to say these days, but the words spoken in the traditional marriage vows, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, they were put there for a reason; ideally a relationship is one where you mutually support each other. 

I understand that your partner is under financial stress, but it sounds like as far as that goes you are pulling your weight. you are working close to full time in a stressful, full on job. And his response to this is to lash out at you and call you names.

Sparkles I don't want to make you feel worse, but after reading what you have written, is it worth asking the question if this is the man you really want to spend the rest of your life with?

[White_Rose]

Hello Sparkles

I have been reading the various posts on this site for while before I signed up.  This is my third post. I can relate to your situation very easily as it sounds similar to mine.  However everyone's experience is different so I am not presuming to know exactly where you are.

It is heartbreaking to try and manage depression and at the same time cope with dismissal, lack of understanding and no support.  From my experience I would say it is almost impossible because one will feed on the other making you feel increasingly worse. I wonder if he is reliving and remaking his childhood through you. "If it worked for me it must work for you".  Having said that I hastily add that I am not a psychiatrist or psychologist. 

But it hasn't worked for him because he has not learned the lesson that everyone needs love and respect always, with support as an extra when required.

Sparkles, your personal difficulties are very serious as Jess has pointed out.  Do you have any professional help?  If not, would it help do you think?  It may be useful to determine how heavily your partner's behaviour is impacting on you.

I know that being lectured makes not the slightest scrap of difference to my difficulties.  If anything it makes them worse because I feel a complete waste of space.  It's also hard when your partner is having problems as well.  Perhaps one or both of you could contact BB for help.

You cannot change your partner's attitude.  You can only work on your own situation and in this case perhaps it would be useful to consider what Jess has said about considering if this is your life-long partner. Which is the lesser of the two evils? Try to manage your partner's responses to you alongside your own needs or concentrate only on your own problems?  This is where a professional counselor may be able to help you.

It's an awful choice to make, which is why you need professional help, but solving it will be better than self-harm.

Take care

[Aimee_S]

Hi Sparkles, this is the first time I have posted on this forum as well! I can relate to your situation. I am 26, but younger sister was 23 I suffer with clinical depression, but my sister suffered with an ED and Clinical Depression. I Totally understand that you are doing the best that you can, and just need some support when feeling low and struggling with your eating. My baby sister passed away dec13 due to complications of her eating disorder, but I know until the very end she was planning for her future and never planned for this to happen. I devoted my life to encouraging my sister and trying to get her believe that she was worth it and a great person.. She had so much to live for. We had just brought our first house together. If your partner is treating you this way I would advise you to have a serious think about your situation. Saying this I do know that sometimes because you love someone so much and are worried about them, being on the sidelines and watching your loved one struggling is extremely hard. I would do anything in the world to have my sister back, Please remember there is lots of support around you just have to find it. Don't give up.

[geoff]

dear Sparkles, sorry but I have to agree with all the previous comments.

Can I just empathise that it's not your fault, and you can never ever blame someone with depression to be criticised or blamed for this breakdown, and if he has no sympathy for you now and even before there is any idea of marriage then in the long run it raises doubts.

Tough love leads to major problems later on, but please post back these other situations which you have left for another post. L Geoff. x

[troybeez]

Hello sparkles

*HUGS* thank you for sharing with us, it would not have been easy I am sure.  It is hard when the person you love becomes so stressed etc. that they begin to get angry and talk down to you, it really is the last thing you need.

Finances are certainly one of the biggest issues in a relationship and can often cause more heartache than anything else.  Perhaps at some point in time if may be worth looking at couples counselling so that you can work on how to deal with issues such as finances in a relationship.

You seem to be a strong person, so try and stay strong, as hard as it might be.

I am only new to the forums too and have found peoples comments to be useful and encouraging.  Most people are here for the same reason, they struggle with mental illness in some way or another.

Look after you and I hope things improve.  Look forward to reading the other things you want to post.

~troybeez~